Is anyone else an only child of an elderly PD parent?

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jennsc85

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Re: Is anyone else an only child of an elderly PD parent?
« Reply #30 on: May 19, 2017, 06:16:54 PM »
MLR- I really like your suggestions.

When I was kid my mother turned me into a world class liar. She didn't mean to, but I was so afraid of the backlash I'd get about tiny little things that I'd lie about totally inconsequential things. I don't like to lie, but sometimes I feel like it's the only way to get around things with her.

She texted me just a few moments ago declaring "I sent you two texts over the course of the last few hours and you haven't replied!" (Uh, I know I haven't) "Do you know how rude that is?"

I was going to wait 5 minutes to respond but then she says "I had an appointment for [graphic health issue] today and you didn't even ask about it. Do you realize how cruel you're being? A normal human being would be concerned." Then "ANSWER ME!" Then "Answer me please." Then "On second thought, go to hell."

So... on that note I feel like there's not much to say? I was shaking at the thought of delaying my texts to her, but I'm going to try to not respond to this tonight.

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FromTheSwamp

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Re: Is anyone else an only child of an elderly PD parent?
« Reply #31 on: May 19, 2017, 06:32:16 PM »
"On second thought, go to hell."

I would interpret this as "I am mad, and don't want to talk to you now."

And I would take her at her word, and not respond.

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Is anyone else an only child of an elderly PD parent?
« Reply #32 on: May 20, 2017, 12:39:55 AM »
Hi Jenn,

I'd definitely sit down with a lawyer, sooner than later, to figure out how to disentangle your finances from hers.

I'd make that my number one priority.   :yes:

If you are free of those things, it makes it much easier to block her number - she'll have nothing to hold over your head except threats of police or CPS, which I suspect she uses as *empty threats* to keep you in line.

I just want to address this because it is SO freaking out there that it needs to be said:

Your "mother" threatens you with police because of your prior mental health issues (which you're addressing and managing) - or any time she thinks you're being mean, abandoning her or treating her unfairly.  She bars you from leaving, steals your belongings - and she's the victim.   :stars: :blink: :no_shake:

She threatens you with CPS.  She threatens to report you for elder abuse.

Her thought processes don't line up with reality, which is why they are just WORDS a PD or somebody who has an agenda (or both) says to a child to keep them compliant and to make them feel as unbalanced and shitty as they feel.

Those words level the playing field and keep you paralyzed with fear - which is just what she wants;  adult you still feeling like a helpless child.

But - unless her PD escalates or she starts losing her grip on reality - she won't do it.

I think I can pretty much promise you that. 

Why?

Well, think about it a moment - if you have mental health issues, you shouldn't be caring for her.  If you are suspected of child abuse, what's to stop you from abusing her?  And if you're suspected of elder abuse, you have NO business being anywhere near her.

Any complaint will be unfounded, of course - but now you'll have professionals -  police, CPS or APS - telling you to *stay the hell away from her and have absolutely nothing to do with her if she's making false charges, because it's only going to continue.*

If she makes up lie after lie and you wind up with a criminal record - you'll probably be *legally prohibited from caring for her.*

That's only if her lies aren't so outrageous that you wind up in prison - *physically barred from caring for her.*

A condition of your probation would probably *prohibit or severely curtail any caregiving duties* she expects you to provide.

If she pulls the trigger, so to speak - she loses you for good.

Please realize that - she can't have it both ways. 

If she calls anybody about you - she'll lose her MEAL TICKET and full-time slave!
 

That's why it is SO important to make sure you don't have time to recover, breathe, think, decompress, take time away, think about yourself, FOC and future - and insult you regularly - she wants you to be that scared little girl who lived to make mommy happy.  Don't think - REACT!  React in a way she can turn around and make herself the victim of your ABUSE.   :roll: :sadno:

She can't be made happy.  Ever.  She's a black hole of need - endless and all-consuming.

Your mom's actions, behavior and words, IMO - are nothing less than pure evil.

