Another Sighting

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MaoMeow

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Re: Another Sighting
« Reply #20 on: April 21, 2017, 03:08:16 AM »
Hi Midnyteblu, does your ex have a formal PD diagnosis? PDs and psychopaths appear similar but are very different creatures underneath. I have been reading a blog called psychopathsandlove.com and find the author has some very insightful posts about how to survive and move on from a relationship with a psychopath which you might find helpful.

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Liftedfog

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Re: Another Sighting
« Reply #21 on: April 21, 2017, 05:45:59 AM »
Mid, I applaud you for your great instincts. I bet you had to develop them during the trauma and torture he inflected on you. He may be super cop but look how you caught him in little odd comments, ex about your break times, etc. I'd say you are pretty vigilant and sharp.  Don't underestimate your brightness.  I too was non combative during my expdh rages.  I never escalated out of sheer fear but in the end he would still blame and I say I provoked him :stars:.
I agree with your nonwanting to confront these people.  I say Ignore them and don't engage.  Concentrate on building up your support system or "buddy" system so you can not be alone where possible.  Your expdh is mentally unstable and how do you fightback a sick mind????   Just don't engage.   Hopefully you will bore him and he will move on.   He is liking the chase so just play dead like we are told to do if a wild animal was chasing and hunting us.    He doesn't like how he has lost physical control over you.   So he is trying to keep controlling your thoughts, your mind.  Have zero contact with his flying monkeys. Stay off social media for a while.   I know this contradicts the whole take your life back and don't let him dictate your actions,but we are talking about a PD sociopath.    You need to stay safe.   Hugs to you.

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coyote

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Re: Another Sighting
« Reply #22 on: April 21, 2017, 08:23:49 AM »
Liftedfog and midnyte,
I don't think what lifted is saying contradicts, "take your life back" at all. You are making wise choices about how to deal with a crazy person. Whether you choose to engage or not, and I see non engagement as a wise choice, it is still your choice.

Midnyte you are taking your life back. If it were a win for him he would not still be stalking you. And I doubt he is done contacting you. You are working on yourself, choosing not to be with him. You will get through this. We are here for you
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

“The only person educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”  Carl Rogers

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

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midnyteblu

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Re: Another Sighting
« Reply #23 on: April 21, 2017, 04:02:43 PM »
Hi Midnyteblu, does your ex have a formal PD diagnosis? PDs and psychopaths appear similar but are very different creatures underneath. I have been reading a blog called psychopathsandlove.com and find the author has some very insightful posts about how to survive and move on from a relationship with a psychopath which you might find helpful.

Hi Mao, though my ex hasn't been diagnosed with a pd, all the counselors we've seen together have brought up uncontrollable moods, uncontrollable anger, apparent lack of empathy and medication for him. Once these things were touched on, he'd angrily dismiss them -especially the idea of medication - and it wasn't talked about anymore.

One counselor advised me privately to have an escape plan ready because of the freuqency and intensity of his rages and how out-of-control he became. This counselor said that my ex was of the type to escalate to the point of killing me. While I'm not so sure about THAT, I knew it would become severely violent if I didn't leave soon.

My private counselor has unofficially summed up that my ex has serious mental health issues, and is on the far end of the narcissistic spectrum.  And when recounting incidents with other survivors, I've heard repeatedly that he's malignant.

I've very recently started looking at psychopathy/sociopathy. Something deep down tells me he may be one or the other. It breaks my heart just typing that out. The information on the two confuses me as there seems to be a lot of overlap. But I feel that figuring out if this applies to him or not will help me better understand why things happened between us the way they did.

I'll look at the link you sent, and hopefully it'll give some clarity. Thank you!

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midnyteblu

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Re: Another Sighting
« Reply #24 on: April 23, 2017, 08:15:19 PM »
Mid, I applaud you for your great instincts. I bet you had to develop them during the trauma and torture he inflected on you. He may be super cop but look how you caught him in little odd comments, ex about your break times, etc. I'd say you are pretty vigilant and sharp.  Don't underestimate your brightness.
Lifted, thanks for your kind words. It's hard to see the positives when dealing with something so painful. I'm appreciative of you pointing these things out.

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I too was non combative during my expdh rages.  I never escalated out of sheer fear but in the end he would still blame and I say I provoked him :stars:.
Though we have this shared experience, I'm sorry this happened to you. I was told the same things, along with being called argumentative, contentious, and loving to create confusion. This behavior is so confusing. I'd ask him to tell me how I was being those things. He'd tell me he wasn't going to rehash the past, he didn't want to list out all the things I'd done, or I should figure it out myself. It was frustrating and confusing.

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I agree with your nonwanting to confront these people.  I say Ignore them and don't engage.  Concentrate on building up your support system or "buddy" system so you can not be alone where possible.  Your expdh is mentally unstable and how do you fightback a sick mind????   Just don't engage.   Hopefully you will bore him and he will move on.   He is liking the chase so just play dead like we are told to do if a wild animal was chasing and hunting us.  He doesn't like how he has lost physical control over you.   So he is trying to keep controlling your thoughts, your mind.  Have zero contact with his flying monkeys. Stay off social media for a while.   I know this contradicts the whole take your life back and don't let him dictate your actions,but we are talking about a PD sociopath.    You need to stay safe.   Hugs to you.
These are all good points, and I think I've started doing some of them instinctively. I'm not sure how, but I went from crying, begging, trying to convince him to work things out with me, to going completely numb and silent. I definitely don't have to play dead as it's how I truly feel at times. But you're right, playing possum will eventually do the trick.

I stopped looking at his social media years ago. He started posting our problems online, making it seem like I was doing things that he was actually guilty of. There was alot of female sympathy and negative remarks towards me, this was one of the reasons I blocked him everywhere.

My main concern is running into him around the city, and him continuing to pop up. I wouldn't mind laying low for a long while to prevent that.

He has what he wants right now. When he focuses on an object (victim), he is completely consumed with it, and he completely consumes it. If we're not their main feed, then we don't exist. He won't chase for much longer.

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midnyteblu

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Re: Another Sighting
« Reply #25 on: April 24, 2017, 03:12:20 PM »
Liftedfog and midnyte,
I don't think what lifted is saying contradicts, "take your life back" at all. You are making wise choices about how to deal with a crazy person. Whether you choose to engage or not, and I see non engagement as a wise choice, it is still your choice.

Midnyte you are taking your life back. If it were a win for him he would not still be stalking you. And I doubt he is done contacting you. You are working on yourself, choosing not to be with him. You will get through this. We are here for you

I see what Lifted means, in that when you say "I'm taking my life back!", that's usually associated with healing and getting out and travelling and being with friends and doing the things you've always wanted to do.

In this situation, taking my life back means keeping myself out of his grip, being aware of, and protecting myself from, his flying monkies. Which may mean disappearing from sight for awhile, until he loses interest. I think, Lifted and Coyote, you're both saying this...

This is a strange place for me to be in. It seems to be easy to not contact him, It's just the feelings, thoughts, and memories that are really hard. It seems odd to feel those two things at the same time. I'm still hurting ALOT, but I know this is some progress, being able to stay away this long.

I really do appreciate the support and encouragement. It's helped me pull through this. ❤

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coyote

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Re: Another Sighting
« Reply #26 on: April 24, 2017, 03:23:56 PM »
midnyteblu,
That's exactly what we are saying, Yes you are taking your life back. We are all proud of you. We know the ambivalence, the painful mixture of feelings, that goes along with going NC with a person we really wanted to love. It is painful, it hurts. But it will also make you stronger, help you build new coping skills, and come out with a greater sense of self and self empowerment. We are all here with you in this journey.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

“The only person educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”  Carl Rogers

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

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kazzak

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Re: Another Sighting
« Reply #27 on: April 26, 2017, 11:30:04 AM »
Keep at it, midnyteblu! It truly happens one day at a time.

One counselor advised me privately to have an escape plan ready because of the freuqency and intensity of his rages and how out-of-control he became. This counselor said that my ex was of the type to escalate to the point of killing me. While I'm not so sure about THAT, I knew it would become severely violent if I didn't leave soon.

My private counselor has unofficially summed up that my ex has serious mental health issues, and is on the far end of the narcissistic spectrum.  And when recounting incidents with other survivors, I've heard repeatedly that he's malignant.

I don't know about THAT either, but have heard similar advice. The underlying theory I've heard is that if someone is willing to violate the law or a protection order, then the tops (i.e. killing) are a possibility. You don't have to worry too much about people whom follow the law and protection orders. But, when people don't - including situations like your boundaries being violated - then it's time to put up the guard and plan for the worse. It was a trainwreck and I watched it all. Scary. Really. Take it one day at a time, and press forward no matter what. One way or another, your life is really at stake. and the only way to get it back. hugs.

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coyote

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Re: Another Sighting
« Reply #28 on: April 26, 2017, 11:36:48 AM »
I have to agree with kazzak. You never know when someone can snap. Being prepared does not equate with being paranoid. It just makes good sense.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

“The only person educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”  Carl Rogers

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

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midnyteblu

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Re: Another Sighting
« Reply #29 on: April 28, 2017, 11:48:23 AM »
Thanks again, Kazzak and Coyote. I do feel I should take extra care to watch who's around me. I also want to train myself to walk away if I see him approaching me. I realize that I've been conditioned to submit, and stay still, whenever he approaches, wanting to talk. I can't stop him from approaching, but I can stop him from talking by turning in the other direction and leaving. I've seen that this is really hard for me to do.

I don't think he'll get to the point that the therapist was speaking of. He prizes being able to flash a badge and tote a weapon to much. There's status and prestige with that, and he uses it to the fullest. Although I have several fractures in different places, he was careful not to leave bruises. He does not want his image destroyed, and he doesn't want to lose his job.

I've seen the mutual friend twice subside my last post. After the first time, I took completely different routes and traveled at different times, every day. Then this past week, I went my usual route, and saw the friend sitting, their back to me, but directly facing the back entrance of the shop I go to every day. They usually sit tucked in a corner.

It's too much of a coincidence. This has had a really strong effect on me. I'm back to crying everyday, and have been having pretty heavy emotions. I'm working on getting back to my therapist. I know that'll help me sort through alot of this. Until then, I feel like I'm back to hanging on a thread.

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kazzak

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Re: Another Sighting
« Reply #30 on: April 28, 2017, 12:01:52 PM »
midnyteblu, would you feel better if you signed up for and attended a self defense class? How would you feel after walking out of the first session? Think about it, coyote mentioned it and it was brushed off at first but I think worthwhile exploring. While I have no doubt you may not be able to overpower an officer, I do think it is a good idea that may lead you to feel more empowered. What else can you do to empower yourself? just brainstorming... the more empowered you feel, the better it will get based on my experiences. Even classes at the local college can be enriching and provide empowerment as we learn to master new things and have different positive experiences. You have to take steps. Don't get stuck. Move forward.

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coyote

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Re: Another Sighting
« Reply #31 on: April 28, 2017, 01:11:19 PM »
There are often free classes in self defense, especially for women, available from various groups. So the YMCA, Church groups, the local Community College, even the local Police Dept. While I would have difficulty with a young Police Officer myself, and I am no Chuck Norris, my feeling is it is better to be able to do something instead of nothing should the situation arise.

Many of these classes also teach something called situational awareness as well as physical self defense. The ability to be situationally aware can be as important, if not more so, than the ability to physically defend oneself.

Midnyteblu, You say his badge is too important to him for him to do something stupid; that you have fractures but no bruises???? Any of the fractures, with or without bruises, constitutes assaultive domestic violence. My question is why is he not in jail already? I don't mean to scare anyone but I have seen too many of these situations go from 0 to 100 in no time at all.

As kazzak said though, anything you can do to enrich your life now will lead to feeling more empowered. I would encourage you also to check out the local Domestic Violence program. They probably offer free group therapy sessions that might help.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

“The only person educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”  Carl Rogers

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

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midnyteblu

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Re: Another Sighting
« Reply #32 on: April 28, 2017, 05:14:19 PM »
I like the idea of the classes and situational awareness. It might be something to help retrain me in my tendencies to freeze when in negative situations. It also would be good for just getting me moving again, in general.

I can't tell you how many times I've thought about going to the police. Several things outweigh that:

1. He IS the police. And is well- connected. Early in the relationship, he'd exploded while staying with me and my then- young children. Yelling, physically intimidating, calling me foul names, ransacking my room. I called the police. Once he identified himself as an officer, the responding officers started laughing and joking with him, talking about mutual "brothers" and work loads. Where he'd just terrified my children and I, he was now being shown "officer's courtesy", and being let go without any discussion of what had happened.

2. He's gotten away with many things by using his connections. Going as high as using his chief to get him off of desk duty after he'd been benched for having a domestic issue with his daughter. He has gotten out of many things this way.

