My BPD and My DD and me

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Dinah-sore

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My BPD and My DD and me
« on: April 19, 2017, 11:17:11 PM »
I am sorry that I am posting on here sooo much lately; it just feels like everything is escalating.

Tonight we went out with family for a birthday for a member of the family. And it began as my BPDm making a comment about how she is hurt that we are not going tomorrow on said person's actual birthday, because we are doing something with our friends to celebrate. :( comment noted.

Then we were there, and I notice her picking on my oldest dd for little things. She told her to get off her phone. My dd is not usually on her phone during meals, but her friends we are meeting tomorrow texted her and she was responding. But my M acted like it was a role that was being played--the teen is on her phone ignoring the family, and she must tell the rude teen to get off her phone. And I was sitting right next to dd asking talking to her about what they were saying. I am the parent, I had no problem with it. My M huffs and puffs.

Then later my dd takes out her phone again for a selfie, and I see my M make a face, so I try to diffuse the situation by leaning next to dd and we took a selfie together. Why can't we take a picture? Then dd is eating fries, and M tells her to slow down.

It was just little stuff. But she LOOKS for little stuff. I think she looks for anything, because it makes her feel happy to correct her.

Then my parents play a joke on me. Where they told me that my dad was asked to do something wonderful, it is in an area of arts that my career is based in. And to him it is just a hobby. So in a way, it would have made me feel slighted that he was asked even though he just dabbles, and I wasn't and my life revolves around this thing. I was actually so happy for him. It was shocking, but it was also inspiring to me that even at his age, he could do something so wonderful.

Then they tell me that they were just joking. I was confused? What? They laughed and told me it was a joke. They wanted to tell me he got asked to do something so that they could watch me be jealous. It was so annoying. My M told me she was actually disappointed that I didn't get jealous. I was disappointed, because I was bummed that it wasn't true, but also, that they would try to screw with my emotions like that. So that I could be rotten and that would make them happy?

Then she was picking on DD again for something--see I don't remember everything. I think my brain forces me to forget stuff. And also, my brain shuts down when stuff is happening. I often sit there watching and zoning. Like a statue waiting for drama to end. I feel like a child. It is horrible. Well, she and my DD got in a fight, and my dd told her that she didn't like what she was saying. So my M told her, "Oh really? (and her neck started going in circles) You don't get to tell me that you don't like what I am saying." and it went on and got worse and I tried to tap DD's leg under the table and I told her to stop.  Because she won't win. We can't win.

Then my M asked me to move a plate from the edge, so I did. Then she huffed and puffed, and put her tongue in her cheek and gave me an angry look. And I had had it. I was like, "what is your problem?" And she got even more mad saying that she wasn't being mad, that I didn't move the plate far enough for the birthday person's dessert, for when it comes and I was being mean to her. I said, "you are giving me mean looks and huffing and puffing." And she got super angry, gave me "the look," turned sideways in her chair, grabbed her purse like she was going to leave, decided she didn't want to do that. Then my DD tells her to stop it, that I didn't do anything wrong and she is ruining the birthday person's birthday meal. And right then the dessert comes. Awkward. But good for my DD, who isn't me and doesn't just sit silent. Then M gets all passive aggressive happy angry. Big smile, nodding exaggeratedly, super angry, scary angry.

Time passes.

The subject changes, the mood lightens.

Now I am home and I find out she had been texting my DD telling her she is going to go to her school tomorrow so she can see her crush. She is just joking, but again, she is trying to get her nervous or upset, because she thinks that is funny. My DD is super excited about her crush, but also super scared of being embarrassed around him (totally normal). So then my M calls her and is teasing her that she is going to go and say hi to him. This is what I grew up with. I know now she won't do it, but she always would threaten to embarrass me in front of my crushes. My dd says, "Can you please stop teasing me about this, it isn't funny anymore." And then my M gets all passive aggressive and says in an angry sweet voice, "Oh okay.... goodbye then" and HANGS UP ON HER!!!! But she leaves my DD feeling guilty. DD comes out to me and tells me what is happening in my own house without my knowledge and says, "why does she have to tease me, and then when I ask her nicely to stop she acts like I am hurting her??????"

I have no good answer.

And since I have started typing all this she has called me 3 times. I have ignored it, because I can't argue tonight, and I can't agree with her anymore either. I don't have the energy for it right now. If she wants to tell on my dd to me, and have me as her accomplice getting my dd in line--it isn't going to happen. I want to tell her to stop. I did tell her tonight that I hate it when she argues with my DD and she told me that my DD is on my side and she isn't going to take being "double teamed." But my DD shouldn't have to be my hero. I need to be hers. And I need to do more than tap her leg under the table so she stops talking. When she was little I didn't notice things so much, and she didn't have the capacity to say no. I get not being disrespectful of your elders, but also my dd gets frustrated with always being nit picked. So yeah, things are changing as she gets older.

On top of all of it, we are planning a family vacation with them. How can you reduce contact when you are with them 24/7 for a week. We used to do it all the time, but now it is constant tension.

And I feel like it is my fault-- for noticing it. That it would be better if the FOG was thicker. I know it isn't true. but I am so unhappy.
« Last Edit: April 19, 2017, 11:21:20 PM by Dinah-sore »
"I had to accept the fact that, look, this is who I am. I have to be who I am, and all of us have a right to be who we are. And whenever we submit our will, because our will is a gift, our will is given to us, whenever we submit our will to someone else's opinion a part of us dies." --Lauryn Hill

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Dinah-sore

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Re: My BPD and My DD and me
« Reply #1 on: April 19, 2017, 11:29:31 PM »
I have in the past let my DD "talk back" to her. Because DD had a right to, IMHO. One time BPDm said in disgust, "you have two of the stupidest kids on the planet." and my DD put her finger out and told her that it was rude and hurtful, and she wasn't going to let her grandma say things like that, then she stormed down the hall and slammed the door. And BPDm looked at me like, "Are you gonna let her talk to me that way?" and I explained that what she said was a horrible thing for a grandma to say, and my DD has a right to express how it made her feel. This was unheard of in the home I grew up in.

So then she twists it to flatter me, she said, "But you do so much for them, and they need to know to appreciate you, and if they do xyz they are taking you for granted and stupid. So I was standing up for you."

So calling my kids stupid, is a healthy way to teach them appreciation? I should be okay with it, because you did it FOR ME:stars:

But you can't argue, because everything gets turned around to her being the good guy (she always can come up with a reason) and everyone else needing her correction. And she gets me so turned around I don't know my right from my left.

She told my dad the other day that her calling him "stupid" is what she does to help him save his business. That if she didn't see what he was doing wrong, he would have gone bankrupt by now. He kind of believes it; not that he is stupid, or that she saves his business, but that she means well.
"I had to accept the fact that, look, this is who I am. I have to be who I am, and all of us have a right to be who we are. And whenever we submit our will, because our will is a gift, our will is given to us, whenever we submit our will to someone else's opinion a part of us dies." --Lauryn Hill

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Dinah-sore

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Re: My BPD and My DD and me
« Reply #2 on: April 19, 2017, 11:32:20 PM »
Sorry, I keep thinking of more to say.

My whole grown life I have been trained to defer to her. If something happens, I have always looked to her, for her to tell me what to think about it, how to feel about it, and what to do about it. She can feel me making decisions on my own now. And my dad told me it makes her feel rejected.

