I'm afraid I can't afford to get divorced

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Mintstripes

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I'm afraid I can't afford to get divorced
« on: August 19, 2017, 10:14:08 PM »
My unPDh is driving me absolutely crazy. I keep my cool and have taken a lot of important steps towards leaving, it's a work in progress. He seriously has a new fight to pick on the daily with me, and engages in guilting, devaluing yelling, shaming, giving hour long speeches, blaming me for anything he feels like (lacks empathy) etc. He uses religion and culture as control tools. He is constantly making himself the victim. Nothing is good enough for him. Of course, he will lovebomb, Hoover and use gifts of flowers to lure me back in. His "nice" moods are few and far between now.
Anyway, as I mentioned, I've taken important steps towards freedom but I'm terrified I won't make it financially. I live in one of the most expensive cities in the world. Even if I make a moderately ok salary, I'll be cleaned out between daycare and rent. The numbers just aren't there. I don't want to rely on him contributing, his employment and earnings are inconsistent and I wouldn't put it past him to spite me further by not giving me money for our LO.
I've reached out to my contacts for ideas on eventual housing, etc.
I start to doubt myself and think "who am I kidding, I can't do this!"

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Skippyd

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Re: I'm afraid I can't afford to get divorced
« Reply #1 on: August 19, 2017, 10:35:56 PM »
Mint, I can relate on many levels and am sorry you're in that position.  How long have you been together and how long has he been behaving like that?

For me, my views on whether or not I can afford to divorce and leave have changed over time during our 3 year marriage.  I saw it as hopeless and impossible.  As things have gotten much worse, I have become more and more willing to leave and live under the most basic survival conditions versus keeping the standard of living I had.  If I have to do it without an attorney and pay the $350 and represent myself, so be it.  If I have to rent a 10x10 bedroom from someone for $500 a month and rebuild, that's what I will do.  I'm not suggesting those examples are possible for you.  I'm pointing out that my survival - life, wellness, and happiness needs- have been reduced to the most basic form possible because of how bad things keep getting.  I just need a place to lay my head at night, eat, and keep my job and I believe I can rebuild from there.

I think you can, and will, do it if you have to.  I hope things get better for you.

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Mintstripes

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Re: I'm afraid I can't afford to get divorced
« Reply #2 on: August 19, 2017, 11:09:18 PM »
Mint, I can relate on many levels and am sorry you're in that position.  How long have you been together and how long has he been behaving like that?

For me, my views on whether or not I can afford to divorce and leave have changed over time during our 3 year marriage.  I saw it as hopeless and impossible.  As things have gotten much worse, I have become more and more willing to leave and live under the most basic survival conditions versus keeping the standard of living I had.  If I have to do it without an attorney and pay the $350 and represent myself, so be it.  If I have to rent a 10x10 bedroom from someone for $500 a month and rebuild, that's what I will do.  I'm not suggesting those examples are possible for you.  I'm pointing out that my survival - life, wellness, and happiness needs- have been reduced to the most basic form possible because of how bad things keep getting.  I just need a place to lay my head at night, eat, and keep my job and I believe I can rebuild from there.

I think you can, and will, do it if you have to.  I hope things get better for you.

Been married about as long as you. His worrisome behavior started when I got pregnant, which was pretty soon after we got married.
He is SO hot and cold, I never know what to expect anymore. He's putting pressure on me to have more kids, thinks he can make unilateral decisions for our family, so I feel like I need to get moving really soon.
I don't know if I will be able to afford an actual full apartment, rent is sky high here, but I need a safe place for my child. I can't rent a room with just anyone.
So far, I've consulted with an atty, gone on job interviews, and looked at daycares. I've also reached out to a contact who works at an org that helps people leave my husband's fundamentalist religion, I met with her secretly back in the winter and she was super validating and helpful. He has started making more religious demands and thinks that he will decide everything regarding the religious upbringing of our child. He also believes in having as many babies as physically possible and women staying home, has started implying that the clothes I wear aren't "proper" and in line with the religion, thinks he will control how our child dresses too. It's all very scary and cultish, and I want freedom for myself and my child.
The lady who I met with may be able to offer advice on housing, I know sometimes people who left the religion help each other out, rent out rooms to help people rebuild their lives after leaving.

