Experience living on different floors after separating.... just to help DS?

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zenagain

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Hey All,

While I may not be able to say it enough in return - I really appreciate all of the comments and feedback I have gotten over these past few years here on OOTF.   It made me strong enough to get to the point that I am right now...

So, I am going through a number of logistics after telling my ucovertNPDw (15+)  a week ago that I was no longer able to stay in the same house as her ... that I have felt emotionally abused for years and manipulated and controlled.... and that is all affecting our DS who is a keen observer.   After a few days of denial by her (and me reminding her exactly what occurred like I was telling a long lost friend), she moved into the begging/bartering phase and continues to plead for me to return to the house.  I refuse and continue to stay in hotels.  It even went into the love bombing phase where she threw herself at me and I had to peel her off and walk out.     All things you guys told me here in your experiences, so I was ready for most of them!!! 

Okay - were it gets difficult is that our DS 11 will come home in 5 days (he was away when I told her - she always involved him when I would try to leave for a night, so I decided to take a stand while he was away at camp).   Both of our concerns are what the impact will be upon him.   I will do the logistics with him for his summer plans and I usually do most of the drop off and pick up, so it is not like I want to remove him from his house and friends.   

I am considering a request that she has made and seeking any advice or experiences.   She suggested that I could live in the basement (separate entrance, bathroom, and bed) when he gets home and while we figure out the next steps.   She wants to  "keep up appearances" for DS - to which I tell her, he already knows we don't get along and that she is emotionally abusive - for a little bit.   We do the same things we do with him until she gets home from work and then I disappear to my 'dwelling' and do whatever I want - not having to see her in our house.   

I don't like this plan for me (fear I will still be manipulated and control), but I do think it is possibly a good approach with DS for the short term.   It is definitely a fiscally sound plan.  Additionally, I don't want to be labeled as 'abandoning" my family or dwelling later down the road in a custody battle, so it also satisfies that fear too ..

Am I being stupid?
Have I been duped once again in my thinking?   

I am giving myself a few days to decide.... but any thoughts or comments or experiences are welcome.  (I am thick skinned as well...)

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Sammy

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Hi zenagain, so sorry you have had to go through so much. I would think it very challenging to live in the same house. I have read so many stories here of continued abuse, police being called and manipulated to side with PD. Have you spoken with an attorney? If you are going for a divorce ... there may be laws in your state that require you to live in separate homes. Hang in there. Blessings.

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Frothed out

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Zenagain,

I am sorry to hear you are going through this, I anticipate this could be me at any time now.  I know I want to stay in the house my children are in. I will stay there unless we have some official signed agreement about who gets children and when. As far as I am concerned, she can leave, and us normal people can stay. Sorry I don't have the answer you are looking for. My ucovertNPDw seems to have responded to me calling out her abuse. She has denied it, saying 'I don't know what abuse means', but I have only seen a hint of her aggression towards me since I merely said I would not accept it anymore. I immediately reacted to the last 'hint' with 'don't touch me', and she withdrew the physical part, but continued with the crazy talking.

What I am boiling this down to is that you, like me, need more confidence.  We need to set limits(that can be achieved) on what you will accept from them(regardless of your marital status).  I think this is what our children need to see. It was hard for me to be confident for me(I never feel worth it) so i have to be confident for my kids(they need me to be worth it).  Now that I go through the motions of being more confident, I am actually feeling more confident!

Good luck my friend, stay strong!
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

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zenagain

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Thanks for your insight and support Sammy and Frothed!

Frothed - agreed!  With the support of a few friends (cheering me on, which is telling of the emotional abuse they actually saw without telling me), I have gained that confidence - just need to maintain it.  Also, that whole loose end of who gets/does what with DS is the most painful thing right now... unsettling. 

Sammy - This is a good reminder.  I tested the waters last night and went home to the basement instead of a hotel.  Felt I should tell her I was doing that out of respect and ask if she could honor the request to leave me alone.  Instead of the begging, I felt her moving to the next stage of anger/resentment by a flippant answer back to me.   Hmmm....

Yup - laws requires 1 year in separate dwellings prior to finalized papers.  I plan to give it a few weeks when DS returns, with lots of ground rules, and then set a max of 1  months to take the next step.    Maybe that is too long.... ugh...

It is all soo unsettling.   It is also starting to resurrect a health issue... so I am trying to stay relaxed/calm and go out with friends, etc as much as I can.