Practical advice for NC with persistent and shady NPD parent?

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dogborg

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Practical advice for NC with persistent and shady NPD parent?
« on: August 12, 2017, 11:17:34 AM »
Hello all,

So I've been "unofficially" EEEELC/NC with my NPD/BPD mom and (???) dad for about a year now, and I'm aiming to go official NC as soon as I can get some stuff out of their name. Their attempts at contact have been unsuccessful, but they've recently ramped up their efforts, and done some concerning things. Namely, they deposited money into my bank account without permission (which is apparently perfectly legal according to my bank??), and lying about medical information to family and possibly posing as me on the phone to get actual medical information—I recently found out this is for a smear/concern campaign she's waging where she's lying and saying that the effects of a genetic condition I have are actually the result of my partner physically abusing me and mean I'm "in grave danger."

I'm currently on their health insurance and phone plan, but that will be changing within the next month if all goes well. My parents have done some extremely shady if not blatantly illegal financial stuff in the past, so I'm really concerned that they'll increase their efforts to do so as I go full official NC.

I know I've seen this information around before, but when I specifically searched for it, I couldn't find it—is there a comprehensive list of things to do or consider doing to protect yourself and your information when going NC?

What I've done so far:
—Move to somewhere they don't have the address of
—Get really really lucky in moving to a house with an established system of alarms (I'm in the process of getting a permit to arm) and security cameras by pure chance
—Blocked them on social media
—Silenced their texts and calls (I still have them go through still in case I need them as evidence or so I have a heads up if they ever get my address)
—We have an end-of-street mailbox so it has a lock on it, and neither my name nor address appear on it
—If they ever do show up to my house, my partner and I have talked and agreed that the police will be called immediately (and my big dog will bark her damn head off in an attempt to seem scary)

Information they have, or are extremely likely to have:
—My full name, DOB, SSN, and copies of my SSN card, birth certificate, and (expired) passport
—Phone number
—The general area in which I live
—Car insurance information (in my name), license plate number, an old title for my car in their name and possibly a copt of the new title in my name
—Health insurance information and medical records, including possibly ones they gained access to by posing as me on the phone. I'm currently on their health information but will be getting my own within the next month. I'm certain they'll refuse to take me off of theirs
—Banking information (from a former joint account, now in my name only)
—W2s and pay stubs (I used to work for my mother; there's indication that she used to and possibly still is paying herself in my name) and tax returns (that they refused to give me access to)
—Student loan information and FAFSA information (lied to me about the loans and forged my name on them; I don't have the paperwork for these either, I think one is a joint loan)
—University information
—Several years of former (including recent) addresses
—Other possible loans/accounts taken out in my name without my permission
—Possibly life insurance in my name?
—Possibly some trusts/inheritances from my childhood? One of my biological grandparents died when I was quite young, and at the time they talked about some inheritance he left me, I think in the form of a trust or savings for college, that I never actually saw. They could've lied or being so young I could've misunderstood, but I remember it being a modest amount of money for what it would take me to get ahold of it (provided they didn't splurge it), 2 or 3k maybe, if it was still there it'd be nice but I just want to make sure there's no kind of account whatsoever out there with both their name and mine on it.

Soooo essentially all the information they need to steal my identity and then some. I know you can do credit locks for 30 days, but there's nothing to stop them from doing something after that. I have a plan in place in case they directly harass me in person or eventually by phone, how do I mitigate the risk of the damage they're capable of with the information and documentation they have on me? Is there any risk that they pop back up at some point and for one reason or another would be able to exert some kind of legal or financial manipulation/claim/control/obligation over me?  My mother is brilliant at sweethearting and playing the victim/concerned parent to get her way, and I'm concerned about what she might be able to convince people of with her manipulations. Thanks!

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daughter

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Re: Practical advice for NC with persistent and shady NPD parent?
« Reply #1 on: August 12, 2017, 07:25:10 PM »
I'd get a credit-lock with the pertinent credit agencies.  I'd obtain credit reports from big three credit reporting agencies (USA) to check for any errors, oddities, etc.

Contact credit card company, bank, employer, school, loan processor, etc, to notify them that my parents, stating their names, addresses, and dates-of-birth, are specifically prohibited from obtaining any information or access to said accounts.

If your bank account number is same as formerly jointly-held bank account, transfer to new account with new bank account number.  Ditto for joint credit cards; specifically request in writing to be removed from those account numbers, and obtain individual credit card.

Student loans in USA tend to "stick" forever, so it would behoove you to research this in greater detail.  "Lack of knowledge" and "forged name" won't release you from these loan obligations.

In regards to "old trusts", do you recall name of attorney who administered those trusts?  Call for appointment, and ask your questions.  Do you recall signing any legal documents?  Do  you have copies of these trust documents?

Contact doctors, to notify them that parents are not permitted to obtain information regarding medical records.

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Bloomie

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Re: Practical advice for NC with persistent and shady NPD parent?
« Reply #2 on: August 12, 2017, 10:29:03 PM »
dogborg - Hi there and welcome. What a lot of important things you have already done to protect yourself. Daughter also has some stellar advice.

We are not really set up to do much more than offer support and encouragement to you and resources geared toward coping and further understanding of what we are dealing with - all which can be found at the tabs above.
 
We do have a Leaving Checklist that is geared more toward Separating and Divorcing, but has some very helpful suggestions and is found here: http://outofthefog.website/separating-divorcing/2015/12/5/leaving-checklist

Another comprehensive resource that includes in depth information and links to advocacy groups and help for you is found here: http://www.self-defense-mind-body-spirit.com/stalking.html

Something important I can caution you in as you continue to share here, is that our members who are in a potentially stalking type situation such as you describe, are very careful about using identifying info here, or anywhere on a public forum. What many members do is change up the specifics of their circumstances just enough to still allow them to share and gain support without putting them at risk of being found here.  It is most important that you protect yourself and your anonymity.

You have found a community of people who will weigh in and support you through such a stressful and difficult time. I am thankful you have found us and are doing so much to preserve and protect yourself. Stay safe and let us know how you are when you feel you are able!

Bloomie 🌸
"Some people really don't get it, that we matter as much as they do." Moglow
"It takes emotional maturity to maintain decent relationships." Spring Butterfly

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Practical advice for NC with persistent and shady NPD parent?
« Reply #3 on: August 13, 2017, 12:43:52 AM »
Hi Dogborg and welcome!

Definitely change your bank account, ASAP.

Contact any and all vendors you have joint ties with (car insurance, medical insurance) and ask if you can password protect your accounts.

Same with your doctor's office(s) - before you are identified as "you" - a password will be needed.

If they can't do that, you could ask them to *call you back on either your cell or home phone (if you have one)* before disclosing any information.

Any number that isn't listed as yours - ignore it.  It's not you.

Or you could change doctors, if that's a viable option.

Check your credit reports monthly, or get Life Lock.

A word about them - that $20 a month service of theirs is utter rubbish.  Your banks will do a better job notifying you about questionable credit card purchases - for free!

However, if you want to pay something like $100 or more a month - they do have decent services.

I think it depends on how worried you are and how much you can afford, I'm sorry to say.

If you're *really* worried about nefarious dealings, you could look into getting a new Social Security Number.  It may not be easy - but could be worth the time investment.

Spend a little extra for unlisted phone numbers.   :)

Do NOT store any account or policy numbers on your computer! 

When paying bills, go to your bank's site and pay directly.  Those are usually very secure.  Don't rely on vendor sites unless you have to.

Have GOOD spyware protection, including keyloggers, malware - and a firewall from hell - but not too hellish, or your computer won't let you do anything or will spam you with never-ending windows of, "Did you want to do that?" and "Are you sure you should do that?  It might not be safe."   :roll:

Passwords - the best ones are things they'd never guess, obviously.  Mnemonics are great for that.

Being PD, there's probably a lot of stuff in your life they glossed over or missed entirely.  They don't know you at all, let alone what you like or dislike.  This puts you at an advantage with password protection.

I'll throw one out here - it's not a real password, but could be.

I love Game of Thrones 2 much.  Dany kicks ass.  Dracharis, mofo!

Password:  IlGoT2mDkaDmf!

Sticking with the Game of Thrones motif, I'll give you a few more ideas:

!Drinking with Tyrion - that SOB.  He 8 all my cheese.

Password:  !DwTtSOBH8amc

3 Dragons, 8,000 Unsullied; could seem a bit 1 sided

Password:  3D8U;csab1s

Getting the idea?   :bigwink:

*Nobody* is going to figure out your passwords, but you're probably going to need to write them all down and keep them in a safe place - like a small home safe, if that's at all possible.

I'm sure you'll come up with some amazing passwords.  8-)

Back in the 80's, we were some of the first people to need password protection on all our information - unNPD MIL is too nosy for her own good and even my doctor wasn't off limits, just like yours.

It took us a long time to go NC with her, but we did - and I still remember the feeling of satisfaction when she'd try to grill me about my mother's maiden name, favorite pet's name, favorite color... and either lying or kind of not answering and redirecting her (REALLY rudimentary MC).

Now I think, "Who the hell has to do this to protect themselves from a PARENT?"

Apparently, many of us.   >:(

I wish you all the best - financial and emotional freedom!

 :hug:


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dogborg

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Re: Practical advice for NC with persistent and shady NPD parent?
« Reply #4 on: August 13, 2017, 10:53:10 AM »
Thank you all for the great replies!

I didn't know you could password protect doctor's offices and information, that's a great idea! I just call them and ask? I'm chronically ill and see a lot of doctors so this one is pretty important for me. Also, does anyone know if I can request if I can request of hospitals and doctors offices that in case of emergency, to not seek them out or allow them to make any decisions whatsoever for me? I don't really care who makes the decisions as long as it's not them.

Student loans in USA tend to "stick" forever, so it would behoove you to research this in greater detail.  "Lack of knowledge" and "forged name" won't release you from these loan obligations.

Yeah, I briefly looked into what it would be to revoke those loans because I didn't sign them, and I could have it done, but then the university would just come after me for the money FAFSA pulled form them so that doesn't help. I have the login to pay the loans and will start as soon as I start my first ever job where my mother can't take my paycheck in a couple weeks (yay!!!), but I don't have the paperwork giving the terms of the loans, and I know my mother still manages to have her own login despite be trying to change it. My concern is, I think there might be one of the loans that's joint with them, which I don't want at all and would never ever have agreed to. Is there a way to "un-joint" it even if it means I have to take on sole responsibility for it?
I also didn't give much thought to protecting my computer from them, and maybe it's naive but I don't think my mother poses much of a threat in that department. My parents are quite technologically behind and my mother in particular has a learnt helplessness complex about technology; she can't even download software or change a password on her own. My partner is a computer-security-type person so our house wireless and such are set up to be generally secure, but I can ask him to check or up the security level.

In regards to "old trusts", do you recall name of attorney who administered those trusts?  Call for appointment, and ask your questions.  Do you recall signing any legal documents?  Do  you have copies of these trust documents?

Sadly, I was about 6 or 7 at the time, so I don't remember much at all about the specifics. I could possibly get in touch with my biological parents about this. I'm only really concerned about it if it's something financially tying me to them.

Additionally, is there any way that I can prevent them from registering me as a dependent on their health insurance, or writing or filing W2s in my name? They've refused to allow me to file my own or access my my tax records at all even up to this last year (a couple years ago when I attempted to file on my own, they absolutely lost it, and this could've been catastrophizing, but some of the stuff they said led me to believe that they were either filing checks in my name to themselves, or for some other reason the IRS looking into their taxes was very bad for some other reason).

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daughter

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Re: Practical advice for NC with persistent and shady NPD parent?
« Reply #5 on: August 13, 2017, 11:19:37 AM »
File your own IRS return, using your SS number, and IRS will flag whether your parents are still claiming you as a dependent.  That will be their problem, not yours.  Your parents can't "make" you be a dependent.

I know for fact that my NBM "absorbed" my inheritance from my maternal grandparents, and that there was zero inheritance from my paternal grandparents.  NBM even made me sign a release, to acknowledge no further claim against maternal grandparents' estate.  Yes, I was compliant dutiful daughter.  Yes, I'm aware that nsis received a substantially greater distribution, but was still operating under "peace in the family no matter the personal cost" basis.

I also know for fact that my quite wealthy parents have "disinherited" me at my malevolent NBM's instigation.  (enabler-enforcer NF: "whatever your mother wants; I've no say in the matter", no matter issue or significance.)  My NBM has been quite open and transparent about her dislike of me, her disfavor towards me, from childhood on-wards, even though I was a docile obedient low-maintenance "parentified" good girl, with NF's tacit consent and full cooperation.  I think my children have also been disinherited, so their sizable estate likely will go to overtly-favored nsis (NBM's BFF mini-me) alone.  Note that this may be your outcome too.

You noted "biological parents".  Are you formally adopted?  Do your so-called "parents" have legal documented custody over you?  If not, then I suspect they can't identify you as a "dependent" anyways.

If you're on their health insurance, you may still benefit from that coverage without allowing medical disclosure to them.  Our oldest DS is covered on our health insurance, but I wouldn't have access to his medical records but for fact that I've medical proxy document that specifically allows this.  If in USA, this is fairly standard practice. 

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guitarman

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Re: Practical advice for NC with persistent and shady NPD parent?
« Reply #6 on: August 13, 2017, 12:39:46 PM »
Hello dogborg

What an awful and stressful time you've been having.

Others wouldn't believe what we have to go through in order to protect ourselves from abuse.

I hope it all works out for you and you can live your future life in freedom and peace. I'm sure that you will as you are taking all the necessary action.

Good luck.

Best wishes

guitarman
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama