Keeping No Record of Wrongs

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Keeping No Record of Wrongs
« on: April 20, 2017, 07:33:00 AM »
I am new to learning that I've been dealing with a uNPDm for all of my life.  I've been having a flood of memories and I think it might be good to write them down and journal about all of this, but I'm struggling with keeping a record of her wrongs.  Do I love my mother? I don't know. I don't think I do. I don't remember having strong feelings of affection for her ever.  If she says she loves me (I don't recall her doing this until after 5 years ago when my dad passed away), I can say it back but I can't initiate it. It feels like a lie and I feel like a fraud.  I've ALWAYS felt so guilty about this aspect of our relationship.  I just chalked it up to us not getting along when I was younger and my feelings are my fault.  My backing off through the years is my fault because I have to protect myself.

She is not a Christian. Does this let me off the hook? I don't hate her. I really don't. I have NO feelings for her at all except "she is my mom and I am her daughter and therefore I will honor her".

So can I begin to keep an actual record of her wrongs?  Am I overthinking this?



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Re: Keeping No Record of Wrongs
« Reply #1 on: April 20, 2017, 01:26:54 PM »
I think you're looking for validation of your hurt and anger. I think that's very different than not forgiving someone who is apologetic and shows repentance.

Think about the old and new testament God. Yahweh and also Jesus. Think about how they show themselves to humanity.

Pharaoh has his first born son killed because he doesn't listen. God isn't going to keep a record of wrongs if we repent and make up for what we've done wrong. THAT is when God wipes the slate clean.

If we don't repent, then the slate doesn't get clean. We have to accept the goodness.

Otherwise, we run into places like Sodom and Gomorrah (not talking about sexuality here) where God eventually blew everything up on people who weren't repenting.

But Jesus - at any mention of sorrow or faith - says right away that your sins are forgiven. Jesus can see the heart.

If the Catholic practice of confession makes you see this more clearly, then take a look. The priest only says the person is absolved when they say what they're sorry for and make a penance. It isn't just granted without going to confession. Does that help? I think we miss out a lot of the fact that reconciliation is not the same thing as forgiveness.

We can forgive, but that's for us. If we want to and are ready. It's not easy to forgive someone who isn't sorry.

It's super easy to forgive (usually) someone who is sorry and repents and tries to make things right.

Or if you believe in a grace only type of redemption, remember that even the thief on the cross next to Jesus ASKED Jesus to remember him.

The woman who cried and used those tears to clean Jesus' feet - she was already showing sorrow at her own wrongdoings.

Bad things we do don't just go away unless we at least ask or show repentance.

I don't think there's anything wrong with looking for validation that someone hurt you, so that you know that you're sane. Sometimes my former therapist would tell me to "use my anger as a shield". How else would I stay angry?

I could return to occasions with my PD MIL who hurts everyone and pretend like things are fine. OR I could protect myself with the knowledge of what she's done and that she will likely never change and protect myself. If I just forget what she did and she's not sorry and hasn't repented, then I am just leaving myself open to more hurt.

You can't forgive a debt without it even being addressed. It doesn't take the hurt away. It sounds like you want validation that you were hurt and that your feelings count. It doesn't sound like you're trying to hurt your mother.

Rest easy. There's nothing wrong with you.



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Re: Keeping No Record of Wrongs
« Reply #2 on: April 20, 2017, 02:44:50 PM »
Thank you DJCleo for responding. I'm pondering all that you've said. I wasn't really thinking about keeping a record of wrongs as something to use against her and to hurt her at some later date. I don't think any of it would really make a difference anyway.  Reading your response has helped me to clear that up in my own mind. I don't expect her to ask for forgiveness or show true repentance because she never has before.  So it makes sense now that it would be ok for me to write about things and journal because really that's just for me - To help me put this new information into perspective because it's really all muddled up in my brain right now.



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Re: Keeping No Record of Wrongs
« Reply #3 on: April 21, 2017, 10:55:50 PM »
it helps me to consider what is the oposite of forgiveness when pondering forgiveness.

holding someone accountable.
the person owes you a debt.
the person deserves to be punished for the wrong doing.

I think that keeping notes for your own logical processing of information and for informational review while you work through your experiences is not the same as keeping account for condeming, punishing, or demanding repayment of what was owed you.

it is quite possible that journaling and analizing will put one on a path to healing wherein forgiveness is more likely.