He's Selling the House - and I am brokenhearted all over again

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ZDandelion

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My BPDstbx posted on FB today that he is looking for a realtor to sell the house we built together (his sister called to let me know, since I have been detoxing from him).  I knew this would happen.  In fact, it has needed to happen.  In fact, it was precisely his refusal to consider this as an option that led to my departure.  When he lost his job, we could no longer afford the house and I had the temerity to tell him that we should consider putting it on the market.  Instead, he raged and threatened me with divorce and, without saying another word to him, I moved out the next day.  In our property settlement agreement, he took all of the debt so that he could keep the house.  He had six months to refinance and get my name off of the mortgage and the deed.  He cashed in his retirement so he could pay the bills.  But then he spent ALL of that money in short order, buying gifts for people and making "generous" donations to various organizations.  Then May came and he didn't pay the mortgage until the very last minute. I knew the gig was up.  Now he is realtor shopping because he absolutely refuses to use the realtor we have used for years, even though she was selected realtor of the year for our metro area! 
And I am truly brokenhearted for so many reasons.  I have been doing so well...really moving on with my life, regaining my sense of self, finding moments of joy and peace.  But I loved that house.  It was warm and beautiful and welcoming to everyone who entered.  It was, in fact, my dream home.  And I really thought we would live there together until one of us died.  And then I could not live there anymore. And someone else will.  I hope that they will love it as I have. 

I also know that this is going to be very hard for him and, while he has brought it on himself, I would not wish this kind of thing on anyone.  And I really hate it that he will go through life believing that I did this to him.  And that is the story he will add to his "Book of Hurts." 

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Ellie307

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Re: He's Selling the House - and I am brokenhearted all over again
« Reply #1 on: May 19, 2017, 05:49:52 PM »
We lose so much when involved with a PD. It's not fair and I feel anger and resentment more than I care to.
I truly hope you find a home you love as much as the one you've lost Z.
"Make it worth the price we pay."
"Nothing changes if nothing changes."
"If there's one good piece of me left, I swear, it's mine and mine alone."

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Liftedfog

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Re: He's Selling the House - and I am brokenhearted all over again
« Reply #2 on: May 19, 2017, 05:52:29 PM »
ZD, I'm so sorry.  I know the heartbreak you speak of.  I'm grieving the loss of our family home right now.   I never had time before to process this loss.  I was in hurry mode to restore it and sell it.  Expdh made the house go to shit. He couldn't take care of it while he lived in it alone.  I had to get a court order to remove him so I could obtain exclusive possession to sell it.  His mental sickness has cost us so dearly. It was the end of our marriage.  The end of our family unit.  The loss  of our family home.  Massive legal debt.    Very heartbreaking.   And I am so freakin bitter that with the current housing crisis I can't afford to buy another for me and my children.     I too loved my home.   I'm more angry that heartbroken!!!    Your feelings are normal..   Some days you will feel stronger than other.   We are grieving a huge loss.   But stay strong.  None of it is your fault.   Big hug to you.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: He's Selling the House - and I am brokenhearted all over again
« Reply #3 on: May 20, 2017, 01:45:19 AM »
I have had to move several times in my life. And every time I moved I felt the loss. When I return to places where I lived once I feel nostalgic for the person I once was and the unrealized hopes and dreams I had then.
With your home you not only loose the house, and rationally you are quite ok with that, you loose the physical manifestation of all the dreams and hopes you had, you loose all the love and work you put in and you have to let go of that former self. Of course you are sad. It is a sad thing to happen to you.
I would not fight the sadness, just accept it and be kind and loving to myself. One can be ok with a decision and still be sad about it at the same time.

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HotCocoa

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Re: He's Selling the House - and I am brokenhearted all over again
« Reply #4 on: May 20, 2017, 04:37:42 AM »
ZD - if he's realtor "shopping" then it sounds like he hasn't put it on the market yet.  There may not be a realtor out there who is sufficient in his eyes.  Do you think he put that information out there to get a rise out of you because he knows how much you loved the home?
Secondly, why is his sister telling you this?  To be a friend and "notify" you?  To get you to contact your ex about it? 
I'm so sorry you're hurting, pd's make messes and chaos.  Don't buy into it. 
Also, as much as you loved your home, just know, there is a new one waiting for you without heartache. 
 :bighug:

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ZDandelion

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Re: He's Selling the House - and I am brokenhearted all over again
« Reply #5 on: May 20, 2017, 08:05:01 AM »
Thanks, everyone, for the words of encouragement.  It is just so sad sometimes, the things we have to watch happen...
HotCocoa, his sister told me because we are still close and she knows that I have been worried about him not paying the mortgage and ruining my credit.  She has gone NC with him as well, after some very hurtful things he has said and done to her family.  In fact, she was offering me love and encouragement.  She even said she hopes that as this brings closure, she hopes I will eventually find someone new who they will welcome into the family!  I truly am blessed and so would my ex be if only he weren't so broken.  Also, I don't think he was trying to get a rise out of me.  He knows I have blocked him.
« Last Edit: May 20, 2017, 08:07:00 AM by ZDandelion »

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Liftedfog

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Re: He's Selling the House - and I am brokenhearted all over again
« Reply #6 on: May 20, 2017, 10:44:18 AM »
 :bighug:   you can over come this hurdle too.   Are all your belongings out of the home?  It truly is a blessing when his own family is supportive.  I found that helped my healng and validated my feelings when my expdhs family called to offer their love and support.    It is nothing but pure sadness when I count all my losses from the broken relationship.  But, like you said, PD is broken.  One day at a time...

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mdana

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Re: He's Selling the House - and I am brokenhearted all over again
« Reply #7 on: May 21, 2017, 12:34:42 PM »
Z...

Yes...so many losses with divorce alone, then from a PD...they seem doubled!

Too bad he is not able to 'see' things clearly because it seems all of this could have been averted.  I used to feel that way regarding my ex ..."if only he could just see that ..."

I agree that he will add this to his 'book of hurts" (against you).  But, that's not the reality.  The reality is, he did this to himself.  My hope for you is that you don't carry HIS pain too.  We each have to bear our own burdens...in order for there to be hope that one day, we will grow.

And it does sound like you are doing well...despite the losses...

Lots of love to you!
M
Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama