Fleas causing a crumbling of unity?

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Pepin

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Fleas causing a crumbling of unity?
« on: July 17, 2017, 01:30:33 PM »
My siblings and I have been NC with NF for many years.  It was tumultuous up to that point having NF in our lives and enough was enough.  We decided to unify and go NC.  It has been a challenge to say the least as NF over the years has made repeated attempts to interfere and break us apart.

However, this time, it feels like we are falling apart.  I think what it comes down to is that our views are changing on how to move forward as NF will eventually expire.  Sadly what I am sensing is that some fleas are coming out aka silent treatment and lack of empathy.  These are behaviors that we endured from NF routinely and I am shocked to see them being used now.   

Is it unrealistic to keep moving forward as a unit while we are NC?  My fear is that if we are not united, then we will lose each other for good.  I also think that what is happening is what NF has been trying to do all along: split us apart...if he could not have us in his lives, then we could not be in each others lives either.   :'(

Another thought that I have been harboring for years is that my siblings have some BPD.  I am the only one that has worked with therapists off and on during rough patches in my life -- not that my siblings need to -- but I have learned a lot about how we were forced to interact with each other and how we go about it today as adults.  At times growing up I felt that my siblings were entitled to whatever they wanted and that I was the SG -- the person that went through things first and it was corrected or made better for my siblings.  I have mostly kept that resentment to myself in order to maintain having some sort of relationship with them.  But even they don't seem to get along as well as they used to now. 

This has been a strange turn in the journey.
Motherless daughter (now mother) raised by raging narcissist father. 
NC with NF since 2008 and 1997-2001.

Sometimes the grass will appear greener on the other side because it has been fertilized by bullshit.

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Pepin

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Re: Fleas causing a crumbling of unity?
« Reply #1 on: July 17, 2017, 03:17:05 PM »
I forgot to mention that taking jabs at my (and another sibling's) financial situation and our community/work connections have entered into these strained conversations  -- these are things that NF used to do to pit our family against nearly everyone outside.  It has been extremely uncomfortable.  It has taken much restraint on my end to not behave this way as this was the way we were raised.  Huge flea from sibling for behaving this way.  Huge.
Motherless daughter (now mother) raised by raging narcissist father. 
NC with NF since 2008 and 1997-2001.

Sometimes the grass will appear greener on the other side because it has been fertilized by bullshit.

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Gaining Clarity

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Re: Fleas causing a crumbling of unity?
« Reply #2 on: July 17, 2017, 07:59:38 PM »
Pepin,

I'm sorry you're going through this situation, and how sad that your NF seems intent on breaking the thin relationship thread you have with your siblings. It's definitely seems that he is trying to "split us apart...if he could not have us in his lives, then we could not be in each others lives".

I think you make another really valid point. You're working hard to get to a healthy place by participating on this forum and seeking the support of a therapist. FWIW, I think it's why you're noticing more PD tendencies in your siblings. I'm also wondering if your NF being intent on breaking up the NC pact and the fact that it sounds like they don't seek help the way you do could be the cause of their own relationships with one another disintegrating.

I'm SG too and my siblings band together with NM frequently being divisive. As individuals, they have very troubling issues of their own. Together, there is a very thin veneer of unity. Cracks can appear quickly and with the slightest pot stirring from our NM. Since they couldn't care less how I feel, I've learned that any perceived unity with them is very superficial and completely unauthentic. That being said, I can't help them anymore than they can help me. So I've finally learned to take care of myself first and foremost. I've also worked hard to not let any resentment towards them or NM eat away at me. It's not always easy, and I occasionally have setbacks. But the firmer my resolve, the closer I come to detaching for such emotions.

I, too, would love nothing more than a good relationship with them. But they have to want it to, and I don't know if they DON'T want it or just aren't capable of having it. What I do know is that I feel better about myself, better able to set healthy boundaries, and lead a calmer, happier life by making myself the priority.

Hope you find some resolution and happiness.