Overwhelmed by worry and saddness

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Inconsolable

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Re: Overwhelmed by worry and saddness
« Reply #20 on: July 13, 2017, 03:34:53 PM »
Thank you Adria.

My daughter is older and it seems to be getting worse.  I only contact her when a question needs answering and then I get someone else to do it but she takes that opportunity to spring.  Ive done the running...  The why's, the maybes if we try this or that,  the pleads, the whats wrongs, can I helps, I'm sorry you feel that way, the I didn't mean it like that, the are you oks,  the should we try's, the do you wants, the don't worry loves... 

I'l maintain the space, I have to anyway for my own sanity.  I'm drained and hurting and grieving and I keep spontaneously crying.  I'l try to build up my strength by taking the sound advice I've been given here.




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momnthefog

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Re: Overwhelmed by worry and saddness
« Reply #21 on: July 14, 2017, 07:54:38 AM »
Thank you again everyone.

I am now going to say something that I hope you don't judge me too badly for.  I really dont think I can forgive my daughter.  I really don't.  I sometimes cry for the lovely child she was and my heart aches for her troubles but I still don't  think I can forgive her.  It is wrong I know because, even thinking of it selfishly, I know that not forgiving her may destroy me and for that reason alone I should forgive but I just can't.  I'm seeing it as child cruelty even though I know she thinks she's doing it for good reason and it is her poorly mind.

It's something about children and my not being able to tolerate anything that may cause them any harm I think.  My daughter could tear me apart, bleed me dry, kick me down and I would have eventually come back but I really dont think I can't forgive this.  Maybe if she would once achnowledge the pain she causes.  If she was nice to me once and tried to make amends but she never does..  I always have to get over it myself and start again but every time it chips away at me and our relationship gets weaker and weaker.  I think this is the final straw.

Am I too honest, am I a terrible mum?  I think Im now being self absorbed and  it's not a good thing.  Please bear with me as I go through these emotions.


Inconsolable,

This is one place where you can be honest.  And I hope you will continue to do so.

Forgiveness......ah....it's complicated.  I think I felt much the same at different times.  Sometimes I'm not sure I've really forgiven.  I have two PD adult children.  My daughter (the BPD) is a walk in the part compared to her brother ASPD who molested (I learned about 2  years ago) a younger sibling. 

So, I completely get where you are coming from.  Its been easier for me to "forgive" BPDd as much of her transgressions are against me.  ASPDs, I think I'm still numb to the destruction and pain he brought into our family.  Dealing with the issue of forgiving him is difficult even on a good day.  For the most part I shove that deep down inside.  Even more difficult is to forgive myself for not seeing or realizing what was happening. 

This is truly a difficult journey not just for the parents but the brothers and sisters of PDs. 

momnthefog
"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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momnthefog

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Re: Overwhelmed by worry and saddness
« Reply #22 on: July 14, 2017, 07:55:16 AM »
So anyway, on the upside and my point is, maybe if you can find a way, leave her to herself for awhile just as she pleases.  Don't be so quick to pick up your phone when she calls, let her sit a little bit.  Don't call her, don't stop by, turn the tables.  Don't be desperate like we acted like. Let your daughter become desperate for you instead. It is very difficult to do and takes much self-restraint.  Even after you have a decent or nice phone call, don't be too quick to jump back in.  Let her sit with herself and her child.  She may, like my son, come to realize she needs you after all, and if she gets ugly with you, get off the phone kindly or get in your car and leave.  It took awhile lately with my son, but hmmmm, it seems he is actually taking care of himself and coming back around pleasantly. This is a first. Who knew?


I had a similar experience with BPDd.

Just before Mother's Day she unfriended me on FB.  Not the first time.  Nothing on Mother's Day (I'd sent her a card).  We've exchanged a txt about grand child visiting in a few weeks but she's offered no other contact and I was not going to poke the hornets nest. 

She called last night.  Very chatty.  She's on a high.  She never said sorry, never explained.  I didn't ask.....I just rode the wave.

momnthefog

« Last Edit: July 14, 2017, 07:59:50 AM by momnthefog »
"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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Inconsolable

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Re: Overwhelmed by worry and saddness
« Reply #23 on: July 14, 2017, 02:49:59 PM »
Thank you momnthefog

We have gone away for the weekend.  Trying to get some normality into our lives and escape the pain but there's no escape.  Its come with us and we were both teary  eyed over our evening meal.  We have booked for two nights but are thinking about heading home tomorrow instead.  We just can't do it.

I feel I want to wrap myself in a blanket and curl up in a ball and a hotel isn't the place to do that sonits back to the drawing board for pain relief! 

Someone in here said "long walks".   I will try that.  Maybe being with nature will help.


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Inconsolable

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Re: Overwhelmed by worry and saddness
« Reply #24 on: July 17, 2017, 02:06:30 PM »
I'm all cried out for the day. 

I know that my daughter is using my grand child to hurt me and that I am going under.

I can't do this, I need to be strong and keep myself emotionally safe for whatever the future brings. 

I must let go and let what will be - be.  I can't change it?  It's  just unbelievably hard

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Latchkey

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Re: Overwhelmed by worry and saddness
« Reply #25 on: July 17, 2017, 04:53:02 PM »
Hi Inconsolable,
Yes, preserve your strength for your Grand child. The oxygen mask scenario, of you securing yours first is so important to remember.

 As hard as it is to see now, this is an ongoing pattern with your D and this latest chapter is not the end.

 :bighug:
Latchkey
Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
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There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
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When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

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Inconsolable

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Re: Overwhelmed by worry and saddness
« Reply #26 on: July 19, 2017, 01:00:21 PM »
Thank you latchkey

I figured it out

I was bouncing round the walls trying to piece it together.  Although I knew what she said wasn't true I couldn't get my head round anything.  Last night I got it...

She has heard something, it can't have been much because I haven't said much.  She has run with it.  She hasn't been able to rationalise and has catastrophised.   Having no support group to bring her back to reality she has gone over things time and time again in her head and it has gathers pace.  With that she has changed the circumstances to match her feelings and, as her feeling got worse so did the events she has blown up, made up or imagined.  The snowball effect has taken hold more when she has looked for help with councillors who don't know the family history.   Things they have said or the way they have reacted to her imagined scenario have only made things worse and, because she hasn't the backup of her mental health team It has become so established in her mind and I have become so demonised that she truely believes that I am the cause of everything bad that has every happened to her.

  I feel there is no turning this round.  I am the devil incarnate and worse than that she feels better now that it isn't her with the problem but me.  I (she truely believes) am the one with serious psychiatric problems, she is fine..... 

This is a dangerous situation.  I doubt il ever see my grand daughter again.

I feel the system has let us down.  Why was she left on her own to find her own help from people who were not qualified to understand her mental health issues.