Something clicked in my head today. NO MORE ABUSE!

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Frothed out

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Something clicked in my head today. NO MORE ABUSE!
« on: May 15, 2017, 02:29:41 PM »
I am ready, although i have no script and need one.  I am ready to react to another abuse with "get help or get out'.  I am afraid of the steps after that. I am afraid of the unknown.  I am worried about the quality of life after.  It must be better than having my child witness me being physically abused by my uNPDw. It will be better than uNPDw verbally and mentally abusing the kids with unreachable goals or timelines, and constantly changing rules.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

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coyote

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Re: Something clicked in my head today. NO MORE ABUSE!
« Reply #1 on: May 15, 2017, 03:16:29 PM »
Frothed out,
I'm not sure I understand the question. Are you asking how to tell her you are going to leave; or how to tell her she needs to leave; or how to set a boundary against the abuse?
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

“The only person educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”  Carl Rogers

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Something clicked in my head today. NO MORE ABUSE!
« Reply #2 on: May 15, 2017, 03:27:13 PM »
I am sorry you have such a tough time. Even if you fear the unknown, it hopefully will be different from the known. Change starts with the man in the mirror.

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JollyJazz

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Re: Something clicked in my head today. NO MORE ABUSE!
« Reply #3 on: May 15, 2017, 05:36:55 PM »
Good on you for deciding enough is enough! What you and your children are going through sounds terrible :'(
I know the unknown is feels scary, but its good you have decided that abuse is not going to be part of your future, and I am sure that things are just going to get better as a result.

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kazzak

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Re: Something clicked in my head today. NO MORE ABUSE!
« Reply #4 on: May 15, 2017, 06:37:13 PM »
Hi Frothed Out. I had to get out of a physically abusive relationship with my ex. I ended up with sole custody and parenting. There is no way to know what is on the other side of the ledge, as you take that step. But, ultimately I was left with no other choice but to leave. One healthy parent is better than two unhealthy parents. It was unnerving to me because I had lost my bearings with myself. I had been gaslighted into believing there was much much more wrong with me than there was. I didn't think others would believe me that I was being abused, vs my ex's weapon of false reporting. I knew any contact with my child would be challenged and it was. There were investigations, social services, protection orders, hearings. Let's just say I'm not sure what I'm eating for lunch tomorrow, but trying to figure out what I was stepping into was next to impossible. The only way for myself to move forward was to create healthy boundaries for myself and move forward. Each day putting more into my selfcare than the day before. It all worked out. I hope it does for you too.

Important, don't let your kids see domestic violence and physical abuse as you describe. Here are the emergency resources if you are not already familiar with them. See at: http://outofthefog.website/emergency/.

I believe the more you can read above in the Toolbox & Resources the better it will be sooner. There are a lot of wise words condensed in those sections, that take time to learn through in real life or in the forum discussions.

 Keep us posted. Stay healthy and strong!

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zenagain

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Re: Something clicked in my head today. NO MORE ABUSE!
« Reply #5 on: May 17, 2017, 03:03:55 PM »
I am right there with you Frothed...  Good advice Kazzak - thanks!

I also worry about the emotional abuse my DS12 witnesses used upon me by ucovertNPDw...  and will sometimes model/try out.  It is also kinda like they gang up on me at times - him saying something snarky (hey - 12 years will do this, right) but then looking to her for validation ...

...BUT more shocking (and telling from how he might perceive emotional abuse) is when I also noticed him lash at me me for not standing up to ucovertNPDw when she is going all PD on him for no reason... it took me a while to see and understand why he got mad at me when she got mad at him until that clicked.    Kinda like if he were to say what is going on in his confused mind to me it would be, "hey Pop, why are you letting her do this to me!".... ugh... heartbreaking. 

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Frothed out

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Re: Something clicked in my head today. NO MORE ABUSE!
« Reply #6 on: May 22, 2017, 01:21:34 PM »
Frothed out,
I'm not sure I understand the question. Are you asking how to tell her you are going to leave; or how to tell her she needs to leave; or how to set a boundary against the abuse?

I am interested in setting the boundary, but everything points to the inevitable other two options.  I am guessing I will have to do the leaving, although i prefer to stay in this home I have poured so much into for the last 10 years.

So to answer that question, I may need all three answers.

Froth
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

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Frothed out

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Re: Something clicked in my head today. NO MORE ABUSE!
« Reply #7 on: May 22, 2017, 01:32:15 PM »
Thanks for all the replies.

I tried to address an issue with the children present.  My uNPDw was lecturing the children on how they should not allow their cousins to put trash in the van. My daughter explained the cousin(s) put the trash on the floor to bring later then forgot.  She continued to lecture on proper etiquette for cousin trash throwing.  I finally heard enough and said with medium chill that they are not responsible for their cousins.  uNPDw was argumentative, and of course did not consider my opinion. We exchanged this a few times and both our voices became a bit louder, so she pointed out that I was the aggressor.  Maybe so.  I disagree with the way she is lecturing.  I likely should have waited til later. 

When later came, she said I am disrespectful in front of the kids.  I say with medium chill that when I disagree I am not disrespectful.  we toss this back and forth a few times.  I decide to tell her that shoving me off the chair in front of the kid was disrespectful.  She lets me know without medium chill that if I can't stop disrepecting her that she will have to get a lawyer. At this point i realize I am in a battle I cannot win, I should not have started.  So I head downstairs, and as she is still telling me how horrible I am , I leave the house to go to the shop.  I am sure she eventually noticed I was not there anymore.

I am certain I have a part in this, but it is not all my fault. 

I would love to hear from anyone who can relate, and I welcome opinions that differ from my own.

Thanks for listening,

Froth.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

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Frothed out

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Re: Something clicked in my head today. NO MORE ABUSE!
« Reply #8 on: May 22, 2017, 03:01:18 PM »
Update:

She spent a great deal of time getting a dessert and present ready for the neighbour's birthday.  As she was getting the kids ready to go she saw I was coming.  She thrust the dish in my gut and stormed in the house.  So I got to go with the kids to the neighbours.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

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Frothed out

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Re: Something clicked in my head today. NO MORE ABUSE!
« Reply #9 on: May 23, 2017, 12:30:12 PM »
When I got back from the neighbor's house uNPDw explained how she spent alot of time preparing the gifts for the neighbor and she couldn't believe that I would just take it over there.  She then wanted to talk outside away from the kids, so out I went.  She re-enforced all the negative things she had been saying all this time with a raised voice and told me she didn't think she could do this anymore.  I told her with medium chill that I disagreed with many things she said.  I also told her I feel threatened by her.  I also said I feel bad for my daughter who has been squeezed too hard by her(Overpowering hug during traumatic emotional roller coaster ride). I told her she needs help from a therapist.  She said it's all me.  I said I am seeing a therapist already and I am working on me.  She loudly asks if I told the therapist that i did not get her anything for mothers day.  Then she cries and tells me she doesn't love me anymore and hasn't for a long time. I tell her she is welcome to come to therapy with me to explain to the therapist everything that is wrong with me. 

We'll see what happens tomorrow.  I will likely be removing my ring from my finger by the end of Wednesday if she can't show some ownership of this problem, and agree to counseling about her problem.  I anticipate that we will never get that far in conversation.

Froth.
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.