Are you too patient, too kind, too caring, too flexible?

  • 17 Replies
  • 1030 Views
*

Samuel S.

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 658
Are you too patient, too kind, too caring, too flexible?
« on: May 18, 2017, 08:51:09 AM »
Our PDs have problems, and we NONs became involved with them. Then, their true selves came out, only to make us wonder why the H*** did we get involved with them in the first place.

What I am wondering about is if I am too patient, too kind, too caring, too flexible. In turn, my PDwife has seen me as an "easy target". A lot of my family, friends, and students view me this way, although my students know that I am there to be their teacher. So, they don't take advantage of me, because they respect me as I respect them. You can say to act more like a teacher; yet, there is a major difference between being an SO and being a teacher. You want to relax.

So, are you too patient, too kind, too caring, too flexible? Sure, we have boundaries that we can set up which are important, but PDs have a way to break down those boundaries with enough time, enough effort, and perhaps even enough crying to manipulate us.

*

Frothed out

  • Jr. Member
  • **
  • 86
  • THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!(PD in my relationship)
Re: Are you too patient, too kind, too caring, too flexible?
« Reply #1 on: May 18, 2017, 09:37:52 AM »
I find I am also taken advantage of because "I like to fix things"  or "I'm really into that stuff", so I get asked to help everyone with no offers of compensation.  It seems to me to happen at work also.  I used to do as much as possible to help other people.  I have finally been overwhelmed long enough to stop offering.  Now I need to learn to say 'no'  more often.

I seem to be programmed to please, if this is what you are talking  about.

Froth
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

*

Kickstart

  • New Member
  • *
  • 22
Re: Are you too patient, too kind, too caring, too flexible?
« Reply #2 on: May 18, 2017, 11:12:20 AM »
In romantic relationships, I'm naturally submissive. I'm very kind and caring and I want to please. Both PDs and nonPDs romantic partners have taken advantage of this in varying degrees. My eyes have been opened since I left my BPDw. I'm still submissive and I like that part of me but now I'm slower to reveal that side of me and I reserve my submissive behavior for people that actually respect me and my boundaries.

Mutual respect is key between being patient and flexible versus too kind and too flexible.

*

Dufresne

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 532
Re: Are you too patient, too kind, too caring, too flexible?
« Reply #3 on: May 18, 2017, 11:32:19 AM »
You pose and interesting question, Samuel. I don't know if I am "too" any of the traits you mention, or if I'm simply more conflict-avoidant. I probably fall somewhere on a spectrum between two extremes. I keep the possibility that I may be some degree of AVPD on the back burner. My uPDw would like to think that I'm the difficult, hard to please, obstructive thief-of-joy in the relationship equation.The author of all of her miseries ... but I digress.

 What I'd like to believe about myself is that I value my relationship with my wife more than I value my own ego - the idea that most things simply aren't important enough to engage in conflict over. Personally, I have a finite amount of energy, and I'd like to save it for enjoyable things if at all possible. Whereas, no issue is too small for a PD expend what seems like boundless energy earmarked for conflict....
"I would rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I'm not."  ~Kurt Cobain

Im responsible only for what I say, not what you understand. ~John Wayne

"A man may fail many times, but he isn't a failure until he begins blaming someone else." ~John Burroughs

*

Skippyd

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 506
Re: Are you too patient, too kind, too caring, too flexible?
« Reply #4 on: May 18, 2017, 07:18:54 PM »
Yes, I am.  And from what I have read, those are exactly the sort of people that they seek out in relationships.

*

tommom

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 1215
Re: Are you too patient, too kind, too caring, too flexible?
« Reply #5 on: May 18, 2017, 10:15:08 PM »
Agree with Skippyd. Judith Orloff talks about how the empath (a person who is highly sensitive and who absorbs the feelings of others) tends to attract narcissists. That personality type (empathetic) would by nature be all of those things you describe. So...yeah.
"It is not my job to fix other people; everyone is on their own journey."

*

SonofThunder

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 225
Re: Are you too patient, too kind, too caring, too flexible?
« Reply #6 on: May 19, 2017, 05:09:14 PM »
I used to be.  I'm trying now to take a more balanced approach to those good traits and only extend those  I feel are part of my duty as a husband (regardless of whether my wife was a PD or NON), as I have learned that enough is never enough for a PD.  So, I have set boundaries for myself with regard to those and point some of those past PD directed effort/energy toward being kind, caring, flexible etc.. toward myself  and other loved ones. 

It's tough to dial the loving actions back in to a reasonable level and the PD will surely protest, but uphold those boundaries and press on!    :thumbup:
Proverbs 21:9 
Better to live alone in a tumbledown shack than share a mansion with a nagging spouse.

Proverbs 17:1
A meal of bread and water in contented peace is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels.

*

my1wish

  • New Member
  • *
  • 23
Re: Are you too patient, too kind, too caring, too flexible?
« Reply #7 on: May 20, 2017, 12:50:26 PM »
I am definitely too patient, too kind, too forgiving.  Basically too darned accomodating and a people pleaser.  Im sure that is how i ended up with my uOCPDh......all thatvworks reallybwell for him.  Thats how i ended up un this mess of a marriage.  And he can be supeficially charming, Mr. Wonderful, say alk the right things....until we were married, then the true colors showed up. I tried so hard to understand, be patient and help him. Now ibrealize he doesnt want help. He wants to control me. Wants to have me in his life and apparently it doesnt matter that ges sucking the life out of me.  I honestly dont think hes intentionally doing anything to make me miserable, but hes not intentionally NOT doung it either.  I think it works really well for a pd person to latch on to a kind and caring person.  It just doesnt work out so well forbthe npd half of the equation.
I wish you well and hope things improve.

*

Findingmyvoice

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 162
Re: Are you too patient, too kind, too caring, too flexible?
« Reply #8 on: May 25, 2017, 08:14:16 AM »
What I'd like to believe about myself is that I value my relationship with my wife more than I value my own ego - the idea that most things simply aren't important enough to engage in conflict over. Personally, I have a finite amount of energy, and I'd like to save it for enjoyable things if at all possible. Whereas, no issue is too small for a PD expend what seems like boundless energy earmarked for conflict....

I can identify with this.  Seems like I am always avoiding or softening issues to protect my uPDw or to avoid the conflict.
On the other hand she has no problem keeping me up until 3 in the morning harassing me for hours about all of the things I do wrong. 
Of course its not her choice though, she doesn't want this.  I made her do it.  ;)

*

scaredwithfaith

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 217
Re: Are you too patient, too kind, too caring, too flexible?
« Reply #9 on: June 27, 2017, 06:40:26 AM »
Yes, I believe I am. And the irony is that my PDh accuses me of being demanding and high maintenance.

*

vonmoot

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 167
    • Foolish Mutterings
Re: Are you too patient, too kind, too caring, too flexible?
« Reply #10 on: June 27, 2017, 08:07:52 AM »
I tend to more conflict avoidant than too patient, kind, caring, or flexible.  I feel that my life is too short to deal with all of the trivial stuff she wants to have conflict over.  Drama is a time and soul suck.
"I wish the sky wasn't blue.  I wish water wasn't wet.  I wish I didn't love my wife."
 Joe Hallenbeck
The Last Boy Scout

Re: Are you too patient, too kind, too caring, too flexible?
« Reply #11 on: July 04, 2017, 10:26:09 PM »
For most of my life up until recently, yes. It changed after I had to spend a few months on a GI ward after a near death experience and went NC with a narcissistic ex. It was an environment where I was forced to relax and take care of my own physical & emotional needs first. It was extremely hard, as I had feelings of tremendous guilt. I was so used to putting everyone else's needs (especially my ex's) before my own, and was now being instructed to focus solely on myself. I had to slowly learn what I like and find hobbies for the sake of pure enjoyment. I am learning that what I do for others is only part of what defines me, and that it's okay to put myself first sometimes.

It's weird, but I like it.         

*

delegater

  • New Member
  • *
  • 19
Re: Are you too patient, too kind, too caring, too flexible?
« Reply #12 on: July 05, 2017, 12:47:08 AM »
Oh I dread those long chats "working things out", which are basically long monologues on how much of a bad husband I am, how I never do anything for her, how I love the kids, my job, the kids' school, the dog, etc. more than her, how all she's asking for is (insert list of random things she saw my friends do, or what she saw in a movie, or on TriggerBook (the big social media website). Any response of mine means we have to get a divorce. These chats can go on deep into the night until she runs out of steam and falls into a deep sleep at some random point.

This is despite me putting her needs first for many many years to the point where I don't have any regular hobbies, I don't watch TV, I don't go out, I can't even do essential things like pay bills or do other paperwork. For years I didn't even get to sit down (I kid you not) at home because the list of things I needed to do at night was huge. If I sat down she'd find some task for me to do, or demand I give her attention. I couldn't even show any change of behaviour as a result of being sick without her getting upset about it, but the level of attention she'd get would drop because I needed to rest.

*

Samuel S.

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 658
Re: Are you too patient, too kind, too caring, too flexible?
« Reply #13 on: July 05, 2017, 09:24:46 AM »
Delegater, thank you for sharing what you have with us, and I am so very sorry that you are going through all of that with her! It is very apparent that you are the husband and every role in your family without ever an opportunity for you to breathe and for you to relax!

I empathize with you on the those dreaded, long chats when your PDwife and my PDwife decide to monopolize every word. Then, all you can do is to acknowledge what they say, and they just confirm again what they have said and go on and on and on. UGH! That reminds me of a friend of mine whose husband probably was PD. He would talk until 1 or 2 AM. Then, she had to get up at 6 AM to make breakfast for their kids and teach during the day. Also, one time, she really needed to replace her car, but she was very reliant on him for money. He said no. So, she went to her mother who promptly gave her money, all of the money. She bought the car. He came home and saw the car. When he found out what happened, he told her to return the car, get the money back, and return the money to her mother - all of which she did. It was only after that, that she and her kids literally escaped to a women's shelter, and she is feeling much better, although her kids now adults have emotional issues due to their relationship.

The only reason for bringing her situation up to you is because you mentioned that you need to put your PDwife's needs first which is totally unfair to you. It resulted in you becoming sick, and only then did she somewhat realize how you were being affected by her extreme selfishness! I sincerely do hope and pray that you are taking care of yourself, because you deserve to do so!

My PDwife is very manipulative, abusive, neglectful, and selfish. This is a woman who said for a long time that she was my ideal wife, all of which was brainwashing and heartless. In the meantime, I was and still am the loving guy, always caring, and never manipulative, never abusive, never neglectful, and never selfish. I guess I am just too hopeful that she will change. In fact, I read on a website about abusive people, that they truly do not change. We nonPDs need to accept how they are and take their behaviors, or get the courage to set up boundaries, or get out of the relationship. Courage is the operative word for me, because I don't think I have it, unless she ever strikes me. If that happens, I am out the door in a heart beat forever!

*

delegater

  • New Member
  • *
  • 19
Re: Are you too patient, too kind, too caring, too flexible?
« Reply #14 on: July 06, 2017, 12:32:04 AM »
Thanks Samuel. It is great to have people going through similar things to understand how we feel.

The funny thing about doing all the household duties is that she accuses me of being emotionally abusive, neglecting her needs because I take so long to do the housework while she waits for me to finish!

I've stuck it out because of the kids. At first to ensure I was around to protect them emotionally. Luckily, she changed in the way she handles the kids, apart from a few explosions now and again. Now, it's just to try and give the kids stability in their home life (she always wants to move house, live abroad, travel for months on end, live in a neutral country for when the inevitable war starts).

It will end eventually, and while she threatened violence last year, it didn't eventuate. That is also where I draw the line.