Still feel very hurt by someone who possibly has a PD after months of NC (Long)

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Lux94

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I used to have this friend, S, who was just a normal friend to me. She was the one who initiated our friendship and i’m usually a bit hesitant and uncomfortable around people but I got along really well with her. Fairly early on she mentioned to me that she doesn’t have many close friends IRL and she wished she did. So I was happy to be a close friend to her.

I also noticed that she’d always mention the fact that she’s bisexual to me. She’d bring it up in most conversations in some way. Sometimes it even felt forced into conversation. She labelled herself as a “bi representator” and would say if anyone was struggling or had any questions about that stuff that they should come to her. I always accepted her for who she is. At the time I was questioning my own sexuality and first questioned it at age 9. But at that age I didn’t know being bi was a thing so I was really confused but didn’t seriously think about it again until I was a late teen. I didn’t tell S this and just said I was straight when she asked. It was one of the first things she asked me which I thought was a bit odd.

Our friendship continued like normal for a while but then I noticed that S did a complete 180 on her personality and changed a lot of her interests that she had in common with me. I didn’t think it was a big deal because having mutual interests shouldn’t define a whole friendship. But she started acting different around me. Every time I’d talk about something I like that she happened to like too, she’d act irritated or brush me off. So when she started talking about some new things she liked, I tried to talk to her about them to show an interest in her life. She’d still get angry and basically imply that I wasn’t allowed to like those things even though I wasn’t trying to take anything from her. I never pursued her new things as my own interests so I didn’t understand what the big deal was. A few days later she made a post saying that she thinks someone is imitating her and said that she changed on purpose to “keep her own unique identity.” The list of interests that she said she changed was very specific and they all happened to be things she had in common with me. Plus, we were spending a lot of time together at the time so I really did think that post was about me. I confronted her about it and she blew up. She said it was wrong of me to just assume it was about me. She told me she’s just changed that’s all. I know that was a lie because her post was complaining about a person. She started listing all her internet friends and telling me that they would never assume the post was about them. Every time she was angry she’d compare me to people she doesn’t really know. I told her that maybe that’s because she feels closer to them and she said she doesn’t. So I just let it go because there was no point arguing with her.

Then, the next day she made a post tagging friends who she appreciates and left me out. She tagged the people she mentioned to me literally a day earlier. She said it was only for close friends and was shocked that i’d feel a bit left out. I was confused because the day before she told me that she had only spoken to some of those people a couple of times. I knew she was still mad at me for assuming her imitation post was about me so I apologized to her. She accepted that and started being nice to me again. She was being almost as nice as when we first met and allowed me to have interests in whatever I wanted. (I know this sounds ridiculous) but I still felt a bit uneasy about potentially ruining things for her by liking them because she feels like it’s an attack on her identity. I realize now that this incident should’ve been a major red flag to me but I was dumb and fell for her kindness again.

We seemed to start getting along really well again and everything was great. One night we were messaging each other and she started talking about being bi again and how she wishes she had bi friends IRL. I felt like it was the appropriate time to tell her that I think i’m bi too. To me, she felt like the perfect person to tell since she was a self labelled “bi representator.” So I told her. It was a huge deal to me to reveal something like that to someone. I really trusted her. She seemed completely fine with it and happy for me for about a week but then became super uncomfortable. I wanted to make sure she was alright and apologize if I made her uncomfortable or had done something wrong in any way. I dwelled on what to say for days. I was scared of setting her off and was walking on eggshells around her. I was so scared that I typed out multiple messages and compared them to see which one would seem the least like an attack. I had to do this because she started taking everything as an attack. I had never been so nervous around someone and almost threw up twice. I ended up asking her if there was something wrong and she instantly became hostile and told me that i’m expecting too much from her. She told me we shouldn’t be friends anymore.

I felt heartbroken. I just wanted to make sure she was feeling ok because I was concerned about her. Even though these few things happened I still loved her as a friend. I sent her a few messages to apologize for upsetting her and tried to resolve things but didn’t get a response. A month later she made a post calling me abusive and then blocked me on everything except instagram for some reason. Then she made a post gloating over my sadness and saying that she’s with people who treat her well. I was crushed because I was always there for her. I never did anything harmful to her and if I did it obviously wasn’t intentional. Surely she must've known that? I made some posts on my blog about it. I didn’t say anything bad or attack anyone, I just felt so confused and hurt over losing a friend when things could’ve easily been sorted out.

A couple of her internet friends then harassed me with over 18 paragraph length anonymous messages telling me things I supposedly did. None of which were true btw. They implied that S never saw me as a proper friend when it was pretty obvious that she did at one point. Also, one of them used the fact that i’m bi against me. So S must’ve told him about that. I felt betrayed by her. I trusted her with that. I responded and told my side of the story then received a message from S on a throwaway account. I was so shocked because I honestly didn’t expect to ever hear from her again. She apologized for what her friends sent me and for going totally no contact. I accepted her apology but didn’t want to jump into a casual conversation straight away like she seemed to afterwards. Especially after being ignored and demonized for months then attacked by strangers. About 5 days later I felt like I could talk to her normally so I went on Facebook and saw that she unblocked me. I messaged her and said that I wasn’t ignoring or anything I just didn’t feel like it was the appropriate time. She started talking to me again normally and things were ok. We didn’t mention being friends again though. I was scared that she was talking about me again on her new blog so I found it (she doesn’t know).

