Disinherited and reeling

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Upswing

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Disinherited and reeling
« on: May 18, 2017, 07:15:23 PM »
Wow, I'm almost 50 and just now discovered my mother is a narcissist, that there's a name for it, a pattern, and a "key" to decode the years and years bizarre behavior!  Someone just let me out of the prison I've been in since I was a child... actually I simply turned on the light!  How grateful I am to find you all and an explanation for what used to be incomprehensible!

And what a funny thing that brought me here to this realization and this website:  a Facebook meme that said " 10 Characteristics of a Narcissist."  It listed a bunch of stuff I immediately identified with my mom.  I googled til my googler was sore, and here I am!

Before I even understood there was a personality disorder involved, I knew I had to minimize my interactions, that I just couldn't handle even weekly phone calls.  I had recently moved less than an hour away after living across the country (such bliss) and was now expected to stop by regularly.  I wouldn't visit except when invited.  And I didn't call regularly, even after her diagnosis of a terminal and debilitating disease.

So now my children and I have been informed through a very formal letter that we're out of the will, that I can provide a satisfactory life for my kids and don't need her help after she's gone. We get neither money nor any personal possessions.  And of course after I got the letter there were heart felt communications from me and more knife twisting from her before I realized what I was dealing with (NPD) and that she would never be convinced it was something she shouldn't do.   She has only a month or two left and the only thing I haven't done is to point blank ask her to put me back into the will.  Is that even worth doing?

Ultimately, since now I can dispense with all the FOG, (OMG, yay!)  I am struggling with how to maintain a relationship with my siblings, who are still beneficiaries.  We've always been on good terms, but I wonder what will happen to us if they fail to see the injustice here and "make it right."  I suspect that's asking too much of anyone.

I know being disinherited is extremely common, and that's actually a huge comfort because misery loves company, right?  The hardest part of all of this is how all the good feelings and memories are now poisoned by this disrespect and disowning, and that future relationships are jeopardized as I try to figure out how to navigate this minefield my dear mother has left for her three children.

I'd love to share my realizations of our mother's likely NPD with my siblings but I suspect they'll find it a little too self-serving at this point in time, though they surely would see it is true.  How do I plant the seeds, and when? 

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Menopause Barbie

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Re: Disinherited and reeling
« Reply #1 on: May 18, 2017, 08:40:51 PM »
Welcome, Upswing! I like your writing style. It really does help to be able to find bits of humor amidst our pain. Somehow with these narcs, brutal honesty comes out funny sometimes. I guess because their demands are so blooming ridiculous!!  :stars:

I'm sorry your mom is putting you through the wringer as her final dramatic scene in her lifetime best actress performance.  :dramaqueen: It is unbelievably cruel what she is doing to you and your children now, and also how she is plotting to continue the drama and strife by setting you and your siblings at odds after her death. Only a narc would think this is the right way to say goodbye.

As you have surmised, there are lots of people here who have walked in your shoes. I highly recommend the elderly parents board to meet some fellow recipients of the disinherited punishment. Again, I'm so sorry. I know that, despite your good nature, this hurts.  :kisscheek:

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broken

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Re: Disinherited and reeling
« Reply #2 on: May 18, 2017, 08:40:53 PM »
In my experience, telling the siblings about PDs was a waste of time.  I eventually figured out that 2 of them are NPDs themselves, and the other one is simply in denial. 

As far as the will, I don't know your situation of course.  Perhaps, if your NM is the type of narcissistic that tries to maintain the appearance of perfection in front of outsiders, you may be able to convince her to add you back into the will as leaving you out will surely mean leaving behind a destroyed family.  Or, maybe she will agree to leave your portion to your children, when they reach a certain age.  Do any of your siblings know about this?  The best thing might be having one or more of them ask her to change it.

Most likely, you would only be giving her one last chance to hurt you.    I'm sorry you are dealing with this, it sounds like you are the scapegoat in a very dysfunctional family. 