I could be wrong - but like unBPD Didi - I'm pretty sure she's fully aware of what she's doing - and doesn't think you'll ever find a way to stop her from winding up with her living under your roof and catering to her every need while she spews nothing but a litany of complaints and nonstop venom and bile.

Well, you've found it.   :uhhuh: :sunny: :righton:

The land where we think and discuss and urge each other to BREATHE.   :)

 :hug:

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MLR

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Re: Is anyone else an only child of an elderly PD parent?
« Reply #33 on: May 20, 2017, 06:23:42 AM »
Jenn, You are doing great!  You are probably feeling a lot of anxiety and fear, but you are growing and learning and, most important,  you SEE.  Once you see, you have insight into her motives and her absolutely ridiculous behavior,  you can't unsee it.  You know, and there is no going back once you know.

Please Google "extinction burst".   When you back away and are not instantly available to her, that is what she's going to do. 

To her, you are not a person, you are a vending machine that delivers transportation,  a listening ear, words that agree that her emotions are correct, etc. And, she has deliberately vandalized  the machine so she NEVER has to put in a nickel to get anything, all she has to do is pull the know to get a FREE never ending supply of  whatever she has selected.

Do one day, your mother pulls the knob, and NOTHING HAPPENS.  She is alarmed,  and yanks the knob a couple more times before she gets her treat.  The machine starts acting oddly, she can't be 100% sure she will get her treat.  She has to do more and more actions before she gets ehat she wamts.  That is an extinction burst.  Now most people in that situation would do various things.  They would use another machine, they would go without a treat,  they might eat something from the fridge, they might call a repairman, they might even fix the machine so they would have to pay to get a treat.

Your mother doesn't do that.  She has a machine that gives her free treats and she will do whatever it takes to continue that practice.

You gave to be prepared that she will escalate her behavior and actions when you don't obey instantly.     It is vital when you have set a boundary that you don't give in.   Your mother will have to deal with her emotions when she doesn't get what she wants.  It is ok to hang up the phone or end the visit when she gets mad.

Try to think of it this way-  she can feel however she wants, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE THERE TO WITNESS IT.  You can leave!

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jennsc85

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Re: Is anyone else an only child of an elderly PD parent?
« Reply #34 on: May 20, 2017, 01:22:48 PM »
Woman Interrupted- WOW, your train of thought makes so much sense, yet I had never even thought of it in those terms before. I've honestly thought that being in prison would be easier than being at her beck and call. When I was a teenager and she went on unemployment for several years, I honestly thought that if I didn't have my 18th birthday to look forward to that I would probably kill myself. It's a horrible position to be in to think that way. But I have to remember... I'm not that 15 year old being forced to be around my mother 24/7. I'm not legally bound to her by my age anymore. I feel like I'm a child around her, but I'm not. I have to keep telling myself that- and reminding myself of what you posted- if I'm so mentally ill that she's worried about my well being, then why am I her designated caregiver in her mind? Maybe that can be a potential comeback next time she says something like that to me.

MLR- The vending machine example is absolutely perfect and spot on. That is exactly how I feel. Extinction burst sounds like exactly what is going to happen. I don't see her just ignoring it. Yesterday I didn't text her back at all. I was practically hyperventilating from how nervous I felt about not writing her back. DH said, "So, she hasn't called or texted me. If she was really concerned that you or the kids were in the ER or in a ditch somewhere don't you think she'd text me to see?" Then I thought... if she did send the police our way, I mean, knowing that there's another adult in my life that she could have contacted and didn't? That would be odd, wouldn't it?

She texted me today and said something about my "callous" attitude towards her. "Poor Jenn" she said. Then...THEN! She texts me a couple hours later about something totally fluffy and normal, something relating to my line of work and then added her own funny little commentary to it. I mean, like nothing had happened and like she hadn't texted me last night or this morning. She does this a lot and I seriously don't understand it.

I'll occasionally blow up or something on DH and then an hour later I'm good and normal, but I don't attack his character and attitude in a malicious way. If I did, I'd feel like I had to address that before I moved on to something normal. I truly don't understand that part of my mother.

Then I thought... she has an appointment later in the week that she needs picked up from. THAT'S why she acted nice. I have never refused to take her/pick her up from somewhere. I've had her change the date/time to be more convenient for me but I've never outright told her no. The thought of that really strikes fear into me. I've already told her yes about this one(she asked several weeks ago... DH is coming too so it shouldn't be too bad)

I feel like reneging on the picking her up would be too much for me right now, but I'm making it my next goal that when she has another appointment, that I'll tell her I can't do it. She'll offer to reschedule, and that's what gets me. I don't know to say "NO I won't pick you up from the appointment at 2PM on Thursday OR 5PM on Monday OR midnight on Thanksgiving! You know? I don't know how to get that point across without just outright saying it. Is that how I have to do it?

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MLR

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Re: Is anyone else an only child of an elderly PD parent?
« Reply #35 on: May 20, 2017, 01:53:51 PM »
Jenn, I'm glad you are doing a thing or two regarding your mother, and taking care of yourself.  A lot of it is in your head, thinking and getting used to ideas that seemed impossible a little while ago.  It's going to take some trial and error before you find what works for you, but you WILL get there.

I wanted to point out that your mother, at this time, IS self sufficient and independent.   She has conned you into thinking she MUST have help for ABC, and if you don't help her the world will come to an end. 

Your mother CAN take care of herself, she
Simply refuses to do so.

There are things called ADLs.  Activities of Daily Living.  When someone needs help a visiting nurse or social worker would come to the house and do an evaluation.   I don't have the list in my head, but from what I remember if it your mother does NOT need help.  Look up the list and see how it relates to your mother. Do not show the list to your mother or discuss it with your mother, she will seize upon it and start reworking her life so she can say she needs help.

She doesn't need help getting out of bed, dressing, cooking, feeding herself, using the toilet, bathing, grooming, cleaning the house, laundry, shopping, etc.

Yes she does have a few limitations.   Self imposed limitations.  Transportation and having no one to talk to.  If she needs to get somewhere she could call a cab, get an Uber driver, arrange with someone to carpool and she would chip in for gas, order stuff from amazon, have things delivered,etc.  Having no one to talk to, she could get therapy, work on LISTENING, instead of lecturing and being intolerant.   Go to church, join something,  even walk out the door and talk to someone in her apartment building.

From what you have said, other than the emotional / PD issues, your mother does not need help.

There are LOTS of things she could do, many many alternatives,  she just does not want to do them.  If you broke your leg and were homebound for a couple months,  she would be forced  to do something.  It's much easier to torture you. 

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bopper

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Re: Is anyone else an only child of an elderly PD parent?
« Reply #36 on: May 22, 2017, 01:29:34 PM »
This is so typical of these PD abusers...

They have absolutely NO power over you, but they have trained you to think they do.

I mean really, what can she do? text you to death?

You are at the point that you need to say: "I need to be able to live my life.  My life cannot be living hers with her. Yes she may need help, but that help doesn't have to be me.  I can make sure she has food, shelter and warmth and I have done my duty. I will contact my county's Office on Aging/Elderly and see what services they have to help her. But I don't have to be her personal slave."



I think before you didn't even know you were attached to a rope.  They pulled and you followed.

Now you realize you are holding on.  You notice that when they pull, you seem to follow.

And you ask yourself...do I want to go that way? Is that the best way for me?

Then you started pulling back on your end...and they pulled back harder.

Then the rope got smaller and smaller..merely a thread.

Then you let go.
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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jennsc85

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Re: Is anyone else an only child of an elderly PD parent?
« Reply #37 on: May 23, 2017, 06:48:02 PM »
So, gosh I feel stupid...

My mother wanted us to come over so that she could give my daughter some late birthday presents and a cake. DH was going to meet us over there but he got tied up at work.

My mom is fine at first. No big problems. I feel silly for even worrying about some big debacle. My daughter took a shower before we left to go to mom's house because I knew with the traffic and whatnot we wouldn't get back home til late (I promise this is relevant!) My daughter's hair gets all crazy tangled if I don't put it in a braid while it's still a little damp and sometimes she gets a little whiny over me messing with her hair. It's not a big deal. She whines and then it's over. So at mom's house I'm putting my daughter's hair into a braid and she's whining.

My mom comes in from outside and goes "OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO HER? STOP MESSING WITH HER HAIR! YOU'RE SICK AND TWISTED AND OBSESSIVE AND YOU'RE UPSETTING HER!!"

I didn't take the bait. My mom is wailing about how I've "RUINED!!!!!!" her granddaughter's birthday at her house. Everything is "RUINED!!!!" because of me. I told her that my kids and I would go for a little walk in the hallway of the apartment while she calmed down. She screams my name out the door and then shouts that she can't BELIEVE I would suggest that SHE needs to calm down. Apparently I'M the one who needs to calm down because I'm "ruining" my daughter's life over messing with her hair.

So after like 5 minutes of walking around in the hall I go back in my mom's apartment where she's kicking things around. She demands that I apologize RIGHT NOW!!! I went into another room where my kids wouldn't hear and I told her "You can't demand for someone to apologize to you. I'm not a child." She sputters at me to "QUIT ACTING LIKE ONE!!!!!!"

I tried so so so hard to do medium chill. I didn't yell. I told her I wasn't going to respond to her. I wasn't going to answer her questions that weren't really questions. I told her I did not have to listen to her. She told me she'd be calmed down in 5 minutes and after 5 minutes of her yelling and questioning me (and me trying really hard to hold strong to the medium chill/gray rock) I told her "OK, I guess today isn't a good day. We will come back when we have the time." Then she blocks the door. God, this sent so much panic through me. All my life she blocks the door or block the car... I feel trapped instantly when she does that. I told her that she still wasn't calm and that we wouldn't be sitting here listening to her ranting.

I guess since she saw that I was serious about leaving she decided to stop? She made little comments like "Sorry that MOMMY ruined your birthday honey" and stuff like that but then she acted like nothing had ever happened.

My kids were kind of silent and looked worried while she was yelling but afterwards it was like nothing had happened. They were happy and laughing and talking to my mom and it made me wonder... am I the abnormal one that I was so affected by that? Was that a normal scenario? Was it not a big deal? Was my panicked response totally out of line?

I feel like writing her an email saying that I can't help her with appointments or whatever for the next two weeks and explain what was so wrong with how she acted. From now on I'm waiting til DH is there. She doesn't do this crap in front of him. And here I am sitting here with tears running down my face because I feel so confused. It was like a tornado just passed through and ruined everything and wreaked havoc on me, and then it's gone and I'm expected to just sit down on the flipped over couch with no walls in my house or something. I don't even know what I'm saying.

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VividImagination

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Re: Is anyone else an only child of an elderly PD parent?
« Reply #38 on: May 23, 2017, 07:40:18 PM »
:bighug:  I would do this in person if I could.

No. You are NOT crazy. Your mother is. My mother used to actively seek out excuses such as that to rage at me and cause scenes. It's possible your mother does the same. Blocking you, kicking things, and making inappropriate remarks to your daughter (which were completely stupid, by the way...it was neither her birthday nor ruined, hence her confusion) are completely are intolerable. I would hazard a guess that your children had no reaction because you handled yourself so well...you remained calm (at least outwardly) and didn't allow your mother to bait you with her behavior, which was exactly what she was doing. She got angrier and angrier because she was trying to get a reaction out of you and could not.

New boundaries - one of which you already mentioned...

1. Don't be around her without your DH present. Period. This will not only keep her tantrums and mouth in check, it will also severely limit your interactions with her. She has to go here, here, and here? Nope. She gets one hour between 10 AM and 11 AM Saturday morning to accomplish everything she needs with DH accompanying you. Since you have an obligation to get to at 11, she will be dropped back off at her house then. That is her timetable, and if she doesn't like it she will need to order her groceries (Walmart does this in most places). Doctor and vet appointments? That's really too bad...your work situation has changed and you can no longer take off to play taxi. She can't afford a real taxi? There are many options for senior transportation. She can Google 'senior non emergency medical transportation" plus the name of your town or county and get quite a lot of names.

The fact that she controls herself in front of your DH means one thing: she CAN do so...she just chooses to unleash her venom on you because she knows you will accept it. Stop accepting it. You're already doing wonderfully and made huge strides tonight, which apparently drove your mother up the wall. Her behavior will get worse before it gets better, by the way...I believe someone upthread already mentioned extinction burst.

On a side note...if it were me, any human on the planet who spoke to my young child and told them that their birthday was ruined (true or not) would not be seeing my child again. Her tongue is poison to your child. Do you remember how her words emotionally paralyzed you as a child? Don't allow her to do that to your baby.
There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it. If you cannot accept it, change it. I f you cannot change it, leave it.

Sometimes you're damned if you don't and damned if you do.. so damn well do what's best for you!

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Is anyone else an only child of an elderly PD parent?
« Reply #39 on: May 23, 2017, 10:49:57 PM »
You did WONDERFULLY!   :bighug: :cheer: :cheer: :drinks:

You handled a really tough situation with grace and finesse.  Well done!   8-)

I second everything Vivid said - never, EVER be alone with her.  Always have DH present.

From now on, she'll have to arrange her schedule to what's convenient for you and your DH - and she's got nobody to blame but herself, for being herself.

No, you are NOT crazy.  Your mom is acting like a spoiled child, having a tantrum over *nothing.*

You're doing your DD's hair and she gets a bit whiny.  *That's what kids do.*  They fidget.  They fuss.  They don't want to sit still while you fix their hair.  And in the end, the hair gets done and the child is free to go about her business.   :)

*Your mom* is the one who escalated *nothing* to a great, big unnecessary something.

Your DD probably didn't react and let it go quickly because - well, she knows grandma "gets like that" and she's probably scared shitless of her, but she *saw you handle the situation without getting upset.*

Since you're never going to be alone with her again, this probably isn't an issue, but for the record - if she ever blocks you or you and DD from leaving again, calmly tell her, "Please move or I'm calling the police.  What you're doing is called unlawful imprisonment."

If she laughs or doesn't move, back up so she can't grab your phone, *start filming her and dial 911.*

I don't have a cell phone, so I don't know if you can film and call at the same time, but if you can, GO FOR IT!

If you can't, just call the cops THEN start filming her.

If she makes a move for your phone, calmly remind her, "Do NOT touch me or attempt to take my phone.  That's also illegal."

Keep filming until the cops arrive - even if you're forced into a bathroom to protect yourself from her.

I'm just throwing it out there because PDs like to orchestrate strange situations to get us alone - and we all have moments of forgetfulness or weakness.

I also agree your DD shouldn't be exposed to her - she's already seen and experienced enough, and doesn't need to be put through it any longer.

 :hug:

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jennsc85

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Re: Is anyone else an only child of an elderly PD parent?
« Reply #40 on: May 24, 2017, 05:30:36 AM »
Her tongue is poison to your child. Do you remember how her words emotionally paralyzed you as a child? Don't allow her to do that to your baby.

I was thinking of this last night. The last thing I want is for my daughter (or my son, he's still small right now) to have my mother's words and actions affect them the way that I was affected. I just want so badly to TELL my mother how inappropriate her actions are. I did one time when she pulled something similar in front of my daughter a couple years ago. Her response was that "You're acting like I molested her!! Get a grip! Get help Jenn." I used to take that to heart because she'd say things like that to me when I mentioned things that happened in my childhood... but then I realized... sexual abuse IS a huge deal, but just because I didn't experience THAT and instead experienced more emotional trauma... doesn't mean that I have less of a right to be upset about it.

Thank you so so so much for everything you said. Just being validated that I'm not crazy and my reaction (inwardly) wasn't totally out of line for the situation, means everything to me.

No, you are NOT crazy.  Your mom is acting like a spoiled child, having a tantrum over *nothing.*

You're doing your DD's hair and she gets a bit whiny.  *That's what kids do.*  They fidget.  They fuss.  They don't want to sit still while you fix their hair.  And in the end, the hair gets done and the child is free to go about her business.   :)

*Your mom* is the one who escalated *nothing* to a great, big unnecessary something.

Your DD probably didn't react and let it go quickly because - well, she knows grandma "gets like that" and she's probably scared shitless of her, but she *saw you handle the situation without getting upset.*

Thank you so much for your encouragement and nice words. Having someone tell me that it's NOT me (when that's all my mother has told me all my life) means the absolute world to me.

Things like this happened all through my childhood and it confused me so badly. One little thing went wrong and then there was subsequently a huge rage or fit like this. I felt like I had to fix it when I was a kid because obviously I had done something wrong. I eventually realized that I didn't have to walk on eggshells around anyone else except her.

It was so hard to do medium chill last night when I wanted to just scream at her or at least take the bait and respond to what she was saying. I think the fact that I didn't actually made her more upset. Usually I say something hurtful then she has an excuse to cry and demand a huge show of apology. Inwardly I was shaking and an absolute mess but it DID feel empowering to give her NOTHING except telling her I wasn't responding. She actually said "What is this, you 'won't respond?' is this some new technique? IT'S NOT WORKING. Where did you get that from? Are you telling people how I'M the problem? Huh? ME? Answer me!!!!" I still told her "I don't have to respond to that."

I had never even thought of calling the police about her not letting me leave and also recording it. I'm making it a goal to not be alone with her again, but as you said, in a moment of weakness anything could happen. I'll be more prepared next time.


Is it odd that I feel guilty this morning? I feel like my mother really did want to do something nice for my daughter and it really upset her seeing my daughter upset and whining over me fixing her hair. I feel bad that my mom had all this planned and then something that wasn't a big deal ended up getting her so riled up and upset. I know she probably cried more after we left and she's wondering why she has such an obsessive, sick, uncaring daughter and what she did to deserve that. I didn't get any texts from her last night.

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lkdrymom

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Re: Is anyone else an only child of an elderly PD parent?
« Reply #41 on: May 24, 2017, 05:32:32 AM »
What bothers me about this is that your children saw this as 'normal' behavior for an adult...or at least their grandmother.  It was good that you did lay it all out to her.  I wouldn't put yourself in the position of ever being alone with her again though.

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jennsc85

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Re: Is anyone else an only child of an elderly PD parent?
« Reply #42 on: May 24, 2017, 05:39:00 AM »
What bothers me about this is that your children saw this as 'normal' behavior for an adult...or at least their grandmother.  It was good that you did lay it all out to her.  I wouldn't put yourself in the position of ever being alone with her again though.

You're right-- that bothers me too. They were upset when it first started so it's not like they had no reaction at all. Once my mom calmed down when she realized we were going to leave, my kids acted normal again. They were definitely affected by her tantrum, they just didn't have the aftermath effect that I did.

The plan is to only take her places when DH can be there. I'm going to try very hard to hold strong to this although this morning I'm feeling really guilty for how upset I am still from yesterday.

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junklady

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Re: Is anyone else an only child of an elderly PD parent?
« Reply #43 on: May 24, 2017, 07:20:07 AM »
Good morning Jenn,

I am now the only child to my NF. He is 81, I am 60. My mom and 2 brothers have passed. I think all the stress and verbal abuse killed them. I have never lived close to him.

I have finally gone NC. The verbal abuse is taking a toll on my health. His Dr and mine said to walk away and take care of myself. He is just nasty.

Every time he sees me, he cuts me down. Your fat, you have more wrinkles than me. Your going to die before me, because I know how to take care of myself. He wants to outlive his whole family. How messed up is that.  :stars:

I have POA and pay all of his bills. We go to his house and help him, but it's never enough. I owe him and then he is giving he nothing. Good, I don't want anything. All I want is some peace in my life. Stay away from me.

I feel for you. It is so exhausting when they are rude, controlling and mean. I have tried so hard for so long. I just can't mentally and physically put up with him anymore. It sounds like you are there.

Oh yes, if you walk away you will feel guilt, but trust me, it gets better. I am only 6 weeks into NC, but my family can notice a huge difference already. He has all the answers, he can figure out the rest of his life.

This is a great site. I come here daily for my sanity.

 :bighug:

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daughterofnarcs

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Re: Is anyone else an only child of an elderly PD parent?
« Reply #44 on: May 24, 2017, 08:17:31 AM »
So, gosh I feel stupid...

My mother wanted us to come over so that she could give my daughter some late birthday presents and a cake. DH was going to meet us over there but he got tied up at work.

My mom is fine at first. No big problems. I feel silly for even worrying about some big debacle. My daughter took a shower before we left to go to mom's house because I knew with the traffic and whatnot we wouldn't get back home til late (I promise this is relevant!) My daughter's hair gets all crazy tangled if I don't put it in a braid while it's still a little damp and sometimes she gets a little whiny over me messing with her hair. It's not a big deal. She whines and then it's over. So at mom's house I'm putting my daughter's hair into a braid and she's whining.

My mom comes in from outside and goes "OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO HER? STOP MESSING WITH HER HAIR! YOU'RE SICK AND TWISTED AND OBSESSIVE AND YOU'RE UPSETTING HER!!"

I didn't take the bait. My mom is wailing about how I've "RUINED!!!!!!" her granddaughter's birthday at her house. Everything is "RUINED!!!!" because of me. I told her that my kids and I would go for a little walk in the hallway of the apartment while she calmed down. She screams my name out the door and then shouts that she can't BELIEVE I would suggest that SHE needs to calm down. Apparently I'M the one who needs to calm down because I'm "ruining" my daughter's life over messing with her hair.

So after like 5 minutes of walking around in the hall I go back in my mom's apartment where she's kicking things around. She demands that I apologize RIGHT NOW!!! I went into another room where my kids wouldn't hear and I told her "You can't demand for someone to apologize to you. I'm not a child." She sputters at me to "QUIT ACTING LIKE ONE!!!!!!"

I tried so so so hard to do medium chill. I didn't yell. I told her I wasn't going to respond to her. I wasn't going to answer her questions that weren't really questions. I told her I did not have to listen to her. She told me she'd be calmed down in 5 minutes and after 5 minutes of her yelling and questioning me (and me trying really hard to hold strong to the medium chill/gray rock) I told her "OK, I guess today isn't a good day. We will come back when we have the time." Then she blocks the door. God, this sent so much panic through me. All my life she blocks the door or block the car... I feel trapped instantly when she does that. I told her that she still wasn't calm and that we wouldn't be sitting here listening to her ranting.

I guess since she saw that I was serious about leaving she decided to stop? She made little comments like "Sorry that MOMMY ruined your birthday honey" and stuff like that but then she acted like nothing had ever happened.

My kids were kind of silent and looked worried while she was yelling but afterwards it was like nothing had happened. They were happy and laughing and talking to my mom and it made me wonder... am I the abnormal one that I was so affected by that? Was that a normal scenario? Was it not a big deal? Was my panicked response totally out of line?

I feel like writing her an email saying that I can't help her with appointments or whatever for the next two weeks and explain what was so wrong with how she acted. From now on I'm waiting til DH is there. She doesn't do this crap in front of him. And here I am sitting here with tears running down my face because I feel so confused. It was like a tornado just passed through and ruined everything and wreaked havoc on me, and then it's gone and I'm expected to just sit down on the flipped over couch with no walls in my house or something. I don't even know what I'm saying.

I mean this post with the best of the intentions.

Your kids MUST NOT BE AROUND YOUR MOTHER, NEVER EVER AGAIN.
Your mother abused you and she is doing the same to your children. Do you want your children to suffer the same way you did/are suffering now?

Personally, I would provide her with a list of resources as the last step and go NC.
It is her fault she is alone with no friends.
It is her fault she imposes a lot of constraints on herself (driving)
She does not even appreciate your help! Why are you submitting yourself to a life of torture?
You cannot control your mother, you can only control yourself.
She can live 30 years more and this will only get worse.
She is an adult able to carry on with normal life, she chooses not to do it. Do not let her drag you down with her.

Many years ago, my always dying elder Nfather said he chose my home to live in when my mother died so I could take care of him. I laughed so much that he never mentioned it again.