I noticed that every time she’d be the last one to send a message and I didn’t respond, she started reblogging things to her blog like “I miss you” “come back to me” and I even saw one that said “if we don’t talk again remember I loved you” I never let her know that I knew her new blog so I could see this pattern. At the time, I was confused but relieved that she didn’t seem to hate me anymore.

Anyway, we were continuing to talk through messenger when I mentioned that I was going back to uni. She mentioned a hard exam she had to do and how much she hates that class so I asked her what class it was. She didn’t respond so I left it. I looked at her blog and saw another rude post about me that said I was “batshit” I found it hurtful because I hadn’t done anything. She also stopped with the “I miss you” type posts too. I feel paranoid that she’ll still make rude posts about me so I check her blog every so often. I really don’t want to do this because it hurts me when I see something like that. But if I never look at it I feel scared that she’s saying something so I feel stuck. She hasn’t said anything really bad since then but there’s still little jabs. Which is weird because as far as she knows I can’t see them. I don't see the point in that.

I feel incredibly hurt by S and her friends but I still want to try and make things work somehow. I don’t know why I feel like this and think there’s something wrong with me. Ideally, i’d like for us to go back to just being normal friends but I don’t know how. I feel like if I just let her continue to treat me badly and not said anything things might've gone back to normal eventually. I feel like I should apologize to her but i’m not really sure what i’m apologizing for. Every time I tried to express any sort of negative emotion to her she got angry so a heartfelt apology might come across as desperate or irritate her. But I really miss when things were good between us. I’ve never felt so hurt or conflicted by a friend.

It was pointed out to me that S likely has OCPD or BPD but i’m not sure. S has a lot of narcissistic traits too. The person who told me that also recommended this site and I really appreciate it. I'm pretty sure I might also have some sort of PD but I don't know. I'm just really confused.

Thank you to anyone who reads this.

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xredshoesx

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welcome to the forum lux94,

a uPD/PD person can 'lovebomb' a friend type relationship much in the same way they can lovebomb a romantic one.  i'm sorry you experienced this treatment and it sounds like all these attempts to get your attention still are hoovers to suck you back into the friendship again (just like a vacuum).  from what you wrote, it sounds like you are kind of over how she treated you and just want to be left alone so you can figure out how to spot the red flags sooner as to not get into a toxic friendship like this again in the future.

social media adds a further complication to your situation because it sounds like she's using that as a platform to harass you.  sometimes the best thing to do is walk away from the keyboard, sit on your hands instead of responding, and then use the blocking feature as much as you need to.  when you all have mutual friends this gets hard but your peace of mind is way more important than what her or her minions think of you. 

i hope you meet up with some better people when you start up your university courses again.  hopefully being busy with school stuff/ people will help you to get past the hurt that you rightfully feel after being used by this person.  if you get the chance, try to sign up for some mixers or activities that you are interested so you can meet more people that like the stuff that you like in a genuine manner-  most unis also have active social groups for bi kids too, so that may be a better avenue to check out where you can be supported in a way that nurtures your journey instead of being treated the way you were treated. 

hope to hear from you soon!

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Lux94

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Thank you for your response.

I really get the impression that she doesn't want me back as a friend. When she first remade contact to apologize for what her minions said, she did sort of imply that she wants to be back in my life. But then after talking a bit more she gave off the opposite impression. Especially after ignoring my last message then going behind my back and posting on her blog about how i'm crazy.

I don't know how to cope with this because I have never lost a friend before. I really miss her because at one point things were good. I don't like how i'm trying to hang onto something solely because it once made me happy. But I can't explain anything to her properly because of the possibility that she'll take it as an attack. She's already accused me of trying to approach her multiple times when I didn't. Which is one of the reasons why I had to drop out of uni. I just couldn't cope. Plus, every time she'd see me alone she'd cling to someone she was with and act extra happy with forced laughter, etc. just to rub it in my face. I know that was an act because other times I saw her when she didn't notice me, she'd just act how she usually does in public (very quiet).

I would love to talk to her again but I don't know how. We haven't had any contact in months. I did recently get a strange message from someone who I think could be one of her minions again but I'm scared to say anything in case it's just a troll. But it'd be the perfect opportunity to talk to her. I'm scared she'll get angry though.

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notrightinthehead

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It seems you find it difficult to accept that your friend S sometimes likes you and sometimes drops you and you cannot control why and when she does it. She is showing you exactly how she is - unpredictable, sometimes nice, sometimes hurtful - and that your behaviour has little to do with it. Sometimes I also find it difficult to accept what others do and how they behave, it makes no sense to me and I find it confusing or outright wrong. However, I had to learn the hard way that I cannot change others and have no control over how they treat me, just over my response to it.