Something clicked in my head today. NO MORE ABUSE!

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Frothed out

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Something clicked in my head today. NO MORE ABUSE!
« on: May 15, 2017, 02:29:41 PM »
I am ready, although i have no script and need one.  I am ready to react to another abuse with "get help or get out'.  I am afraid of the steps after that. I am afraid of the unknown.  I am worried about the quality of life after.  It must be better than having my child witness me being physically abused by my uNPDw. It will be better than uNPDw verbally and mentally abusing the kids with unreachable goals or timelines, and constantly changing rules.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

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coyote

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Re: Something clicked in my head today. NO MORE ABUSE!
« Reply #1 on: May 15, 2017, 03:16:29 PM »
Frothed out,
I'm not sure I understand the question. Are you asking how to tell her you are going to leave; or how to tell her she needs to leave; or how to set a boundary against the abuse?
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

“The only person educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”  Carl Rogers

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Something clicked in my head today. NO MORE ABUSE!
« Reply #2 on: May 15, 2017, 03:27:13 PM »
I am sorry you have such a tough time. Even if you fear the unknown, it hopefully will be different from the known. Change starts with the man in the mirror.

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JollyJazz

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Re: Something clicked in my head today. NO MORE ABUSE!
« Reply #3 on: May 15, 2017, 05:36:55 PM »
Good on you for deciding enough is enough! What you and your children are going through sounds terrible :'(
I know the unknown is feels scary, but its good you have decided that abuse is not going to be part of your future, and I am sure that things are just going to get better as a result.

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kazzak

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Re: Something clicked in my head today. NO MORE ABUSE!
« Reply #4 on: May 15, 2017, 06:37:13 PM »
Hi Frothed Out. I had to get out of a physically abusive relationship with my ex. I ended up with sole custody and parenting. There is no way to know what is on the other side of the ledge, as you take that step. But, ultimately I was left with no other choice but to leave. One healthy parent is better than two unhealthy parents. It was unnerving to me because I had lost my bearings with myself. I had been gaslighted into believing there was much much more wrong with me than there was. I didn't think others would believe me that I was being abused, vs my ex's weapon of false reporting. I knew any contact with my child would be challenged and it was. There were investigations, social services, protection orders, hearings. Let's just say I'm not sure what I'm eating for lunch tomorrow, but trying to figure out what I was stepping into was next to impossible. The only way for myself to move forward was to create healthy boundaries for myself and move forward. Each day putting more into my selfcare than the day before. It all worked out. I hope it does for you too.

Important, don't let your kids see domestic violence and physical abuse as you describe. Here are the emergency resources if you are not already familiar with them. See at: http://outofthefog.website/emergency/.

I believe the more you can read above in the Toolbox & Resources the better it will be sooner. There are a lot of wise words condensed in those sections, that take time to learn through in real life or in the forum discussions.

 Keep us posted. Stay healthy and strong!

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zenagain

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Re: Something clicked in my head today. NO MORE ABUSE!
« Reply #5 on: May 17, 2017, 03:03:55 PM »
I am right there with you Frothed...  Good advice Kazzak - thanks!

I also worry about the emotional abuse my DS12 witnesses used upon me by ucovertNPDw...  and will sometimes model/try out.  It is also kinda like they gang up on me at times - him saying something snarky (hey - 12 years will do this, right) but then looking to her for validation ...

...BUT more shocking (and telling from how he might perceive emotional abuse) is when I also noticed him lash at me me for not standing up to ucovertNPDw when she is going all PD on him for no reason... it took me a while to see and understand why he got mad at me when she got mad at him until that clicked.    Kinda like if he were to say what is going on in his confused mind to me it would be, "hey Pop, why are you letting her do this to me!".... ugh... heartbreaking. 

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Frothed out

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Re: Something clicked in my head today. NO MORE ABUSE!
« Reply #6 on: May 22, 2017, 01:21:34 PM »
Frothed out,
I'm not sure I understand the question. Are you asking how to tell her you are going to leave; or how to tell her she needs to leave; or how to set a boundary against the abuse?

I am interested in setting the boundary, but everything points to the inevitable other two options.  I am guessing I will have to do the leaving, although i prefer to stay in this home I have poured so much into for the last 10 years.

So to answer that question, I may need all three answers.

Froth
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

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Frothed out

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Re: Something clicked in my head today. NO MORE ABUSE!
« Reply #7 on: May 22, 2017, 01:32:15 PM »
Thanks for all the replies.

I tried to address an issue with the children present.  My uNPDw was lecturing the children on how they should not allow their cousins to put trash in the van. My daughter explained the cousin(s) put the trash on the floor to bring later then forgot.  She continued to lecture on proper etiquette for cousin trash throwing.  I finally heard enough and said with medium chill that they are not responsible for their cousins.  uNPDw was argumentative, and of course did not consider my opinion. We exchanged this a few times and both our voices became a bit louder, so she pointed out that I was the aggressor.  Maybe so.  I disagree with the way she is lecturing.  I likely should have waited til later. 

When later came, she said I am disrespectful in front of the kids.  I say with medium chill that when I disagree I am not disrespectful.  we toss this back and forth a few times.  I decide to tell her that shoving me off the chair in front of the kid was disrespectful.  She lets me know without medium chill that if I can't stop disrepecting her that she will have to get a lawyer. At this point i realize I am in a battle I cannot win, I should not have started.  So I head downstairs, and as she is still telling me how horrible I am , I leave the house to go to the shop.  I am sure she eventually noticed I was not there anymore.

I am certain I have a part in this, but it is not all my fault. 

I would love to hear from anyone who can relate, and I welcome opinions that differ from my own.

Thanks for listening,

Froth.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

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Frothed out

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Re: Something clicked in my head today. NO MORE ABUSE!
« Reply #8 on: May 22, 2017, 03:01:18 PM »
Update:

She spent a great deal of time getting a dessert and present ready for the neighbour's birthday.  As she was getting the kids ready to go she saw I was coming.  She thrust the dish in my gut and stormed in the house.  So I got to go with the kids to the neighbours.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

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Frothed out

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Re: Something clicked in my head today. NO MORE ABUSE!
« Reply #9 on: May 23, 2017, 12:30:12 PM »
When I got back from the neighbor's house uNPDw explained how she spent alot of time preparing the gifts for the neighbor and she couldn't believe that I would just take it over there.  She then wanted to talk outside away from the kids, so out I went.  She re-enforced all the negative things she had been saying all this time with a raised voice and told me she didn't think she could do this anymore.  I told her with medium chill that I disagreed with many things she said.  I also told her I feel threatened by her.  I also said I feel bad for my daughter who has been squeezed too hard by her(Overpowering hug during traumatic emotional roller coaster ride). I told her she needs help from a therapist.  She said it's all me.  I said I am seeing a therapist already and I am working on me.  She loudly asks if I told the therapist that i did not get her anything for mothers day.  Then she cries and tells me she doesn't love me anymore and hasn't for a long time. I tell her she is welcome to come to therapy with me to explain to the therapist everything that is wrong with me. 

We'll see what happens tomorrow.  I will likely be removing my ring from my finger by the end of Wednesday if she can't show some ownership of this problem, and agree to counseling about her problem.  I anticipate that we will never get that far in conversation.

Froth.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

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Frothed out

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Re: Something clicked in my head today. NO MORE ABUSE!
« Reply #10 on: May 31, 2017, 09:31:43 PM »
Update

She tells me today that she is seeing a Councillor.  She asked me to write down the things I want her to deal with so she can bring it back to the Councillor.  I am intimidated by writing down all the covertNPD traits.......

But it is what I should do right?

there is alot of things she will not want to read.....

froth

 
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

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kazzak

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Re: Something clicked in my head today. NO MORE ABUSE!
« Reply #11 on: May 31, 2017, 10:44:44 PM »
I wouldn't do it. If your wife is physically abusive to you in front of your children and needs an explanation, then it is not your role to tell the counselor and her. I found any counseling I engaged in with my ex was counterproductive. It was just another venue for the abuse to play out, while they denied the issues and blamed me. It doesn't sound safe, and therapy should be safe ... even in the limited role you describe ... for all involved including you. Don't throw that away for yourself.

Don't JADE: http://outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/jade-dont-justify-argue-defend-explain

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Frothed out

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Re: Something clicked in my head today. NO MORE ABUSE!
« Reply #12 on: June 01, 2017, 06:26:39 AM »
I hear you kazzak,

I am at the edge of separation right now, and this is the first evidence of here attempting to look inward.  I was planning to list all the traits by their formal name, rather than provide examples of what has happened in the past.  I wondered if I could start each sentence down the page so it would look like this:

C
O
V
E
R
T
N
A
R
C
I
S
S
I
S
T

Since I actually want her to be helped and re-parented if possible.  I don't think you can help a narcissist by telling them they are one. She needs empathetic confrontation, and I don't think I have what it takes to do that.  I figure that either she will accept this and begin a long journey of working on it(which I could support), or flip the other way, which I have been preparing for. For my kids I need to try to help her.  I think it will do good for them to see that problems can be solved with patience and careful consideration rather than abuse.

I have not given her anything yet. I would like to hand it to her just before she goes for counseling.

Froth.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

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kazzak

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Re: Something clicked in my head today. NO MORE ABUSE!
« Reply #13 on: June 01, 2017, 08:32:26 AM »
For my kids I need to try to help her.  I think it will do good for them to see that problems can be solved with patience and careful consideration rather than abuse.

Your kids have already witnessed domestic violence and physical abuse. They are learning all along.

While that would be good, my experience is that you are dealing with someone who has a disorder. It can be counterproductive, in particular you allowing the kids to see domestic violence and physical abuse. Does your theory hold water if your approach doesn't work? Odds are against that it will. And that is not in the childs best interest.

Be careful, your kids seeing domestic violence and physical abuse can come against you later. Big time, even if you were the one being abused. It's illegal, against the law, where I come from.

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SonofThunder

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Re: Something clicked in my head today. NO MORE ABUSE!
« Reply #14 on: June 01, 2017, 08:42:34 AM »
Physical abuse (the very first time) is an immediate marriage ender for me.  Protect your children and make the necessary leap.  Sure its hard, but you must put the childrens safety first and that also means keeping YOU and them safe.  Same reason the airlines tell you to put your O2 mask on first... A disabled parent is no help to a child in need.  You can explain to the kids later why you took rescuing action to protect yourself and ultimately them. 
« Last Edit: June 01, 2017, 08:45:02 AM by SonofThunder »
Proverbs 21:9 
Better to live alone in a tumbledown shack than share a mansion with a nagging spouse.

Proverbs 17:1
A meal of bread and water in contented peace is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels.