Consequences falling to the next generation - One mother's vent

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momnthefog

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BPD d has lost another job.  Grandchild is staying with a relative until she "figures things out." 

I'm nudging her to file for benefits, leave child where child is currently living, and get out of her "chosen" employment field (which is commission based).

Each time I try gently and BELIEVE me, I'm walking on eggshells, it's an excuse of why she's not going to get any assistance (the system is rigged), how much she misses the child (not what's in the best interest of the child), and I can make a lot of money once I build up my clientele (and in the meantime get further in debt and live in financial instability).

It's painful watching the consequences fall to the next generation.

momnthefog



"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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Latchkey

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Re: Consequences falling to the next generation - One mother's vent
« Reply #1 on: April 15, 2017, 05:24:10 PM »
I'm so sorry to hear this is going on. I don't have much to offer as it sounds like you are doing all you can. I know my friend who is in her 60's has a BPD daughter and cares for her grand daughter (7) full time. Her BPD Daughter has done many things that have endangered her grand daughter. It is probably for the best that your D is more self focused right now if your grand child is safe. When my friend's BPD daughter focuses on her daughter 7 she usually messes things up worse.

Last winter she pulled the child out of a stable home with her grandma and went to live in a shelter with her for 3 weeks and no one really understood why.  GD7 missed those weeks of school. Luckily she was only in Kindergarten at the time. She refuses to let my friend (her mother the grandmother to GD7) be the guardian-- so all school paperwork has to go through the mother who is absent most of the time. Anyway, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this and hope things settle and plateau for a while which seems the best one can hope for with these situations.

 :bighug:
« Last Edit: April 15, 2017, 05:25:49 PM by Latchkey »
Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
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There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
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When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

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momnthefog

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Re: Consequences falling to the next generation - One mother's vent
« Reply #2 on: April 16, 2017, 06:04:28 AM »
Thanks Latchkey,

It's sad watching.  I had the opportunity to visit with both daughter and grandchild for 6+ hours this weekend as I was close to the other grandparents. 

My grandchild is doing well and I'm grateful the other grandparents could step in.  I still have teens at home and travel for my job.  There's just no way I can do this at this stage in my life.

Yes, a plateau would be nice.  And as unfortunate as the job loss is....the good thing is the child is with grandparents I trust and can contact.

momnthefog

"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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Latchkey

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Re: Consequences falling to the next generation - One mother's vent
« Reply #3 on: April 16, 2017, 11:55:52 AM »
Oh, it's so much. I have another friend who is 48 and is living with her daughter 24 and grand daughter 5. Her daughter is not a PD but my friend, who is a single mom, has really struggled to keep it all together since her D  (who has an ADHD diagnosis) dropped out of college and then got pregnant a few months later. There are no other kids thankfully, but I see how exhausting this is. Her D is supposed to be moving out soon with her GD5 and the sense of relief in my friend is so huge that it made me realize just how much stress she has been under trying to manage a full time job, school, and single grand parenting.
When you mix a PD child into the grandparenting-- things get so much more complicated.
I'm glad your GD is safe and in school and doing well.
Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
-Mother Jones
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There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
-Maya Angelou
-
When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

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Adria

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Re: Consequences falling to the next generation - One mother's vent
« Reply #4 on: May 16, 2017, 03:02:28 PM »
I am so sorry Momnthefog.  It is very difficult to watch these types of things go to the next generation. I'm glad your grand daughter is safe with good grandparents that you can stay in contact with. Hopefully that will make things a little easier on you. :bighug:

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Summer Sun

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Re: Consequences falling to the next generation - One mother's vent
« Reply #5 on: June 18, 2017, 08:16:17 AM »
Momnthefog, I have a question for you as I have DD and her (possible n) spouse where I also struggle watching the impact on the GCs.

Do you supplement your daughter, help her monetarily? Is there an expectation to help?  Is there resentments and judgments if you don't help?  How do you handle this aspect of the consequences of her poor choices.

It sounds like you gently offer advice or suggestions that are turned around into excuses of why it wouldn't work?  Is she venting on you and looking for advice, or emotional support, or, expecting you to help out financially?

Summer Sun
"The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference" - Elie Wiesel

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momnthefog

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Re: Consequences falling to the next generation - One mother's vent
« Reply #6 on: June 18, 2017, 08:06:00 PM »
Summer Sun,

Do you supplement your daughter, help her monetarily? 

Not any more.  I helped in the past but it never seemed to change things.  Last year when I "loaned" her over 1K for rent, I told myself it was the last time.  She has money for a cell phone with unlimited data, cigarettes, tattoos, and dinner out whenever she seems to want to go out to dinner.  I decided that I needed to stop sacrificing when she wasn't willing to sacrifice.  (I still have teenagers at home and my funds are limited.)

Is there an expectation to help? 
From her?  I think she'd say no, but her actions don't reflect that.  If she gets money or stuff from me the relationship between us is fine.  If I tell her no then she unfriends me on social media and goes NC.

Is there resentments and judgments if you don't help? 
Yes, see above.  She has blasted me on FB on more than one occasion.

How do you handle this aspect of the consequences of her poor choices?
Deep breaths, reminding me that I am responsible for how I raised them....and that she is responsible for how she raises her daughter. 

It sounds like you gently offer advice or suggestions that are turned around into excuses of why it wouldn't work? 
ABSOLUTELY.  When she lost her job 4 months ago, I suggested that she file for unemployment and food stamps immediately.  She didnt and didn't and didn't.  She told me the grandchild was staying with the other grandparents so I suggested that she take WHATEVER jobs she could get and work her butt off.  She didn't and didn't and didn't.  It's always a long convoluted explanation of why it won't work. 

Is she venting on you and looking for advice, or emotional support, or, expecting you to help out financially?
I think she's venting most of all.  She LOVES having a dumping ground.  I don't mind a friend calling b/c they need to talk through something, brainstorm and come up with a plan.  But it's never that with her.   She rarely takes my advice.  She can't/wont/doesn't maintain a relationship with me for more than 6-9 months. 

So....I try to do things for my grandchild.  I've paid for sports, camp and other things.  I'm supposed to have her for a week this summer and I'll do more then.  She's old enough she will remember me and the things I do.  I'm at the point where I wont give daughter anything for grandchild bc I'm not sure if she will get the items.  And I do not give money to her, I send it to the organization for camp, etc.

It's frustrating.  And I pity my grandchild for having to live in such a dysfunctional home. 

Would be curious about your situation and how you handle things.

momnthefog

"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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Summer Sun

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Re: Consequences falling to the next generation - One mother's vent
« Reply #7 on: June 19, 2017, 11:43:50 AM »
Momnthefog, your response was helpful and reassuring.  our DD situation has been so complex during their 15 year marriage.  They have always struggled and have been given so much by so many people. 

We have helped our adult daughter in some ways, ie paying for travel for medical procedure for a GC, paying for a big move, extra Christmas funds after job loss etc.  Our DD and her spouse have elected to live in another country for 8 years, and then across country another 5 years until we paid to move them to the adjacent state when they decided to.  So, for us, visitation with our GC's and DD is always something we have had to pay for, or, we would not see them.  We fly or fly them.  We stay in hotels as they don't have room.  We pay for car rental, we pay for all meals out, any entertainment.  This can average between 3-5 thousand for a week visit each year.  Last year we paid for them to travel to visit in our home, 3k.  We have another D that is needing financial help now too.

So, I guess we are at the place that we just can't do it all.  We will continue to pay for visits because otherwise they wouldn't happen.  But we will not do for them what they can do for themselves.  We feel they do not learn from the consequences of their poor choices if we or others bail them.  That gives them a false sense of security.  But - their BioM does.  And because she does, I sense resentments that we don't.

We ensure our GC 's are gifted each birthday and Christmas.  I have no idea if they know we pay, or how much, to visit them each year.  There just seems to be an overall sense of entitlement, resentment and a lack of gratitude.  It is disheartening.  SIL is 42 and only works PT and DD is not working and now has health challenges as does other DD who is also now in a desperate mess she created with her choice of partner.

They don't have a problem venting.  It seems an opportunity to hint for us to help.  Never ask for advice.  Suggestions offered seem to fall on deaf ears.  We are learning to say that they are smart, capable people and we are confident they will figure out the situation. 

It is hard to watch our kids suffer and to sit back and not help, but, we are at the point where we think that helping is not helping, rather enabling them.  Hand up ok, hand out, not.  Still, I can only pray things change.  At what age though?  DD is 40, SIL 42.  Other D is 37.  DH and I had no help from either parents, EVER!  We are self made by hard work, discipline and sacrifices.  Our kids were well provided for, wanted for nothing, were well loved. 

Thanks for listening.

Summer Sun

"The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference" - Elie Wiesel

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momnthefog

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Re: Consequences falling to the next generation - One mother's vent
« Reply #8 on: June 20, 2017, 05:44:12 AM »
SS,

My d is 26.

I've learned a lot the past  few years about enabling,  codependency that have helped me with stepping back and not rushing in to help.

It seems cruel perhaps, but when we rescue too soon we rib them of a learning experience.

This is true if all children and adult children regardless of if there's a PD.  Seems that those with PD don't get the lessons and do a pretty good job at trying to make others miserable during this process.

One of my mantras is....this is her journey and she has chosen it.

Momnthefog
"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."