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TheFragileFox

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Re: Disinherited and reeling
« Reply #3 on: May 18, 2017, 08:44:03 PM »
Great post! Welcome to the forum!  :wave: So glad you were able to have your lightbulb moment! I remember that feeling a few years ago when I realized this for myself about my uBPDm. It's such a relieving feeling to know you're not alone  :grouphug:

I've personally experienced telling my older brother my suspicions of our mother's PD and he completely wrote me off and told me "she's just stressed". I'm not sure if he's in denial or if he truely doesn't believe me. (I believe he also thinks, as you put it, it's too self-serving, and "woe-is-me")
But I think it's circumstantial in terms of how siblings will react to this type of information about their own parent. Everyone's different with how they are able to cope

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Nominuke

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Re: Disinherited and reeling
« Reply #4 on: May 19, 2017, 02:46:05 AM »
Hi, Upswing. I happy that you are Out of the FOG now.

I empathise with your situation having been disinherited myself. In my FOO the issue of inheritance was used as a last resort stick to ensure compliance. I don't know your situation but I wouldn't mind betting your PD is doing the same. Is it really worth jumping through all the hoops and suffering the abuse for money? Even if it were with PDs there's no guarantee that you would inherit anyway.

As for the sibling issue, just from my own experience I found that the family system is so broken when it involves PD parents that when the chips are down they will side with the PD in these issues.

Walk away and mourn for what you never had. Then live your life for yourself and your FOC.

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Blueskies

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Re: Disinherited and reeling
« Reply #5 on: May 19, 2017, 03:03:59 AM »
Not only is she probably trying to hurt you with the disinheritance but N are masters of triangulation and destroying relationships. Do you want to let her break up your whole family? I wouldn't bother talking to your siblings about her PD. It's possible that if you are the only scapegoat, their experience will be different. Maybe just decide whether or not you want relationships with them or not...and if you do then make moves towards consolidating your relatonship.

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SE7

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Re: Disinherited and reeling
« Reply #6 on: May 19, 2017, 09:27:38 AM »
Hi, I'm the scapegoat in my FOO too (also near 50 and only recently realized the NPD abuse syndrome), and I have reason to believe that my golden child sibling will be named the trustee for any inheritance, meaning he will get to manage the inheritance and dole it out to me (like he'll become my 'parent', which is a total nightmare, since he has in the past acted as the flying monkey for my 2 narc. parents). My sibling is recently aware as am I that our parents are both narcs, and he has been used by them too though I bear the brunt. Since he is a golden child he still has a very strong attachment to our narc. mother, which scares me because it makes me think that at any point he can totally turn on me again even though he currently empathizes with me about our situation.

I am struggling very badly too with how to handle matters like this ... I feel distraught over matters that actually aren't much under my control.
They have the money, they have the wills, they have a different role/position than me. I AM THE SCAPEGOAT, and this WON'T change. How much can we actually do? I can make demands that if not met would otherwise embarrass them in front of others, and that's about all I can do.

Not to go off about myself :) ... but just wanted to share you're not alone in having to deal with something like this.

Also: one thing you can do, even if she leaves you out of the will -- hire a lawyer. You may have more legal rights to the estate than you think within a given time frame after her death. It's worth a try. A lot of people assume that the will is everything, but if you are a direct descendant and fight for your portion, you might actually be able to get it legally.
« Last Edit: May 19, 2017, 09:33:07 AM by SE7 »

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daughterofbpd

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Re: Disinherited and reeling
« Reply #7 on: May 19, 2017, 12:23:06 PM »
Welcome, Upswing. I'm glad you found us (but I'm sorry you are in this situation). I agree with everyone here - enlightening your siblings may not go as planned - they may not be so willing to accept the truth, for a variety of reasons. If I was on my deathbed, I don't think that I would be thinking about my last ways to get revenge and hurt my children, but it sounds like that is what your mother is doing. That is too bad that she is wasting her last bit of time being so negative and hurtful. I don't doubt that you deserve the inheritance money for putting up with the abuse all those years. However, I think it is technically your mother's money and she can do with it as she pleases and I'm not sure I'd blame your siblings for upholding her wishes if they don't choose to share (although I do think sharing is the kind-hearted and the right thing to do). I imagine, if your mother was willing to put you back in her will, she probably has quite the set of hoops for you to jump through. I don't think its worth it. I think I'd walk away & keep things light with my siblings, unless/until one of them reached out to me.

