Found this site 4 years ago, but never actually joined the forums or checked it

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FooFishDreamer

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You can call me FooFishDreamer, as it is my username. I found this site like 4 years ago when I was desperately searching for answers. Or more specifically, why I felt like I was a huge thorn in my family's life. I was really confused. Because a not so close relative had passed away unexpectedly, and quite violently. So I guess I was kind of.. shell shocked? If that's an appropriate term to use. Anyhow, my moods noticeably worsened since. I think I was in quite a hyper vigilant state, if I wasn't already. By that I mean, from my parents constant unstable moods and sudden storms.  But they never really affected me that much, because most of my life I felt like I was living outside of my own body. Like, maybe, perhaps, I wasn't actually a real person? And suddenly, when I heard my aunt died in such a terrible way, I felt real. Or rather, I felt raw. And I couldn't control how much everything hurt, but not know from where it was hurting. It felt like everywhere hurt. Describing it really takes me back, or perhaps I've been numbing it? Because I still live with my parents. And everyday feels horrible. Yet here I am.. Ever since 4 years ago, when I found everything out.. The truth about what was happening in my life, I was ecstatic over the idea of No Contact.

But see, I don't know what it is that keeps me here, when I am over the moon about moving out, and cutting off all contact with my FOO. Even though every second that I hear them going about their business or just breathing, it gets me so angry. So, so, so angry. I've been living on the computer these 3 years. Just sedentary. Sometimes taking care of myself, sometimes not. I don't really know why I'm here. Or why I need to be alive? Nothing seems to matter when I'm here. I know I want to live, because I cry when I think about my future. I'm stupid, but I know I'm not that stupid. Everything hurts. And I've posted on reddit before, but barely got any response. Nothing anyone said touched me in any deep way. It all feels like superficial care and attention. Not much different from the facade my parents put on to reel me in and chain me to them. I've even responded to a few redditor with that same superficial care and attention. I guess I did it to practice? But I can't do that long term. It doesn't feel real. Or maybe, genuine would be the right word. It doesn't feel genuine..

And I know, this will sound crazy, but sometimes, I feel like having to interact with them, remind me of what I might become if I'm not careful. And I really don't think that I'll get much agreement on this.. But I think, perhaps.. I am somewhat held responsible.. Because what happens when a personality disordered individual loses people to act out on? They don't die. They find other people. And well.. personality disordered or not, they're still people aren't they? As crazy as they are. -- And now I'm pretty sure I won't get much responses. But I guess I'll see?

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Libby 12

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Hi there.

I really do understand what you are saying and like you,  I am not very good with superficial responses.  In fact,  I have written on here about how much in life feels so fake to me and how I hate this feeling.   It seems to come from growing up in a fake family - all looks so good to outsiders but the cruelty is terrible.

You talk about being the thorn in your family's side, so perhaps you were the family scapegoat?  I get that too and I get the intense anger that you feel. Thinking back to being with my parents,  I can remember how everything about them made me cringe, feel on edge, but feel so bad for feeling like this.  I too spent years wishing I was dead and truth be told,  still can't really see any point in life, even though in a lot of ways I have a good life now.   The damage done just runs so deep.

Above all, I know just what you mean when you say that everything hurts.  I don't think that many people get this,including health professionals.  It's so difficult to describe how emotional pain is experienced as real physical pain,  but it is so real when you are in the middle of it.

I like your choice of phrase of "chained" to your parents.   It is incredible the hold they have, in my case,  even when I was no longer in their house. It is soul destroying,  literally. It does make you wonder if you are indeed a real person.  Actually,  when we are chained to these parents we aren't real at all, we might as well not exist.  I am guessing that you have never felt nurtured and so never got the chance to grow,  so in a way,  you don't exist.   I get that.

I am not going to offer advice - I'm not great at that.  I just wanted to say that your feelings are understandable in your situation and if I,  and every one else here, can help you with the next step towards improving your situation,  then we would be so pleased to do that.

Libby.

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FooFishDreamer

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Thank you for responding, Libby. I really appreciate it. ><

While I know that not all shallow communication comes from a fake place.. everything about it triggers me it seems. I can never feel secure knowing that a person really means what they're saying. That maybe they really hate my guts behind closed doors.. At the same time, shallow communication is what I'm used to. And I can be pretty good at seeming normal. Except it gives me so much anxiety. So I rarely smile. Which seems to leave quite a bad impression on others, as I have a dark, I guess, looking face..

I was the scapegoat to my parents, but my uncle was the scapegoat for my grandparents. It was like 3 generation nuclear family living within the same apartment complex. Sometimes I'd have to play like a clown to ease any tensions or be the perfect child. Like I was everything and nothing all the same. Cause my mom had a habit of building me up when we were with her friends. But with strangers, I was a poor little baby who needed hand holding. At home, I was the source of everything wrong with their lives and at the same time their only hope, cause I was their only child.. so mixed messages much? I think this must be why I always partially feel like I have to make excuses for these.. "parents".. They only care as much as it benefits them. And I think lately, my guilt has been manifesting. What I think is me forgiving my parents, is just guilt. I'm just so used to giving up. That after a while. Giving up doesn't feel like such a hard thing anymore. Cause what do you have to lose, when you never had anything to begin with?

And I seem to have to habit of subjecting myself to other peoples opinions on what my dreams are. Or maybe it's my moms words about my dreams that sting the most. It doesn't help that I have an extravagant dream. Of course no one is going to support that kind of mindset. But I don't know if there's anyone who was successful, who used to tell other people what their extravagant dreams were, to ask for advice. It's not like there's a straight forward path to this so called success. And do successful people even worry about how their dream seems so unachievable, so out of reach? They probably just act on it, without hesitation.. not going around asking random people what they think. As if everyone has the qualifications to speak on your dreams.

I can't help but feel so bitter at what I don't have. And you know those sage, wise advice to always appreciate everything you have in life? I have no idea what in the world I have in life. All it's telling me is to be content with where I am in life when I am far from it. All these sage, wise, spiritual advice.. it's so narrow minded. It all just speaks from a place of privilege. Of course when you have everything you need to live, you don't need more. Wouldn't that be common sense? It'd be nonsensical to want more when you already have plenty.. Yet I keep looking for advice when advice isn't what in the world I need. I need something real.. but I'm not sure I want it. Or if I'm even capable of having anything real.

And I'm really glad you mentioned that about emotional pain, because barely anyone even talks about that. It's like people get incredibly weirded out when you say dramatic things like "everything hurts". It's hard not to sound emo, too. Or that maybe you're suicidal, yada yada. I really can't tell you how much.. it just absolutely turns me away from opening up to someone when they're assuming that all my depressive talk about how I feel makes me someone suicidal. It's the mention of suicide that actually makes me consider it. And it really, really, really, really, really, really makes me feel so much anger that no one even understands where I'm mentally at. That I'm not at the place of mental breakdown. Yet it seems, that people only want to help when someone is at that far off edge. It seems, everyone, and I mean, everyone-- only comes to the rescue when they think you're going to do something crazy regrettable. While the rest. The rest who are mentally woke, just have to deal with it. Just have to.. accept it.. It's honestly, up to luck, whether or not we even get to build our own private little heavens. Because there's no one around to build it for us. Everyone who is happy, isn't looking around for unhappiness. Like maybe unhappiness is some sort of contagion. We can't expect anyone to get angry on our behalf, yet it makes me bitter.

The more I think, the more I'm left with no answers. Either way, the way I see it, I'll just have to continue paying my dues.. Whether it's fair or not, doesn't seem to matter to most of the world anyway.. which no one really seems to point that out either. I'm just left bitter. Maybe one day I'll get out of this burning desolate place. I guess I'm alright and I don't have much to complain about in the grand scheme of things.

Also I'm curious what you think everyone here can help me with. I'm not really sure how I could improve my situation.. Because I'm also concerned with other things in my area.. like racism, and encountering not so friendly people.. I've had a person try to stalk me home once, not very pleasant to say the least. Sometimes I wish I were the opposite sex, just to avoid that. Although, I'd probably be a different person. And would have to deal with a different set of problems probably.

So as much as I want to move out. I can't really ignore the face that I seem to be easy to prey upon by the looks that I sometimes get. I don't exactly feel safe anywhere. I hardly think I'm considered a citizen when people like to tell you to go back to "your" country. How nice it would be to be white and belong in white America. I'm honestly thinking about going back to "my" country, though I've never even set foot out of the US.. I've either lost my faith in humanity or have a better grasp on how the world works.
« Last Edit: July 17, 2017, 05:39:00 AM by FooFishDreamer »

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Libby 12

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I absolutely get you.  I don't have the issue of being not white in a white country but I live in a different part of the UK from where I was born and my accent stands out a mile, and I live somewhere very insular where new people aren't easily accepted so I get it a bit.   It combines with the fears that people don't like us - it becomes another factor in feeling we don't belong,  but I think that ultimately comes from how we were treated as children.   If we had been accepted for ourselves as children, we would have more confidence in our ability to be accepted by society in general.  When you grow up with all of those mixed messages you just don't know if you are good or bad or even really exist.  How can we integrate if we don't have a stable sense of self, if we feel that we are just pretending to be normal. 

I agree about how frustrating it is when people tell you to appreciate your lot in life because there are people so much worse off than you.  That may be the case but so what.   Your pain and your situation is just as valid.   I just give up on people who trot out this rubbish.  And you are so right about peoples' reactions. I have always said that I would not kill myself but I do not really want to live either. I recently saw a doctor as I needed to restart antidepressants.  He was only bothered about whether I was a suicide risk and brushed off the concept that childhood abuse can cause pain in adulthood.   In fact I only got the antidepressants originally because some of the pain could be caused by nerve damage from low vitamin levels.  They only accept what they believe in.  I don't know about you but every time someone misunderstands me, I feel like a child being belittled and shamed by my mother. It's horrible.

You sound as if you find yourself in a situation with few options and lots to consider,  but what started me on my escape from my parents was a decision I made that they disagreed with but I did it anyway.   It took a long time but that was the first step and without it I would be with them still or dead.  Simple as that.

As to your query as to how people here can help,  I was sceptical too, but we do understand a lot more than most people you encounter, you can pick and choose the comments that seem relevant to you,  you can be yourself and still be accepted.   Somehow,  the more you read and post,  the more in control you feel,  especially when you find people that feel the same. It's worth a go.

Libby


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FooFishDreamer

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Thanks Libby, I think I'll stay awhile. I never seem to stay put no matter how hard I try anyhow.

--Also I'm not sure if I want to get into it much, but if you're not a minority, you really wouldn't understand how it feels to know that how people who looked similar to you in the past, still effect your present and will your future. And I'm not talking about the ones who've been enslaved in America and are in the history books. I'm talking about the minorities who was quietly shoved aside in the history text books and viewed as submissive rats in the media. Though as of right now, in this point in time this world's history, it seems middle eastern people are being targeted for bullying. While those who share my ethnic background are, again, quietly shoved aside. Cause of course, we're submissive. So we're not really a threat, just an easy target. It really is all shades of nice to be stereotyped by more than just your physical appearance and behaviors alone. I know for a fact that I don't have it worst off than some other people.. I'm just immature and have no idea what in the world I'm doing with this life.. There's no direction. There's no role models. There's nothing, absolutely nothing to look up to.

Also.. I don't have an accent. If anything, I have the same accent from where I was born. And yet still, kids love to make fun. It also doesn't help that I don't really speak my own language. Which, a lot of the immigrants can get really snobbish about. And there was one time a nurse scoffed at me for it.. good times..

I really don't agree with how most of the world works. We're trained to be money driven, which I don't give any care about. It really just makes me feel hollow. To know that I'd be earning more money than people from poorer areas in this world. Just because I was lucky enough to be born in America. It's stupid, and it makes me angry. But I'm not going to talk much more about it since there's not much more to say anyway. I'd be ranting then.

>< Anyhow, I feel better talking with you. Thanks for being here. Even if you may not agree with some my thoughts, thanks for hearing me out. You've been the most understanding stranger I've met in a while.

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practical

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welcome to ootf!

while we understand that there are a lot of issues going on in your life and all are contributing to your situation, these forums are for the discussion of how having a loved one with a PD affects our lives. this is the area where you can find help and growth by reading the various resources like the Toolbox, or getting involved on the boards here.

Wishing you all the best.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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FooFishDreamer

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I'm glad you pointed that out to me. I wouldn't have figured otherwise. And if you are speaking for everyone on here, then I guess I won't be staying for long. As I don't like being talked to in that subtle manner that you do. And since this isn't the first time someone's wanted to silence what I say, I'm not all too surprised.

"Wishing you all the best", too.

edit: I take that "guess" back. I'm not going to stay here. I knew being too honest wasn't a good thing. I've done it before and got burned. I foolishly thought this might be an open place, but apparently not. And as I'm a private person who likes to protect themselves when they're being judged, I'm going to delete everything. And no, it's not out of shame. At least I would've if it were an option. But it's not. What a grave mistake I made to trust this site. 

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VividImagination

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FFD, its unfortunate that you are choosing not to use this site for growth and healing. It appears that the PD s in your life are not your most pressing concern, but that is the main focus of tis site. It is not a forum for discussing other personal issues. I'm sorry that you're struggling, but we must maintain the purpose of of our forum for the sake of our members. Lashing out at those who try to gently help or redirect you may be part of your problem, and I sincerely hope you are able to find a place to address your anger.

You are welcome to post here as long as it is within the scope of our forum and guidelines. I wouldn't go to a tech forum and become angry because I wanted to discuss wedding plans and that was not their purpose.
There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it. If you cannot accept it, change it. I f you cannot change it, leave it.

Sometimes you're damned if you don't and damned if you do.. so damn well do what's best for you!

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FooFishDreamer

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Sorry I'm not longer commenting on any of the issues I've went on length to discuss so honestly and openly. If you choose to diagnose me with anger issues, feel free, in all honesty. Hahaha. Anyhow, if you're an administrator, I'd like you to remove my account and my posts. If you don't feel like it or it's against some rules I didn't have the time to read, then I guess that's too bad for me. But before I leave here for good, I honestly feel bad for you and everyone here. This group think is really something. Have fun responding back to my words since it seems you are all easily triggered by something so benign, as I no longer want to participate in something so ignorant and needlessly prideful.

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VividImagination

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You need to request that your account be closed. It's unfortunate that you didn't have time to read the site guidelines, as all of this could have been avoided.

Good luck.
There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it. If you cannot accept it, change it. I f you cannot change it, leave it.

Sometimes you're damned if you don't and damned if you do.. so damn well do what's best for you!

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FooFishDreamer

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Yeah good luck to you, too. :applause: