Obsessed with death

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boots40

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Obsessed with death
« on: July 15, 2017, 04:17:48 AM »
It used to be frequent will changes...then funeral plan changes...then talking constantly about dying (she can talk about her death for 2 hours solid)...NOW she is leaving regular voicemail messages to remind us she will be dying soon.  Last night the message lasted about 10 minutes, croaky tearful voice to match, with full instructions of what he has to do when she dies, no mention of his father - just her.  There is a family gathering next week, it could have waited. 

I saw her a couple of weeks ago running for a bus.  ;D

She has been dying for 21 years to my knowledge.  I swear she will live forever.

The problem is my husband really does become malleable when she reminds him of her mortality, he drops his defenses and goes running to her side; silly unnecessary jobs, her personal therapist, unpaid taxi/gardener/plumber/electrician....(but only when GC sibling is out of the picture - usually it is only her that is capable of doing things correctly).  I understand it is his mother, what gets me is the way she able to play her children, they set out their firm boundaries, she sweeps them aside by simply leaving her funeral plan on the table.  His brother once traveled 200 miles because he thought she was dying.  The old story of crying wolf does not seem to apply here.

Anyone else?
"What you say about me isn't nearly as bad as what I know about you"

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practical

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Re: Obsessed with death
« Reply #1 on: July 15, 2017, 07:51:05 AM »
With my M we lost track of her various funeral plans, she changed them like others change their clothes with the seasons. She didn't talk about dying though, death was something she didn't speak about as she though herself as younger than her age and acknowledging the possibility of dying would have been admitting to her death.

F on the other hand talks about dying and uses it to guilt-tip us into compliance, and when he has achieved it, he will then say "I have no intention of dying any time soon, I want to live at least for another five years." Well then  :stars: The first time about his funeral I helped him arrange for burial plot and everything, than he changed his mind and B and I tried to come up with new options as we were given vague directions only. After doing all this work again, he changed everything himself when we were in a phase of non-compliance and he was giving us the silent treatment. As he doesn't think we are good enough at anything (doesn't mean he leaves us alone, he is only too happy to demand we do things for him, just that he has to correct us in the end), he has arranged for grave care by a company, because even his grave has to be perfect.

Yes, death is the ultimate guilt-trip ticket, and till your DH sees it this way your MIL will have her way unfortunately. B and I shrugged our shoulders at M's chaos and went with one of her wishes. We are doing the same with F now. I think the response is "M, put it all in writing, arrange it with a funeral home, and we will do what it says. Till then we don't need to know." and change the topic.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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randompanda

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Re: Obsessed with death
« Reply #2 on: July 17, 2017, 07:59:33 AM »
Yep.  Same here.  Any and all of my PD family members are obsessed with their own deaths, as if the world itself will stop turning when they die. 

WaifM has been "preparing me" for her death since I was 5 years old (I'm 46 now).  Growing up, she would often regale me with every story in her life where she was teetering on the brink of death, where she wasn't expected to make it through the night, etc.  Just the kind of things a kindergartner should have to worry about, right?  Anytime she was sick, she was going to die.  Anytime she got hurt, she was going to die.  Today, anytime she goes to the doctor, she warns me that "the news might not be good".  Ten years ago she told me her doctor said she'd be in a wheelchair in less than a year, yet here we are, 10 years later, and no wheelchair.

She also likes to try to scare me into thinking I'm dying.  The last time I had a very minor head cold, she freaked out and got hysterical and told me it wasn't a head cold, that what I thought was mucus when I blew my nose was actually cerebral-spinal fluid leaking out of my nose from my brain.  If I tell her I have a rash, she tells me it's meningitis and I probably only have hours to live.   At the same time, if I tell her I'm going to the doctor for something, she tells me not to go, because all doctors are rip-off artists.  When I had the flu, she screamed at me to go to the doctor, then when I went and the doctor gave me Tamiflu, she screamed at me that if I took the Tamiflu, I would die from the side effects.  :roll:  Spoiler alert:  I took the Tamiflu and I was fine 24 hours later.  Flu gone.

I just don't mention to her when I'm under the weather anymore.  Her lifelong message is "Be afraid of everything until you're hysterical.  Do nothing to dispel the fear.  Continue flailing and being hysterical.  Solutions not welcome."

My OCPD brother constantly checks his lymph nodes and makes other people check them for him as well, because at any moment he's most certainly got something that's killing him.  He made me go to his doctor's appointment with him 5 years ago because he was absolutely certain his doctor was going to tell him he had cancer.  He actually just had jock itch.   :ninja:

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Isawthelight

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Re: Obsessed with death
« Reply #3 on: July 23, 2017, 05:20:48 AM »
Fascination with milking the funeral plans...
My uHN-MIL rewrites her handwritten will every couple of months.
Recently she tried to convince my DH and BIL to not bury her in one of the three sites she owns, but instead, sneak at night and dig a hole at the foot of her mother's grave, and bury her ashes there. Don't worry if the cemetery won't allow it...[proxy recruitment].
Then she tried to get BIL to ask her ex-h of  > 30 years if  he and his wife would like to be buried there...nevermind that they don't qualify as family, as required by the cemetery. [chaos manufacture]
This past week, she's just bought a BEAUTIFUL headstone. [obsession for beauty]
Next, the BIL told my DH that next time he's in town, 300 miles away, could he please help MIL to shop for a headstone for her ex-husband, who is asking if MIL will please pay for his funeral. :roll: :roll:
She handwrote me and the kids out of her will in 6 months ago. Attorney refused to sign the handwritten copy. She went to a different attorney and had the will re-done 3 months ago, putting the kids back in, but not me.
It just goes on...and on....and on... :roll: :roll:

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LeeJane

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Re: Obsessed with death
« Reply #4 on: July 25, 2017, 03:53:34 AM »
Many thanks for this thread.

A comfort and help to me. My mum and dad used their Wills as weapons to hurt people.

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lkdrymom

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Re: Obsessed with death
« Reply #5 on: July 25, 2017, 05:06:13 AM »
After my mother died my father was obsessed with dying from cancer. I called it the cancer of the week club.  If he had gas or a hang nail...IT MUST BE CANCER!  At first I played along because one time he really did have a health issue (Prostate).  Then it got to be ridiculous. He couldn't go 45 seconds without dropping the word 'cancer'.  He must have been tested for every form of cancer.  He'd want to have these serious conversations with me I assume so I would feel bad for him. It did not work.  He did this for 10 years then moved on to solely talking about his bowel movements.  I wish we talked about cancer now.

His mother was the Queen of Ns. She told us 'this was her last Christmas". My uncle fell for it and bought her a big new TV.  She had 15 more Last Christmas'. When Uncle was diagnosed with a terminal illness he told his kids and one of his sons said "so I guess you'll be wanting a tv....".  At least the family does have a sick sense of humor.