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SonofThunder

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New to Forum
« on: May 19, 2017, 10:02:04 AM »
Howdy folks. New to the forum. Husband of 25 years and committed to loving my wife.  Although my wife has not been medically diagnosed, I am very certain she (and so I) are suffering with the effects of NPD.  I also believe my father has NPD as well.  I recently had a friend whose wife was medically diagnosed with BPD and a divorce and restraining order was needed because of verbal and written threats of harm to him. His oldest daughter was affected so bad by the BPD mom, that she committed suicide at college.  It was the friendship with the husband that educated me on the existence of NPD and BPD.  I have now read a book about understanding the disorders and  stepping out of the 'caretaker' role and I am feeling more equipped to handle and live with and love my spouse.  I am a man of faith and believe that the definition of love is; wanting what is best for another person as 'best' is defined by Christ'.  I do not believe that love equals happiness.  But I do believe that inner peace can be found, even if for short periods, by focusing on love of myself and others through my relationship with Christ and following the principles of John 13:34-35.  If mentions of and principles of faith,  in light of dealing and living with disorders are against forum rules, my apologies, I have not taken the time yet to deeply look at the rules, but will read them over when time permits.  I look forward to exploring, learning and fellowship here.   
« Last Edit: May 19, 2017, 10:03:46 AM by SonofThunder »
Proverbs 21:9 
Better to live alone in a tumbledown shack than share a mansion with a nagging spouse.

Proverbs 17:1
A meal of bread and water in contented peace is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels.

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Menopause Barbie

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Re: New to Forum
« Reply #1 on: May 19, 2017, 10:55:39 AM »
Welcome, SonofThunder, and I admire your convictions. Your spiritual side is an important part of who you are and of what motivates you, and there are no rules against being yourself here!  :wave: There is a board below the main section that is geared towards more spiritual discussion, but your thoughts are welcome elsewhere, too.

I am not surprised that, coming from a background of PD father, you fell in love with a PD woman. It happens to so many of us. We are trained to accept things that would make most people run the other way. Often, we are even ATTRACTED to the PD behaviors because they feel like home to us.

It is good that you are clear with your goals. Many people here are in the same position you describe, and no one on the boards  should pressure you to leave, so you are safe here. What you are looking for are tools to help you navigate your relationship in a way that is safe for you and which, hopefully, keeps the drama and emotional turmoil to a minimum. I would recommend you check out the Chosen Relationships board and also the Committed to Working on It board.

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SonofThunder

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Re: New to Forum
« Reply #2 on: May 19, 2017, 01:16:21 PM »
Welcome, SonofThunder, and I admire your convictions. Your spiritual side is an important part of who you are and of what motivates you, and there are no rules against being yourself here!  :wave: There is a board below the main section that is geared towards more spiritual discussion, but your thoughts are welcome elsewhere, too.

I am not surprised that, coming from a background of PD father, you fell in love with a PD woman. It happens to so many of us. We are trained to accept things that would make most people run the other way. Often, we are even ATTRACTED to the PD behaviors because they feel like home to us.

It is good that you are clear with your goals. Many people here are in the same position you describe, and no one on the boards  should pressure you to leave, so you are safe here. What you are looking for are tools to help you navigate your relationship in a way that is safe for you and which, hopefully, keeps the drama and emotional turmoil to a minimum. I would recommend you check out the Chosen Relationships board and also the Committed to Working on It board.
.  Thank you Menopause Barbie, I will indeed wander over to the Chosen Relationships board and have a look around.  Yes, I agree with what you stated about my choosing a PD spouse, and I have learned to be a good 'caretaker' over my younger years, as I played the middleman negotiator between the tumultuous relationships between my father/brother and father/mother.  I'm certain my learned qualities were perfect for my spouse with my PDw.  Trying to now balance loving myself and properly loving my spouse will certainly be an adventure.   Thanks again for the welcome. 
Proverbs 21:9 
Better to live alone in a tumbledown shack than share a mansion with a nagging spouse.

Proverbs 17:1
A meal of bread and water in contented peace is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels.

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all4peace

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Re: New to Forum
« Reply #3 on: May 19, 2017, 02:33:35 PM »
Welcome, sonofthunder!

Your religious views are welcome here, and there's even a section here called "Religious and Spiritual Discussion." I don't know of any forum rules regarding faith and how we talk about it, but I would recommend reading through "Board Information and Questions" so you know what the guidelines are and can feel fully comfortable.

I will just throw out one suggestion for you--the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend, as it is a christian-based book on boundaries that is very helpful in the beginning stages of our journey Out of the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) that can have clouded our vision for years in relationship with problematic people. As a Christian myself, I genuinely did not understand that I had any right or obligation to protect myself from those who chose to harm me and my family. Boundaries was a good start in beginning to understand how to protect ourselves and our families, while trying to hold onto our values as christians of love, forgiveness, etc.

We look forward to hearing more from you!

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SonofThunder

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Re: New to Forum
« Reply #4 on: May 19, 2017, 04:38:28 PM »
Welcome, sonofthunder!

Your religious views are welcome here, and there's even a section here called "Religious and Spiritual Discussion." I don't know of any forum rules regarding faith and how we talk about it, but I would recommend reading through "Board Information and Questions" so you know what the guidelines are and can feel fully comfortable.

I will just throw out one suggestion for you--the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend, as it is a christian-based book on boundaries that is very helpful in the beginning stages of our journey Out of the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) that can have clouded our vision for years in relationship with problematic people. As a Christian myself, I genuinely did not understand that I had any right or obligation to protect myself from those who chose to harm me and my family. Boundaries was a good start in beginning to understand how to protect ourselves and our families, while trying to hold onto our values as christians of love, forgiveness, etc.

We look forward to hearing more from you!
Thank you all4peace!  I have read that Boundaries book already and like you, it was an eye opener with regard to protecting myself and others by the proper use of boundaries and is a loving thing to put them in place.  Thank you for addressing and sharing about your faith as it is a vital part of my dealing with and loving my uNPD's.   

I have already been utilizing effective boundaries with the two uNPD folks in my life and they have been very effective at protecting myself and my children and frankly, reducing some negative experiences with my uNPD's by avoiding certain things and/or these PD folks learning that past actions/reactions don't generate the same response they did prior and so they become avoided .  Although I must say that my boundaries are very easily 'twisted' by my uNPD's into them claiming themselves as victim and/or falsely accusing me as persecutor, simply because they experience my boundary protection of myself.   

But in my reading on the subject of these PD,s  over the last couple years, have learned a great deal about the techniques these types have learned to employ in twisting themselves out of responsibility/accountability for their actions.  Thank you for pointing out the book. I am continuing to research this subject by reading both book and websites and now interactions with folks on this forum.   
Proverbs 21:9 
Better to live alone in a tumbledown shack than share a mansion with a nagging spouse.

Proverbs 17:1
A meal of bread and water in contented peace is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels.