Letter as if everything is normal..

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Orangeblossom77

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Letter as if everything is normal..
« on: April 10, 2017, 07:54:45 AM »
It;s been over a year now since I went NC with uPD mum. Every so often I get these letters as if everything is fine / normal. I got one today. For example it starts off about the weather and bits of news about family members etc. Todays one came with a gift and saying perhaps she would come see me in a few weeks  :aaauuugh: bit then as if it was arranged- and I will stay at X...and we could go for a meal. No asking me whether I would like to do that etc. Which worries me. I have binned it, but worried she might turn up now, and stressed. It is a long way from where she lives, hundreds of miles and might be awkward with my husband's family if she turns up unannounced.

Hoping to have moved on from this by now. So, I guess what I'm wondering is does she not get it? Should i try and write back and say, no I don;t want to see you or spell it out a bit more. Not sure. :stars:

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kazzak

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Re: Letter as if everything is normal..
« Reply #1 on: April 10, 2017, 08:25:36 AM »
I think that is a tough decision. If I have been crystal clear with the boundary beforehand then I lean towards remaining NC always when in doubt. I would restate and keep the boundary if she did show up. It'll give her a long drive to think about it more.

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daughter

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Re: Letter as if everything is normal..
« Reply #2 on: April 10, 2017, 08:30:45 AM »
Letters appear to be a hoover attempt, to solicit a response from you, via a gift which supposedly triggers an obligation to provide a thank-you.  Have any of those letters acknowledged the underlying problematic issues in your relationship?  I bet they don't.  So unless you're ready to resume relations in same dysfunctional mode that triggered your detachment, I'd suggest not responding in-kind.

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Orangeblossom77

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Re: Letter as if everything is normal..
« Reply #3 on: April 10, 2017, 11:04:09 AM »
Thanks both of you. No they don;t mention anything except chit chat and the weather etc. and stuff about her relatives etc. Maybe a kind of guilt thing. She was going on about her sister being 87 and her niece taking her shopping etc. and that en dad is a 'bit muddled up' - but then she has always gaslighted him a bit. Thanks again, think I will just leave it for now.

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illogical

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Re: Letter as if everything is normal..
« Reply #4 on: April 10, 2017, 03:25:28 PM »
I agree with daughter-- the letters appear to be a hoover attempt. 

I recall your enF came to visit you not too long ago and it turned into an "information gathering" visit where he wanted to talk about your relationship with your mother.  I'm sure he told her everything that went on, even though I recall you handled it well and he didn't get to chat about your relationship with your mother. 

Probably your mother is wanting to see if you are willing to sweep everything under the rug and start anew.  Pretend that nothing happened.  That's why she's bringing up light topics like the weather, etc., then she sneaks in the possible visit. She's testing the water, so to speak, to see if you are amenable to re-engaging.  The gift is an olive branch.  I agree that the mention of her sister's age and the fact her daughter is taking her shopping, plus mention of your enF being a bit muddled is playing the Guilt Card.  Total package = hoover.

I would ignore if you want to remain NC.   If she shows up uninvited, well, that's a problem.  But you seem to be handling your situation very well and I believe you could handle it if it happened.  You did very well with your enF's visit.  If she doesn't hear from you, it's probable she will scuttle the whole thing.  Showing up uninvited with no encouragement or response from you is very risky on her part.  If that happens, you certainly are warranted in telling her you have nothing to say to her and turning her away at the door, awkward or not.



"This time I would choose to err on the side of illogic.  I had to trust intuition, and plunge as I had never plunged before, with blind faith." 
Dean Koontz, Forever Odd

"It's so overt, it's covert."  Sherlock Holmes, from Sherlock Holmes:  A Game of Shadows

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Mary_2015

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Re: Letter as if everything is normal..
« Reply #5 on: April 17, 2017, 02:57:12 AM »
No she does not get it at all. You’re so right. This is what makes narcissists narcissists-after years of abuse or mistreatment and you telling them to leave you alone they go back to old behaviours.

That’s because in their minds it was never their fault. It was you who caused the suffering and brokenness in your relationship. Thus, they send letters or try to communicate with you maybe thinking that they forgive you for being bad.
It's all coming from them what they want what they feel they don't care if you're uncomfortable with the visit.

I wouldn’t respond if I were you. This is insidious behaviour that shows you you don't matter to them and you don't exist. I imagine you asked for NC boundary to be respected?
Well they show you now how little they care.

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Seichan

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Re: Letter as if everything is normal..
« Reply #6 on: April 17, 2017, 05:17:31 AM »
Orangeblossom77, NC means different things to different people. Some would throw uPD mum's letters away without reading them. And if she has the nerve to turn up uninvited, some would close the door in her face.

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It is a long way from where she lives, hundreds of miles and might be awkward with my husband's family if she turns up unannounced.

My narc sister once turned up unannounced where I was living, which was a long way (with good reason!) from where she and the rest of FOO were. My house mate let her in and I showed her the door. I didn't care whether she had money for somewhere to stay that night nor for getting herself home. I'd only moved away because of her and NM and I couldn't afford to give her house room.

