Constantly having to varify progress?

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Laura666

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Constantly having to varify progress?
« on: April 06, 2017, 11:49:10 PM »
It seems like every time my PDbf and I have a discussion and progress seems to be made, the next day he wakes up and it's as if the discussion/progress never happened. Is this typical? How do you remind them of these important details without being annoying?

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Mishy

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Re: Constantly having to varify progress?
« Reply #1 on: April 12, 2017, 03:54:49 PM »
I had to start taking notes and send an email...it's SO annoying. But otherwise - they pretend as if the issue wasn't already addressed and as if the points you made during the conversation never happened. It's infuriating, but you're not wrong. It IS as if the conversation never happened. You need to either keep a journal AND/OR take notes on an app and email them a copy. It's survival AND love...

Best,
Mishy

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FedUpWithPA

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Re: Constantly having to varify progress?
« Reply #2 on: April 15, 2017, 06:22:41 AM »
I dealt with a passive aggressive for 8 years in a long-distance relationship.  I recently broke off contact with him and am trying to hold strong and not give in and contact him again. 

That being said, I can totally relate.  We would have what I would consider a very important discussion where I would finally feel like I got some of my feelings heard and acknowledged.  Then he would proceed as if we hadn't had that discussion.  For me, I think he was showing me just how little I mattered to him in order to keep me at an emotional distance that he needed in order to survive in the relationship. 

I don't know what advice to give you, but I do know how you feel.  I would proceed as if he had heard me and changes were coming, and then I'd realize that nothing was going to change.  When I would remind him of the discussion, he would say something like, "I don't remember what happened last month" or something like that.  Made me feel like crap because he didn't think what I'd said or felt was important.  Now I think it was all purposeful.  He didn't want me to feel like I was important, so I wasn't important. 

It's hurtful to admit that, but I try to remember that it's not about me.  It's about his terrible mother who raised him in a way that made him develop these behaviors in order to survive.  Doesn't mean I'm not important just because he wants to make me feel that way.  It hurts to think someone who loves you can hate you at the same time,

I hope this helps.  I feel like when I try to give advice, all I do is end up talking about myself. 

Good luck with your relationship.  I admire you for being a loving person who wants to work on it. 

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Laura666

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Re: Constantly having to varify progress?
« Reply #3 on: April 16, 2017, 05:32:23 AM »
That is helpful. It's hard to figure that it's not you when someone you've been vulnerable for and with trivializes your emotions and needs. There's always that grain of hope that, even if you can't change them, you can change the way they feel about you. It's enervating and exhausting and, in my experience, ends in constant disappointment. Is mere acceptance of the hopelessness of the situation the only realistic way to deal with it?

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FedUpWithPA

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Re: Constantly having to varify progress?
« Reply #4 on: April 16, 2017, 06:23:23 AM »
Exactly.  It is exhausting.  When I was researching passive aggression, I read somewhere that you should think of them as "ill" because that's what they really are.  I kind of wish I'd never read that.  It made me hang on longer than I should have.  Yes, I realize he's the way he is because he had the mother he had (all the research I did really opened my eyes to that as the descriptions of the childhood causes of PA were spot on in describing his mother), but in the long run, it didn't really matter.  The hurt he caused me became too much, whether he was ill or not.  I started to view him as manipulative and mean.  It didn't really matter what caused it. 

I was in a state of constant disappointment too.  We never married, so I never had to deal with that type of separation.  I don't really have an answer to your question about acceptance of the hopelessness of your situation because every situation is different.  I do know that after trying and trying and trying to get my needs met (or even get my needs acknowledged in any way) and finding myself blocked in every attempt and pretty much blamed for having needs at all, I finally just gave up.  I accepted the fact that he's never going to change, so I broke off contact with him.  I don't know if you have that option.  I sometimes find myself wanting to contact him again, but reading this forum has really helped me not do that.

That's why I keep coming back here. 

I'm not saying that he'll never change, I guess.  I am saying that until he wants to, I've accepted that nothing is going to change.  I just don't see him ever wanting to change.  He won't even acknowledge that he has an issue to deal with.  I know he's PA (it's scary sometimes how much the research I've done nails his behavior exactly).  He has no clue.  I doubt we'll ever have a conversation where I tell him how I feel about his treatment of me and why he may treat me the way he does.  That's the only conversation I'm willing to have at this point with him, and I just don't see it happening. 

We haven't been in contact for a few weeks, and I imagine if he ever thinks about it (which I kind of doubt he does), he sees himself as the victim.  In fact, his last text to me a few weeks ago was, "I didn't do anything consciously."  I guess he's kind of right.  But until he's ready to think about what he's done to me subconsciously and try to figure out why he acts that way, nothing is going to change. 

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Shell92127

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Re: Constantly having to varify progress?
« Reply #5 on: April 20, 2017, 11:01:28 AM »
That is helpful. It's hard to figure that it's not you when someone you've been vulnerable for and with trivializes your emotions and needs. There's always that grain of hope that, even if you can't change them, you can change the way they feel about you. It's enervating and exhausting and, in my experience, ends in constant disappointment. Is mere acceptance of the hopelessness of the situation the only realistic way to deal with it?

GREAT question and one I struggled with. I would say YES acceptance is key.
The serenity prayer goes like this:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference

Each of us have these four emotional needs ( the four A's):

1.Attention

2.Acceptance

3.Affection

4.Appreciation

When my uNBPD is acting as "normal" as he can, he is very affectionate, appreciative and attentive. When he is like this,
I feel wonderful and hopeful. When he gets triggered and becomes angry and resentful, I feel so disappointed & hopeless and worthless.
The hook is he is nice a lot of the time !  :stars:

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FedUpWithPA

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Re: Constantly having to varify progress?
« Reply #6 on: April 20, 2017, 11:14:27 AM »
Shell - Thanks so much for laying out the 4 emotional needs.  Now it is even more apparent that I wasn't getting at least 2 of those met.  Most of the time 3 of them. 

It kills me to admit that, before I figured out what was going on and did a ton of research, I acted in a PA way right back to him.  I've read now that's common as people who are not PA struggle to "get through" to their partners.  I learned a lot about how to communicate what I was feeling and focus on sharing how his behavior made me FEEL, and not attacking or saying "you" did this or "you" did that.  That helped me a ton. 

However, learning how to effectively communicate with a PA person was pretty much the death knell for the relationship.  I was willing to keep working on it, but he really had trouble with the "new me," I think.  I think it made him uncomfortable that I wasn't playing the game anymore and maybe getting too close to the truth behind his behavior.  My questions and comments hit too close to home, I think. 

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Shell92127

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Re: Constantly having to varify progress?
« Reply #7 on: April 20, 2017, 07:02:07 PM »
Shell - Thanks so much for laying out the 4 emotional needs.  Now it is even more apparent that I wasn't getting at least 2 of those met.  Most of the time 3 of them. 

It kills me to admit that, before I figured out what was going on and did a ton of research, I acted in a PA way right back to him.  I've read now that's common as people who are not PA struggle to "get through" to their partners.  I learned a lot about how to communicate what I was feeling and focus on sharing how his behavior made me FEEL, and not attacking or saying "you" did this or "you" did that.  That helped me a ton. 

However, learning how to effectively communicate with a PA person was pretty much the death knell for the relationship.  I was willing to keep working on it, but he really had trouble with the "new me," I think.  I think it made him uncomfortable that I wasn't playing the game anymore and maybe getting too close to the truth behind his behavior.  My questions and comments hit too close to home, I think.

Hey FedUp - you are so welcome. Gosh I went through all that you did as well- always trying to get through to him and ending up in
circular arguments or being told what I was saying was all "BS" ! My narc and I are probably way older than you and yours. My narc even said to me that I was probably his "last chance" to have a "normal relationship". Hah !  So, for now, my narc is trying a little bit.
But I know what's coming !