Counsellor wants to transfer me after everything. Im shocked

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Broken heart

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Feels like I'm being punished for h incredible fog. Our counsellor is now saying he will transfer me to a woman for one on one and us as a couple back to where we started. He wasn't clear if it would be a new couples counsellor but he did say no more at his private practice. He says this is incredibly confusing because I'm saying one thing and h is saying the opposite. I've been clear. I want nc. I do not want to discuss in laws for at least 6 months and if after some considerable work on us as a couple and individuals (h needs to dissolve his horrendous enmeshment) I might be willing to hear out waify sil. Mil texted me the other night and this is what sparked the whole thing with h and counsellor she said "please tell my son I love him and his family". I deleted it and didnt tell a soul but their bs just continues. Sil was trying to isolate H to "talk" but our counsellor put a stop to that. H was trying to drag our entire family to a session during the holiday because of his waify whiney sister. Our childcare was out of town so all 5 of us would have to go. They also tried to involve auntie (mil sister) again and plan easter festivities and invited us along as if things were normal. They're not. H was sent into a tail spin yelling at me "what if they want to apologize??!!! You HAVE to hear them out!!!" And started texting furry with the counsellor and calling the counsellor like a mad man. Next thing I know I'm being questioned so I clear things up again with the counsellor and again with h. "No I am not going to hear anyone out! I am not interested! I do not care what any of them have to say. Im tired and this is making me incredibly sick. Leave me alone or I am going to separate from h! I'm dead serious now." So now I'm being transferred.
« Last Edit: April 18, 2017, 06:45:39 PM by Broken heart »

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Rose1

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Re: Counsellor wants to transfer me after everything. Im shocked
« Reply #1 on: April 18, 2017, 07:12:47 PM »
Might be an awesome opportunity say no thanks and fine someone else who gets it.  Transfers are likely to be more of the same imo

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Broken heart

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Re: Counsellor wants to transfer me after everything. Im shocked
« Reply #2 on: April 18, 2017, 07:54:03 PM »
This counsellor is frustrating me to no end. Hes the only witness i have for the Nbils Nrage too. Im so upset.

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DJCleo

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Re: Counsellor wants to transfer me after everything. Im shocked
« Reply #3 on: April 18, 2017, 08:04:22 PM »
Might be an awesome opportunity say no thanks and fine someone else who gets it.  Transfers are likely to be more of the same imo


I agree.

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Sidney37

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Re: Counsellor wants to transfer me after everything. Im shocked
« Reply #4 on: April 18, 2017, 08:05:15 PM »
Maybe the individual counselor will have a different perspective and get what is actually happening.  I'd try it and see what happens. 

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Broken heart

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Re: Counsellor wants to transfer me after everything. Im shocked
« Reply #5 on: April 18, 2017, 08:10:32 PM »
I hope so. My voice has definitely not been heard that's for sure. He has been a witness though. Legally I can still use that if need be Im sure.

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kayjewel

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Re: Counsellor wants to transfer me after everything. Im shocked
« Reply #6 on: April 18, 2017, 08:22:02 PM »
I agree with the others. I think this is going to be a good thing for you. As I've posted before, I have reservations about that counselor's competence, and I think he hasn't been acting professionally.
There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.
-- C. G. Jung

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Broken heart

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Re: Counsellor wants to transfer me after everything. Im shocked
« Reply #7 on: April 18, 2017, 09:12:35 PM »
Seems like he's scrambling a bit ever since I asked him if sil and mil were his clients. I'm just mad that it feels like H is pulling strings because of heavy fog and fleas.

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Bloomie

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Re: Counsellor wants to transfer me after everything. Im shocked
« Reply #8 on: April 19, 2017, 10:54:01 AM »
Broken Heart - I agree with others, this may very well be a blessing in disguise. After witnessing the level of high conflict behaviors your H's family engages in - to the point of having to have a couple of them escorted out of his office - this therapist is still (imho) not an advocate for your family's safety and that is what is of most concern for me.

After witnessing the shenanigans of your H's family I honestly believe a safe and appropriate move would've been for him to immediately shut down any talk of meeting with the in laws (indicating he has HEARD your stated wishes and concerns in all of this)  and for him to stay focused on the well being and emotional healing of you and your H. That didn't happen and that is a serious consideration for you I would imagine. As you have pointed out... you and your H are his clients.  :blink:

I would not want his referral either quite honestly at this point. It might be best to do some research and some interviewing and find a therapist that is a really good, empathetic advocate for you.

That you are in a deeper mess than ever before after this therapist's "help" is not a good sign that he is equipped to help you. I am really sorry that things have turned into the quagmire that they are. Removing yourself from the therapeutic relationship with someone you are doubting is a very wise self care move.
« Last Edit: April 19, 2017, 10:56:47 AM by Bloomie »
Bloomie 🌸


"It's not what we don't know that hurts us, people say. Its what we believe is true that isn't, that does the damage." Melodie Beatty
"If the individual put as much effort into being a good person as they do into pretending to be one, they could actually be a good person." A. Brenner MD

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Entj

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Re: Counsellor wants to transfer me after everything. Im shocked
« Reply #9 on: April 19, 2017, 01:03:33 PM »
So sorry to hear that your counselor is not preoccupied with how to help you two as a couple to move forward. I'm not very sure he knows what he's doing. Most probably it would be a good thing to find a new counselor yourself.

Bon courage, Broken heart. Hope you find someone trustworthy that will help you go through these difficult times.

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DJCleo

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Re: Counsellor wants to transfer me after everything. Im shocked
« Reply #10 on: April 19, 2017, 01:14:40 PM »
I hope so. My voice has definitely not been heard that's for sure. He has been a witness though. Legally I can still use that if need be Im sure.


I'd hold his testimony like a grain of salt - loosely. I'd only believe him in the future if he shows up and does well for you. Otherwise, I'd run far away.

Doesn't sound like this is any good for you.

Do you need some tips in trying to find another therapist?


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mayaberry

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Re: Counsellor wants to transfer me after everything. Im shocked
« Reply #11 on: April 19, 2017, 02:10:49 PM »
From what you've said, it sounds as though this counsellor has realised that he is out of his depth with this situation. Although he shouldn't really be transferring blame on to you by saying you are confusing him. It also sounds as though he has struggled to manage this appropriately for some time (going by the other replies you have had here). I would be glad that he has recognised that he cannot help you, instead of leaving you to muddle along and get no benefit whatsoever from the sessions and either see how you get on with the new person he transfers you to or look for someone yourself. Im not clear why he allowed your inlaws to come to a session. You and H are his clients and no one else should really be intruding on that at all unless the entire family has agreed to sustained mediation attempts and it is a proper mediation service. Otherwise, your one on one sessions and couple sessions are just that - either one on one or as a couple, no one else. I work in a counselling service (ironically because I have no clue how to deal with my inlaws) and we never do family mediations, they are referred to specialist services. We work one on one with the client or with a family member. Always separate, never together. Unless you are highly skilled in these things it can make things a whole lot worse and your counsellor should have known that.

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Rose1

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Re: Counsellor wants to transfer me after everything. Im shocked
« Reply #12 on: April 19, 2017, 05:41:45 PM »
Personally I think something smells here.  And trust your gut.  There's something with your in laws and this guy.  Maybe they are paying him money.  In any case unethical.  I also would be very careful about a referral

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Broken heart

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Re: Counsellor wants to transfer me after everything. Im shocked
« Reply #13 on: April 19, 2017, 06:06:51 PM »
I also have a back ground in counselling and even I was confused by this turn from couples to h family. I said as much i wasn't interested in trying to patch things up with them. They're horrible people and now sil is emailing the counsellor and the bil that Nraged at the meeting is phoning H saying they're all really trying to get this meeting out of the way before my sons first birthday and why Im so difficult to smooth things over with. Its infuriating and frustrating the lengths these people are going! That being said yall are right! Im glad I called the counsellor out on who are his clients. I think he's panicking a bit because he screwed this up so badly. H persistence to smooth things over with his foo is destroying our foc and hes allowing it by letting it continue like this.
Edited to add: we've been seeing this counsellor for 8 months and for 6 of those 8 months its been h foo and meetings with them etc etc
« Last Edit: April 19, 2017, 06:09:24 PM by Broken heart »

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DJCleo

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Re: Counsellor wants to transfer me after everything. Im shocked
« Reply #14 on: April 19, 2017, 06:20:01 PM »
I also have a back ground in counselling and even I was confused by this turn from couples to h family. I said as much i wasn't interested in trying to patch things up with them. They're horrible people and now sil is emailing the counsellor and the bil that Nraged at the meeting is phoning H saying they're all really trying to get this meeting out of the way before my sons first birthday and why Im so difficult to smooth things over with. Its infuriating and frustrating the lengths these people are going! That being said yall are right! Im glad I called the counsellor out on who are his clients. I think he's panicking a bit because he screwed this up so badly. H persistence to smooth things over with his foo is destroying our foc and hes allowing it by letting it continue like this.
Edited to add: we've been seeing this counsellor for 8 months and for 6 of those 8 months its been h foo and meetings with them etc etc


I really think that you need to report this "counselor" to some authority. Even just run it by his boss. This is so ridiculous. I can't imagine the stress this is causing you when it's supposed to be making your life better!

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Broken heart

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Re: Counsellor wants to transfer me after everything. Im shocked
« Reply #15 on: April 19, 2017, 06:33:32 PM »
I have already gone to his clinical supervisor. This was over a month ago and the supervisor told me no more of H foo. Another month has passed since the meeting blew up into outer space.

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MLR

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Re: Counsellor wants to transfer me after everything. Im shocked
« Reply #16 on: April 21, 2017, 06:20:46 AM »
Talk to your counselor's supervisor again.  Tell that person about in laws continued contact with your counselor.   This guy is screwing up big time.  Maybe ask the supervisor for a referral.

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clara

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Re: Counsellor wants to transfer me after everything. Im shocked
« Reply #17 on: April 21, 2017, 09:49:03 AM »
Been there, done that.  I agree that this counselor is out of his depth and knows it but won't acknowledge it so wants to put it on you.  By telling  you that you were "confusing" him he more or less admitted it.  I wouldn't take his transfer but would try to find someone on my own because often they transfer you to someone who has similar training and approaches--someone they know personally as well as professionally. 

Bad therapists are out there and are often usually the ones who will try to make you believe you're a "bad client."  Cut ties and be done with him.  You deserve the best you can get and he's clearly not good enough. 

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Broken heart

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Re: Counsellor wants to transfer me after everything. Im shocked
« Reply #18 on: April 21, 2017, 01:06:06 PM »
I was really hoping this would have been the last time I'd need to be transferred etc. We've been through a few counsellors and this tends to be the end result because h twists it to serve himself. The fog is thick and choking with him and his foo. The beginning is the hardest right? I fear that having yet another counsellor will just discourage me. I'm already feeling that way.
« Last Edit: April 21, 2017, 01:15:23 PM by Broken heart »

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DJCleo

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Re: Counsellor wants to transfer me after everything. Im shocked
« Reply #19 on: April 21, 2017, 01:51:23 PM »
I was really hoping this would have been the last time I'd need to be transferred etc. We've been through a few counsellors and this tends to be the end result because h twists it to serve himself. The fog is thick and choking with him and his foo. The beginning is the hardest right? I fear that having yet another counsellor will just discourage me. I'm already feeling that way.

Is there a chance that you need to go on your own to therapy and leave your husband out of the sessions until he comes Out of the FOG? I can't imagine trying to do therapy with someone who doesn't have the same goals and isn't in the same mindset as I am.

I find therapy helps me become clearer with myself. It helps me figure out what I want to DO when it's in terms of what I do to / with /around my husband or his FOO. That's not to say that I don't love him, because I certainly do. It's not to say that we couldn't make couple's therapy work, because we could. It's not to say that he's doing a horrible job of dealing with his FFO, because he's doing very well considering everything.

It's just so hard to get through ANYTHING with a couple talking to one person (counselor) that it almost doesn't make sense in a lot of circumstances.

If it were me I'd consider going alone for now and only including your husband in the sessions when you and your counselor decide it's time. You need safe space for your thoughts, feelings, and emotions as well as your ideas. Your ideas need to be honored and a therapist can work with you one-on-one and possibly get a lot more accomplished.

That's my two cents.