"We can help each other"

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Amadahy

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"We can help each other"
« on: August 09, 2017, 11:16:44 AM »
Hi, y'all,

Am LC and MC w N mom who lives across town.  Yesterday, I received a letter from her imploring to move back into my house.  She's "worried" about our finances and our boys, "who want her there."  All three sons try to be kind to their grandma, but all three cannot really stand her for too long.  Anyway, I wouldn't have her back in my home for all the money in the world.  So yesterday rather than talk on the phone, I went out w FOC and tried to relax.  Missed two phone calls, very syrupy sweet messages - she looooves us.

Then, awakened at 4 am in a flashback, heart racing. Practiced EFT and reminded myself I am a grown ass woman.  Before this forum, I might have felt guilty enough to try to install a mother in law space in my backyard.  At the least, I would have JADEd my "no" answer to her.  Thanks to y'all, when I speak to her and she inquires, I will say just "no."  If I told her oldest DS contemplated suicide while she was here, that would be way too much info and she'd twist it all around.  If I reminded her how she went psychotic and called the police on DH, she would swear she was "okay now."  Any real, true information I would give would be so ill-used as to be of no value. 

Anyhow, I will declare "no" later on today and see what she tries.  If she tries police again, I will threaten her with charges for making a false report.  It's crazy and sad and exhausting.  I really, truly am contemplating moving 500 miles away to my husband's family farm. 

Thanks for advice or insight, dear ones.  :hug:
« Last Edit: August 09, 2017, 11:28:28 AM by Amadahy »
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen

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daughterofnarcs

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Re: "We can help each other"
« Reply #1 on: August 09, 2017, 12:54:00 PM »
Translation:
"She's "worried" about our finances and our boys, "who want her there." "
She is worried about her own finances and she wants to be with your boys. It is all about projection.

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practical

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Re: "We can help each other"
« Reply #2 on: August 09, 2017, 02:07:08 PM »
If it wasn't so sad and triggering it would almost be funny, because how on earth can she think you won't see through this? Or think you forgot everything?  :stars: You gave her some of your time for help, now she wants all of you, she wants your life to be lived through her again.

As you know yourself, this is about her, and your answer is perfect and to the point "No", be prepared to either exit after that or change the topic, because I doubt she'll accept it that simply.

Are you still sure you can deal with visiting an helping her regularly? Between the physical effects you describe here and your other thread in Working on Us, I'm wondering whether you are not taking out a loan against your own health?
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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lkdrymom

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Re: "We can help each other"
« Reply #3 on: August 09, 2017, 02:56:00 PM »
And what 'help' do you get out of this?

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Amadahy

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Re: "We can help each other"
« Reply #4 on: August 09, 2017, 05:30:45 PM »
Thanks for replies!  Daughterofnarcs, projection, for sure!  It just freaks me out when she talks about my kids (two of whom are adults).  Practical, idk if I can or should keep in contact at this point - your thoughts are on-track and much appreciated.  Lkdrymom, what indeed?!  I didn't make clear that she offered her monthly pension, but I wouldn't do it for Bill Gates' monthly income. LOL.

I've chatted with her in the phone and there was no mention of her proposition.  She either wrote the letter in a fit of anxiety and has forgotten (beginning dementia) or will bring it up when I am most vulnerable (more likely - PDs have this timing!).  Anyway, I remain thankful to have this site and the ability to "just say no!"  LOL.
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen

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Is This Normal

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Re: "We can help each other"
« Reply #5 on: August 09, 2017, 10:32:25 PM »
Amadahy,

Your mother trots out this proposition of moving back in with you regularly, yes? Maybe, along with a set way of responding, this just needs to be filed under "things my PD mother does."

I don't know exactly what I'm getting at myself. I'm just noticing that with my own unBPD mother that part of my strong reaction to her behavior seems to come from a certain disbelief. There's this, "Oh my God, again?!?" sort of thing I do when she acts up. But as I pay closer attention and come more Out of the FOG, I'm getting a clearer sense of how she is operating (or not) at this stage of her life, and that helps me plan and prepare. I am coming to accept, way later than I should perhaps, but that's the fog for ya, that this is who my mother is and what she does. There is no, "everything's settled now" happily ever after with her. It's just a continuous cycle of ups and downs that has nothing really to do with anything I've done or not done.

Some of the triggering I have to work through with inner child work. Like you, I have to remind myself I'm a "grownass woman," and not a helpless child subject to the whims and vagaries of a mentally ill woman. I mistakenly thought I had a new message today from my parents' phone number, and my heart started pounding wildly. I reminded myself that I am an adult, and I don't have to respond. It's not easy. Old habits die hard, but they do die if given the chance. I see that with Bloomie, and WI, and VI, and Practical, and Spring Butterfly, etc.

Anyway, I'm glad you know that her living with you is a non-starter, and you're protecting yourself and your FOC. I would imagine that you, like me, look forward to the day when her ridiculous demands and assertions elicit an eyeroll or two and not much more. We are on our way, I am sure of it!

-ITN-

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Isawthelight

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Re: "We can help each other"
« Reply #6 on: August 10, 2017, 07:46:11 PM »
Hell-to-the-no!
Love your statement "I am a grown-ass woman!" That's exactly right, and those PD parents will try to make you think you still 'owe' them because you were once their child. False. Regardless of where your finances may be, you are still a grown-ass woman. And your DS have suicidal thoughts, oh my, that's a huge red flag. And she called the cops on your DH?! Out! Out of our lives with her!
Good for you for keeping your three sons your priority. Right answer.
An extended trip to the farm sounds wonderful. While you're gone, see if she can be resourceful enough to find other people to lean on, share the love.

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daughter

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Re: "We can help each other"
« Reply #7 on: August 11, 2017, 08:28:18 AM »
I think there should be a Golden Rule here for the "Elderly Family Members" category, stating if there's no history of a fabulous stable relationship with said parent, then no-way should that parent ever be "allowed" to move into our household, no matter degree of perceived neediness, financial problems, or persistence of said demand to do so.

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practical

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Re: "We can help each other"
« Reply #8 on: August 11, 2017, 08:57:09 AM »
I think there should be a Golden Rule here for the "Elderly Family Members" category, stating if there's no history of a fabulous stable relationship with said parent, then no-way should that parent ever be "allowed" to move into our household, no matter degree of perceived neediness, financial problems, or persistence of said demand to do so.
:yeahthat:
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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JG65

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Re: "We can help each other"
« Reply #9 on: August 12, 2017, 07:06:39 AM »
Amadahy,

I remember reading about your mother living with you and calling the police.  I really felt for you.  It is a sad situation but it is wonderful to see that you have grown so strong in your ability to see and manage her manipulation and mentally unstable behavior. 

In a way it is liberating when you finally accept you cannot save a mother and/or father with a PD, but you can save your family and yourself from the abuse.  As children we are told fairy tales about how beasts and frogs can turn into handsome princes.  It is no wonder that we want to believe that our parents can magically change.  We believe that if we just try hard enough, maybe we can make it happen.  It is hard to let go of the concept of the fairy tale and accepting reality can be so harsh. 

Stay strong. 
Sooner or later everyone sits down to a banquet of consequences - Robert Louis Stevenson

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practical

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Re: "We can help each other"
« Reply #10 on: August 12, 2017, 11:01:26 AM »
This is more of a side comment

As children we are told fairy tales about how beasts and frogs can turn into handsome princes.  It is no wonder that we want to believe that our parents can magically change.  We believe that if we just try hard enough, maybe we can make it happen.  It is hard to let go of the concept of the fairy tale and accepting reality can be so harsh. 
Actually in the original Grimm's Fairy Tales, it is often mothers not stepmothers who are evil and get punished in the end. Snow White would be a case in point. So, if you had read the original you may actually have found validation for what you were experiencing within FOO in a fairy tale. Unfortunately already in the 2nd edition this was changed and the concept that parents are not always good, don't always love their children was lost and glossed over, and then taken even further in the Disney versions. The ordinary people who originally told these stories 200 years ago had a much clearer picture of reality and acceptance of it, but apparently the more bourgeois people who read the books couldn't deal with the truth of unloving or even evil parents and so it became stepmothers.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Terichan

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Re: "We can help each other"
« Reply #11 on: August 12, 2017, 11:41:09 AM »
I think there should be a Golden Rule here for the "Elderly Family Members" category, stating if there's no history of a fabulous stable relationship with said parent, then no-way should that parent ever be "allowed" to move into our household, no matter degree of perceived neediness, financial problems, or persistence of said demand to do so.

I have to agree with this one. My uBPDm tried to pull this too, crying and wailing about how SHE moved HER mother into HER home when HER mother needed it, what a wonderful, loving daughter SHE was to her poor poor mommy, how what SHE did was the "right thing" and how we needed to do the "right thing", just like she had.

Never mind that having my mother move her mother, who had dementia, into our home, into the room right next to mine, when I was a little girl, was definitely NOT the right thing to do, at all. It was very traumatic, Grandma was demented and would do all sorts of weird stuff that scared us to death, she kept "escaping" and the police had to come to our home multiple times, it was a disaster.

Of course my mother never considered the impact it had on her own children, since she never considered our feelings at all... and I highly suspect that it was done so my mother didn't have to spend money on a skilled nursing facility. My grandmother did NOT belong in our home, she needed professional care. Which she got when my uncle finally came out, took her out west, and placed her in a facility near him. I am NOT repeating something like that with my own mother and my children, no way, now how, never, ever, ever.

Amadahy, you are doing the right thing by sticking to your guns on this one. I mean, your son was suicidal when grandma was there?!? That alone is enough reason to keep her OUT, and you have a whole bunch of other reasons too. Just stand firm and keep saying NO, no matter how thick she tries to lay on the guilt.

Hugs. I get it and I hope your mother drops this particular ball sooner than later.
Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.

― Leo Tolstoy

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BunnyLover

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Re: "We can help each other"
« Reply #12 on: August 19, 2017, 09:29:13 AM »
The point about fairy tales is so true: I remember reading a friends book of Grimms tales that was for a college class she was taking on them. In the tale of the Frog Prince, a princess is playing with her gold ball and it rolls into a pond. A frog agrees to retrieve it for her if she takes him to her palace and basically becomes his slave - carrying him everywhere, hand feeding him the best from her own plate, letting him sleep on her bed pillow, etc. In the cleaned up version he turns into a prince once he guilts her into kissing him. But in the original story, she finally gets so fed up that she grabs him and flings him against the wall as hard as she can - and that is what magically turns him into a prince. But I never really looked at it as some sort of PD allegory before. Interesting.