The other side

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Adrianna

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Re: The other side
« Reply #15 on: September 11, 2017, 12:28:02 PM »
You guys are all so encouraging to me! I want to reduce my contact even more but now I'm down to like 2 phone calls a week and a weekly short visit which is only about an hour (down from my original 4-5 hour visits). The less contact I have with her the better I feel.

Yesterday I went over there. I used to bring her out to lunch every weekend. Not anymore. Then I'd start bringing lunch down to eat with her (to avoid me having to yell in the restaurant because she won't get a hearing aid). Now I bring food down if I feel like it, and if I feel like eating at home, I don't bring any food down.

Yesterday I went down and it was the usual garbage. She can't see, she can't do anything, she hasn't seen anyone in a week (lie), blah blah blah. I told her to mention to her eye doctor her problems on Thursday. I asked her who is taking her to the appointment. Her response?

"What's her name."

Yes, that's what she calls this wonderful niece who does so much for her. What's her name. Can't even remember her name or doesn't bother trying likely. Yet this niece thinks nana is so wonderful. If she only knew how she is being used.

I had to yell because her hearing seems to be worse and she can't hear me in normal tones of conversation. So that leads to "Adrianna, don't get angry with me." I was calm as I could be but I have to raise my voice so she can hear me. It's like I'd rather not talk to her at all than deal with this. Then I went to leave and she says:

"Are you angry with me?"
"No, I asked if you wanted to go to the park and you said you can't because you don't feel well, so I'm going alone."
"Don't be upset with me Adrianna."
"I'm not upset with you (although by this point I was becoming upset)."

I had 3 phone calls later with messages on the machine. The italics are my feelings. These were the voicemails:

1.  "Adrianna, as you left today, I watched you drive away through the window (cue dramatic music here) and realized that your love to me has turned to hatred. I am sorry because (are you ready for this?) you're the only one I've had (to do things for her probably).  I hope you enjoy your walk." Can you say MASSIVE GUILT TRIP EFFORT?

2. "I had a rough day today Adrianna. Call me when you can."

3. "I forgot what I was going to say to you. I'll remember tomorrow."

Did I return any of these calls? NO. Do I see her antics now for what they are? YES.

I really want to tell her that I don't hate her, but I do hate her personality and behavior towards others.









« Last Edit: September 11, 2017, 12:29:40 PM by Adrianna »
Practice an attitude of gratitude.

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lkdrymom

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Re: The other side
« Reply #16 on: September 11, 2017, 05:24:30 PM »
OMG!  You have finally seen the light.  I remember when you first started posting and thought you could never back away.  And now you can see clearly.   The crazy part is these people do not understand that all the guilt trips and complaints just drive us away.  I called my father today to arrange the monthly shopping trip. I was totally dreading it as he always hits me with all his 'problems" which makes me not want to call. Today he was pleasant and just happy that I would be up on Saturday. If more calls were like this I would call and visit more often.  I know it wont last but it was a nice change for me.

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: The other side
« Reply #17 on: September 12, 2017, 12:44:30 AM »
You really HAVE seen the light!   :yahoo:

It's an amazing feeling, isn't it - knowing their stuff is their stuff and they can do or not do without us?   :)

Oh yes...what's her name.  Ray had the charming habit of interchanging my name with Didi's  - he'd call her WI half the time and me Didi half the time, and RARELY got it right, even when I was a kid.

Yes...we're just interchangeable parts for him, designed to do his bidding.  Swap out one, replace it with another, as long as it *works* - all was well in his world.   :roll:

Until the day I stopped answering to Didi.  I really think that might have been the beginning of the end.  Somebody close to him wasn't indulging him and making him use names for the people he was speaking to, for a change - and he just couldn't handle that, because it would mean he was WRONG.   :wacko:

I'm pretty sure she's called you "what's her name" to the Niece Who Does.

And then Guilt Trip we all love SO much, she wrote with heavy sarcasm.    ;)

Yes, the woman who claims to be going blind can tell by you walking to your car, opening the door, getting in, shutting the door, starting the car, putting it in gear and driving away can certainly tell how much your love has changed to hate.  Of COURSE she can.   :bigwink:

I think her hearing loss *might* be another game - to get you to raise your voice.

Next time, *write it down on a pad, in large letters, if she doesn't hear you the first time.*

Or if you have something larger than a phone that you carry with - a Kindle or laptop, type it and change the font to humongous and watch her reaction.

She may try to argue she isn't going deaf - you were angry.

Write, "I was not angry.  And I don't feel like straining my voice."

Or you could write, "If you think I'm angry with you, I will come back another time." - and leave.

*When* that another time is, is up to you.  My feeling is, when they start accusing us of being angry or mean - it's time to take a powder.   Nobody needs to be falsely accused of elder abuse.

If she goes back to her poor eyesight - the woman who could tell your mood just by watching you walk away and leave - it might be time to start lowering those calls to once a week and the visits to once every other week.

It sounds to me like she's still playing games - and going to be playing them until the day she dies, which could be a long way off, even given her age.

That doesn't mean you have to keep indulging her and trying to figure out the rules.

What I think might be going on with her "deafness" is you're not performing like you used to, so she's giving you something of the ST - then blaming you for being mad.

And...in your #3 - she's setting herself up for CONFUSION, thinking you'll swoop in and SAVE her.

That's not a game I'd want to play.  I have a feeling you don't like it, either.

So...the ball is in your court.  You can do with it what you wish.

I'd look at it on the ground and just walk away - it's NOT worth the effort.

 :hug:

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AmericanWoman

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Re: The other side
« Reply #18 on: September 12, 2017, 12:44:59 AM »
I remember you, and WOW you ROCK! 

Thank you so much for your positive messages, it's refreshing and helps everybody!  :cheers:

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blacksheep7

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Re: The other side
« Reply #19 on: September 13, 2017, 11:40:03 AM »
Good for you Adrianna!  :cheer:




 
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.