3. I have medical records for all of my injuries. After the last one, a fractured rib, the attending physician took down the whole history of abuse, and gave me the contact info for a reporter that works in the district that my ex works in. I contacted her, and we talked for awhile. But her interest turned out to be that she wanted a story about a woman who was being abused by an officer, and when reaching out to the police for help, was being ignored. Since I hadn't filed, she didn't want to report the story.

4. I'm afraid of what he'll do if I report him. I've read that if I were to file a report, the officers will follow-up with him to get "his side of the story". Once he shows his badge to them, it's pretty much pointless for me, and it'll be dismissed. But he will be angry that I told, and I don't know how he'll respond.

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midnyteblu

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Re: Another Sighting
« Reply #33 on: April 28, 2017, 05:55:51 PM »
Kazzak, something you'd posted previously really stuck with me and made me rethink my approach. You'd said that you and your ex happened to be in the same place at the same time, once. You were able to look away and keep walking, without engaging. This is what I'd like to work towards being able to do.

I have a short list of books I'm reading, covering narcissism, psychopathy, trauma bonds, and boundaries. My T had been very helpful. And I could look into a small class or group. I do see the benefit in that, and how it could be empowering. One of the things that deters and angers me is feeling anxious and ill when I go out or am around others. I've never, ever had this before, and it didn't start until after I left him. It's another issue that needs to be dealt with.

But now that it's being brought to surface here, I can be more conscious of finding ways to start thinking and acting tactically, and to enrich myself.

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kazzak

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Re: Another Sighting
« Reply #34 on: April 29, 2017, 06:27:57 AM »
I think your experience has been traumatic, and your responses are natural and appropriate.

Kazzak, something you'd posted previously really stuck with me and made me rethink my approach. You'd said that you and your ex happened to be in the same place at the same time, once. You were able to look away and keep walking, without engaging. This is what I'd like to work towards being able to do.

I didn't think I had a choice at the time. My exNPD/HPD has been very abusive to myself and my son. My DS6 was with me. I could not allow the harm my ex has done to my DS6 (and myself) to be ignored or forgotten because we bumped into each other. The message it would have sent to my DS6 (and myself) was that the trauma and abuse experienced didn't matter. Doing anything else besides walking away would have sent the wrong message to my ex, DS6 (and myself) that the abuse experienced was no longer relevant or important.

I didn't just get to this point by waking up one day. There was a point when I thought the abuse was ok. I had to change my thinking, and needed help (i.e. counseling) to do that. I had to fight like hell to get out of the abuse. A judge has ruled that there is to be no physical contact between myself/DS6 and ex. The judge has provided a long list of requirements that ex will need to meet before she is allowed any contact with myself and DS6. If I would have done anything else, I might give all of this away. I've worked to hard for this, and can't give it up at this point - if not for myself, for my young son whom I'm raising. It would have been devastating to DS6/myself to do anything else. There was no choice in my view. I had to change - otherwise the abuse wouldn't.

I fully acknowledge your situation is not easy with a cop. But, neither was mine as a guy being abused by a women. My ex used the police extensively to threaten me. There are some special powers behind a badge, and it makes things much worse when it's abusive. ime.
« Last Edit: April 29, 2017, 06:33:38 AM by kazzak »

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Geko

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Re: Another Sighting
« Reply #35 on: May 01, 2017, 01:17:57 PM »
mb, I managed to walk past my sister a few weeks back and just looked at her, turned away and walked straight past her without a second glance. I'd practiced it in my head as I thought I would bump into another sister at a different location. I knew it would happen sooner or later but know I needed to keep my cool and have my wits about me as I know I don't like or handle surprises very well. I'll smile at everyone and say 'Hello' automatically if I'm out as I work with clients and don't know who I'll bump into.

When practicing, I imagined it happening and practiced what I'd do and it worked a treat. I wasn't phased or intimidated by her at all, she likes to hoover and intimidate by using passive aggressive behaviours and denying what she's said and done. I wasn't going to allow her to use me to feed her addiction! 

I hope that helps when thinking about how to handle things. Take care.  :yourock:
But still, like dust, I'll rise.  (Maya Angelou)

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midnyteblu

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Re: Another Sighting
« Reply #36 on: May 06, 2017, 09:16:50 AM »
I think your experience has been traumatic, and your responses are natural and appropriate.

Kazzak, something you'd posted previously really stuck with me and made me rethink my approach. You'd said that you and your ex happened to be in the same place at the same time, once. You were able to look away and keep walking, without engaging. This is what I'd like to work towards being able to do.

I didn't think I had a choice at the time. My exNPD/HPD has been very abusive to myself and my son. My DS6 was with me. I could not allow the harm my ex has done to my DS6 (and myself) to be ignored or forgotten because we bumped into each other. The message it would have sent to my DS6 (and myself) was that the trauma and abuse experienced didn't matter. Doing anything else besides walking away would have sent the wrong message to my ex, DS6 (and myself) that the abuse experienced was no longer relevant or important.

I didn't just get to this point by waking up one day. There was a point when I thought the abuse was ok. I had to change my thinking, and needed help (i.e. counseling) to do that. I had to fight like hell to get out of the abuse. A judge has ruled that there is to be no physical contact between myself/DS6 and ex. The judge has provided a long list of requirements that ex will need to meet before she is allowed any contact with myself and DS6. If I would have done anything else, I might give all of this away. I've worked to hard for this, and can't give it up at this point - if not for myself, for my young son whom I'm raising. It would have been devastating to DS6/myself to do anything else. There was no choice in my view. I had to change - otherwise the abuse wouldn't.

I fully acknowledge your situation is not easy with a cop. But, neither was mine as a guy being abused by a women. My ex used the police extensively to threaten me. There are some special powers behind a badge, and it makes things much worse when it's abusive. ime.

Kazzak, I didn't know the extent of your situation. I see that the price for your freedom was high. With the court and mandates involved, you wouldn't want to jeopardize what you'd won. And you want to be a consistent example to your son. It's heartening to see the courts work in favor of a non parent. Congratulations! I've been seeing so many accounts where the PD walks away successful. 😞

Whether the police are used as threats to make us get in line, or our PD's ARE the police, it adds to the feeling of powerlessness. As a male, for you, the fear of the police believing the PD woman over you, because she's a woman, and unjustly taking you away. And for me, the fear of "brother protecting brother", dismissing my reports, and letting him off untouched. It feels hopeless. And seems the best thing to do is just walk away.

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kazzak

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Re: Another Sighting
« Reply #37 on: May 06, 2017, 10:36:24 AM »
It took a few times. I had sole custody/parenting of my son, and reunited at one point. My son didn't have a concept of who his mom was, and that led my decision. I've been provided sole custody three different times, by three different judges. The first time I handed it back, so she could be involved. The second time, a judge gave her another chance. The third time, neither myself nor a judge were willing to walk that path again without changes demonstrated.

I didn't find any other way than to walk away. I guess you could keep trying, but ... it was counterproductive and in my own circumstances the situation escalated each time. It only got worse.

The way I see it, you have just as much reason. We all have an innerchild, and need to take care of ourselves.

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midnyteblu

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Re: Another Sighting
« Reply #38 on: May 10, 2017, 08:17:53 AM »
mb, I managed to walk past my sister a few weeks back and just looked at her, turned away and walked straight past her without a second glance. I'd practiced it in my head as I thought I would bump into another sister at a different location. I knew it would happen sooner or later but know I needed to keep my cool and have my wits about me as I know I don't like or handle surprises very well. I'll smile at everyone and say 'Hello' automatically if I'm out as I work with clients and don't know who I'll bump into.

When practicing, I imagined it happening and practiced what I'd do and it worked a treat. I wasn't phased or intimidated by her at all, she likes to hoover and intimidate by using passive aggressive behaviours and denying what she's said and done. I wasn't going to allow her to use me to feed her addiction! 

I hope that helps when thinking about how to handle things. Take care.  :yourock:

I've often thought about doing this, preparing myself by practicing my demeanor and short phrases should I ever run into him. I understand being used to smiling and greeting people  when passing by, especially those we know. It feels like it's just nature to do so.  Turning off our natural, pleasant responses- I struggle with that concept,  but know that situations like ours really do call for it. It seems like it's  worked well for you in encountering your sister.  I've imagined having the same type of success with it.

I did have the concern that by thinking about him coming around, I would cause it to actually happen, if that makes sense? I'm definitely in agreement with you that preparation needs to be done, so that I'm not a basketcase if it does happen. I guess it comes down to picking the least painful of the two: being totally unprepared,  or practicing scenarios with him and his patterns in mind...  Eeesshh.  But as I'm away from him longer, I do feel more emotionally detached from him, and think I might be able to have more sound responses if he should show up again. 

Thanks Geko!