Same Stuff Different Day

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guitarman

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Same Stuff Different Day
« on: May 15, 2017, 06:53:37 PM »
Hi all

Just venting.

My uBPD/uNPD sister is in a crisis again. She was terrible on Sunday. All the S words i.e. sobbing, screaming, shouting, swearing and suicidal.

She's after more money. I'm in the UK. She's had thousands and thousands of pounds to pay her rent. She even wanted money for food.

I didn't give her any money.

She said that if she didn't get her rent paid this week she'll have to live with me. She's got nowhere else to go.

I've had enough. I'm exhausted with it all. She pushes all my buttons.

I dread her calls and visits. There's always a crisis.

I could go on and on. Nothing changes.

Best wishes

guitarman
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

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Summer Sun

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Re: Same Stuff Different Day
« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2017, 09:08:13 AM »
Guitar man, I am sorry for your continued pain from exposure to your sisters behaviours.  You sound understandably worn down.  I admire your patience, compassion and stamina.

Good you did not give further funds to enable her.  Have you other boundaries with her?  Have you agreed she will move in with you?  Are you able to refer her to a shelter? 

Wishing you peace.

Summer Sun
"The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference" - Elie Wiesel

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blacksheep7

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Re: Same Stuff Different Day
« Reply #2 on: May 16, 2017, 12:34:06 PM »
Guitarmand,

Sorry you have to go through this, so exhausting indeed.

I don't know your/her story.  Does she work?   If not, yes a shelter would be good if not social security if she is not stable mentally.

Wishing you peace.
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

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MLR

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Re: Same Stuff Different Day
« Reply #3 on: May 17, 2017, 01:27:32 PM »
You don't have to take her in if she is evicted.  She is an adult, just like you.   If she shows up DO NOT let her in.  Do not open the door.  If you do she will probably force her way in.

Her inability to manage her life and her finances is not your problem.

Please keep us posted on how you are doing.

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guitarman

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Re: Same Stuff Different Day
« Reply #4 on: May 17, 2017, 11:11:56 PM »
Thanks for your replies.

I've not heard any more from my sister.

I've got a mental health carers group to go to this evening if I can get to it. I've been going for years and I have other support.

I hate this feeling of powerlessness. I hate the adrenaline rush the fight or flight mode kicking in. She can be so abusive and yet so kind and loving at other times when she's calm and rational, when she has money.

Others just don't understand what we go through here. The scars are deep and well hidden.

I could go on and on...

Thanks.

Best wishes

guitarman

"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

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betta fish

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Re: Same Stuff Different Day
« Reply #5 on: May 19, 2017, 08:25:42 AM »
I hate this feeling of powerlessness.

Hello guitarman,

Please remove the above phrase from your vocabulary.  You do have power. Although I agree it is very upsetting and difficult when a PD tries to put all their problems on you. You have the power to call 911 when your sister threatens suicide, you have the power to block her calls, you have the power to say NO....  Is it difficult to see anyone, being left homeless, because they refuse to take care of their finances. Of course it is hard, it still is not on you to fix her.  You can be supportive without being financially taken advantage of.
“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.”
― Maya Angelou

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guitarman

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Re: Same Stuff Different Day
« Reply #6 on: May 23, 2017, 06:51:58 AM »
Thanks betta fish.

I'm feeling better today. It takes time to feel relaxed again after an incident. I don't ever really relax.

I realise that I have choices. Doing nothing is still a choice.

I can't change my sister.

I've not taken her recent calls to me. I heard she's sent abusive emails and texts to other members of my family and tried to call them as well.

When she visits me eventually she'll want to know what I've been saying about her to other family members and what they are saying about her.

Having a calm day living in the moment.

Best wishes

guitarman
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

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guitarman

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Re: Same Stuff Different Day
« Reply #7 on: June 08, 2017, 08:01:09 AM »
My uBPD/uNPD sister sent me 4 texts yesterday. One of them said that she was having to use a food bank as she has no money.

That really pushes all my buttons thinking how she is having to cope.

She needs money for extensive dentistry work as well. I didn't take her call.

It never ends.

Hopefully she'll reach out to other people and agencies who will help her. She needs so much help.

She says that she can't work due to her lung condition.

I just hope she doesn't visit. She'll want to stay. Panic, panic, panic.

A crisis brings back all the worst times that we've had with her. When she becomes suicidal.

Trying to stay calm.

Best wishes

guitarman
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

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guitarman

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Re: Same Stuff Different Day
« Reply #8 on: June 14, 2017, 03:42:02 PM »
My uBPD/uNPD sister texted me today. She says she has pneumonia and is coughing up blood.

She said that if she dies at least she has tried to heal the family and reached out.

She said that she has to go to food banks to survive.

She rang me but I didn't take her call. I usually do and listen to all her problems and talk to her kindly and calmly.

I'm just so fed up with her.

I've got my own physical and mental  health problems to cope with.

Now I feel guilty even for eating.

Best wishes

guitarman
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

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goodgirl

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Re: Same Stuff Different Day
« Reply #9 on: June 15, 2017, 08:22:52 AM »
Quote
Now I feel guilty even for eating.

This of course was her goal.  Guitarman, I'm so sorry.  What an awful, awful situation. 

So here is a thing I've learned to internalize in the last couple of years, and it's helped me a lot when my NBro has gone on the attack and made demands of me:  This is quite literally a choice between my/your well-being and my brother's / your sister's.  Our NSiblings, with their rage and entitlement and attacks, are literally insisting on us sacrificing our own well-being for theirs.  That is unreasonable, and we have NO reason to feel guilty for choosing ourselves first.

This doesn't mean we can't feel sad or bad for their predicaments.  If your sister is truly in that bad a situation, that IS sad.  But 1) You are NOT the one and only person who can help her and 2) even if you were, the cost to your own physical and mental health is too high.  And make no mistake, she would happily see you pay that cost and think nothing of it.  No.  Just no.

I have an N cousin (I'm so lucky!)  who has been out of work for years now, and who has gone through a steady stream of friends, sponging off them, living with them until they realize she's happy to take advantage of them forever. You can tell when she's gone too far and been kicked out (again) because she suddenly starts loving on her family on social media (whom she was previously demonizing for their "mistreatment"), pining for her childhood home, and hinting broadly on how she'd like to come home and be with the family she misses soooooo much.  For years, she's also used her many and varied medical conditions (some real, some I suspect invented) as sob stories to garner sympathy and lend urgency to her situation and requests.  And i DO feel bad for her, because her life is unstable, insecure, and at heart unhappy.  But I learned to draw a line.  To help her is to take on HER problems--and they would  take over our lives, I've no doubt, and extracting ourselves from them and her would be a huge difficulty.  So, no.

Anyway, too much rambling from me, perhaps, when the main point is simple: your happiness and well-being is just as important as hers, and you should NOT feel bad for choosing not to sacrifice yours for hers.

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guitarman

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Re: Same Stuff Different Day
« Reply #10 on: June 17, 2017, 05:10:26 AM »
Thanks goodgirl.

You make a lot of sense. I need a reality check from time to time.

I couldn't get to a regular BPD carers group. I miss them all when I can't get there. We all support each other through some very challenging times.

I had a lovely day yesterday. I met up with my uBPD/uNPD sister's daughter. She's nothing like her mother.

Sister has been sending some more awful texts to me. I've not responded.

She texted that I'm never to contact her again and that we are all a terrible family.

It's the same old story. Best friend then worst enemy. Black or white thinking.

Staying calm. Enjoying the wonderful weather here. Living in the moment. Doing Mindfulness meditations.

Living, laughing, loving.

Best wishes

guitarman



"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

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guitarman

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Re: Same Stuff Different Day
« Reply #11 on: June 18, 2017, 05:55:10 PM »
Normal service has been resumed with my sister. She called me at 10.30pm and I stupidly answered. She was in quite a state but talking rationally. She thought that she is going to die from her bad lungs.

I knew that she would be in touch again. It's the same old pattern.

She says she's going to drive herself to A&E as her lungs are so bad. She's coughing up blood.

She spoke on the phone for 20 minutes. I could hear something in her lungs as her voice was a bit husky.

She wants at least two months rent. She's so worried.

She apologised for her recent behaviour but explained that she was desperate. She started crying saying that she's so lonely.

She needs someone to sort out her benefits and rent. I thought she had a social worker.

Sorry just venting. I stayed very calm and spoke quietly to her. I felt like shouting and screaming at her.

She was worried that they might keep her in hospital over night. She was talking so her airway isn't restricted!

She was worried that her car might breakdown on the way there. She was going to call for an ambulance. She's done it before. She has no cash for a taxi.

Oh dear here we go again!

I don't know when this will ever end. I don't suppose it ever will. She'll never change. I'm stupid to think that she ever will.

At least she wasn't screaming and ranting in my face.

Hey ho, another day in turmoil and upset.

Best wishes

guitarman
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

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goodgirl

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Re: Same Stuff Different Day
« Reply #12 on: June 19, 2017, 08:49:36 AM »
Oh Guitarman, I wish I had words of wisdom for how to deal here.  All I have is what I said before, and SO much empathy.  i hope you'll protect yourself, and remember that your well being is JUST as important as hers. 

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guitarman

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Re: Same Stuff Different Day
« Reply #13 on: June 19, 2017, 02:28:54 PM »
Thanks goodgirl.

I had a good day today spent with caring people. I didn't share with them what has been going on.

My sister rang this morning and was pleading for more money.

I'm hoping another member of my family will sort it out but they aren't talking to each other.

My sister is a very clever resourceful person. She is very well qualified and experienced in her chosen field. She just can't seem to run her life without chaos and crisis.

I know she has physical disabilities now as well with her lung condition. It must be awful for her.

I just hope there is someone that will help her in an official capacity either a social worker, mental health professional or doctor.

No one seems to be putting all the pieces of her life together and seeing the bigger picture of how distraught she is and how this impacts the rest of her family.

Maybe she puts on a mask to outsiders and only the family know what she's really like.

I'm trying to stay calm, happy and strong. There are other people in my family who rely on me. I can't crack up.

It's the dreaded fear of what might happen that really gets to me. I've seen it so many times before with my sister eventually feeling suicidal.

I think I've done as much as I can but always think that I could do so much more to help her. She needs long term professional help.

Just me venting again. It helps.

Best wishes

guitarman

"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

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bopper

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Re: Same Stuff Different Day
« Reply #14 on: June 22, 2017, 02:56:23 PM »
I do have two pieces of perspective to reinforce you:

First, someone looking for money will review their options from most convenient to least convenient.  When you're asked by someone in a hard position, it may feel like you're the difference between their chance to succeed and their chance to fail.  But you're really just the next stop on the list...there was an easier one before you and there will be a harder one after you.

Second, there is an  expression that "What appears to be a crisis is often the end of the illusion that things were working."  It's rare that someone is actually in a situation where they were OK before and they'll be OK after, if they can just resolve one immediate issue.
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.