Emotions

  • 3 Replies
  • 501 Views
*

Downbutnotout

  • New Member
  • *
  • 22
Emotions
« on: March 29, 2017, 05:59:36 AM »
This is more of a vent and an expression of how Iím feeling but Iíd be grateful for thoughts please.
The former marital home sale completes this Friday whereupon my ex wife gets 90% of the equity, and all of the house items.  From my 10% I pay off her loan that I knew nothing about until we separated (my salary was paying all bills and she has never disclosed what the loan was for and there are no material items to show for it).  This leaves me with very little.  Since our separation and divorce I have continued to pay 100% off the mortgage but have been renting with family.

Perhaps because this is the final stage following which there is no link (except through our children) it is why I am feeling sad.  Not sad due to regret,  I had no choice and Iíve mentioned this elsewhere on the forums, but sad due to loss of dreams and the fact that my boys will now have to move and downsize and the disruption theyíve had in their young lives.

From her share (share is not really correct as it is anything but an equal split!) of the equity my ex has sufficient funds to purchase a 3 bedroom property mortgage fee in a good part of town, however she has elected to buy a pricey 2 bedroom house in an overly priced area.  Whilst my boys get on great, having to share a room is not ideal and doesnít need to be the case. This also saddens me that they are affected in this way. My ex has chosen to only work part time.

In addition I am paying more child maintenance than I should be, but I chose to do so so that my boys are provided for.
For my part I will have a very small deposit from the sale and will need to get a huge mortgage and work until Iím 70 in order to purchase a property.
My ex fought viciously throughout the divorce, trying to prevent access to the children and  false accusations to the Police and Social workers.  She was put firmly in her place by the authorities but I still had to go to court to get overnight stays.  I feel that I have acted fairly throughout and enabled her to have a secure future in spite of how she treated me.  She on the other hand tried to destroy me financially, emotionally and reputationally and had absolutely no problem in trying to sever my links and relationship with my boys.

So my question is, despite the above and knowing that I have done all I can for my boys why do I feel sad and to a greater extent that I have failed them? 

*

kazzak

  • Host Member
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 1649
Re: Emotions
« Reply #1 on: March 29, 2017, 06:44:05 AM »
You are ending a relationship where there is an imbalance of power (aka abuse). Your kids have to live with that.

*

trb151

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 130
Re: Emotions
« Reply #2 on: April 12, 2017, 10:53:37 AM »
This is more of a vent and an expression of how Iím feeling but Iíd be grateful for thoughts please.
The former marital home sale completes this Friday whereupon my ex wife gets 90% of the equity, and all of the house items.  From my 10% I pay off her loan that I knew nothing about until we separated (my salary was paying all bills and she has never disclosed what the loan was for and there are no material items to show for it).  This leaves me with very little.  Since our separation and divorce I have continued to pay 100% off the mortgage but have been renting with family.

Perhaps because this is the final stage following which there is no link (except through our children) it is why I am feeling sad.  Not sad due to regret,  I had no choice and Iíve mentioned this elsewhere on the forums, but sad due to loss of dreams and the fact that my boys will now have to move and downsize and the disruption theyíve had in their young lives.

From her share (share is not really correct as it is anything but an equal split!) of the equity my ex has sufficient funds to purchase a 3 bedroom property mortgage fee in a good part of town, however she has elected to buy a pricey 2 bedroom house in an overly priced area.  Whilst my boys get on great, having to share a room is not ideal and doesnít need to be the case. This also saddens me that they are affected in this way. My ex has chosen to only work part time.

In addition I am paying more child maintenance than I should be, but I chose to do so so that my boys are provided for.
For my part I will have a very small deposit from the sale and will need to get a huge mortgage and work until Iím 70 in order to purchase a property.
My ex fought viciously throughout the divorce, trying to prevent access to the children and  false accusations to the Police and Social workers.  She was put firmly in her place by the authorities but I still had to go to court to get overnight stays.  I feel that I have acted fairly throughout and enabled her to have a secure future in spite of how she treated me.  She on the other hand tried to destroy me financially, emotionally and reputationally and had absolutely no problem in trying to sever my links and relationship with my boys.

So my question is, despite the above and knowing that I have done all I can for my boys why do I feel sad and to a greater extent that I have failed them?

My story is very similar to yours.  We wanted the best for our boys, we wanted them to have a great life, and a strong, loving, united family.  We had to make a decision, we were in a terrible place.   It was the right decision but it doesn't make it any easier.  I also paid the bills, and my ex is also getting a 6 figure check.  Thankfully I kept the house and this is their school district.  But my  exW has 50/50 time and recently informed me she's getting an apt  36 miles away in the middle of one of the biggest cities on the East Coast, so traffic makes this so much worse than the miles indicate.  She's subjecting them to an hour plus commute each way to school each way when she has them.  The apt is 600 sq feet, and the rent....its $3,700 a month.  She could have gotten a place in this town for $1,500.    :wacko:

It stings to finance the life of our abuser.  It stings that we're financing the continued abuse of our children.  Its horrible pain, no less than when we were married, just a different kind of pain.  I feel guilty that I've had to do this, and now the kids are taking pain of their own.  I feel like I'm guilty of that since she's now able to make those decisions.  My pain is just as strong as it was when married, but its a heartache for my kids, and anger towards her and the system that allows this to happen.

I think your feelings are normal, I certainly share them.  I'm sorry that you're dealing with this.

*

Crushed_Dad

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 51
Re: Emotions
« Reply #3 on: April 18, 2017, 04:34:34 AM »
This is more of a vent and an expression of how Iím feeling but Iíd be grateful for thoughts please.
The former marital home sale completes this Friday whereupon my ex wife gets 90% of the equity, and all of the house items.  From my 10% I pay off her loan that I knew nothing about until we separated (my salary was paying all bills and she has never disclosed what the loan was for and there are no material items to show for it).  This leaves me with very little.  Since our separation and divorce I have continued to pay 100% off the mortgage but have been renting with family.

Perhaps because this is the final stage following which there is no link (except through our children) it is why I am feeling sad.  Not sad due to regret,  I had no choice and Iíve mentioned this elsewhere on the forums, but sad due to loss of dreams and the fact that my boys will now have to move and downsize and the disruption theyíve had in their young lives.

From her share (share is not really correct as it is anything but an equal split!) of the equity my ex has sufficient funds to purchase a 3 bedroom property mortgage fee in a good part of town, however she has elected to buy a pricey 2 bedroom house in an overly priced area.  Whilst my boys get on great, having to share a room is not ideal and doesnít need to be the case. This also saddens me that they are affected in this way. My ex has chosen to only work part time.

In addition I am paying more child maintenance than I should be, but I chose to do so so that my boys are provided for.
For my part I will have a very small deposit from the sale and will need to get a huge mortgage and work until Iím 70 in order to purchase a property.
My ex fought viciously throughout the divorce, trying to prevent access to the children and  false accusations to the Police and Social workers.  She was put firmly in her place by the authorities but I still had to go to court to get overnight stays.  I feel that I have acted fairly throughout and enabled her to have a secure future in spite of how she treated me.  She on the other hand tried to destroy me financially, emotionally and reputationally and had absolutely no problem in trying to sever my links and relationship with my boys.

So my question is, despite the above and knowing that I have done all I can for my boys why do I feel sad and to a greater extent that I have failed them?


I'm fully expecting this to be the case when the inevitable finally happens.

I feel for you and it's all a huge injustice towards all concerned except the abuser who appears to reap rewards.