One year Divorced - now have GF

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Hoolio

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One year Divorced - now have GF
« on: April 17, 2017, 06:22:13 PM »
One year on after divorce with UDBPD EX W

Now dating (just) one month but I feel it could go long term.

Ex and I live v close to each other so there is a high risk of bumping into ex, or more likely,  being seen by other parents / people we know in the neiborhood who will be quick to gossip / or "rat" on me to the ex.

I have NO PLANS to tell the kids and the new GF has her own stable set up (with her much older kids) and neither of us want to "blend a family". 

But I do think it's best to tell the ex before she finds out from someone else.

But I am concerned she will blow up - rant and rave to our kids and decend into an "everything bad" spiral - and pull the rug out from my feet on my access to the kids.

Any advice?
I am an ex husband of uBPD wife. Co parenting 2 children. Good luck to us all here!  Glad to be OOTF and rebuilding my life!

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Diavore

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Re: One year Divorced - now have GF
« Reply #1 on: April 17, 2017, 06:31:01 PM »
Maybe theres way more to your situation than I know but based on just this post, I wouldn't say anything about any of it to anyone.  Its no ones business.  You're a full year out.  People date, spend time with friends, live, eat, breath, etc.  If you try to hide it, it takes on an energy that your doing something wrong when youre not but I don't think theres any reason to inform anyone of your social circumstances either.

Sure, lay low til your sure its going long term but id advise that to any one with children to consider.

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Hazey

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Re: One year Divorced - now have GF
« Reply #2 on: April 17, 2017, 11:21:58 PM »
I agree - -maybe you pick a time period in your head? Like, "I introduce significant others to my kids only after x months of dating" ...

And if others see or your ex finds out -- that fine. You cant really control that. If that happens, then you can explain to your kids that you are seeing someone, but it's not serious, and you were going to wait until x number of months to tell them.

Or if they don't find out.. then you just wait your chosen number of months!

IDK - that's what my H did. The number he and his xw had chosen when they divorced was three months. They would not bring someone into their children's lives until they had been dating at least three months.

(Of course, she actually cheated on him and brought someone into their lives on Day 1 ... so it didn't make any sense. But he abided by it!)

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Latchkey

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Re: One year Divorced - now have GF
« Reply #3 on: April 20, 2017, 01:07:41 PM »
Hey Hoolio,
Congratulations. I think your concerns are valid about your ex. Just the fact that you live close and she could see a car parked out front or bump into you at a grocery story or a restaurant is concerning. When I have been seeing someone seriously I live in a big enough area that I can avoid my exPD. Unless there is a marriage proposal on the table I have no desire to involve or inform my ex. I went through hell with remarriage from both his PD ex and my PD ex. Turns out I remarried to a covert N/ASPD but that was another story. Both of our exes were very difficult with us and our kids when they found out about us.

So, given that, and the experiences of many here and IRL, I would wait as long as humanly possible to let your exPD know. This one month GF is a special person to you and you need to protect this relationship from your PD and from nosy neighbors as long as possible. See where it goes. If 6 months from now it is still going strong then gradually dropping a hint or two that you are seeing someone might be good. The more importance you place on this will be sensed in your ex and your special relationship may be blown wide open by your ex.

I think for now the best thing to do is for both you and your GF to focus on eachother and try to avoid the ex and the neighbors and each others kids as much as possible to see where things go.

Also, I would suggest you take things very slow in general. It is very common for those of us coming out of a PD relationship to end up in another one. My exh1 was BPD/ASPD so seemed the complete opposite of NPD/ASPD H2. Little did i know that this jump from the overt PD to the covert PD or vice versa is pretty common.

Latchkey
« Last Edit: April 20, 2017, 01:12:15 PM by Latchkey »
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Steve42

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Re: One year Divorced - now have GF
« Reply #4 on: April 20, 2017, 09:27:58 PM »
I had a girlfriend of 3 years and never told my ex. Soon enough she found out about my girlfriend through my son, but she never mentioned it.  Your ex knows that you have as much right to date as she or anyone else does. The only question is how much you will involve her in your child's life and how soon, but that's something you will have to decide for yourself.  Hope it works out with this girl!

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Stepping lightly

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Re: One year Divorced - now have GF
« Reply #5 on: April 21, 2017, 08:14:09 AM »
When DH and I started dating, he didn't tell his ex.  She found out eventually through the kids. 

I wouldn't make a big deal out of it- just let things unfold as they will.  You don't owe her an update on your personal life, especially if the kids haven't been involved in it.  She'd disagree with that statement surely, but PDs feel entitled to things that aren't theirs to know/have.  If she's going to below up about it, she is going to below up about it no matter how she finds out.

My unsolicited advice would be to keep your GF in the dark about the PD stuff as long as possible....forever if you can!  As much as you can block her from it and keep your relationship normal, the better life you both will have.  It's a LOT to digest as the new person, and from personal experience...when you don't understand PDs...you think you can handle it.  It's HARD to step into.  DH didn't tell me about BM's issues until I started to see them for myself, mostly through things the kids would say in front of me... then clearly when she realized we were very seriously dating and she told the kids we were poisoning them on vacation.  From day 1, I stayed away from BM...I actually never saw or spoke to her until a judge ordered it in court after we were already engaged (judge sent us to a private room in the courthouse...alone...to chat.  Talk about torture.  DH's attorney was actually really worried about me while I was confined with her).  My mindset was that if she started badmouthing me to the kids, my defense would be, "I am not sure why your mom would think that, we've never even met or spoken to each other". 

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bopper

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Re: One year Divorced - now have GF
« Reply #6 on: April 21, 2017, 02:26:47 PM »
Based on stories I have read here, I would not tell her unless you have to.
Even if things seem to be going "okay" with your ex, them seeing you have an SO can be a trigger for bad behavior.

Remember: you are thinking like a considerate person and expecting the PD person to think the same way. You are thinking "this is how I want to be treated"....but PDers think in a completely different way.
You are still a considerate person and will act that way to "normal" people, but you have to act differently with a PDer.
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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Hoolio

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Re: One year Divorced - now have GF
« Reply #7 on: Yesterday at 06:05:28 PM »
Thanks everyone!

Not telling!
I am an ex husband of uBPD wife. Co parenting 2 children. Good luck to us all here!  Glad to be OOTF and rebuilding my life!