Admitting anger at father

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MidnightOwl

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Admitting anger at father
« on: May 14, 2017, 10:28:28 PM »
I have a very deep hatred toward the man who didn't love me the way I needed:


What I needed was for you to show up in my life, in a real way. You were physically present sometimes, but mentally you just weren't there. That, or you couldn't accept my own unique way of seeing things and would just slam me verbally or rag on my for a difference of opinion. You made it unsafe for me to explore my feelings on ANY subject. You physically beat me for no reason under the sun. You were SO volatile and SO impossible to predict. You made it so that I could never verbalize any negative feelings, including sadness over the death of family members. You made me FEAR parts of myself, dissociate and live in denial.

I denied my own needs for love, for belonging, for self exploration, for food, for warmth, for shelter. I spent hours and days away from home at friends houses, at parks, alone or with others. Walking and wandering my town in a lost and dissociated state. I resented those who spoke out about their problems because, according to you, you have no right to be sick or have physical needs like dental work or doctors visits.

I walked home from school on a sprained ankle because you were profoundly absent and unavailable. A cop gave me a ride because he felt sorry for me.

A stranger held an umbrella for me because I was absolutely soaked waiting for the bus because neither you nor mom made sure I had an umbrella or a jacket. Let alone had any thought to give me a ride to school like most kids.

I learned at a very early age to deny that I had any need from you. You are a narcissist and you are a horrible father.

I remember when I was 5 I went to my neighbors house and was SO happy because they seemed so happy to see me and that was a feeling I had never experienced. It was one of the few times I felt a true sense of belonging in my entire life. They moved away and I was devastated.

I remember the dread and guilt that both you uNPDm instilled into me about asking for things. I rarely was bought clothes...in fact I remember my aunt coming by every year to take me clothes shopping...not you. I remember when I turned 13 my bus tickets went from 65 cents to 1.35 and I felt SO terrible. You made me feel that terrible. You forced me to take the bus by myself all the time and still guilted me for getting older and costing more. I never once thought about asking you for a ride anywhere, you trained me so well to expect so little. I took the bus, walked, took the metro in dangerous areas, and bummed rides of friends parents all because you couldn't be bothered to be a father.

You could do no wrong because you trained me from an early age to deny that I had any needs...therefore you could never NOT meet needs that did not exist.

I remembered feeling jealous of friends who would break arms because that'd (theoretically) be an undeniable need. I wanted to break my arm very badly but it never happened. I desperately needed some real attention and that seemed like a way of doing it.

And worst of all, because you are such a profound narcissist, you see nothing wrong with your behavior. You take no responsibility for anything you've ever done. You smile and go around life as though you are this great person but it's so false. It's so fake, there is NO depth to you. You know nothing about me and you don't want to hear it. Like..maybe a few bullet points...but nothing in depth. You know a little about me but you do not know me.

My childhood was a horrible experience. It was profoundly lonely, fearful, empty, lost, and confusing. Any happiness was usually due to very strong denial of needs. I learned to be happy with scraps of love. I learned to be my mothers confidant and she would pour her misery into me with no hesitation. I learned to stay quiet and stop talking. I learned that my FOO was happier without my presence. I learned to rarely be home. I learned to pretend to like doing things when in reality, I knew my job was to be gone most of the time.

I no longer want any contact with you. I am very low contact but I feel awful when I interact with you, it's not worth it. YOU are not worth it.

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Fightsong

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Re: Admitting anger at father
« Reply #1 on: May 15, 2017, 05:38:11 AM »
Midnight Owl, take back your power. Lets take back our power, you are not alone.

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MidnightOwl

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Re: Admitting anger at father
« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2017, 12:51:43 AM »
Fightsong - Thank you. It felt good to write this letter, there's a lot in it that I've never said before. Definitely working on taking back my power and going NC :)