Tired of the financial merry-go-round post divorce

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Latchkey

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Tired of the financial merry-go-round post divorce
« on: July 14, 2017, 05:19:35 PM »
I am weary of the financial merry-go-round with my exN/ASPDH. For the most part he leaves me alone and pays his support and we get along enough. However, he has played this game over the past year where he has promised money over and above the child support to pay for 1/2 my DS6's afterschool and summer care and then has taken it away. When he offered it a year ago I was suspicious but took the "extra" money rather than taking him to court for the likely extra support I could possibly get since he got a raise. I budgeted my year based on that money. In January the financial extra started to be more erratic. It was coming... but just late.... and then by Feb/ March it had disappeared.

I realize it is just par for the course but it really annoys me that he was supposedly doing so well financially then suddenly he's not.
And it's not just in the child support area-- but also in other areas where he cries poor. We are talking about a payment he was making of $9 a month and the credit card he gave me last month is now being declined. This payment is for a service he wants but is in my name and relates to his business. I had to chase him down just to get the new credit card number and had to send multiple emails. I see this man 3-4 times a week so it's kind of ridiculous I had to send that many emails anyway.

I have had relative financial stability for the past few years and now he keeps pulling it out from under me. I remember he did this during the first year of marriage. We had all the money we wanted and then..... we were broke.

Anyway, I won't take him to court on this small sum of money but it is such a game and I am so tired. He makes 40% more than I make in any given year and I have  sole custody and majority time with DS6. Things could be a lot worse, but today, seeing that $9 a month payment  on the "new card" declined really irked me.
« Last Edit: July 14, 2017, 05:23:06 PM by Latchkey »
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WesternLover

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Re: Tired of the financial merry-go-round post divorce
« Reply #1 on: July 14, 2017, 06:41:07 PM »
Hi LatchKey,

I hear ya. On average I think my son's father makes $100K a year. Back in 2010 I filed for child support and he had his boss pay him under then table for a few months.  He does work in a union and as a contractor so to speak. So he'll can work on a project for any time from 3 days to 3 years. If he doesn't work he doesn't get paid. So I think he  deliberately took some time off as well.  He tried to claim he made $54K in 2009 and as June of 2010 had only made $11K.

It was interesting when I was dating him, he bragged about how he made $600 a day on average. Suddenly though he was broke and his work was slow. I stupidly wound up settling with him out of court for a small amount of money which he paid consistently every month, then sporadically then not at all. So I just filed for support for the first time in 6 years this past May. His lawyer continued the child support hearing until September. This should be interesting.

Anyways, I agree it's very aggravating and  you can't help feeling resentful about these games/behavior.  In your head you're saying "you freaking, lying, cheating, cheapskate!" I keep trying to remind myself that getting mad about this though is like getting mad at the sky for being blue. It's not acceptable of course, but I have to remind myself of the saying "resentment is drinking someone else's poison, waiting for them to die..." You're hurting emotionally and they are not feeling a thing.

Yes, it's not so much about $9, it's about the principle. But since when have PDs been guided by any kind of principles?  :roll:  You can sure vent to me about it anytime though, I hear ya....

BTW - Love this quote: "When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid."  I've never heard that before. I'm a God person, I think it's fantastic, just what I needed to hear right now.
« Last Edit: July 14, 2017, 06:44:01 PM by WesternLover »

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Latchkey

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Re: Tired of the financial merry-go-round post divorce
« Reply #2 on: July 14, 2017, 06:59:29 PM »
Oh thanks for listening. I've wanted to post for months but I read the horror stories here and having lived them..... (I have another BPD/ASPD ex who doesn't pay support at all anymore) and so I often get frustrated in the head space where I think "it could be worse" :wacko:

But given that in my second marriage we had another child and I was over 40 and he was 50 and a substantial mortgage payment (we got a house that could accommodate our family of 7 that grew to 8 that I kept but had to do a complex mortgage modification in order to do so) and with the divorce I lost the financial stability I had counted on and worked hard for to be there during my older two's college years and he also took that away... (my daughters are now in college and I am looking at many many years of payments of course because I want them to have a good start in their adult life)

and then he wants me to feel sorry for him since his new wife's (yes, his mistress turned wife who was half his age at the time of their marriage) income just goes straight to taxes  since she makes so little and he makes so much.  :stars: :stars: :stars:
It's like ridiculous, crazy-making stuff. He cries poor and wants me to feel sorry for him since he has "no money". He also complains about the new wife as well. asif??? I feel nothing but sorry for her at this point!


Quote
BTW - Love this quote: "When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid."  I've never heard that before. I'm a God person, I think it's fantastic, just what I needed to hear right now.

