N parents using their own bodies as a bludgeoning tool

  • 10 Replies
  • 516 Views
*

all4peace

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 4315
N parents using their own bodies as a bludgeoning tool
« on: July 17, 2017, 01:44:12 PM »
I've often felt that it must be a real bummer for my uNM that we're all grown up and she can't beat the crap out of us anymore when we "misbehave." One thing I've noticed over the past couple years, probably since our relationship has gotten quite distant although I cannot be totally certain of that, is that she bangs things into me (drawers, cabinets, utensils) or her own body on a fairly regular basis.

We're not together often anymore, but guaranteed she is going to "accidentally" kick my bare foot, step on me, smash into me, bang something into me or in some other way very much invade my personal space. And she will not acknowledge she has done any of these things. No "I'm sorry" or "Excuse me" or any type of apology.

It makes me feel like  :mad: :blowup: I usually ignore it, or say "Ouch" or something, which she either ignores or brushes off.

Do the PDs in your life ever resort to this kind of passive-aggressive behavior once you're all grown up and their old methods are no longer possible? I'm realizing afresh how much I really, really do not like my mom. She is such a covertly and sometimes overtly not-nice person.

(I think i set a record today with 3 threads started! Egad! I'll try to be more moderate in the future)

*

all4peace

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 4315
Re: N parents using their own bodies as a bludgeoning tool
« Reply #1 on: July 17, 2017, 02:36:20 PM »
I want to apologize for the overly-graphic thread title. I should have thought more carefully and found more accurate language rather than using the phrase I did. It's exaggerated and disrespectful to those of you who have suffered truly horrific abuse from your parents.

Probably a more accurate and reasonable title would be "N parents who physically bang items and themselves into you in possible display of passive aggression"

*

SaltwareS

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • 873
Re: N parents using their own bodies as a bludgeoning tool
« Reply #2 on: July 17, 2017, 03:15:47 PM »
Yes!
Quote
We're not together often anymore, but guaranteed she is going to "accidentally" kick my bare foot, step on me, smash into me, bang something into me or in some other way very much invade my personal space. And she will not acknowledge she has done any of these things. No "I'm sorry" or "Excuse me" or any type of apology.
It is not your imagination. I've experienced this at times and then years later it never happens at all. It seems to flare up at times when the npdPerson is mad at me.

I had an ex who I often thought was trying to make me shorter by pulling down on my shoulder when he had his arm around me. He was not much taller than me. Of course, I wonder if I am being paranoid.

*

WomanInterrupted

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 2778
  • "They can't eat you" - Greg Proops
Re: N parents using their own bodies as a bludgeoning tool
« Reply #3 on: July 17, 2017, 03:43:56 PM »
Hi A4P,

UnBPD Didi and unNPD Ray didn't do this particular thing, but their unNPD friend, "C" did.

C  is somebody I've known since I was 12 - and something always felt "off" about a grown-ass woman who lived in a home where she was surrounded by dolls, stuffed animals, and the furniture of her dead relatives - and used the word, "birfday" in relationship to herself.  (It wasn't a speech impediment.  Everybody else had birthdays.  She had a "birfday."   :stars:)

I apologize in advance to anybody who does collect dolls - C calls herself a doll collector, but she's really a hoarder.  Everything she owns stinks of dog pee and is covered in dust and grime of the ages.   :barfy:

Didi went into business with C - a doll and dollhouse shop, naturally, which also became their own personal cookie jar.   :roll:

C isn't a small woman - she's a bit on the taller side and what medical professionals would call morbidly obese.  She's also extremely passive-aggressive and uses her body as a battering ram, forcing people to jump out of the way, lest she plow right into them.  :aaauuugh:

The few times I went to the shop, I couldn't believe what I was seeing - it was like watching a bull getting ready to charge, and charge she would, stomping over to unsuspecting customers, forcing them to jump and drop what object they were holding.

She knew damned well how intimidating it was and really seemed to enjoy using her size to her advantage.  (Customers didn't and often never came back.)

I mostly stayed out of her way - but when I was dehoarding Didi and Ray's house years later, after Didi died, Ray invited her to be involved, and even though the crap had been left to me as a Punishment Hoard, C put herself in charge - and started plowing into me when I'd get too close to things she'd deemed hers.  :mad:

Keep in mind, there was nowhere to go - I'd be forced off the goat-path and into a pile of damnable plastic storage boxes  or mashed into a dollhouse, which would shake like it was in an earthquake and C would remind me I had to be careful, because this stuff was not only fragile, but valuable, priceless, one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable, etc...   :blahblahblah:   :blowup:

It only took a few of these near-collisions for me to remember back to when she used to do it to customers.  And I remembered *I was the one actually in charge and Ray was doing her a favor in letting her take things.*   8-)

I decided not budge, just to see what would happen.   :ninja:

I got too close to something she wanted and she came storming over - I held my ground and just when I thought she was going to knock me down (and I'd have a reason to call the police  :bigwink:), she stopped herself abruptly and looked *shocked.*

I just went back to what I was trying to do, feeling a surge of triumph.   :dance:

She tried it a few more times then moved on to trying to squeeze by me, which was really an attempt to shove me out of the way.

I wouldn't move, no matter how awkward or uncomfortable it got.   :P

That's when she moved on to trying to just grab things out of my hands with a cry of, "I want to see that!" 

I'd turn away or tell her to wait until I was done. 

It took *one* day of repeatedly fending off this crap to realize I was getting nothing done, so I started coming when she wasn't there - and eventually wound up banning her after she ripped apart the staging area like a baboon, making a huge mess for me to clean up.   :pissed:

You'd think I'm talking about a 15-year-old mean girl, but I'm talking about a 70-year-old woman, who I will never have to deal with again, thankfully!   :yahoo:



*

broken

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 423
Re: N parents using their own bodies as a bludgeoning tool
« Reply #4 on: July 17, 2017, 08:16:37 PM »
All4peace, don't apologize for the title, because I'm pretty sure that most of us here can relate:  Physically, it may only be bumps and pushiness, but mentally it sure as h@ll feels like a bludgeoning. 

It's definitely some form of dominance.  It reminds me of the way my alpha dog used to bully  around my 2 other dogs, for no reason other than to demonstrate might. 

I'm curious to hear others experience with this sort of behavior.  Its the kind of thing we punish small children for, to teach them right from wrong!  How can these PDs be so filled with resentment to treat anyone this way, let alone their own daughter? 

My own mother does not do this now, although she routinely shoved me around and was physically rough with me as a child... in addition to the screaming rages and manipulative silent treatments.  A common assault was pulling my hair, during daily brushing, washing, etc.  When I grew old enough to care for my hair myself, she still managed to routinely grab me and attack me with the brush or comb.  Looking back, I see that it wasn't just frustration over dealing with a child's unruly hair, but a deep-seated dislike, maybe even a desire to hurt me. 

The odd thing.. As strongly as I was groomed to never challenge her verbally without a giant backlash, I must not have felt so afraid physically.  One day she grabbed my hair and started yelling and pulling, and something snapped and I grabbed ahold of her hair and started pulling with all my might.

Not only did she never touch me again, she never said a word about it to anyone.  Again, looking back, I see this as proof that she knew on some level what she was doing to me.  Unfortunately, the verbal and mental abuse and hatefulness increased to make up for her inability to physically abuse me. 

I'm sorry this is so long, I was a little triggered!  Hopefully others will have more useful replies to what you can do to deal with this treatment. 

*

all4peace

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 4315
Re: N parents using their own bodies as a bludgeoning tool
« Reply #5 on: July 18, 2017, 01:00:30 PM »
SaltwareS, I can picture it! How irritating. I wonder if it's seeing others as objects, or lack of physical boundaries, or what allows another person to treat one that way.

WomanInterrupted, I was snorting with laughter at your description! Good on you for trying to hold your own space...if only for a day.

broken, it's interesting that you mention small children. Our DS did this for a while, basically an inconsideration of other family member's physical space, bumping into people too often to be accidental, and we really worked with him on it. We taught him that it was rude, disrespectful and totally unacceptable (or possibly just so oblivious of others that he wasn't paying attention to their space), and at the very least he needed to acknowledge and apologize when he did it.

