The establishment of "concepts of guilt and shame" keep her vision alive.I guess what I'm trying to say is, in all this mess, in all this toxic shame, and pain why don't they hit reverse? This is what bewildered and confused me. Do they really not love dh? Do they really not know how to be happy? Can they really not just apologize?I'm not waiting for this to happen. Since I started researching and learning about pd people I do "see them every where". And it still completely baffles, bewilders, shocks me. I get them, pd's but I don't get them at all if that makes sense.
When we stop falling for "But it's your mother/father" the obligation is gone. All they have left is our sense of shame and our misguided belief that we are the guilty party.This was my problem. I was raised by PDs. Upon first meeting NMIL I thought she was the perfect mother. I didn't realize she was just as PD as my own family, she just showed it (and hid it) in different ways.
Excerpt from the link you provided: http://karlamclaren.com/embracing-guilt-and-shame/ Guilt is a factual state, not an emotional one. Youíre either guilty or not guilty. If youíre not guilty, then thereís nothing to be ashamed of. However, if you are guilty, and you want to know what to do about the fact of your guilt, then youíve got to embrace the information shame brings to you. (From pages 198-200 in The Language of Emotions)
What this situation has taught me, is all of us are valuable, no relationship more valuable than the next and all need to be treated with care because at any moment my DH could decide that this relationship is not working, my kids, my FOO, my friends. Now all relationships obviously have different levels of intimacy and require different care, but since they all involve people all of them are a privilege, no one is just dispensable. I'm bewildered that so many take a back seat and stay quiet, we need to help our loved ones deal, I need people to help me deal with life. I do not demand Dh "get over it" or "not feel sad" but I don't let him fall back into the FOG, not even for a second. My in-laws taught me through their blatant abuse of others kindness and openness to relationship and love, that all relationships are privileges not just the ones with titles attached to them, in the end, that's all it is a title "mom, dad, child, grandparent" - no one should be treated like their kindness and respect and love is less of a privilege because my title is daughter in law. This to me is the covert abuse, the way in which they, pd people, permanently try and change our thinking. Don't wait until you mil dies to help your husband cope. Help him face now, help him live his life now. Bewilderment is part of the abuse, I truly believe it keeps use quiet and paraniod and enabling.