I wonder if your mother or siblings are expecting that you are going to help with last minute care, clearing out the estate, funeral preparations, etc. If so, I would kindly excuse myself from any of that. You weren't included in the will, you shouldn't be included in any of the "work." If anyone wants your help (and you want to give it), then you should be paid. That is 100% fair
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego”
~ Amanda Torroni

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NotLost

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Re: Disinherited and reeling
« Reply #8 on: May 19, 2017, 03:17:31 PM »
Hello Upswing!

 I can totally relate to your newfound understanding of the FOG you've been in. Although I had been distant and VLC with Nparents for years, some of it was a geographic thing as there was physical distance. I always knew I was the SG and there was seriously something wrong with my family.

 I finally informed GCsib about all of the things you speak about and was discarded. Absolute refusal to see things as they really are instead of the script still running fifty years later. More detail is included in my post in the NC w/PD parents forum if curiosity gets you. PM me for link if you need.

 I fully expect to be disinherited. I anticipate it. I totally understand the concept of negatives bringing forth negatives, but I'm fortunate in being a very intuitive person and grew to rely on that all along even while thoroughly engulfed in FOG and knowing how uNM and enD operate, I think it's fair to expect it.

 I'm very sorry this is happening to you. Whether or not you choose to share your realizations about Mom with sibs is a really difficult choice. My intuition was completely off in my decision making on that topic. When approaching PDsib with info, I was completely shut down with gaslighting, blame, false accusations and truth was denied. In my situation, it upset the apple cart irrevocably. I foolishly expected a kinder reaction from a person who identifies as a Christian in their belief system. I can NEVER go back to pretending to follow the script ever again and now have freedom I am not yet sure what to do with. I'm okay with that because I get to discover another life free of emotional and spiritual drainers. My PDsib will have to decide if "making things right" is something to be done.

 Ironically enough, if my PDsib had discovered the Facebook post you did or something similar, they probably would have been much more open to investigating it! I guess Facebook is a much less brutal and easily blaming messenger than a loved one!  Maybe a FB meme could be arranged and you wouldn't have to stick your neck out :stars:  sorry, just being silly  :tongue2:

 My folks are nearing their final years, so I suppose I could have continued the game a while longer and hoped for the best, but making it through a life changing illness, the financial disaster that entails with no help and other emotional and physical costs to me as well as FOC relationships, I decided it was too high a price. Should you go ahead, you may experience an allegiance and new found closeness with your siblings. I sincerely hope that the pain of being disinherited will be balanced by some good for you, either that your siblings will rally and support you should you speak with them about your Mom, disinheritance will be reversed somehow, or if not, that you find confidence, relief and freedom in knowing what the problem is with Mom as you come OOTF.

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daughter

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Re: Disinherited and reeling
« Reply #9 on: May 19, 2017, 05:52:49 PM »
My wealthy parents disinherited me, their longstanding and overtly disfavored SG, despite my being the quintessential "good girl/dutiful daughter".  The covert legal action towards "disinheritance" began even while I was still obedient and compliant.  Accidentally disclosed, to my mortified NBM's rage, I remained that "dutiful daughter" for several more years, but my NBM's bad behavior towards me worsened.  (My NF noted I was "emotionally strong enough to endure that (NBM's) cruelty, and that I "owed him", though apparently he "owed" me literally nothing, whether empathy, kindness, or an inheritance.) 