Obviously this got me no brownie points in FOO, but as the SG I wasn't going to get them anyway. The history of me being blamed for what Nsis did was too long and much too painful for me to listen to her more than five minutes. I did that much, and it was the same old bs.

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I guess what I'm wondering is does she not get it? Should i try and write back and say, no I don;t want to see you or spell it out a bit more. Not sure. :stars:

She doesn't get it because your NC boundaries are not as strong as you might like them to be. NC isn't "I don't want any more to do with you unless you write to me occasionally or come and visit"; it's "I don't want any more to do with you no matter what."

If she does turn up, and says she told you she was coming, you could tell her you always throw her letters away unread, and then close the door in her face. That is, unless you still want her in your life?

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shutterbug1120

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Re: Letter as if everything is normal..
« Reply #7 on: April 17, 2017, 11:16:47 AM »
This type of contact is so stressful, the mention of getting together is there to make you feel anxiety and stress.  N's like to insert themselves in our lives and they find ways to do it.  I would suggest not opening the letters in the future, out of sight out of mind.

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all4peace

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Re: Letter as if everything is normal..
« Reply #8 on: April 17, 2017, 12:19:15 PM »
I don't know your back story. Were you clear about going NC when you went NC? If so, it doesn't need to be repeated. If it was a silent transition to NC, then maybe that would be different. I'm sorry you're facing it, either way.

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Kayla2017

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Re: Letter as if everything is normal..
« Reply #9 on: April 17, 2017, 01:11:48 PM »
Letters appear to be a hoover attempt, to solicit a response from you, via a gift which supposedly triggers an obligation to provide a thank-you.  Have any of those letters acknowledged the underlying problematic issues in your relationship?  I bet they don't.  So unless you're ready to resume relations in same dysfunctional mode that triggered your detachment, I'd suggest not responding in-kind.

This is my plan should this happen. I don't believe I would even read it. I have gotten emails that slipped through my filter and I deleted them immediately to protect myself.

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orb

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Re: Letter as if everything is normal..
« Reply #10 on: April 17, 2017, 07:44:02 PM »
as you are NC, then i would simply toss the letter, unopened, next time. reading it is engaging in contact.
and if she shows up....you are not obliged to even answer the door. you certainly don't have to let her in, or engage with her at all.
you have the moral and legal right to do this.

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footprint

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Re: Letter as if everything is normal..
« Reply #11 on: April 17, 2017, 11:32:17 PM »
I believe that this sort of letter/correspondence is actually a continuation of the abuse: the PD parent refuses to acknowledge that he/she has done anything wrong, refuses to validate the adult child in any way.  During all the years I was VLC (6 years) and the 2 years I was NC before stopping to read NPDM's correspondences (about 6 months ago), she not once acknowledged any underlying problem with our relationship, nor suggested that perhaps she had done something to me.  [as an aside, like many scapegoated children, I am the first to say, "did I do something wrong/hurtful?" if I feel that some time has passed and someone isn't talking to me or might be bothered by me....this is dysfunctional and I'm working on changing how much I care about other people, but I think that there is something more normal about questioning one's own actions than just completely ignoring them as PD people do. It amazes me that PD parents let years go by and act like nothing has happened when their child is NC]   

NPDM has done horrendous things.  And yet everything, all of her actions, got blanketed over with chit-chatty BS emails and letters to me (and the ones you describe, Orangeblossom77, sound very similar to the ones I'd get).  I finally realized that reading these sorts of correspondences was actually harming me.  It just furthered her denial of everything.  Her emails are now blocked and I don't read her letters when they come (nor do I send them back since that would be a form of response). 

I also realized that even reading her correspondences was making me anxious.  It has been about 6 months now since I last read something from her, and I really feel more at ease not to even look at her continued invalidation of me through her writing.

footprint

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Seichan

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Re: Letter as if everything is normal..
« Reply #12 on: April 18, 2017, 06:39:38 AM »
Great post, footprint.  :like:

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Orangeblossom77

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Re: Letter as if everything is normal..
« Reply #13 on: April 21, 2017, 07:47:01 AM »
Yes, it is anxiety-provoking isn't it. So, my en dad told me that she 'still loves me and I would still be welcome' at hers. As if, I have done something wrong and she is prepared to forgive me.   :blink:

This reminds me of being young, as a child when she wouldn't talk to me for a while and I'd spend ages trying to find out what was wrong, get my dad to ask her etc and she'd say odd and confusing things like "if you don;t know I'm not going to tell me". So maybe she thinks I'm doing something similar. Sigh. Who knows.


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Seichan

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Re: Letter as if everything is normal..
« Reply #14 on: April 21, 2017, 08:09:03 AM »
my en dad told me that she 'still loves me and I would still be welcome' at hers. As if, I have done something wrong and she is prepared to forgive me.   :blink:

Don't you just hate that? :barfy: