Are you too patient, too kind, too caring, too flexible?

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Samuel S.

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Are you too patient, too kind, too caring, too flexible?
« on: May 18, 2017, 08:51:09 AM »
Our PDs have problems, and we NONs became involved with them. Then, their true selves came out, only to make us wonder why the H*** did we get involved with them in the first place.

What I am wondering about is if I am too patient, too kind, too caring, too flexible. In turn, my PDwife has seen me as an "easy target". A lot of my family, friends, and students view me this way, although my students know that I am there to be their teacher. So, they don't take advantage of me, because they respect me as I respect them. You can say to act more like a teacher; yet, there is a major difference between being an SO and being a teacher. You want to relax.

So, are you too patient, too kind, too caring, too flexible? Sure, we have boundaries that we can set up which are important, but PDs have a way to break down those boundaries with enough time, enough effort, and perhaps even enough crying to manipulate us.

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Frothed out

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Re: Are you too patient, too kind, too caring, too flexible?
« Reply #1 on: May 18, 2017, 09:37:52 AM »
I find I am also taken advantage of because "I like to fix things"  or "I'm really into that stuff", so I get asked to help everyone with no offers of compensation.  It seems to me to happen at work also.  I used to do as much as possible to help other people.  I have finally been overwhelmed long enough to stop offering.  Now I need to learn to say 'no'  more often.

I seem to be programmed to please, if this is what you are talking  about.

Froth
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

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Kickstart

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Re: Are you too patient, too kind, too caring, too flexible?
« Reply #2 on: May 18, 2017, 11:12:20 AM »
In romantic relationships, I'm naturally submissive. I'm very kind and caring and I want to please. Both PDs and nonPDs romantic partners have taken advantage of this in varying degrees. My eyes have been opened since I left my BPDw. I'm still submissive and I like that part of me but now I'm slower to reveal that side of me and I reserve my submissive behavior for people that actually respect me and my boundaries.

Mutual respect is key between being patient and flexible versus too kind and too flexible.

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Dufresne

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Re: Are you too patient, too kind, too caring, too flexible?
« Reply #3 on: May 18, 2017, 11:32:19 AM »
You pose and interesting question, Samuel. I don't know if I am "too" any of the traits you mention, or if I'm simply more conflict-avoidant. I probably fall somewhere on a spectrum between two extremes. I keep the possibility that I may be some degree of AVPD on the back burner. My uPDw would like to think that I'm the difficult, hard to please, obstructive thief-of-joy in the relationship equation.The author of all of her miseries ... but I digress.

 What I'd like to believe about myself is that I value my relationship with my wife more than I value my own ego - the idea that most things simply aren't important enough to engage in conflict over. Personally, I have a finite amount of energy, and I'd like to save it for enjoyable things if at all possible. Whereas, no issue is too small for a PD expend what seems like boundless energy earmarked for conflict....
"I would rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I'm not."  ~Kurt Cobain

ďIím responsible only for what I say, not what you understand.Ē ~John Wayne

"A man may fail many times, but he isn't a failure until he begins blaming someone else." ~John Burroughs

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Skippyd

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Re: Are you too patient, too kind, too caring, too flexible?
« Reply #4 on: May 18, 2017, 07:18:54 PM »
Yes, I am.  And from what I have read, those are exactly the sort of people that they seek out in relationships.

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tommom

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Re: Are you too patient, too kind, too caring, too flexible?
« Reply #5 on: May 18, 2017, 10:15:08 PM »
Agree with Skippyd. Judith Orloff talks about how the empath (a person who is highly sensitive and who absorbs the feelings of others) tends to attract narcissists. That personality type (empathetic) would by nature be all of those things you describe. So...yeah.
"It is not my job to fix other people; everyone is on their own journey."

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SonofThunder

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Re: Are you too patient, too kind, too caring, too flexible?
« Reply #6 on: May 19, 2017, 05:09:14 PM »
I used to be.  I'm trying now to take a more balanced approach to those good traits and only extend those  I feel are part of my duty as a husband (regardless of whether my wife was a PD or NON), as I have learned that enough is never enough for a PD.  So, I have set boundaries for myself with regard to those and point some of those past PD directed effort/energy toward being kind, caring, flexible etc.. toward myself  and other loved ones. 

It's tough to dial the loving actions back in to a reasonable level and the PD will surely protest, but uphold those boundaries and press on!    :thumbup:
Proverbs 21:9  Better to live alone in a tumbledown shack than share a mansion with a nagging spouse.

Proverbs 27:15-16  A nagging spouse is like the drip, drip, drip of a leaky faucet; You canít turn it off, and you canít get away from it.

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my1wish

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Re: Are you too patient, too kind, too caring, too flexible?
« Reply #7 on: May 20, 2017, 12:50:26 PM »
I am definitely too patient, too kind, too forgiving.  Basically too darned accomodating and a people pleaser.  Im sure that is how i ended up with my uOCPDh......all thatvworks reallybwell for him.  Thats how i ended up un this mess of a marriage.  And he can be supeficially charming, Mr. Wonderful, say alk the right things....until we were married, then the true colors showed up. I tried so hard to understand, be patient and help him. Now ibrealize he doesnt want help. He wants to control me. Wants to have me in his life and apparently it doesnt matter that ges sucking the life out of me.  I honestly dont think hes intentionally doing anything to make me miserable, but hes not intentionally NOT doung it either.  I think it works really well for a pd person to latch on to a kind and caring person.  It just doesnt work out so well forbthe npd half of the equation.
I wish you well and hope things improve.

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Findingmyvoice

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Re: Are you too patient, too kind, too caring, too flexible?
« Reply #8 on: May 25, 2017, 08:14:16 AM »
What I'd like to believe about myself is that I value my relationship with my wife more than I value my own ego - the idea that most things simply aren't important enough to engage in conflict over. Personally, I have a finite amount of energy, and I'd like to save it for enjoyable things if at all possible. Whereas, no issue is too small for a PD expend what seems like boundless energy earmarked for conflict....

I can identify with this.  Seems like I am always avoiding or softening issues to protect my uPDw or to avoid the conflict.
On the other hand she has no problem keeping me up until 3 in the morning harassing me for hours about all of the things I do wrong. 
Of course its not her choice though, she doesn't want this.  I made her do it.  ;)