I'm so sorry about how your mother treated you! It sounds like that last time was the final straw for you. Your mother must have been so shocked! And I agree that the way she responded showed she knew better all along.

I was a teen old enough to drive when my mom yelled at me that I wasn't too old to get a "spanking", her euphemism for a beating. I told her I most certainly was, and the battle was on. It was the only time I physically fought back, as it was totally and obviously purely about power and control. I remember standing tall, right in her face, and telling her to never, ever touch me again. She didn't ever hit me again. But she may just have figured out another way of getting some of her physical aggression out.

Mostly I find it ridiculous, obnoxious and annoying. I think I will simply start rather loudly announcing when she does it. As in:
"Mom, you just smashed that drawer into my leg."
"Hey, you just stepped on my toe."
"Excuse you, you just banged into me."

If she's doing this deliberately, and it seems to frequent for it not to be, she's counting on me being socially graceful and staying quiet. I'm going to start rather loudly announcing it instead. And maybe ask if it's possible she's starting to have coordination problems as she reaches her older years  :evil2: (she takes tremendous pride in her "youthfulness" and being attractive and powerful (in her mind) is the focus of her narcissism)
« Last Edit: July 18, 2017, 01:02:37 PM by all4peace »

*

VividImagination

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 6816
  • Vivid the Blunt
Re: N parents using their own bodies as a bludgeoning tool
« Reply #6 on: July 18, 2017, 01:41:32 PM »
"Clumsy much? I guess what they say about old people being unsteady/blind/unstable is true. Every time I see you you crash into me at least twice. Maybe you should talk to your doctor about a cane."

Hit her in the pride verbally every time and I bet this behavior will end quickly.

Then again, maybe this is the side effects of that horrific burn. :ninja:
There are three solutions to every problem: accept it, change it, or leave it. If you cannot accept it, change it. I f you cannot change it, leave it.

Sometimes you're damned if you don't and damned if you do.. so damn well do what's best for you!

*

all4peace

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • 4315
Re: N parents using their own bodies as a bludgeoning tool
« Reply #7 on: July 18, 2017, 03:43:29 PM »
"Clumsy much? I guess what they say about old people being unsteady/blind/unstable is true. Every time I see you you crash into me at least twice. Maybe you should talk to your doctor about a cane."

Hit her in the pride verbally every time and I bet this behavior will end quickly.

Then again, maybe this is the side effects of that horrific burn. :ninja:
Snorting with evil laughter  :cheers:

*

carrots

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 244
Re: N parents using their own bodies as a bludgeoning tool
« Reply #8 on: July 18, 2017, 08:48:22 PM »
Yes, when I still lived in FOO household as a student, M used to open the cupboard door under the sink into my legs while I was washing the dishes to put some absolutely minuscule piece of paper into the garbage. If she'd said "Excuse me a minute" I would have known and stepped aside, but no, she just banged the cupboard door into my shins.

She did that kind of thing too when I was a child. I remember her shoving an airport luggage carrier into the back of my legs with the added instruction "Move!" when I must have been about 8 years old. Just her getting rid of some aggression and not caring if she hurt her own kid (or anybody else.) So it ws nothing unusual for me later when she was opening the cupboard door into my shins so I didn't object, maybe winced silently.

*

Spring Butterfly

  • Spring Butterfly
  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • 12705
  • You can't heal what you can't feel
    • FOG vs Love
Re: N parents using their own bodies as a bludgeoning tool
« Reply #9 on: July 19, 2017, 06:11:14 AM »
Wow until Carrot posted I thought I got away on this one but nope, there it is, as soon as I read the word MOVE I heard it tonight uPDm voice with her tone and the cabinet door in my shin. Wow is there anything in the playbook one of them misses?
each and every contact with a PD person results in damage. Plan accordingly and make time to heal. See Toolbox for tips.

*

carrots

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • 244
Re: N parents using their own bodies as a bludgeoning tool
« Reply #10 on: July 19, 2017, 07:30:23 PM »
Oh dear, Spring Butterfly I triggered a memory for you. Our Ms did the exact same thing. I haven't been on OOTF that long so I'm still noticing with surprise how many similarities there are.