'Mommy is yucky'

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redfish

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'Mommy is yucky'
« on: July 24, 2017, 07:55:58 AM »
I put a call in to my lawyer and I'm waiting for a call back, but in the meantime, any advice?
My little one over the last 36hrs has said:
Mommy is yucky- when I tried to give her a hug.
Mommy is spit- while mumbling stuff about daddy.
I asked her about 'spit' and she said "I can't tell you'

I took a sip of a water bottle and she said "daddy drinks sauce". I asked her what did you do with daddy and she said "daddy said I can't talk to mommy"

This morning I asked her for a kiss and she said "daddy said not to".

All this happened with her very distraught, crying, she threw a couple toys, more crying, looking very pained and distressed. And she won't let me out of her sight, I can't go to the bathroom, take a shower, etc. If I pick her up she won't let me put her down, insisted on using my pillows and blankets last night- "you have to give me your blankies", "I need your pillow". And only fell asleep if I held her. Also she started throwing herself on the floor yesterday and saying "mommy you have to help me", she's never done that before so I found that strange in the context of her emotional state.

What do I do? I've been trying to reassure her, tell her it's ok to talk to mommy, she's safe, etc. When I did that she started crying and hugged me and said "mommy you're my best friend". I had to hold back the tears.

My poor baby :-( I don't want to over-react or make a big deal over nothing but I can't help but believe that her father is saying these things to her. And I can't talk to him about it as it will make it worse for her.
« Last Edit: July 24, 2017, 07:58:13 AM by redfish »
If Cinderella went back to pick up her shoe she never would've become a princess

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HotCocoa

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Re: 'Mommy is yucky'
« Reply #1 on: July 24, 2017, 08:55:29 AM »
Redfish, I would ask for an emergency custody order as well as drug/alcohol testing on pd.  Please let us know how it goes.
I also just wanted to give you a cyber hug. 

 :bighug:

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WesternLover

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Re: 'Mommy is yucky'
« Reply #2 on: July 24, 2017, 11:46:27 AM »
Oh redfish, so sorry to hear this!  It would entirely knock me for a loop as well, and I'm not sure what I would do either.  :sadno: I mean it sounds to me like her father is most definitely trying to plant these ideas/concepts in her head. How else would she come up with them on her own? She sounds like she is about 3-4 years old? My impression when I read this is that it sounds like a child who is torn between what PD dad may be trying to force her into saying and doing versus her true love for her mother. She sounds traumatized and maybe perhaps that bad things are happening at dad's  house and she 1) doesn't know how to verbalize it and 2) is afraid to verbalize it.

I'm always so afraid of giving people advice on this board. I know what I would do, but I'm not sure if what I would do is the best or right thing to do in a given situation. I'm flawed and driven nuts by PDs so I have to watch my knee jerk response. If It were my child I think I would say "Mommy is not yucky because I love you. Mommy wants you to be happy, how is that yucky?"  When my son seemed to be holding back I always said "All I want to do it to help you, and if you don't tell me what's wrong, I can't help you...  If it's something you dad told you not tell me, I will try to figure out a way to protect you so he doesn't know you told me..."

However my son was 5 the last time he visited with his dad, so little easier to rationalize with... Maybe something like "I feel like maybe your dad told you to say bad things about mommy, and you're scared not to listen to you daddy?  I just want to let you know it's ok, you don't have to be scared because there's nothing you can tell me that will get you in trouble with daddy" ??? Gosh that's a tough one.

Overall I guess I wouldn't put too much pressure on her to talk, just try your best to make her feel reassured that it's safe to talk to you. I'd be very interested to hear what your lawyer says about this. The fact that "daddy drinks sauce" definitely would merit further investigation by the court hopefully.  Like HotCoca says it's best to try to see if you can get an emergency order based on the fact she said "mommy you have to help me..." I'm just worried the court wants more overt proof of abuse than that, but it's most definitely worth a try.

Please let us know what your lawyer says. Oh yeah - and I wouldn't say anything to her dad at the moment until you learn what you can do legally. I would keep it between you and your daughter until you can find out more concretely what is going on. Also I would try to take her to a child therapist immediately to see if they can help figure out what is going on.
« Last Edit: July 24, 2017, 11:53:32 AM by WesternLover »

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Liftedfog

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Re: 'Mommy is yucky'
« Reply #3 on: July 24, 2017, 12:57:05 PM »
I agree with hot cocoa.  I'm enraged for you.  These damn PDs.  Its enough what they have done to us adults, but leave the freakin children alone!!!!!!!!
Please speak to your lawyer about filing an emergency custody order.  You can do this.  You can keep her safe.   Big hug. 

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Whiteheron

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Re: 'Mommy is yucky'
« Reply #4 on: July 24, 2017, 02:35:31 PM »
redfish, that's just awful! It's alienation - he's trying to turn your daughter against you and become the preferred parent. Speak with your L, if you can, find a child T.
lots and lots of hugs for you and your little one! :hug:
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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redfish

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Re: 'Mommy is yucky'
« Reply #5 on: July 25, 2017, 04:12:42 AM »
Thank you all for the great replies :-) . I did talk to my lawyer, she said she's going to contact my Ex's lawyer and tell him to tell his client to stop. I told her I thought that would just make it worse and what can we do to stop it?? She basically said she can't control what my Ex does but she can get it in writing that he can't behave like that.
I'm definitely  not bringing it up to my Ex at any time, not opening that door.
The state that I live in is very very very much towards 50/50 custody , no matter what has happened. But my lawyer is trying to get it so my daughter is with me the majority.

I think things will probably get tougher before they get better, for me and my baby.
If Cinderella went back to pick up her shoe she never would've become a princess

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Liftedfog

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Re: 'Mommy is yucky'
« Reply #6 on: July 25, 2017, 05:52:58 AM »
Redfish, hang in there.  God is in control.  And, He will not allow that to go on further.  Have faith.  I'm so angry for you. Obviously your baby interferes with his play time. So like why doesn't he just give her up to you???  Why?? Because it's all about control.  And as long as he maintains some custody, it hurts you.  You are his target.  And these freaking PDs are so ruthless.  They will use children as tools.  But, he is not bigger than God.  Keep praying.  Don't give up on your faith.  Big hug.

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redfish

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Re: 'Mommy is yucky'
« Reply #7 on: July 25, 2017, 07:51:51 AM »
Redfish, hang in there.  God is in control.  And, He will not allow that to go on further.  Have faith.  I'm so angry for you. Obviously your baby interferes with his play time. So like why doesn't he just give her up to you???  Why?? Because it's all about control.  And as long as he maintains some custody, it hurts you.  You are his target.  And these freaking PDs are so ruthless.  They will use children as tools.  But, he is not bigger than God.  Keep praying.  Don't give up on your faith.  Big hug.
Oh man....Thank you so much. My eyes are watering just reading your reply. You have no idea how  much I cry out to God to save my baby. And you are absolutely correct about what my Ex is doing. I'm not giving up.
If Cinderella went back to pick up her shoe she never would've become a princess

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WesternLover

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Re: 'Mommy is yucky'
« Reply #8 on: July 25, 2017, 11:31:16 AM »
I can attest to who has helped me the most in my situation is God as well. May He be with all of us. I read Psalm 91 everyday, it's pinned to the wall of my cube at work.

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redfish

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Re: 'Mommy is yucky'
« Reply #9 on: August 24, 2017, 08:19:32 AM »
I can attest to who has helped me the most in my situation is God as well. May He be with all of us. I read Psalm 91 everyday, it's pinned to the wall of my cube at work.
I think if it wasn't for God, I'd lose my mind. I pray constantly. My DD had a minor breakdown on Sunday, and its heartbreaking. She suddenly stopped playing, imitated her dad, and then started crying that she's not afraid of mommy and then put herself to bed.
It stinks that my ex just keeps getting away with everything. She's clearly being told or overhearing that she's scared of mommy. And there's nothing I can do about it. My ex is suddenly thrilled to see his daughter (since the court ordered counseling) when he never was before when I drop her off and she's responding positively. How is a counselor ever going to see what's going on? How long is he going to keep fooling everyone? He's just going to go back to his old ways once the counseling is over- which hasn't started yet by the way. I'm still waiting for the appt to be arranged.
And I'm just like where is God? Why is he allowing DD to be manipulated and used??
I'm starting to wonder a little bit if I am as crazy as my ex tells everybody :-(
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Whiteheron

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Re: 'Mommy is yucky'
« Reply #10 on: August 26, 2017, 07:09:20 AM »
you are not crazy!!! I am going through something similar with DD10. stbx has turned up the hoovering to high, and despite DD coming to me crying about this and that stbx has done to hurt her feelings, she runs to him, wants to be with him and is loving the attention. She is being manipulated and used by him and there's nothing I can do. It's sickening. I know it won't last. He should be ashamed of himself for manipulating and using his daughter, but he's not. All he sees is the attention she's now giving him. Any faltering of that attention from her and he blames me for attempting to turn her against him. If he realizes she's not telling him everything, again it's my fault (not the fact that she knows it's not safe to tell him everything). It's maddening.  >:(

I know I'm not crazy. I have a friend who divorced a narc about 10 years ago. It's amazing how similar they all are in their behaviors. Her kids were very young at the time - I think her oldest was 3. The manipulation worked...but only for a time. The PD's can't keep it up. Her kids now only have limited time with her ex. The oldest sees right through his dad, the youngest not so much and has been hurt by the push-pull of his dad's attention. (he had been the gc)
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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acc1984

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Re: 'Mommy is yucky'
« Reply #11 on: September 13, 2017, 10:06:51 AM »
Ugh.
The one thing I can NOT get my mind around is how TORN these kids must feel. My SO has 4 children with his PD/NPD ex. She has spent the better part of the last 4 months doing everything she can to alienate them. It makes us feel SO crazy. One minute I find my entire makeup bag dumped in the cat's litter box (we found text messages on one of the older kids' phones instructing them to be destructive so we would "rage and scream" and she could cry abuse and they could come live with her) and the next they're drawing pictures for us and hugging us goodnight. My brain knows they're SO confused but it's so hard not to feel defensive or protective of myself. Especially because I'm not their BM. I feel like a prisoner in my own house.
The kids' counselor says that children inherently want (or need) to believe that both of their parents tell them the truth. I can't imagine how confused they must be and torn they feel.

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redfish

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Re: 'Mommy is yucky'
« Reply #12 on: September 14, 2017, 08:22:25 AM »
Ugh.
The one thing I can NOT get my mind around is how TORN these kids must feel. My SO has 4 children with his PD/NPD ex. She has spent the better part of the last 4 months doing everything she can to alienate them. It makes us feel SO crazy. One minute I find my entire makeup bag dumped in the cat's litter box (we found text messages on one of the older kids' phones instructing them to be destructive so we would "rage and scream" and she could cry abuse and they could come live with her) and the next they're drawing pictures for us and hugging us goodnight. My brain knows they're SO confused but it's so hard not to feel defensive or protective of myself. Especially because I'm not their BM. I feel like a prisoner in my own house.
The kids' counselor says that children inherently want (or need) to believe that both of their parents tell them the truth. I can't imagine how confused they must be and torn they feel.
How awful :-(  Once the kids realize what's really going on they will be absolutely devastated. I can't even begin to imagine how angry they will be.
Do the destructive parents even consider how their actions will backfire on them?!
It's a hard position because on one hand you want the children to realize they are being lied to but on the other we don't want them to have to experience the anguish of realizing they were lied to and betrayed because the difficult parent was manipulating them. It's lose/lose for these poor children.
If Cinderella went back to pick up her shoe she never would've become a princess

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Stepping lightly

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Re: 'Mommy is yucky'
« Reply #13 on: September 14, 2017, 09:24:28 AM »
Unfortunately, I don't think the PD parent understands what they are doing to their children.  I know in our case at least, she has created "facts" that exist only in her world, that justify her behavior.  She is protecting her children, and in her mind they should be thankful for all of her efforts.  she is keeping them from becoming the victim she became.

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redfish

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Re: 'Mommy is yucky'
« Reply #14 on: September 15, 2017, 10:26:13 AM »
Unfortunately, I don't think the PD parent understands what they are doing to their children.  I know in our case at least, she has created "facts" that exist only in her world, that justify her behavior.  She is protecting her children, and in her mind they should be thankful for all of her efforts.  she is keeping them from becoming the victim she became.
Oh man. That's gotta be agonizing for everyone :-(  .
I'm curious about the 'they should be thankful', it sounds like she is assigning them thoughts and feelings?
As a parent myself I consider it my job (that I'm thankful for) to keep my children safe, I don't expect or have ever thought 'they should be thankful'. Idk if I'm getting my thoughts across correctly here.
That sentence that the kids should be thankful just gave me pause....
If Cinderella went back to pick up her shoe she never would've become a princess