Post a review or not?

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DJCleo

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Post a review or not?
« on: July 17, 2017, 02:56:05 PM »
Last year we were wedding planning planning. More me than my husband, but my husband didn't really know how to help and take the burden from me (I liked planning but wedding planning can be stressful under the best of circumstances).

His BPD NPD Mom was occasionally sending me things about the wedding, which wasn't terrible in and of itself.

My husband had heard his PD mom repeatedly push for us to hire a wedding planner that she was going to pay for.

That said, wedding planners are expensive and my family never does such things. It's considered a waste since we have a big family and we all pitch in to help, etc.

At some point I was feeling uneasiness that I can probably attribute to wedding stress but also whatever was going on behind the scenes with my PD MIL. My husband kept suggesting the wedding planner since his sister and PD mom had a great experience with one when his sister married.

I met my SILs wedding planner when she got married and this woman was fantastically professional and knew how to deal with difficult mothers (aka BPD MIL) and still get the bride what she wanted on her day.

Anyways, our wedding planner was a train wreck. We should have done our homework but we hired one very quickly because I didn't know squat about wedding planners and it wasn't my parents' money. I had no clue how to deal with my husband's parents and money. That was a nightmare.

In doing some odds and ends leftover from the wedding I came across the planner's reviews. We pretty much knew she lied to use about how much experience she had, etc. She inflated her worth a lot.

She also created a ton of drama instead of reduced drama with me and my husband and my parents and his parents. She tried to force everyone to have a meeting about money instead of trusting that my parents were saying what they would pay for. Luckily, my parents smelled the bull crap from far away and refused to speak to the planner. They would only speak to me since it was my planner. They had such strong boundaries that I had one argument with my mom that fizzled out once we both calmed down. But with BPD MIL, she still believed the planner and that the planner was saying to her. The planner was trying to please his mom instead of us because she was paying the bill. The planner sucked and barely did anything anyway, so we fired her after the drama because her contract was crap and had no cancellation policy.

I emailed the planner to set a boundary that she could only plan the rehearsal dinner with BPD MIL, but nothing else.

Then all hell rained down even further when we realize based on my MILs emails to my family that the planner had forwarded my email to her. WTH

I refrained from posting a negative review because I just didn't want to set BPD MIL off somehow again, but as I'm typing this I am angry still that this planner was so destructive.

My husband and I haven't been able to fully determine through proof and evidence besides behavior we saw that the planner and my MIL were plotting together.

My husband says that he thinks his mom won't flip out at this point if we post about the planner being so terrible as long as we make it out to be that MIL was taken advantage of somehow vs was plotting behind our backs.


It's also been a long time.

But I see that another woman posted a review saying that the planner was conning her and making problems with vendors so that she could swoop in and pretend to save the day.

It sounds like the planner was doing the same thing with us, but directed towards MILs wishes instead because MIL was paying the bill.


My MILs major malfunctions according to my husband from the wedding are "the email I sent" because it "embarrassed her" (aka WTH because it wasn't hers to begin with) and that I would have THOUGHT that she was trying to plan behind my back in the first place.


Maybe I just continue to leave things as is because why should I do anything to give MIL any reason to get attention?

But the justice seeking part of me also wants to warn others so that this planner doesn't get away with things all the time...

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DJCleo

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Re: Post a review or not?
« Reply #1 on: July 17, 2017, 03:06:04 PM »
Also, I guess I'm just cautious because I don't want the planner to find a way to set my MIL off again. :-/

I am pretty sure, due to the things I heard and observed during the time with the wedding planner that the planner probably repeated every single thing I told her in confidence about my family dynamics etc that I told her in confidence. Although I can't be sure because neither the planner nor my PD MIL would admit to it. The planner also said that my MIL said "x" and "y" things that were hurtful. There was no reason that that would have been helpful. She was trying to make everyone mad at each other so that she could "fix it" and appear as a hero.

I could go on and on about this....


I think she was playing my PD MIL as well.

Knowing that, it reduces my MILs culpability only a little.

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OnwardsAndUpwards

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Re: Post a review or not?
« Reply #2 on: July 17, 2017, 03:18:33 PM »
If you feel your review can be calm then it would be helpful for future brides. When I read emotionally charged reviews I tend to assume the reviewer is having a bad day. But if they're calm and just state what happened I trust it more.

I wouldn't mention the cancellation policy as maybe she won't notice and others can take advantage of that too. But yes, her work sounds unprofessional and I believe it would be kind to share that information with other brides who much like yourself find themselves searching for a reputable planner.

As for your MIL... I take it, it's not an anonymous review. Could you make it be fairly neutral about MIL? Something along the lines of the wedding planner being unprofessional and creating conflicts? That it was emotionally exhausting for everyone? Maybe some others have better wording but yeah keep MIL out if it. It's really about the planner and she caused problems, not the problems she caused/made worse. If that makes sense?
--OAU

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DizzyKin

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Re: Post a review or not?
« Reply #3 on: July 17, 2017, 05:09:02 PM »
I don't think you need to mention your MIL directly in a review at all really, it's definitely not necessary for helping other brides-to-be anyway. Onwards phrasing is good. I think it's good not to conjecture in a review, just state in a calm manner what actually happened. Something like "caused conflict between family members" and perhaps "lacked the professionalism and people skills necessary for this role."

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sandpiper

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Re: Post a review or not?
« Reply #4 on: July 26, 2017, 01:43:29 PM »
Sometimes no review at all speaks volumes in itself.
I suppose you have to consider what the likely consequences are to you, if you post a bad review, and what is to be gained by it. She'll know who you are. Do you really want to pick at that scab? Is it likely that she'll decide to go back for another jab and she'll create more drama?
In other words, what is to be gained from this & what, potentially, is an undesirable outcome that could arise from this?
FWIW I don't pay any attention to bad reviews about any kind of service because I know that often they come from rival businesses trying to make the competition look bad. There are other ways of finding out if a service is good & personally I wouldn't put much faith in an online review.
If you're still distressed about this, I wonder if you are displacing some of your feelings onto the wedding planner instead of tracking them back to the source, which is dealing with the diffiult family members.
The wedding planner is out of your life, and honestly, a really clever PD would have created havoc even with a really clued-in wedding planner. If they found themselves dealing with someone who was off-balance, self-serving & not all that professional & new to the business..well, wow, they've hit a vein of gold for their drama with that one.
It sounds like she won't be in business for long.
I don't want to sound like I'm discounting your experience...it's just that mine has been that it's a waste of time to pursue any kind of justice with someone who's been involved in & complicit with the PD dramas. There's always another one where that one came from & sometimes it's best just to deal with the nonsense at it's source.
Otherwise you can just end up feeling like you're chasing your tail, because honestly - there are just so many people out there who will play ball with them, either because they are a bit off-balance themselves, or because they just don't know any better.
It might be therapeutic to write a letter to the planner (the kind you don't send) outlining all the trouble that she caused & your feelings about that. Kind of like a victim impact statement.
Therapists get their clients to do this exercise whenever something is simmering and it won't go away & it's powerful stuff.
The other thing you could do is the empty chair method, where you throw a cushion on the floor & pretend the person is sitting there, and you tell them everything you think & vent at will.
I'd try both of those before writing the review, just because I think it'd be far more useful at getting this stuff out of your system.
Just back to the review thing, you know they pay university students a couple of dollalrs per pop to write glowing reviews on people's websites that have absolutley no bearing on the value of their product?
I.e. Reviews count for very little, these days, unless it's a real-life referral from a satisfied customer.

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DJCleo

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Re: Post a review or not?
« Reply #5 on: July 28, 2017, 12:22:08 AM »
Sometimes no review at all speaks volumes in itself.
I suppose you have to consider what the likely consequences are to you, if you post a bad review, and what is to be gained by it. She'll know who you are. Do you really want to pick at that scab? Is it likely that she'll decide to go back for another jab and she'll create more drama?
In other words, what is to be gained from this & what, potentially, is an undesirable outcome that could arise from this?
FWIW I don't pay any attention to bad reviews about any kind of service because I know that often they come from rival businesses trying to make the competition look bad. There are other ways of finding out if a service is good & personally I wouldn't put much faith in an online review.
If you're still distressed about this, I wonder if you are displacing some of your feelings onto the wedding planner instead of tracking them back to the source, which is dealing with the diffiult family members.
The wedding planner is out of your life, and honestly, a really clever PD would have created havoc even with a really clued-in wedding planner. If they found themselves dealing with someone who was off-balance, self-serving & not all that professional & new to the business..well, wow, they've hit a vein of gold for their drama with that one.
It sounds like she won't be in business for long.
I don't want to sound like I'm discounting your experience...it's just that mine has been that it's a waste of time to pursue any kind of justice with someone who's been involved in & complicit with the PD dramas. There's always another one where that one came from & sometimes it's best just to deal with the nonsense at it's source.
Otherwise you can just end up feeling like you're chasing your tail, because honestly - there are just so many people out there who will play ball with them, either because they are a bit off-balance themselves, or because they just don't know any better.
It might be therapeutic to write a letter to the planner (the kind you don't send) outlining all the trouble that she caused & your feelings about that. Kind of like a victim impact statement.
Therapists get their clients to do this exercise whenever something is simmering and it won't go away & it's powerful stuff.
The other thing you could do is the empty chair method, where you throw a cushion on the floor & pretend the person is sitting there, and you tell them everything you think & vent at will.
I'd try both of those before writing the review, just because I think it'd be far more useful at getting this stuff out of your system.
Just back to the review thing, you know they pay university students a couple of dollalrs per pop to write glowing reviews on people's websites that have absolutley no bearing on the value of their product?
I.e. Reviews count for very little, these days, unless it's a real-life referral from a satisfied customer.


Thank you Sandpiper. I think it does speak volumes that she's basically got zilch in the way of reviews. :-/

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DJCleo

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Re: Post a review or not?
« Reply #6 on: July 28, 2017, 12:36:14 AM »
Sand piper


I write an unsent letter, but that's probably just one step.


I'll probably have to write another one later to really get the rest out.


I also think the planner shared sensitive information that I had shared with her in order to try to make things run smoother interpersonally.


However, I probably would have heard something from PD MIL about it so far if that were the case?


I am mad at the planner. My SIL did still have interpersonal problems with her PD mom before her wedding, but they were family with PD problems, not wedding planner problems. Ugh!


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DJCleo

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Re: Post a review or not?
« Reply #7 on: August 18, 2017, 10:54:13 AM »
I finally posted a review. I tried to be unemotional about it and I also tried to stick to facts, not impressions, or at least make it very clear what was an impression vs. what was fact.

I made sure to phrase things in a way that didn't implicate my BPD NPD MIL as being particularly guilty in any way except that both me and my MIL had things repeated that we didn't want repeated.

I feel a sense of finality and closure in a way. Maybe I can finally work through the rest of my thank you notes since I'm hoping to move on through the negativity that surrounded so much of my wedding planning due to the drama created and made nuclear through my horrible wedding coordinator and my mother-in-law with mental illness.

My husband has tried to explain to my MIL that I wasn't singling her out, etc, but that I was just making borders clear with the coordinator. Of course, the woman has PDs and is still only stuck on how she felt vs. reality vs. possibly trusting us vs. the coordinator.

My what a tangled web we weave.


Thank you all for your input and understanding. I know that maybe it could have been something else that would have been the powder keg instead for the relationship with my MIL, but I don't wish this drama on my worst enemy.