Not sure if it's true but I told him I'm not in love with him

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Ylime

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My uNPD husband is in the middle of starting a new business (something he does quite regularly, and without regard for me although we are business partners, or at least we started out that way.) This means a couple things. One, we have dangerously low funds, and once again are doomed to have zero chance of building up savings anytime soon. Two, he is even less present (both physically and mentally/emotionally) than usual, leaving most childcare and housework to me. I'm also responsible for our finances, business taxes, etc, and they just get more and more complicated the more he keeps doing this. So it's stressful for me.

I had a very emotional week for partially unrelated reasons, and the other night I broke down and told him I'm not in love with him anymore and he's not in love with me. He took great offense to this, claiming he is in love with me and that he's really hurt (although it sounded a bit forced, like maybe he was trying to conjure up tears).  I explained that we used to be a team and now we live separate lives, that there's only brief moments of real intimate connection anymore, and that this makes me feel used, like he used me to start the business and then when I stepped back to have a baby that was it, and I was aware that there would be a shift but not that we wouldn't be partners in life anymore.

Part of me wonders if the passion between us was ever real, or if it was just a combination of his mania and his capitalizing on my intense feelings for him.

He more or less told me I'm crazy. He pointed out that he has been doing some dishes lately and being a better dad (true, but these things come and go in cycles and a few weeks don't make up for 3 years).  He said he's always been in love with me, but now it's his job to run the business and my job to raise our child and take care of our home, so we just aren't focuses on the same things. Am I crazy, or should we still be functioning as a team? It's our child, our home, and our livelihood. None are just mine or just his. We have different responsibilities but shouldnt it be possible to still be intimately connected with this dynamic? 

If he would work set hours that integrated well with home and family life, if he would maintain a similar sleep schedule as us, if he would agree to wait until our daughters bedtime to be on his laptop, I could see us working, but honestly I feel he isn't wired for it. He stays in bed until noon and then gets right on his computer, doesn't go to work until mid afternoon sometimes, which means he misses dinner frequently, and gets on the computer right after dinner even though he's only got an hour or two at that point to spend with our daughter (and sometimes me, as I'm freaking tired and often fall asleep putting her to bed). Then he stays up until the sun is almost up, mainly on his computer.

I'm pushing for a quasi-separation. The new place of business has a room attached where he can sleep. I've gotten him to agree to basically living there 3-4 days out of the week, though he's reluctant and doesn't want to do it without making expensive improvements to the place, like refinishing the floor. My hope is that then when he's here he will truly be here. It's my last ditch effort I guess...no idea if it will work.

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symbasmommy

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Re: Not sure if it's true but I told him I'm not in love with him
« Reply #1 on: July 17, 2017, 03:55:05 PM »
Hoping for the best and my thoughts are with you..... :bigwink:

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Ylime

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Re: Not sure if it's true but I told him I'm not in love with him
« Reply #2 on: July 19, 2017, 04:41:36 PM »
Thank you.

The new place opened today. I'm hoping he will start working on the room now, because it's more lonely when he's here but not REALLY here, than when he just isn't home. Plus my siblings refuse to visit when he's home.

The latest ordeal has given me some further insight to our financial problems. I went through deposit logs and bank records last night, and realized he's taken 4 cash deposits from the stores I own in the past month, and none of them were deposited. I haven't seen any of this cash except a few hundred I needed for groceries, and I know he doesn't have any currently. Nearly 3 grand missing! And that's just in the past month! I don't usually keep close track because I basically trust him to keep our best interest in mind, but I had to investigate because my business account is dangerously low right now. Guess what he said? He has no idea what happened to it, and those numbers can't be right (though he really knows they are...they're in front of us clear as day.) He thought hard and could account for many be a thousand of it. He apologized, and sat and took my furious ranting without much defense which means he knows he really screwed up and that it's probably worse than I think. He said he takes the deposit money so our employees don't have to go to the bank and then he's just going around with money in his pocket, so he spends it. I kind of knew he had a spending problem, but holy crap.  Needless to say, I'll be tracking our finances daily now and keeping a secret savings. I don't even know what goes on with the stores that are in his name, because he's there a lot, completely disorganized, and so lax with the employees there aren't even any legible cash logs for them!

I feel like he's completely fucked me. And we're so enmeshed. The 2 businesses are too similar to ever be discerned as separate entities if we divorced. I'm just stuck cleaning up his messes forever.

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Not sure if it's true but I told him I'm not in love with him
« Reply #3 on: July 20, 2017, 01:29:14 AM »
That sounds horrible! I would be scared too in such a situation.

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Samuel S.

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Re: Not sure if it's true but I told him I'm not in love with him
« Reply #4 on: July 20, 2017, 08:34:37 AM »
I feel bad for you. I sincerely hope that he will be more sensitive to your needs and to your child. Like you say, you are a team. You are married. You have a child together. You have a business together. On the other hand, it almost sounds like he is obsessed or compulsive about what he is doing to the exclusion of the fact that all of you are a family. And, yes, you are right. Doing some minor chores is in no way comparable to being equal partners.

My PDw is basically like your SO. She is so focused on her work. She is so focused on her studies. She basically keeps people away from her for most of the time, including me. It is a very lonely feeling to be married and not have a loving companion!

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Ylime

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Re: Not sure if it's true but I told him I'm not in love with him
« Reply #5 on: July 22, 2017, 04:59:21 AM »
It's definitely an obsession. He calls it ambition, and passion, but it's ridiculous sometimes. We started talking about divorce a year ago because  he opened a new place when I was against it, and he seemed to really take to heart that I felt betrayed, promised to be partners again, tons of love bombing... And now here is is expanding the business again. This time I didn't bother fighting. It wasn't worth my energy. It's kind of scary, I don't know if he can ever stop. If we never have savings, there goes the possibility of me pursuing my own passions after our child (and future children which I am now ambivalent about) is older.  After I dedicated 6 years of my life to his passion! Not to mention we have a leaky roof, a bathtub that badly needs to be replaced, mold in the walls...but it's never a priority to him, nor is making improvements on our existing businesses. No. It's always expansion, and "building community." Everyone freaking loves him, because he does so much "for the community."  It's incredibly frustrating.

Perhaps even more upsetting, is the fact that he doesn't seem to notice or mind that I've pulled away from him so much, aside from the few snarky remarks about not enough sex. Even after our conversation about not being in love. When we get time to hang out just the two of us, I end up having conversations with the back of his laptop. Anytime I look at his screen he has at least 3 or 4 Facebook conversations going on at once. I wonder if he has enough new "supply" he doesn't need me anymore.