Put on my own mask first?

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Sick@Heart

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Put on my own mask first?
« on: December 09, 2016, 11:10:31 PM »
I read today an article about what having a mother with BPD does to children. I'm losing it.

I've never been able to make the crazy stop, not by reasoning, proposing, strategizing, pleading, not even by throwing shit like she does (one of my worst moments). I could spank her like the child she is, but that would be as traumatic for the children as when she behaves like a child herself.

I entered this relationship a codependent (my emotionally unavailable and dysregulated parents trained me well), so  to now I've exhausted myself to the point where my self-care and all other traces of self-possession are disappearing. My children can see I'm depressed (she also throws tantrums about my depression, for which I believe she knows she's responsible, and because she's pathologically incapable of taking responsibility, she acts out instead), which in turn depresses them even more than their mother does already, and that's destroying me too.

I feel I have to get out to recover myself, recover my career (which in my codependency I suppressed in order to be able to keep up with her emotional demands and manage her instability; meanwhile her professional identity remained intact and now she's providing for the family, and I'm the chauffeur/babysitter/resident therapist). I want to create a new life for all of us. But I can't bear to leave and take away the one sane person in my children's lives.

This is probably just more codependent talk, just more of me getting twisted around by the feelings of others. I'm starting to wonder whether it's now physically impossible for me to do anyone any good until I get out from under this dark cloud.

Perspective and the benefit of the experience of others here would be appreciated.

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Crayola13

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Re: Put on my own mask first?
« Reply #1 on: December 09, 2016, 11:44:34 PM »
I read today an article about what having a mother with BPD does to children. I'm losing it.

I've never been able to make the crazy stop, not by reasoning, proposing, strategizing, pleading, not even by throwing shit like she does (one of my worst moments). I could spank her like the child she is, but that would be as traumatic for the children as when she behaves like a child herself.

I entered this relationship a codependent (my emotionally unavailable and dysregulated parents trained me well), so  to now I've exhausted myself to the point where my self-care and all other traces of self-possession are disappearing. My children can see I'm depressed (she also throws tantrums about my depression, for which I believe she knows she's responsible, and because she's pathologically incapable of taking responsibility, she acts out instead), which in turn depresses them even more than their mother does already, and that's destroying me too.

I feel I have to get out to recover myself, recover my career (which in my codependency I suppressed in order to be able to keep up with her emotional demands and manage her instability; meanwhile her professional identity remained intact and now she's providing for the family, and I'm the chauffeur/babysitter/resident therapist). I want to create a new life for all of us. But I can't bear to leave and take away the one sane person in my children's lives.

This is probably just more codependent talk, just more of me getting twisted around by the feelings of others. I'm starting to wonder whether it's now physically impossible for me to do anyone any good until I get out from under this dark cloud.

Perspective and the benefit of the experience of others here would be appreciated.

Is she taking her meds and going to therapy? Maybe her meds need to be changed.

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Sick@Heart

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Re: Put on my own mask first?
« Reply #2 on: December 10, 2016, 07:35:59 AM »
Seriously? No, no meds. no therapy; she thinks I'M the problem. (I've begged her to go to counseling with me. Have told her we both need help. Always a different reason why that won't work.)

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divorcedfromnpd

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Re: Put on my own mask first?
« Reply #3 on: January 25, 2017, 11:37:08 PM »
Your post could have been my post about 3 years ago. I am now divorced from my covert NPD ex-wife and I have 50% custody of our children. I strongly agree that you need to get out to get healthy again. And being healthy again and modeling empathic parenting to my children has helped them do better.

Before you tell your spouse anything about leaving or divorcing, prepare as though a fire was about to burn down your house. Get any sentimental items out of the house and into safe storage. Set up and fund a separate checking account and credit card account. See a lawyer who knows what NPD and BPD are. Plan your exit carefully. Make sure you are not alone with her after she knows. Either have witnesses or video. Protect yourself from a false domestic violence charge.

If you leave, have a plan to fight hard for 50% or more custody of your children. In my state, there is a statute that the Judge has to follow in awarding custody. Become familiar with the laws of your state so you can get 50% custody.