Is this a part of splitting?

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Orangecounty

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Is this a part of splitting?
« on: April 14, 2017, 01:06:43 PM »
Do any of your BPD parents go over the top expressive when you do something good in their mind? For example, I agreed to pick up my grandfather on the way to Easter brunch tomorrow. My mom emailed me and said what a "tremendous!!!!! help that is" and just helps her out SO much!!!"  She's always been like this and I wonder if it's a part of splitting? When I haven't done something she wants, she explodes. It was hard as a kid because I felt like her actions and her words were two different things. She would write in my birthday card just how much she "looooooooooooooved me!!!! to the moon and back, to infinity", but I didn't really feel it. The next week she would take off with her boyfriend to travel for 6 weeks and leave us behind. I always felt like maybe she was over compensating, maybe knowing deep down that she didn't always make very loving choices, or was trying to convince herself? Or maybe it's to butter me up so I'll do more things for her and take care of her needs? Maybe I'm thinking about this too much but it's something I've often thought about and if I'm being honest, when she is acting over the top, it makes me uncomfortable.

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daughterofbpd

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Re: Is this a part of splitting?
« Reply #1 on: April 14, 2017, 03:15:10 PM »
Yep, BPDm is over the top fake sweet or just the opposite. No in between.
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego”
~ Amanda Torroni

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Rock Chick

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Re: Is this a part of splitting?
« Reply #2 on: April 16, 2017, 01:08:14 PM »
Yep, BPDm is over the top fake sweet or just the opposite. No in between.

I agree although its more the fake sweet than the opposite esp with my bfs mother.  They either hate you or love you. Put you on a high pedestal or throw you to the bottom of a deep well. There is no gray area only black and white. They project gaslight split manipulate play victim and other negative things.

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all4peace

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Re: Is this a part of splitting?
« Reply #3 on: April 16, 2017, 01:21:58 PM »
uNBPDmil is either/or. Hate/love. One week she could be refusing to speak to me at my dinner table when I ask her polite questions, the next week she could be swearing she loves me and patting me on the thigh and holding my hand.

SIL (brother's wife) tells me that my uNM does this with her--overly praises behavior she would like to see again, to the point of being embarrassing. My SIL sees it as highly manipulative. I guess you have to adapt methods once everyone's adults and you can beat the bad behavior out of them anymore.  :stars:

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Dinah-sore

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Re: Is this a part of splitting?
« Reply #4 on: April 16, 2017, 03:10:07 PM »
wow..... my eyes are opening. This is why sometimes my BPDm can be so supportive and encouraging. She can be my biggest cheerleader and support. And then when she isn't happy with me, she can cast her disappointment on me so heavy it feels like I have been run over. I never knew this was part of her splitting. And part of her trying to reinforce behavior that makes her happy. I don't know if she knows it?
"I had to accept the fact that, look, this is who I am. I have to be who I am, and all of us have a right to be who we are. And whenever we submit our will, because our will is a gift, our will is given to us, whenever we submit our will to someone else's opinion a part of us dies." --Lauryn Hill

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bohemian butterfly

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Re: Is this a part of splitting?
« Reply #5 on: April 17, 2017, 09:39:51 AM »
wow..... my eyes are opening. This is why sometimes my BPDm can be so supportive and encouraging. She can be my biggest cheerleader and support. And then when she isn't happy with me, she can cast her disappointment on me so heavy it feels like I have been run over. I never knew this was part of her splitting. And part of her trying to reinforce behavior that makes her happy. I don't know if she knows it?

Yes^^^   And this is why I feel like my brain is mush at times.  Totally confusing.

My mother can "act" like a mom at times (sends cards during the holidays, buys gifts, acts like she wants to see us) but gets angry if we don't read her mind and anticipate what she wants and requires (undivided attention).  She is incapable of stepping out of herself and looking at things from another person's point of view.  She can be kind at times, but there are expectations with this kindness.  She will remember her kindness and use it against others in the future.   (Remember when I gave you money at your wedding?  I always got you what you wanted for your birthday)    It's not real kindness.  She has learned kindness with age, but it is not genuine.

Emotional abuse = the "tone, the "look," the sarcasm.

You wrote, "And part of her trying to reinforce behavior that makes her happy.  I don't know if she knows it?"   and that is an interesting question.   I think that if you view her behavior as childish, she knows it, but she doesn't know it.  Meaning, think about a kid in the grocery store.  The kid wants candy and throws a fit.  The mother (not wanting to cause a scene) buys the kid candy.  Child is appeased and he just learned something.   Grocery store + throw a fit = mother is anxious = she will buy me candy.   The child proceeds to does this again and again.  He conditioned his mother to get what he wants.   So he knows how to get what he wants, but probably doesn't get that he is being manipulative.  He is only thinking about himself and his needs, totally unaware of mother's feelings.  Doesn't have the maturity to even care about her needs because it's all about him and HIS wants AT THE TIME.  But that kid is just being a kid, testing the waters, just developing and learning and growing.  A grown person stuck in this self serving developmental stage is abusive.


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Orangecounty

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Re: Is this a part of splitting?
« Reply #6 on: April 18, 2017, 08:38:21 PM »
I think my mom doesn't even think about what she's doing, it's like she's in survival mode, wanting to be liked and loved and this is the only way she knows how to do it. Sometimes it makes me sad that she feels she needs to do this, I prefer for her to be genuine, but I don't think that's a realistic idea. I would like to think when she's being nice that it's real and maybe it is sometimes? It's just hard being idealized and then being rejected next.

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Dinah-sore

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Re: Is this a part of splitting?
« Reply #7 on: April 18, 2017, 11:23:54 PM »
I think my mom doesn't even think about what she's doing, it's like she's in survival mode, wanting to be liked and loved and this is the only way she knows how to do it. Sometimes it makes me sad that she feels she needs to do this, I prefer for her to be genuine, but I don't think that's a realistic idea. I would like to think when she's being nice that it's real and maybe it is sometimes? It's just hard being idealized and then being rejected next.

I get it, you are a passenger on her emotional roller coaster.

wow..... my eyes are opening. This is why sometimes my BPDm can be so supportive and encouraging. She can be my biggest cheerleader and support. And then when she isn't happy with me, she can cast her disappointment on me so heavy it feels like I have been run over. I never knew this was part of her splitting. And part of her trying to reinforce behavior that makes her happy. I don't know if she knows it?

Yes^^^   And this is why I feel like my brain is mush at times.  Totally confusing.

My mother can "act" like a mom at times (sends cards during the holidays, buys gifts, acts like she wants to see us) but gets angry if we don't read her mind and anticipate what she wants and requires (undivided attention).  She is incapable of stepping out of herself and looking at things from another person's point of view.  She can be kind at times, but there are expectations with this kindness.  She will remember her kindness and use it against others in the future.   (Remember when I gave you money at your wedding?  I always got you what you wanted for your birthday)    It's not real kindness.  She has learned kindness with age, but it is not genuine.

Emotional abuse = the "tone, the "look," the sarcasm.

You wrote, "And part of her trying to reinforce behavior that makes her happy.  I don't know if she knows it?"   and that is an interesting question.   I think that if you view her behavior as childish, she knows it, but she doesn't know it.  Meaning, think about a kid in the grocery store.  The kid wants candy and throws a fit.  The mother (not wanting to cause a scene) buys the kid candy.  Child is appeased and he just learned something.   Grocery store + throw a fit = mother is anxious = she will buy me candy.   The child proceeds to does this again and again.  He conditioned his mother to get what he wants.   So he knows how to get what he wants, but probably doesn't get that he is being manipulative.  He is only thinking about himself and his needs, totally unaware of mother's feelings.  Doesn't have the maturity to even care about her needs because it's all about him and HIS wants AT THE TIME.  But that kid is just being a kid, testing the waters, just developing and learning and growing.  A grown person stuck in this self serving developmental stage is abusive.



Wow. Your comparison to a kid in a candy store is perfect. Whether she is overtly aware or not, they have learned it and it works for them so they do it.
"I had to accept the fact that, look, this is who I am. I have to be who I am, and all of us have a right to be who we are. And whenever we submit our will, because our will is a gift, our will is given to us, whenever we submit our will to someone else's opinion a part of us dies." --Lauryn Hill

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bohemian butterfly

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Re: Is this a part of splitting?
« Reply #8 on: April 19, 2017, 09:54:32 AM »
I think my mom doesn't even think about what she's doing, it's like she's in survival mode, wanting to be liked and loved and this is the only way she knows how to do it. Sometimes it makes me sad that she feels she needs to do this, I prefer for her to be genuine, but I don't think that's a realistic idea. I would like to think when she's being nice that it's real and maybe it is sometimes? It's just hard being idealized and then being rejected next.

^^yes!^^  Survival mode!

And it works for her, so why change it?!   And I get what you mean when you wrote, , I would like to think that when she's being nice it's real   I think that in her mind it's real. 

I've had several of my parent's neighbors tell me that my parents are wonderful people.  I truly believe that they can be at times, but let me tell you the real story.  Those people (the neighbors that think they are so kind) mean nothing to them (really).  2 examples.

1) my parents have lived in the same neighborhood for several years now.  They recently decided to sell their house.  During Christmas (when they made their grand announcement) my parents were snickering with other family members about how they weren't even going to bother to tell the neighbors.  Never mind that these people are supposedly friends of theirs!!!   They were like, won't they be surprised and they don't need to know our business, etc (with a real nasty attitude/tone!).  My mother is FAMOUS for her grand announcements.  She gets a kick out of the secrecy (secret planning) and then BOOM!   And you are expected to be as excited as they think you should be!

2)  The neighbors that lived across the street from my parents fell on hard times, so my mother decided to buy them a turkey and make them a Thanksgiving meal (nice, right????)   Well, my mother was all excited because she said that she and my father waited all day behind the curtains to see their faces!!!!   And they proceeded to tell me that they were highly disappointed when the neighbor just took the meal inside and didn't act like they were overcome with joy.  I think that my parents sent the food anonymously, but to them it was all about the reward.  They weren't interested in really helping, they were both looking for the rush (look how WONDERFUL we are!!!)

So I guess I shared those two examples because in their minds, they are being "nice" being "real"   but not really.   My parents are nice because it makes them feel good.  They are nice because they get a reward for niceness.  If you are on the outskirts, my parents look really nice (until you get too close).