The story on this--- I was getting my hair done the day before what would be my last date with my N/ASPDH2. I read an article about a famous director's wife -also a famous actress. She had endured being cast as the evil step mother to snow white and her husband the director had very publicly cheated on her with the much younger snow white. She had two kids and she survived and was somehow thriving after the divorce and she had someone who she worked with who had told her this. I had no idea that I would be living that in a few short weeks starting the night after that last date.... but I had put it my phone as a good quote. Anyway, that's the roundabout origin of the quote and I have no idea where it actually comes from.  :blush:
« Last Edit: July 14, 2017, 07:03:05 PM by Latchkey »
Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
-Mother Jones
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There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
-Maya Angelou
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When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

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Steve42

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Re: Tired of the financial merry-go-round post divorce
« Reply #3 on: July 15, 2017, 09:00:49 AM »
Reminds me about the time that my ex asked if we could both agree to let our son's hair grow out. I agreed because our son prefers longer hair. Well 2 weeks later, she takes him to the barber and gives him a "buzz cut" which he absolutely HATED.

A PD's word, about anything from haircuts to payments to anything else, is absolutely meaningless. It is BEYOND maddenning.

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Latchkey

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Re: Tired of the financial merry-go-round post divorce
« Reply #4 on: July 15, 2017, 08:42:26 PM »
Reminds me about the time that my ex asked if we could both agree to let our son's hair grow out. I agreed because our son prefers longer hair. Well 2 weeks later, she takes him to the barber and gives him a "buzz cut" which he absolutely HATED.

Oh  :yes: :yes: :yes:  on the haircut! My exN's - BPDex did this with her S when he was 9. He hid his head under a hat and was miserable for days. He is on the spectrum and now 19 and to this day he is very very protective of his hair. After this buzz cut incident I pretty much handled all my SS's haircuts. BPD Biomom also cried poor --so I conveniently was able to find hair dressers that could handle all the boys different sensitivities. One hairdresser I found for then SS9 totally understood his issues and had him pick haircuts out of the book and talked through the whole thing with him. She was great.


A PD's word, about anything from haircuts to payments to anything else, is absolutely meaningless. It is BEYOND maddenning.

Yes to this too. N/ASPDex made it a point to offer this money once alimony ended at the end of the 2 years. Because I was getting alimony I did not push for 1/2 of the regular care only for anything on top of it like a pre-school or camp program.
After he offered 3-4 times over a course of like 6 weeks I asked a lawyer friend what I should do. She said to go ahead and accept it. I offered to treat it as alimony and report it on the taxes if he gave me over xx amount but he said no... he'd give me x amount and we'd be fine.
So, go figure, 6 months later, he's completely broke, owes the IRS money and has maxed all his credit cards.... all this while paying out substantially less.... to me at least.

Anyway, it's not worth it at the moment to go after him in court. I can survive without the $ thankfully but it's enough to hurt me and maybe in his eyes that is all that matters....
Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
-Mother Jones
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There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
-Maya Angelou
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When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

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WesternLover

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Re: Tired of the financial merry-go-round post divorce
« Reply #5 on: July 17, 2017, 11:43:42 AM »
Hey Latchkey -

So I'm not sure how philosophical/religious we are allowed to get on this board??? I just love that quote though because I do believe that God has to take somewhat of a hands off approach to our world due to free will. However, there is the saying "God helps those who helps themselves.", and I believe if we get into action, and take the necessary steps somehow we get help from above?  The trouble is keeping the faith God will help us and our children in these situations. Quotes like that one give us hope the good forces of the universe will come to our aid if we do the right thing. At least that is how interpret it, and found it reassuring.

Yes, this board is full of horror stories, I often think how it could be worse too, but I remind myself this shouldn't make my horror story totally insignificant.  I do feel guilty complaining though as well, when you look at the humanitarian atrocities in the world at large.

I notice the book People of the Lie by Scott Peck, the "spiritual psychologist" (he calls himself that) is on the Out of the FOG recommended reading list. It's a phenomenal book about the nature of human evil, and I need to read it again. It's been six years at least since I read it. In his book I believe he notes that "evil" is "live"  spelled backwards, which is interesting, he states, because he defines evil as anything that kills life. It's like PDs have the ability to kill us in many way spiritually, mentally and emotionally, hopefully not physically as well. They really know how to manufacture misery, and be like a dark ink stain on our lives.  It's a fight not to let them do that to us and our children. I often wonder if the forces of good and evil are a battling for control of us all, and in the case of the PD, if it is actually a spiritual matter, maybe they are people in which evil prevailed?

I don't know, what I said above could also be a bunch of malarkey, and it could be simple science that it's in the hard wiring of their brains, end of story. I wonder though, I really do...

ANYWAY, sooo interesting you and Steve42 mentioned the haircuts. My son liked long hair as well, and when I used to let him visit his dad, the first thing he would do was take DS to get his hair cut. Of course he never asked me and didn't care what DS wanted. It wasn't an entirely a big deal to either me or DS so neither of us fought this battle.

However, I always found it very interesting since it happened every single time DS spend time with his PD dad, immediately he had to get a hair cut.  My intuition told me it also had a lot to do with an obsessive need to assert some sort of control in any way possible.  PD dad had let us move across the country, and he realized in retrospect that when he did he helped me legally in leaps and bounds. It made him feel powerless, which being a guy obsessed with power over people, especially women, drove him crazy. So I felt the haircuts where him exerting some sort of control over the situation.

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Stepping lightly

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Re: Tired of the financial merry-go-round post divorce
« Reply #6 on: July 17, 2017, 12:03:34 PM »
It is funny about the haircuts for us too.  DH used to manage the kids haircuts because BM wouldn't bother.  Once DH and I got engaged, and she became "mother of the year" and actually paid attention to what was going on with her kids (aka controlled it), she took over the haircuts.  DH didn't care, but she took them to these horribly cheap places and poor DSS got some REALLY bad, I mean...BAD haircuts (a mullet is just a bad look for him).  For the past couple years DSS hasn't let anyone cut his hair, he has wanted it long.  DH and I figured it was the one single thing he could exert control over in this crazy situation.  His wishes were respected.  Recently DSS said he wanted to get his hair cut- I asked him to let us take him to DH's salon so he didn't get a hack job again.  He wasn't pressured into anything, just got a bit of a trim- and he was a happy camper.

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Latchkey

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Re: Tired of the financial merry-go-round post divorce
« Reply #7 on: July 17, 2017, 09:58:01 PM »
Hi WL,
Thanks for the reminder that it's ok to let some of this crazy making mind game out. I've felt much better since voicing this here. I feel bad I have to discuss money like this with my daughters. It sucks really. Having to say -- your Dad isn't paying support but DS's Dad is (except now he's not paying as much) and so I'm not going to be able to
pay for x,y, z...
My spirituality has kept me grounded through the years amid all the chaos.It's a way also to talk to my kids about how they got here and why I don't hate their Dad or want them to hate him or their step Dad either. I'm a kid of multiple marriages and step and half siblings so I don't have a lot of predisposed notions of family and I hope acceptance of difference, of the bad with the good, is something I've given to my kids as well.

There is a Book Review in the book review section below of People of the Lie 

http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=27313.0

if you want to post more on that and read what other members think. It's a good book but Peck did not exactly act as he wrote in real life apparently! At the time I read it it was a major light bulb moment for me.
« Last Edit: July 17, 2017, 10:08:16 PM by Latchkey »
Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
-Mother Jones
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There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
-Maya Angelou
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When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

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Latchkey

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Re: Tired of the financial merry-go-round post divorce
« Reply #8 on: July 17, 2017, 10:01:57 PM »
It is funny about the haircuts for us too.  DH used to manage the kids haircuts because BM wouldn't bother.  Once DH and I got engaged, and she became "mother of the year" and actually paid attention to what was going on with her kids (aka controlled it), she took over the haircuts.  DH didn't care, but she took them to these horribly cheap places and poor DSS got some REALLY bad, I mean...BAD haircuts (a mullet is just a bad look for him).  For the past couple years DSS hasn't let anyone cut his hair, he has wanted it long.  DH and I figured it was the one single thing he could exert control over in this crazy situation.  His wishes were respected.  Recently DSS said he wanted to get his hair cut- I asked him to let us take him to DH's salon so he didn't get a hack job again.  He wasn't pressured into anything, just got a bit of a trim- and he was a happy camper.

Oh a mullet !!! Say it isn't so !
I swear it's a control thing, an appearances thing." Look at this shiny object err child with the freshly coiffed hair. I must be a good parent... See see "
Maybe something they had happen to them as a kid so they think it's "normal". I'm sure many of us had parents that did this to us as kids.
In my case, it never seemed the child's thoughts or fears were taken into account.at.all!
So many kids today have sensory issues and I think haircuts are right up there in stressful experiences for kids even w/o any sensory problems as well.
Then there is the gender bias stuff where boys should have short hair and girls long. I've seen that baloney too as well.
It's just one more area co-parents should be working together on but can't...
Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
-Mother Jones
-
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
-Maya Angelou
-
When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.