Another Sighting

  • 38 Replies
  • 1419 Views
*

midnyteblu

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 278
Re: Another Sighting
« Reply #15 on: April 18, 2017, 11:41:51 PM »
Midnite I understand. Are you in therapy? I do remember that incident with your son. You have been trough a lot and yes my self defense suggestion seems stupid now. Sorry
I do see a therapist who knows the full scope of our story and has "unofficially" brought up my ex's ill mental health, dangerous aggression and behaviors,  strong narcissistic personality. I haven't had a session in awhile, and wont be able to until I catch up on payments. When I was going steadily, it was really helpful, anchoring. I do need that right now.

I've admired you and your journey for a while now, and really appreciate whenever you have input on something I post. Your suggestion wasn't stupid, it was practical. There's so many difficult stories here, it's hard to keep track of everyone's details. It's totally fine!

*

coyote

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 3595
Re: Another Sighting
« Reply #16 on: April 19, 2017, 08:45:28 AM »
Maybe talk to your therapist, let them know what's going on, and work out a payment plan. Maybe just partial payments for now. Maybe ask about a sliding scale fee based on your income and expenses. IME a lot of therapists will try to work with you however they can.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

“The only person educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”  Carl Rogers

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

*

midnyteblu

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 278
Re: Another Sighting
« Reply #17 on: April 19, 2017, 10:02:35 AM »
Midnite,  I didn't know he was a cop.  Now, I totally get it! I used to work with them.  That takes things to another level. They are a different breed. I am so sorry for what you have been through and are dealing with. It is very painful to read your posts. Please be very careful and safe. My thoughts and prayers are with you. :hug:

Thank you -  :hug:

*

midnyteblu

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 278
Re: Another Sighting
« Reply #18 on: April 20, 2017, 05:16:20 PM »
Coyote, I'm already on a reduced fee, which has made sessions quite accessible. During the few months before I left my ex, it sends I was at my worst as far as maintaining things day to day. I kept losing things, including credit cards. I was issued more cards 4 times, never following through and reporting the changes to anyone. Totally my fault. So now I have to catch up. I hope to do so soon. I really need to get back into sessions.

I feel set back after his reappearance and the likelihood of his having someone watch me. Back to the crying everyday stage. I get that I'm a game to him, I get that he really doesn't want me, and I'm no longer trying to keep him with me and make things work, in spite of how I feel and what I wish. The cruelty and complete lack of conscience is numbing. I'll never understand it. But I've thrown in the towel, given up, which is what he urged me to do for years. This is a win for him. Maybe moving is a good way to stop all of this... Because I honestly can't handle everything that's going on with me physically/mentally/emotionally AND his coming around whenever he wants.

*

midnyteblu

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 278
Re: Another Sighting
« Reply #19 on: April 20, 2017, 05:32:31 PM »
Some things that just came to mind when he showed up the first time:
1. When he intercepted me inside of the shop, he said he'd remembered that I took my break around that time, and thought he'd swing by just to see if I might be there.

I know that I never told him what time I took breaks, for exactly that reason. I didn't want him showing up, or calling at that exact time to see what I was doing, who I was with, and how long I was going to away from my floor. I also know I never told him that I went to this shop almost everyday. But his friend who sat in the lobby for two weeks saw all of this. That person would know my patterns.

2. When he asked if we could sit and talk, he gestured to the back of the shop, then said, "Yes. I do know about the back entrance." He could've come and checked out the entrances and exits on his own without my knowledge, but he's never been in the shop with me or the building it's attached to at all. Again, the friend sitting in the lobby saw me enter and exit the shop from the back entrance for two weeks...

Whatever the case, I know it doesn't matter now. He's done playing with this mute rock, he's said, and won't bother contacting me again. He's fully occupied. That's fine. Its just the total crumbling that happens just because he felt like taking a peek at me to see what condition I was in.

Its absolutely exhausting and,frustrating and painful!

*

MaoMeow

  • New Member
  • *
  • 8
Re: Another Sighting
« Reply #20 on: April 21, 2017, 03:08:16 AM »
Hi Midnyteblu, does your ex have a formal PD diagnosis? PDs and psychopaths appear similar but are very different creatures underneath. I have been reading a blog called psychopathsandlove.com and find the author has some very insightful posts about how to survive and move on from a relationship with a psychopath which you might find helpful.

*

Liftedfog

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1691
Re: Another Sighting
« Reply #21 on: April 21, 2017, 05:45:59 AM »
Mid, I applaud you for your great instincts. I bet you had to develop them during the trauma and torture he inflected on you. He may be super cop but look how you caught him in little odd comments, ex about your break times, etc. I'd say you are pretty vigilant and sharp.  Don't underestimate your brightness.  I too was non combative during my expdh rages.  I never escalated out of sheer fear but in the end he would still blame and I say I provoked him :stars:.
I agree with your nonwanting to confront these people.  I say Ignore them and don't engage.  Concentrate on building up your support system or "buddy" system so you can not be alone where possible.  Your expdh is mentally unstable and how do you fightback a sick mind????   Just don't engage.   Hopefully you will bore him and he will move on.   He is liking the chase so just play dead like we are told to do if a wild animal was chasing and hunting us.    He doesn't like how he has lost physical control over you.   So he is trying to keep controlling your thoughts, your mind.  Have zero contact with his flying monkeys. Stay off social media for a while.   I know this contradicts the whole take your life back and don't let him dictate your actions,but we are talking about a PD sociopath.    You need to stay safe.   Hugs to you.

*

coyote

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 3595
Re: Another Sighting
« Reply #22 on: April 21, 2017, 08:23:49 AM »
Liftedfog and midnyte,
I don't think what lifted is saying contradicts, "take your life back" at all. You are making wise choices about how to deal with a crazy person. Whether you choose to engage or not, and I see non engagement as a wise choice, it is still your choice.

Midnyte you are taking your life back. If it were a win for him he would not still be stalking you. And I doubt he is done contacting you. You are working on yourself, choosing not to be with him. You will get through this. We are here for you
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

“The only person educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”  Carl Rogers

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

*

midnyteblu

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 278
Re: Another Sighting
« Reply #23 on: April 21, 2017, 04:02:43 PM »
Hi Midnyteblu, does your ex have a formal PD diagnosis? PDs and psychopaths appear similar but are very different creatures underneath. I have been reading a blog called psychopathsandlove.com and find the author has some very insightful posts about how to survive and move on from a relationship with a psychopath which you might find helpful.

Hi Mao, though my ex hasn't been diagnosed with a pd, all the counselors we've seen together have brought up uncontrollable moods, uncontrollable anger, apparent lack of empathy and medication for him. Once these things were touched on, he'd angrily dismiss them -especially the idea of medication - and it wasn't talked about anymore.

One counselor advised me privately to have an escape plan ready because of the freuqency and intensity of his rages and how out-of-control he became. This counselor said that my ex was of the type to escalate to the point of killing me. While I'm not so sure about THAT, I knew it would become severely violent if I didn't leave soon.

My private counselor has unofficially summed up that my ex has serious mental health issues, and is on the far end of the narcissistic spectrum.  And when recounting incidents with other survivors, I've heard repeatedly that he's malignant.

I've very recently started looking at psychopathy/sociopathy. Something deep down tells me he may be one or the other. It breaks my heart just typing that out. The information on the two confuses me as there seems to be a lot of overlap. But I feel that figuring out if this applies to him or not will help me better understand why things happened between us the way they did.

I'll look at the link you sent, and hopefully it'll give some clarity. Thank you!

*

midnyteblu

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 278
Re: Another Sighting
« Reply #24 on: April 23, 2017, 08:15:19 PM »
Mid, I applaud you for your great instincts. I bet you had to develop them during the trauma and torture he inflected on you. He may be super cop but look how you caught him in little odd comments, ex about your break times, etc. I'd say you are pretty vigilant and sharp.  Don't underestimate your brightness.
Lifted, thanks for your kind words. It's hard to see the positives when dealing with something so painful. I'm appreciative of you pointing these things out.

Quote
I too was non combative during my expdh rages.  I never escalated out of sheer fear but in the end he would still blame and I say I provoked him :stars:.
Though we have this shared experience, I'm sorry this happened to you. I was told the same things, along with being called argumentative, contentious, and loving to create confusion. This behavior is so confusing. I'd ask him to tell me how I was being those things. He'd tell me he wasn't going to rehash the past, he didn't want to list out all the things I'd done, or I should figure it out myself. It was frustrating and confusing.

Quote
I agree with your nonwanting to confront these people.  I say Ignore them and don't engage.  Concentrate on building up your support system or "buddy" system so you can not be alone where possible.  Your expdh is mentally unstable and how do you fightback a sick mind????   Just don't engage.   Hopefully you will bore him and he will move on.   He is liking the chase so just play dead like we are told to do if a wild animal was chasing and hunting us.  He doesn't like how he has lost physical control over you.   So he is trying to keep controlling your thoughts, your mind.  Have zero contact with his flying monkeys. Stay off social media for a while.   I know this contradicts the whole take your life back and don't let him dictate your actions,but we are talking about a PD sociopath.    You need to stay safe.   Hugs to you.
These are all good points, and I think I've started doing some of them instinctively. I'm not sure how, but I went from crying, begging, trying to convince him to work things out with me, to going completely numb and silent. I definitely don't have to play dead as it's how I truly feel at times. But you're right, playing possum will eventually do the trick.

I stopped looking at his social media years ago. He started posting our problems online, making it seem like I was doing things that he was actually guilty of. There was alot of female sympathy and negative remarks towards me, this was one of the reasons I blocked him everywhere.

My main concern is running into him around the city, and him continuing to pop up. I wouldn't mind laying low for a long while to prevent that.

He has what he wants right now. When he focuses on an object (victim), he is completely consumed with it, and he completely consumes it. If we're not their main feed, then we don't exist. He won't chase for much longer.

*

midnyteblu

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 278
Re: Another Sighting
« Reply #25 on: April 24, 2017, 03:12:20 PM »
Liftedfog and midnyte,
I don't think what lifted is saying contradicts, "take your life back" at all. You are making wise choices about how to deal with a crazy person. Whether you choose to engage or not, and I see non engagement as a wise choice, it is still your choice.

Midnyte you are taking your life back. If it were a win for him he would not still be stalking you. And I doubt he is done contacting you. You are working on yourself, choosing not to be with him. You will get through this. We are here for you

I see what Lifted means, in that when you say "I'm taking my life back!", that's usually associated with healing and getting out and travelling and being with friends and doing the things you've always wanted to do.

In this situation, taking my life back means keeping myself out of his grip, being aware of, and protecting myself from, his flying monkies. Which may mean disappearing from sight for awhile, until he loses interest. I think, Lifted and Coyote, you're both saying this...

This is a strange place for me to be in. It seems to be easy to not contact him, It's just the feelings, thoughts, and memories that are really hard. It seems odd to feel those two things at the same time. I'm still hurting ALOT, but I know this is some progress, being able to stay away this long.

I really do appreciate the support and encouragement. It's helped me pull through this. ❤

*

coyote

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 3595
Re: Another Sighting
« Reply #26 on: April 24, 2017, 03:23:56 PM »
midnyteblu,
That's exactly what we are saying, Yes you are taking your life back. We are all proud of you. We know the ambivalence, the painful mixture of feelings, that goes along with going NC with a person we really wanted to love. It is painful, it hurts. But it will also make you stronger, help you build new coping skills, and come out with a greater sense of self and self empowerment. We are all here with you in this journey.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

“The only person educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”  Carl Rogers

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

*

kazzak

  • Host Member
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 1503
Re: Another Sighting
« Reply #27 on: April 26, 2017, 11:30:04 AM »
Keep at it, midnyteblu! It truly happens one day at a time.

One counselor advised me privately to have an escape plan ready because of the freuqency and intensity of his rages and how out-of-control he became. This counselor said that my ex was of the type to escalate to the point of killing me. While I'm not so sure about THAT, I knew it would become severely violent if I didn't leave soon.

My private counselor has unofficially summed up that my ex has serious mental health issues, and is on the far end of the narcissistic spectrum.  And when recounting incidents with other survivors, I've heard repeatedly that he's malignant.

I don't know about THAT either, but have heard similar advice. The underlying theory I've heard is that if someone is willing to violate the law or a protection order, then the tops (i.e. killing) are a possibility. You don't have to worry too much about people whom follow the law and protection orders. But, when people don't - including situations like your boundaries being violated - then it's time to put up the guard and plan for the worse. It was a trainwreck and I watched it all. Scary. Really. Take it one day at a time, and press forward no matter what. One way or another, your life is really at stake. and the only way to get it back. hugs.

*

coyote

  • Global Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 3595
Re: Another Sighting
« Reply #28 on: April 26, 2017, 11:36:48 AM »
I have to agree with kazzak. You never know when someone can snap. Being prepared does not equate with being paranoid. It just makes good sense.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

“The only person educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”  Carl Rogers

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

*

midnyteblu

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 278
Re: Another Sighting
« Reply #29 on: April 28, 2017, 11:48:23 AM »
Thanks again, Kazzak and Coyote. I do feel I should take extra care to watch who's around me. I also want to train myself to walk away if I see him approaching me. I realize that I've been conditioned to submit, and stay still, whenever he approaches, wanting to talk. I can't stop him from approaching, but I can stop him from talking by turning in the other direction and leaving. I've seen that this is really hard for me to do.

I don't think he'll get to the point that the therapist was speaking of. He prizes being able to flash a badge and tote a weapon to much. There's status and prestige with that, and he uses it to the fullest. Although I have several fractures in different places, he was careful not to leave bruises. He does not want his image destroyed, and he doesn't want to lose his job.

I've seen the mutual friend twice subside my last post. After the first time, I took completely different routes and traveled at different times, every day. Then this past week, I went my usual route, and saw the friend sitting, their back to me, but directly facing the back entrance of the shop I go to every day. They usually sit tucked in a corner.

It's too much of a coincidence. This has had a really strong effect on me. I'm back to crying everyday, and have been having pretty heavy emotions. I'm working on getting back to my therapist. I know that'll help me sort through alot of this. Until then, I feel like I'm back to hanging on a thread.