But I still am so weak. I still sit still sometimes and not get up and leave. But guilt. They paid for dinner. They wanted to take us to dinner. Do I just walk out? How rude and unthankful is that? I don't know what I should have done? What do I do next time?
"I had to accept the fact that, look, this is who I am. I have to be who I am, and all of us have a right to be who we are. And whenever we submit our will, because our will is a gift, our will is given to us, whenever we submit our will to someone else's opinion a part of us dies." --Lauryn Hill

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Dinah-sore

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Re: My BPD and My DD and me
« Reply #3 on: April 19, 2017, 11:44:32 PM »
I'm sorry----

One more thing. Since my kids were born, I know she loves them and would give her life for them. But in little ways, she has always ignored them. When they were little she would get frustrated when they would interrupt and have needs where it would interrupt her stories of what happened to her each day. Meals were always for "adult talk" and the kids needed to just sit bored. I would give them tons of snacks at restaurants just to keep them quiet and content! LOL. She would say hi to them, comment on how cute they looked, talk a bit to them, she does enjoy them--but then it was time for the grown ups to talk. This is probably normal. But now that the kids are older and want to join in the conversation, she kinda says things like "this is none of your business" or "stop interjecting" and complains that they talk when she wants to talk. So they need to just sit there quiet, but they also cannot be on a device--because that is what bad parents give kids and they are not healthy. So sitting, bored, is healthy?

My kids wanted to tell her a bunch of things today, but she instead wanted to tell me about the color of the graphics she was making at work, and how she added a square, what color it was, what the font was, what the background was, etc. etc. etc. MINUTIA. The other day she went on and on and on about how she was trying to park at a restaurant and it was a tight space, so she pulled in, but it was tight, so she backed out halfway and then pulled in again, but she was too far to the right, so she backed up again, and tried it again. How she wanted to park somewhere else, but there were no other spaces, so she had to squeeze. it was really hard and she was very anxious, but she did it. The story literally took 7-10 minutes. And I smiled and nodded, but I was thinking, "wow... I park all the time... I don't know why she thinks this is a significant story for conversation." The small details of her life are more important than the stories that my kids want to tell her about their day at school today. They don't tell stories about using the pencil sharpener either (I put my pencil in the sharpener, and I hurt my knuckles each time I spun the lever, then I pulled it out, and looked and it wasn't sharp, so I put it back in, and then the lead broke off, so I had to do it again, and ..." That would be the equivalent of what she shares with me sometimes).

She does care about my big problems, and she does love to tell us her advice, but she also seems a bit too focused on small details. Or am I being really critical and hurtful?
"I had to accept the fact that, look, this is who I am. I have to be who I am, and all of us have a right to be who we are. And whenever we submit our will, because our will is a gift, our will is given to us, whenever we submit our will to someone else's opinion a part of us dies." --Lauryn Hill

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Fiasco

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Re: My BPD and My DD and me
« Reply #4 on: April 20, 2017, 09:27:01 AM »
Wow, your M behavior is a LOT to deal with! I want to start with a pair of compliments. Your DD sounds absolutely fantastic. She must be mature, self aware, and confident to respond to your M the way she does. I confess to feeling jealous of her self assuredness while reading. And you get a compliment too, because you must be raising her in a way that lets her be stand up for herself. I find when raising my own kids that a lot of parenting is just NOT messing up their naturally great selves.

One of the things which stood out to me in your posts was that you felt the need to defend your M constantly. As in, she does care about the children but she ignores them. I can feel you twisting yourself into knots as you try to talk about her behavior. It is ok to write the facts about her behavior, and to accept them as reality. You're not making them up. You're not "just being too sensitive ". Her behavior is poor, to say the least.

I hear what you're saying about feeling guilty. That's a big thing around here, the G in FOG. The fact that your parents pay for dinner at a restaurant obligates (the O in FOG) you to nothing. Literally nothing. Sure, you have basic human decency, and feel a natural duty to be an enjoyable dinner companion, but that's different from being a punching bag. When someone (parents) buys something they have a natural right to expect to get value for their money, but guess what? Sometimes you don't. That's life. You absolutely CAN set a reasonable, clearly stated boundary and then stick to it. "If you insult DD again we will leave". Or whatever. And then do it.  That might sound impossible to you today, but if you keep working on yourself you will be able to. It just takes time and work.

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: My BPD and My DD and me
« Reply #5 on: April 20, 2017, 10:02:39 AM »
Oh wow! What a whole lot you're dealing with and I'm so sorry. Good you let DD out her foot down. That checking out you describe shenanigans are happening is s called disassociating. Check the Toolbox What not to Do recycle bin as so much of what you describe your ways of coping are things we've all done that just keep their abuse cycle going. You are being abused plain and simple. Check the Toolbox What to Do for ideas of how too start standing up, claiming your basic human rights for you and your daughter starting with the topics boundaries and my stuff your stuff. Your mom is all about controlling minutia, plates, phones, French fries. Just reading makes my head spin and my stomach turn for you two.
each and every contact with a PD person results in damage. Plan accordingly and make time to heal. See Toolbox for tips.

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all4peace

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Re: My BPD and My DD and me
« Reply #6 on: April 20, 2017, 10:27:46 AM »
Your mother is a piece of work. I wonder if the thing to do would be to set very firm boundaries. She starts fighting with your DD, you walk out of the restaurant. She harasses DD by text, she gets blocked or DD doesn't respond. She calls your kids stupid, she is asked to leave your home immediately. No arguing, no justifying, no defensiveness, no nitpicking. If she behaves badly (which is her choice), you leave/block/etc (your choice).

I'm sorry this is your mother. It sounds like you're doing a great job with your own kids!

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: My BPD and My DD and me
« Reply #7 on: April 20, 2017, 11:47:55 AM »
I agree, it does sound like you're doing a great job with your kids. When we grow up with these type of parents I think many of us bend over backwards to NOT subject them to what we dealt with.

These "so-called jokes" are not funny at all.  :no: In fact they are cruel. I see so much of my mother's actions in what you wrote about your mother. It's really sad how they have (had) this power over us.

The one thing that really stands out to me is you going on VACATION WITH THEM.  :no_shake:  If there is any possible way for you to get out of it, please get out of this joint vacation. It will be all about her, and even more of the same awful behavior. You're right, you will be with them 24-7.... a captive audience for her bad behavior.

I went on 2 vacations with my uPD mom and after the last time I swore to never do it again and I haven't!! There is NO way I'd subject myself or my family that terrible time again.

As for your M hanging up on your daughter---that makes me so mad. Please read and re-read medium chill, gray rock and more in the Toolbox area. I can feel what you're feeling. I had so many of these same things with my uPDmom. I have been backing away and seeing her for what she is. It's making me feel so much better. I hope the same for you Dinah-sore!

Another thing I have been keeping in mind is that my mother has no power over me anymore. She needs me a thousand times more than I need her. No one listens to her anymore, her rants and raves fall on deaf ears. No one is thinking how terrible I am like she tries to pretend. People see through her and I've had people tell me things about her that I had no idea about. In other words, people think she's off her rocker and mean as hell.

You CAN back away from her and nothing will happen. Well, she can have hissy fits but it doesn't matter and no one really cares. It's a wonderful feeling. In fact, I've been looking at my mother as an angry little toddler, fuming about this or that and I don't care as much as I used to! 


« Last Edit: April 20, 2017, 12:22:09 PM by SunnyMeadow »

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bopper

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Re: My BPD and My DD and me
« Reply #8 on: April 20, 2017, 12:52:30 PM »
I agree...get out of this joint vacation.

Think about your daughter...you are teaching her that either 1) her normal behavior is somehow unacceptable 2) Your mother gets to say what she can do 3) She sees a model for mother/daughter relationships from her 4) You are teaching her to be around very annoying people because they are fammmmmmily  5) People can try to scam you and you don't do much about it

Ask yourself:
1) What do I want from a relationship with them?
Are you thinking "We should honor our parents and try to be with them and let them have access to grandchildren because that is what nice people do?" 
But that is assuming they are keeping up their end of the social bargain...which they are not.

2) What do you want your daughter to have a relationship with them?
Do you want her to seem them belittling you?
Is she getting anything out of the relationship  with them?

3) What about your DH?
How does this affect them?

You are still letting her have power over you...but there is no need to.
Next time, tell the family member that you have previous plans on a day where your mother will be there and meet up with them separtely another time.



Consider blocking your mother on your DD's phone..
"DD, I don't like the way grandma was treating you at the dinner nor the way she teased you on the phone.  I want you to block her from your phone at this point..we are going to take a time out from her."

And do the same.

Consider telling your mother:
"Mom, after the way you acted toward us at the dinner I have realized we can't go on vacation with you. I need to take a break. Don't call me for a bit either."
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
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moglow

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Re: My BPD and My DD and me
« Reply #9 on: April 20, 2017, 01:02:19 PM »
My $.23 ...

A huge pet peeve of mine is name calling - I know I do it without thinking and I'm always ashamed of myself afterwards. My mother called me a variety of degrading and demeaning names all my life in her "joking" way. I wasn't allowed to object or point out how it bothered me. She never elaborated on it, but always brushed it off like it was no big deal. I was just too sensitive, couldn't take a joke. Well no, not after all those years of encouraging the whole family make me the butt of their jokes. Still not funny.

One of mother's biggest meltdowns several years back was after I asked her to please stop referring to me as weird. I was polite and unemotional when I said it. I said please. It bothered me. It hurt my feelings and made me doubt myself, I felt that I was always lacking when she said that. She went OFF and kept on going off. She hung up on me, called back, cussed me like I was nothing and had no right to say anything, then hung up again. She went on to tell everyone who'd listened that I'd attacked her. Then she went silent for months - and I found a wonderful counselor who first told me about BPD. The whole relationship was never the same after that, and it wasn't that great before.

Anyway, I'd start there and make it clear that it's very rude and disrespectful of others and calling *anyone* names for any reason is not acceptable. "That's what I'm teaching my family and that includes everyone in every situation. We need to learn to use our words, describe behavior instead of slapping an ugly label on it and acting like that okay when it's not." When that meltdown starts, I'd go in with the rest ...

Mama doesn't have to know all your business, or DD's either. Telling her your/her personal business is handing her ammunition she can pull out and spew over you anytime and every time she wants. Her complete lack of boundaries is her stuff, but sounds like y'all need some. Stop telling her everything. Keep it surface and casual. I was also taught that children don't back talk adults, but frankly a well placed "that's not very nice" and a refusal to continue a particular conversation may be way overdue. She needs to not get reactions to her performances. Shut them down and go home if you have to but y'all don't have to be anybody's punching bag.

And seriously, a trip with this kind of ugliness??? Oh. Hell. No. Why? Her paying the bills (if that's the case) doesn't give her carte blanche to walk all over and make everyone miserable. On a trip you can't get away from it, you're all together 24/7. I'd cancel if I could with "maybe some other time." If she gets mad enough about being called on her treatment of you and your family, may be she'll cancel herself.

This whole situation steams me. I'd go away and stay away for a while, but that's me and my thoughts. No way could I sit there and have her needling my child, myself or anyone within earshot. She needs to be a freaking adult and stop being a bully!
« Last Edit: April 20, 2017, 01:28:16 PM by moglow »
“Nothing exposes our true self more than how we treat each other in the home.”  ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

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daughterofbpd

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Re: My BPD and My DD and me
« Reply #10 on: April 20, 2017, 03:39:55 PM »
Regarding the joke your parents played on you, I don’t see how that is funny in the least. They wanted you (their own daughter) to feel an unpleasant emotion? Your reaction was priceless!

Regarding you zoning out, I totally know what you mean because I do it too. I told my therapist and she said that it is a form of self protection and she felt that it was okay to do, unless I had a reason not to. I don’t actually want to zone out because I miss things (like you mentioned). I don’t want to let my mom get away with saying inappropriate things because I wasn’t listening. My DH was upset I didn’t stand up for him at dinner once and I had no recollection of the conversation at all. Sad. Try to pay attention to when you do this and pull yourself out of it (if you too would like to be more aware) – and pay close attention to what your mom is saying that triggers you to zone out. You obviously are uncomfortable with her telling your DD how to be, which is what tells me you might want to set a boundary against it.

In my non-professional opinion, it is time to set a boundary with your mom regarding “disciplining” your DD. As other’s here mention, there’s great info in the Toolbox.

My personal example:
You: Mom, I appreciate your concern but DD’s behavior is my responsibility. I need you to leave any behavioral requests up to me - meaning requests for her to change her eating habits, request for her to put her phone down, requests for  DD to be more “respectful”, etc. My decisions may be different from the way that you would parent, but I am her mother and I need you to respect my decisions, even if you don’t agree with them. DD and I enjoy spending time with you, but if you cannot stop making these behavior demands of her, then we will have to cut our visit short. 

Mom: But…

You: I’m sorry that you are feeling hurt over this, that is not my intention to hurt you. However, this is my decision and it isn’t up for discussion.
End of conversation.
*No back & forth, no JADEing, just leave if she can’t accept your boundary & be nice. You don’t have to argue! (That one was a HUGE relief for me)

You have to follow through with a consequence the next time she does it, though. Personally, I think it is okay to give her a warning the first time but the second time you should leave (or whatever other consequence you think is appropriate). I know it’s hard – last Easter I left before dinner and it felt like the worst thing ever. However, my mom was given several chances to stop raging and she refused so I just had to keep telling myself that it was really her choice, not mine, that ruined dinner.
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Dinah-sore

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Re: My BPD and My DD and me
« Reply #11 on: April 20, 2017, 11:44:49 PM »
Thank you all so much for your replies. I appreciate your thoughts and suggestions so much. I read them this morning. And I don't know why but then I had a bad panic attack----??? And I haven't been able to put into words any thoughts all day. I came home and was so tired and I took a nap.

I had to see my BPDm today. And she was in the "love bombing" phase. Perfect behavior, super kind, positive, attentive. I followed the advice here and medium chilled her. At one point she had an opportunity to apologize to my DD, and I just sat there listening and observing. She apologized for teasing her, she said in the most convincing and affectionate voice, "I would NEVER embarrass you. You can trust me. I will tease you, and that is just what we do. But you need to understand that I would NEVER do anything to embarrass you." I could see my DD's face, she was drawn back in.

I used to get drawn back in too. She would do something like that, Get mad at you if you didn't like it, make you feel bad for upsetting her, then go full cheerleader-- "I am your biggest cheerleader. I will ALWAYS have your back. I would NEVER do anything to hurt you. You can ALWAYS trust me."

I think this is why I used to trust her so much. She has this tone in her voice that is the most convincing sincere sound in the world. She is your rock. She is your safety. She will always be there for you. etc. etc. etc.

But now, I kinda think it might just be some kind of hoovering, in the cycle of abuse. Her way to not only bring you back to her, but also, at the same time to convince you that she is all you have and you NEED her to take care of you and be there for you. She turns the situation into--I am your hero.

Am I explaining it right?

I will have to see her again for the next few days. I am planning med. chill. My DD doesn't have to see her though. I am glad she thinks the issue is resolved, I just need to make sure I set a boundary with M, that she needs to stop picking on DD or else we will have to leave. I can't lay the boundary yet, due to circumstances of events in the near future. But I know that changing my actions will empower me, I won't settle for complaining. I need to use the power and tools I have been given and not act like a helpless victim.

Part of me just wants to move far away!!!  ;D

That checking out you describe shenanigans are happening is s called disassociating.

I looked up disassociating. WOW! That is exactly what I do. This is why I can't remember things, and it feels so weird. I just disconnect from reality. But I started to think of other situations where I have done this ALL MY LIFE. I think this is what sparked my panic attack--just the reality of the fact that my mind needed to protect me from abuse, that my mind disconnects. It kinda made me scared, but at the same time, I guess it is normal. It sucks though, especially since I just realized that her behavior towards me is abusive--my whole life I thought it was normal. So BANG! Reality check.

It is shocking to me the level of awareness I am gaining---like layers are peeling away, like an onion. I am getting to the root of a lot of things. And I have to say that I appreciate each and every one of you. Thank you so much for your support and for your wisdom. I feel like you are my big sisters (and maybe one of you is male--so if you are, you are like a big brother). You have already gone down this path towards healing and you are helping me find my way, in a maze of emotion and apprehension (and straight up fear).
"I had to accept the fact that, look, this is who I am. I have to be who I am, and all of us have a right to be who we are. And whenever we submit our will, because our will is a gift, our will is given to us, whenever we submit our will to someone else's opinion a part of us dies." --Lauryn Hill

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: My BPD and My DD and me
« Reply #12 on: April 21, 2017, 07:44:38 AM »
Ick turning it around - DARVO was something discussed here a while ago and i think it's in the glossary.

It sometimes takes a while to get up ones voice and my voice started out very small, even just saying I wasn't meeting for lunch was a huge deal with major repercussions. Those small steps helped me grow bits at a time and become whole.

On disassociating one thing that worked for me was grounding exercises and meditations. They seemed silly but they worked and with practice and visualisation I would be able to ground myself during uPDm 'episodes' so I could address boundaries picturing those as a protective bubble. I would do the meditations when I wasn't triggered so I knew what grounded felt like on its own. It also helped me feel strong to be able stay in the present moment.

Emotional flashback is real feelings displaced in time so the current abuse flashes you back to childhood and it's important to learn to stay in your adult body in the present moment. Hope that makes sense.

Stay strong! You're on a great path!
each and every contact with a PD person results in damage. Plan accordingly and make time to heal. See Toolbox for tips.

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pizzap66

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Re: My BPD and My DD and me
« Reply #13 on: April 21, 2017, 09:38:55 AM »
Reading about your current situation has just blown me away because I could have written the same thing.  There are so many situations you've described that I've experienced between my DD, my uNBPm, and myself.  I understand completely how you zone out and can't remember things.  It has always amazed me how I end up foggy about the details but my mom will remember everything word for word. It's uncanny, but NOW I think it's just so important for her to stash away and store future ammunition. She has to remember every detail just in case she needs to recall it to twist things around and defend her actions. :stars:

I have JUST learned and realized what I've been dealing with (4 days). I'm so torn in ways because I wish I understood sooner, but on the other hand I'm thankful that I realize what's going on and I can come here for support and learn how to use the different tools. My daughter is feeling badly about a HUGE altercation between her and my mom (I talked about it another post and you gave me some support) and how it's bringing up bad memories for me.  I'm trying to help her understand that it's actually a good thing overall. Knowledge is power, I tell her.  We can now protect ourselves from future shenanigans.

The love bombing and hoovering you're noticing.....YES!  My mom does this.  She recently had a BIG falling out with my niece and since then she tells my daughter that she is now her favorite granddaughter (when my dd is serving her and doing something nice).  Now I see she's triangulating and trying to pit the 2 of them against each other (it hasn't worked so far).  Right now neither granddaughter will talk to her. Go figure  :bigwink:

Anyway, I can't offer a bunch of advice since so much of this is new to me but I just want to tell you I support you!


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Shockwave

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Re: My BPD and My DD and me
« Reply #14 on: April 21, 2017, 10:44:47 AM »
Yup, that's the thing with BPDs: the other shoe is always going to drop. Always. It's the core of the BPD: the abandonment issues, the loneliness and the confirmation that they are unworthy and unlovable. Then they'll do everything to confirm their internal core beliefs. Unfortunately, this means they'll treat you like absolute $#!+ during this time and then when they see the damage they do and you pulling back to protect yourself, the love bombing/hoovering begins. Then the cycle starts anew.
"Because he's the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we'll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he's not a hero. He's a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A Dark Knight."
-- James Gordon, The Dark Knight