Caught Myself Getting Triggered

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Miss Teri

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Caught Myself Getting Triggered
« on: July 12, 2017, 06:19:30 AM »
A really stupid and small thing set me off last night. As I was headed to bed, I asked DH to show me how to shut down an application on the "smart TV". He said something earlier about it not being shut down properly, not to complain but to point out that when it's not shut down properly the guide doesn't show up right the next time you turn on the TV. So I just wanted a reminder about how to do it. But he brushed me off and said "don't worry about it, it's no big deal." And to him, I'm sure it was no big deal. Plus he was relaxing and in the middle of his own thing and didn't want to interrupt my bed time routine with showing me this trivial thing. But I asserted myself. And it happened in a very ugly way.

I snapped at him and asked him to PLEASE come and show me because I wanted to do it the right way. Again he said it was no big deal, and I said that it was to me and insisted he come show me what to do with the remote. So he did. But he did it really fast, not really showing me the right steps, and I again felt brushed off, like he just didn't want to deal with me. Then I got mad and cursed at him and told him to SHOW me what he was doing, and how it was different from what I tried to do earlier (because I had tried to figure it out on my own and couldn't). Of course he didn't understand where my horrible attitude was coming from. I didn't either. It just erupted so fast. As soon as it was over I apologized and gave him a hug and asked him to forgive me.

With a moment's reflection I knew exactly where it came from. Having been brushed off my whole life by my parents, my interaction with DH triggered something in me that made me feel small, like a child being ignored because mom and dad always have something better or more important to hold their interest. I spent so much of my childhood thinking that things that were a big deal to me weren't important to anybody. And maybe they weren't. But a child doesn't have any context about where she and her feelings and problems fit into the larger family system. She needs someone to teach her that. So when I was repeatedly ignored for years, always being brushed off as if nothing I think or feel or ask for is important, I eventually began to feel invisible. It took a lot for me to eventually assert myself, and it usually looked something like the interaction with DH I described above. To others I'm sure it looked like some ugly tantrum that came out of nowhere. And who wants to deal with that? So I never learned how to properly assert myself about anything that's important to me, and continued to feel invisible throughout most of my adult life. Then I found OOTF, and it all started to make sense.

The last thing in the world I want is to feel like I'm invisible to the people who are most important to me, so I work hard to check in and be present for those relationships. I know I'm not invisible to them. But in real everyday life, priorities over little things clash and I don't always get what I want. I'm an adult, and I can totally handle that in the vast majority of situations. But for some reason that interaction with DH last night set me off - triggered me, even though I KNEW there was no ill intent on his part. Does this ever happen to any of you? How do I catch myself and prevent this from happening with the people I love and who love me most?

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Inurdreams

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Re: Caught Myself Getting Triggered
« Reply #1 on: July 12, 2017, 08:09:37 AM »
I certainly know that feeling of being invisible.  Once as a child I even walked into another room to look into the mirror to make sure I could see myself because obviously no one else could!

I still get triggered from time to very similarly to you.  And my reaction has been similar, as well.

The last time this happened, also a tech-y thing I needed help for, from my DS, I could feel that angst building inside me, but, for some strange reason I caught myself, took a deep breath and talked myself down by telling myself  my DS is not ignoring me, it's no big deal to him so he doesn't see it as a big deal to me.  Just relax.  It is not the end of the world if I don't get help with this at this very second.  And then I did something completely unrelated to what I was asking help for.

I think for me, growing up, I was somehow supposed to know how to do things I had never been taught how to do.  When I did things wrong I was punished, so I tend to obsess over getting things "right."  I know that feeling you are describing.

I also have a very soft voice because my parents would actually punish or humiliate me if they thought I was speaking too loudly.  It feels like I am actually speaking very loudly when I'm not.   Many times I feel like I am being ignored when in fact people just do not hear me.  I used to get triggered by that a lot.  I have to remind myself that if I think I am being ignored it's probably because people just cannot hear me.

I understand you being triggered.  All I can offer is my own experience and how I have started seeing these things and how I am trying to change my reaction.



Peek not through the keyhole lest ye be vexed. - Stephen King


Response to a Flying Monkey:  Apparently you are suffering under the delusion that I give a damn.

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Gromit

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Re: Caught Myself Getting Triggered
« Reply #2 on: July 12, 2017, 08:26:21 AM »
I have found the sister site, Out of the Storm regarding C-PTSD has other people with these triggers.

People just simply tell you that you need to do something different not realising what that does inside, to be found 'in the wrong', the shame! Or how frsutrating it can be to try and grasp what they are showing you when your concentration skills are already compromised by the trigger of 'doing it wrong', and it is easy to them so they do it so quick.

Don't be hard on yourself, at least you apologise. I just keep it all in the become anxious about doing another thing wrong and being found out.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Caught Myself Getting Triggered
« Reply #3 on: July 12, 2017, 12:04:58 PM »
You could try, next time it happens, to deeply immerse yourself in what you are feeling right then. You obviously feel belittled and ignored, that is painful - where can you feel the pain? What happens in your body? What else happens? - and makes you angry - where do you  feel the anger? Where in the  body? What else? Images? Sounds? Smells? - so get interested completely in what happens with you. Focus on yourself. Give yourself a little attention and care. Be interested in a kind and loving way. Instead of acting out and having to apologize, use this  opportunity to give yourself some nurturing.

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Miss Teri

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Re: Caught Myself Getting Triggered
« Reply #4 on: July 13, 2017, 08:11:02 AM »
I think, for me, getting the brush off feels like the other person involved doesn't feel I'm capable or worth the time to acknowledge. Obviously that's not why my husband thinks as we've been happily married for almost 20 years. But I still feel this way in the presence of my parents, even if it's just a phone call. (I'm currently VLC with them.) Belittled is the perfect word to describe it.

I've looked at the OOTS forum. I'm considered C-PTSD before as something I may be dealing with. Some of it is relatable. But I'm really unsure if it applies to my situation. Sometimes I think it does, when my minds goes off to weird places or I get triggered like a couple nights ago.

Inurdreams, your childhood sounds a bit like mine. Expected to just know things or figured them out on your own (because what choice do you have since no one will acknowledge you to show you?). Expected to be quiet all the time.

Notrightinthehead, thanks for the tips. I'm working to be more aware of these angry feelings when they start to arise. I ask myself if the other person in the conversation really intends to belittle me, or if their priorities are just different from mine. I'm not sure why my temper got away from me a couple nights ago. Perhaps it's because it was late and I was acting like a cranky baby. LOL! Self nurturing, at least in the emotional sense, is something I've only recently started. Talking to my inner child when she's about to lose her cool, or giving her a big hug when she needs it, have been very soothing.

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SaltwareS

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Re: Caught Myself Getting Triggered
« Reply #5 on: July 14, 2017, 09:33:36 PM »
My first reading of this I thought I would react the same way too. If it's something he brings up often or more than once, then I would want to correct the way I shut down the device. If he refuses to help correct the problem so that he has something to complain about and hold over you, then I would get annoyed.

But then it's possible he found a work-around and it no longer bothered him that you shut down the tv the way you did. I don't know.

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biggerfish

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Re: Caught Myself Getting Triggered
« Reply #6 on: July 15, 2017, 08:18:27 AM »
Miss Terri, I would have reacted the same way, and for the same reasons. Reading this thread is helping me with this idea that it's unrealistic for me to expect my hubby to "jump to it," explain himself perfectly, or even be in the mood to think or say anything. He might have something else on his mind or he might be tired. After all, he's human, just like me (rolls eyeballs at self).

It's hard to assume you're cherished and cared about. I think I keep looking for evidence of it, which is a lot of pressure for hubby.

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Miss Teri

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Re: Caught Myself Getting Triggered
« Reply #7 on: July 16, 2017, 07:08:17 AM »
My DH is one of the few people in this world who's love and affection I DON'T doubt. Like many of you who come from abuse or neglect, I have a hard time trusting most people to do right by me. But DH is not one of those people. And I blew up at him over something stupid. I'm realistic, and I don't expect him, or anyone for that matter, to just "jump" when I say so. That's why I was so surprised that my attitude shifted so quickly when he said "don't worry about it". He did eventually show me what I asked him to, and it's all good now.

I just remembered the phrase "You need to check yourself before you wreck yourself." LOL! Seriously, that's what this is about. Checking in with myself BEFORE my attitude goes down hill like that. Sometimes just talking it out like this is enough to seal it in my mind to remember to do it.

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Fightsong

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Re: Caught Myself Getting Triggered
« Reply #8 on: July 17, 2017, 03:31:43 AM »
I say well done because you recognised it! 
x amount of time ago you wouldn't have. I am told its a gradual process of realizing  -that gets closer to the trigger event   - realizing days later, to just after, to whilst its happening but you cant stop it, to  its happening - can you stop it?, to predicting the trigger.
And God knows how long it takes, maybe its a lifelong thing, but look at the progress and what you DID recognize when before you would not have even recognized it. 
I dont know how you can make it happen faster though