I'm now 5+ years NC, and their disinheritance legal process has continued.  I've received attorney letters. stipulating that I sign documents to forfeit my ownership interest and future claims in my parents' properties, accompanied by directive letters signed by NBM and my only sibling, long blatantly-favored GC "princess" nsis, NBM's BFF mini-me.  So there's no question here that nsis knows that she's The BIG Inheritor.  And no, nsis has no special financial needs; she and her DH are healthy and wealthy themselves - just super-duper enmeshed, "Fairness" is not a word in the lexicon of my FOO Family.  I don't expect nsis to "share" or "be fair"; it would be totally out of character,   

In your described situation, I wouldn't discuss your mother's psychological profile with your siblings, nor mention "narcissism" as an issue.  But I would share that "disinheritance" letter she sent, provide photocopies, to each of your siblings, and bluntly ask them: "I received this strange letter; what do you think is going on here?"  Their reactions (and their non-responses, if such) will be quite telling.
 
« Last Edit: May 19, 2017, 05:57:01 PM by daughter »

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betta fish

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Re: Disinherited and reeling
« Reply #10 on: May 19, 2017, 06:28:52 PM »
Hi and welcome,

I was disinherited not long ago, I guess what I tell myself is that people with a PD will try and create havoc during and after their lifetime.  I guess the goal is for us to feel rejected and hurt by being left out of the will.  I believe the intent is to keep their children triangulated by the unfairness of it all and hopefully leave you with unanswered questions and pain.  Always will MOTHER be part of the relationship between two siblings.  Mom will always be the unwelcome third wheel causing trouble from the grave.

I have decided that I don't care if I don't get a penny.  My BPD mother has taken enough of my energy and time during her living years, she will not get to stay with me after her death.  Today if your mother told you "I will give you your share of the inheritance if you take all the abuse until I die, visit at my convenience and just do everything I want." would you take it?  That is the price to pay for their money, giving them complete control.  Even then you are not sure to inherit. 

Take pleasure from your life, children, friends, family, hobbies... Forget the inheritance and live life happily. This will be the ultimate revenge, as they have tried to find happiness all their lives and never found it.



“Stepping onto a brand-new path is difficult, but not more difficult than remaining in a situation, which is not nurturing to the whole woman.”
― Maya Angelou

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daughter

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Re: Disinherited and reeling
« Reply #11 on: May 20, 2017, 09:22:59 AM »
I'm with Betta Fish's viewpoint: consider "early disinheritance" as an unintentional gift.  It allows you to disengage now, to seek therapy to deal with reality of ingrained FOO Family dysfunctional dynamics, to take that "disappointment" and craft something positive out of it.  Better to know now, then receive a post-mortem "hate-shock" final blow.  It was a blessing in disguise that my parents' secret $1m "gift" to my nsis was unintentionally exposed; I could process how malevolent my NBM (and passive-aggressive NF) could/would be towards me and my own family.  Took me several years to process this intended "knife-in-back" from my parents, and disengage.  I was to be their primary eldercare provider, already did 99% of what was expected of me, so magnitude of their preemptive action was writ large. 
« Last Edit: May 20, 2017, 09:24:36 AM by daughter »

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BabaP2017

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Re: Disinherited and reeling
« Reply #12 on: May 22, 2017, 12:04:42 PM »
Oh Upswing, I don't even know what to write. I'm trailing not far behind you. I have tolerated and suffered for 48 years (today) and recently I shouted enough is enough. Then through a path of miracles I landed on this site like a week ago. The difference is that I'm an only child and the current threat (well the latest one before we stopped speaking) was PDM and PDF were going to get a trustee and " then he would cut me a monthly check and if I needed more for some reason I would have to write an essay to the trustee and then it would be up to the trustee ". Yesterday my PDM called with more attacks about how I've hated them my entire life, especially because she took out a loan and we went to Hawaii when I was 12 and they made me share a room with grandpa. OMFG I reminded her that I started my very first period on that trip and vividly remember lying on the hotel bathroom floor crying from the pain. The gift shop had already closed but in the morning while we were checking out to catch a plane to a different island, my PDM bought me the largest bag of the largest pads available. The gift shop only had clear bags. They made me carry it all the way to and through the airport and it became my carry on. Yesterday I asked my M if I had been rude: no. Had I yelled or thrown a tantrum: no. But yet in our convo yesterday I have hated them my whole life, especially because they made me room with grandpa. Neither are speaking to me unless my PDM feels the need to attack me more. The convo ended when I told her to stop attacking me 3 times. On the 2nd time she yelled that all I was doing was creating drama, the 3rd and last time I said I was hanging up and I did. My current fear comes from the fact that I became disabled 5 years ago. I'm a planner. The trust already pays for some things such as my medical insurance premium. I'm not concerned with rude amount of money or general quality of life but it's been set up that even my house that I bought was put into the trust. If they truly take me off the trust, i could literally become homeless. It's been recommended to me already that i find a good attorney, especial because of the abuse and their PDs. I feel for you so much. And I'm right with you, i wouldn't know how to carry on a relationship with my siblings. I'm sorry I couldn't give advice but hopefully I gave you support and a new friend that gets it. Blessings to you and your children!

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moglow

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Re: Disinherited and reeling
« Reply #13 on: May 22, 2017, 12:58:22 PM »
Quote
I have decided that I don't care if I don't get a penny.  My BPD mother has taken enough of my energy and time during her living years, she will not get to stay with me after her death.  Today if your mother told you "I will give you your share of the inheritance if you take all the abuse until I die, visit at my convenience and just do everything I want." would you take it?  That is the price to pay for their money, giving them complete control.  Even then you are not sure to inherit. 
Take pleasure from your life, children, friends, family, hobbies... Forget the inheritance and live life happily. This will be the ultimate revenge, as they have tried to find happiness all their lives and never found it.


This, right here. Mine is notorious for saying things, making promises, waving letters all over everybody - and the next week claiming it never happened, you're lying or you took it the wrong way. And the week or two after that the cycle begins again, usually with yet another cockimamy excuse and/or promise.

My belief: All the attorney letters are designed to keep you/us in the cycle, to spur some reaction from you, to create drama and questions - and above all, compliance. By taking a step back and away from it all, others will often institute a ploy to drag you back in. As suggest above: Just say no. There may be a dozen more revisions before a final will is filed with the court *after their passing*. And fyi, very often a surviving spouse inherits all when the other passes away - THAT person truly has the option to distribute everything with their own will.

My mother would absolutely play those kind of games, trying to get our attention. Her many requests for a meeting to "talk about her will" have been met with the same every time:  It's yours. Do what you want with it. Really. My reasoning is, she's never "been there" for me in any time of need, I don't have anything resembling a decent relationship now - and not interested in building one, and I've long since learned to rely on myself. What she does/doesn't do, what she leaves others, what she decides - not my circus, not my monkeys. No way will I pander to her or anyone else, hoping to get a piece of the pie. It's not worth it.

As for telling your siblings what you think re: a diagnosis, I wouldn't do that. Unless you're a clinician who's trained and licensed to diagnose, don't. If you were, it's never a good idea to diagnose family anyway. You see what you see, feel what you feel, and your thoughts are yours - don't put that out there as ammunition for others to pooh pooh over. Their reality and their relationship with her is, quite simply, not the same as yours. Telling them you think she has a mental illness may be met with all kinds of reactions, and most of them would do you far more harm than good.

Me, I'd have to let this go, the idea that I can influence others in any way in hopes if monetary gain. I have to live my life and my truth - what others choose to do is theirs.
“Nothing exposes our true self more than how we treat each other in the home.”  ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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moglow

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Re: Disinherited and reeling
« Reply #14 on: May 22, 2017, 01:02:26 PM »
One last thought:  I would not acknowledge that or any other letters - not to parents, sibling, anyone. I might file it away somewhere for future reference but no one would know I had received it. If you had to sign for the letter, obviously they'd know you got it, but that subject would never be open for discussion. Don't give anyone that kind of ammunition, something they can hold over your head. Too many people derive great joy from doing just that.

“Nothing exposes our true self more than how we treat each other in the home.”  ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!