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Mintstripes

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Re: I'm afraid I can't afford to get divorced
« Reply #3 on: August 20, 2017, 12:51:48 AM »
Skippy, I posted too soon lol.
I wanted to say I wish you the best as well. I really feel you with just needing a place to lay your head, food to eat and gainful employment.
We have become so broken down by our PDs that we just want the basics, and to be free of their craziness right?
Good luck and let us know how you're doing.

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Skippyd

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Re: I'm afraid I can't afford to get divorced
« Reply #4 on: August 20, 2017, 04:14:48 PM »
Thank you, mint.  I totally realize that my situation could be a lot more difficult if I had children with me and I didn't have a high paying job.  I admire the work you are doing to find safety and health.  It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders!

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tenlongyears

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Re: I'm afraid I can't afford to get divorced
« Reply #5 on: August 29, 2017, 04:15:46 PM »
Mint, I can relate on many levels and am sorry you're in that position.  How long have you been together and how long has he been behaving like that?

 As things have gotten much worse, I have become more and more willing to leave and live under the most basic survival conditions versus keeping the standard of living I had.  If I have to do it without an attorney and pay the $350 and represent myself, so be it.  If I have to rent a 10x10 bedroom from someone for $500 a month and rebuild, that's what I will do.  I'm pointing out that my survival - life, wellness, and happiness needs- have been reduced to the most basic form possible because of how bad things keep getting.  I just need a place to lay my head at night, eat, and keep my job and I believe I can rebuild from there.
I created account just to quote these lines. It felt like some one wrote them on my behalf. My survival has been left to most basic form. I'm willing to rent 10X10 room just to lay my head and eat peacefully.

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Mintstripes

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Re: I'm afraid I can't afford to get divorced
« Reply #6 on: August 29, 2017, 04:18:53 PM »
Mint, I can relate on many levels and am sorry you're in that position.  How long have you been together and how long has he been behaving like that?

 As things have gotten much worse, I have become more and more willing to leave and live under the most basic survival conditions versus keeping the standard of living I had.  If I have to do it without an attorney and pay the $350 and represent myself, so be it.  If I have to rent a 10x10 bedroom from someone for $500 a month and rebuild, that's what I will do.  I'm pointing out that my survival - life, wellness, and happiness needs- have been reduced to the most basic form possible because of how bad things keep getting.  I just need a place to lay my head at night, eat, and keep my job and I believe I can rebuild from there.
I created account just to quote these lines. It felt like some one wrote them on my behalf. My survival has been left to most basic form. I'm willing to rent 10X10 room just to lay my head and eat peacefully.

So sorry  :bighug:
Any chance of finding that peace soon?

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Mintstripes

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Re: I'm afraid I can't afford to get divorced
« Reply #7 on: September 13, 2017, 05:01:03 PM »
I'm panicking about money again. I had an interview this week. The pay isn't enough for me to cover childcare and rent, life expenses.
I can't find any jobs that pay what I'd need. Rent is so expensive here. I don't know what to do. I feel like total failure of a human being, I've had a hard day and I'm slipping into self-hating mode.

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Me_Again

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Re: I'm afraid I can't afford to get divorced
« Reply #8 on: September 13, 2017, 07:48:43 PM »
I'm panicking about money again. I had an interview this week. The pay isn't enough for me to cover childcare and rent, life expenses.
I can't find any jobs that pay what I'd need. Rent is so expensive here. I don't know what to do. I feel like total failure of a human being, I've had a hard day and I'm slipping into self-hating mode.

Can you move to a less expensive area?  What about government assistance? Is there any job that you could do from home? 

You are NOT a failure!  You are a strong woman and mother who is doing everything she can to make sure her child is in a safe and loving environment.

Hugs to you.

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Mintstripes

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Re: I'm afraid I can't afford to get divorced
« Reply #9 on: September 13, 2017, 08:07:23 PM »
I'm panicking about money again. I had an interview this week. The pay isn't enough for me to cover childcare and rent, life expenses.
I can't find any jobs that pay what I'd need. Rent is so expensive here. I don't know what to do. I feel like total failure of a human being, I've had a hard day and I'm slipping into self-hating mode.

Can you move to a less expensive area?  What about government assistance? Is there any job that you could do from home? 

You are NOT a failure!  You are a strong woman and mother who is doing everything she can to make sure her child is in a safe and loving environment.

Hugs to you.

Thanks.
I've been trying to find a remote job for ages but they're really rare. It's SO frustrating. I can't move, I live in one of the most expensive places in the world. There are some government programs but they won't pay my rent, obviously. The childcare would literally be almost half my monthly take home salary. There are some childcare subsidies but they usually are for kids older than my DD.
I feel like everywhere I turn there's a brick wall. 
I don't want to take the wrong job and go from the frying pan into the fire.

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BobWiley

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Re: I'm afraid I can't afford to get divorced
« Reply #10 on: September 13, 2017, 08:41:12 PM »
So sorry for everything you are going through. I don't know enough about your specific situation to suggest anything practical-- daycare is horrifyingly expensive especially in big cities. Are you open to relocating? Do you have family that can assist you with child care? The person you met before who assists people wanting to leave your husbands church, does she know anyone that could help?
I'm afraid I don't have much in the way of concrete suggestions. But we're all here for you, and please remember this: you didn't cause this. It's not anything to do with your qualities or abilities as a person. We live in a society with enormous social problems, vast inequality, that treats women and children very badly. None of this is your fault. You can and will find a way out. Keep talking to us!

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Mintstripes

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Re: I'm afraid I can't afford to get divorced
« Reply #11 on: September 13, 2017, 09:20:38 PM »
So sorry for everything you are going through. I don't know enough about your specific situation to suggest anything practical-- daycare is horrifyingly expensive especially in big cities. Are you open to relocating? Do you have family that can assist you with child care? The person you met before who assists people wanting to leave your husbands church, does she know anyone that could help?
I'm afraid I don't have much in the way of concrete suggestions. But we're all here for you, and please remember this: you didn't cause this. It's not anything to do with your qualities or abilities as a person. We live in a society with enormous social problems, vast inequality, that treats women and children very badly. None of this is your fault. You can and will find a way out. Keep talking to us!

Thank you!

What you say about inequality in society is so true. I have over a decade of work experience and a college degree, yet I'm still being offered entry level salaries and made to feel like I'm asking for too much when I ask for what I hope to earn.
I generally do well at interviews and am assertive about my salary expectations, but employers want everything for nothing these days. I also feel like I'm being discriminated against because I'm a woman (first strike) and I have a young child, so I can't sell my soul to the company like I did when I was single, childless and a new grad in my early 20's. I haven't even been out of the workforce that long (less than 2 yrs).

Edited:

Forgot some of your questions. I need to contact the person who helps people leave H's church. He's been escalating with the religion. Now he's got his pastor getting all his internet history so he can monitor what he looks at online (it's only on his phone and computer, not on mine. I've checked. But I'm still careful with covering my tracks). I did some digging while he wasn't home and discovered all this. Anyway, I will get in touch with the person tomorrow, maybe she can help with employment ideas or other things.
I don't have any family to help, unfortunately. I finally cut them off a year ago (NF, EM and NgcBro, they're a fab trio :/). They were horribly abusive. I was definitely groomed for abuse, as many of us here at OOTF were.
H is at Bible study almost every night of the week. He's gotten so obsessed with it. He's going to start going on Sunday nights, too. That'll be 5 days of bible study a week.
« Last Edit: September 13, 2017, 09:28:22 PM by Mintstripes »

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Mintstripes

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Re: I'm afraid I can't afford to get divorced
« Reply #12 on: September 13, 2017, 09:38:22 PM »
Guys, I just saw a religious dating site on H's browser history.
I don't understand? His pastor now gets all his internet history in a report. Presumably he's going to see it?
Unless he's in on it and they're trying to find him a more suitable wife?!  :aaauuugh:

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Me_Again

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Re: I'm afraid I can't afford to get divorced
« Reply #13 on: September 13, 2017, 10:29:34 PM »
Guys, I just saw a religious dating site on H's browser history.
I don't understand? His pastor now gets all his internet history in a report. Presumably he's going to see it?
Unless he's in on it and they're trying to find him a more suitable wife?!  :aaauuugh:

Are you able to tell when he started visiting that site?  Does the date coincide with this pastor monitoring your H's internet? Be really careful. This seems really weird with the pastor having this amount of control over your H. It's creepy, IMO.

Is there a reason you have to stay in the city you're currently in?  Can you consult with an attorney to find out exactly what your options are? Please take care. Don't leave your phone or other electronics anywhere that anyone else can get to them. Change all of your passwords for all of the sites you go to.

Please keep checking in.

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Mintstripes

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Re: I'm afraid I can't afford to get divorced
« Reply #14 on: September 13, 2017, 11:38:07 PM »
Guys, I just saw a religious dating site on H's browser history.
I don't understand? His pastor now gets all his internet history in a report. Presumably he's going to see it?
Unless he's in on it and they're trying to find him a more suitable wife?!  :aaauuugh:

Are you able to tell when he started visiting that site?  Does the date coincide with this pastor monitoring your H's internet? Be really careful. This seems really weird with the pastor having this amount of control over your H. It's creepy, IMO.

Is there a reason you have to stay in the city you're currently in?  Can you consult with an attorney to find out exactly what your options are? Please take care. Don't leave your phone or other electronics anywhere that anyone else can get to them. Change all of your passwords for all of the sites you go to.

Please keep checking in.

It IS really creepy. I don't know when he started visiting the site but I know he logged in 3 times last night, and this was after his pastor got access to his internet activity. This is all SO weird.

I've been going ahead with lining up my ducks.
Not sure if I am allowed to relocate, I'll have to check. But I don't have anywhere else to go, I moved to this city to marry H. Socially isolated, I know... 

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Me_Again

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ŁRe: I'm afraid I can't afford to get divorced
« Reply #15 on: September 14, 2017, 06:00:27 AM »
It IS really creepy. I don't know when he started visiting the site but I know he logged in 3 times last night, and this was after his pastor got access to his internet activity. This is all SO weird.

I've been going ahead with lining up my ducks.
Not sure if I am allowed to relocate, I'll have to check. But I don't have anywhere else to go, I moved to this city to marry H. Socially isolated, I know...

If you know he's visited this site since the pastor has started monitoring his internet usage, then I think it's safe to assume that the pastor approves of it. Which is another level of creepy, IMO.

Many women with children relocate after a divorce. Please consult an attorney about this. Do you know anyone who works for an attorney or who is family members with an attorney or works in a law office? 

If you can relocate, then you EVERY PLACE to go! Perhaps you can relocate within a certain of miles from your H (that's what I'd have to do). There must be places within a certain number of miles that are cheaper to live in and with more affordable childcare. Or perhaps you're allowed to move anywhere. Perhaps you can start researching your state or county's laws regarding relocation with a minor child.

Stay safe.

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Me_Again

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Re: I'm afraid I can't afford to get divorced
« Reply #16 on: September 14, 2017, 07:07:58 AM »
I forgot to add that you've been conditioned to feel that you're isolated, to feel that you're stuck, to believe that you have no options. Once you know exactly what your legal rights are, you'll be able to start putting a plan together.

For example, what about spousal and child support? Since you live in a very expensive area, does that mean he has a well paying job? What about property? Does he own his own business? 

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Mintstripes

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Re: I'm afraid I can't afford to get divorced
« Reply #17 on: September 14, 2017, 10:31:19 AM »
I forgot to add that you've been conditioned to feel that you're isolated, to feel that you're stuck, to believe that you have no options. Once you know exactly what your legal rights are, you'll be able to start putting a plan together.

For example, what about spousal and child support? Since you live in a very expensive area, does that mean he has a well paying job? What about property? Does he own his own business?

I was told by various contacts not to expect much in terms of child support. His income is inconsistent and we can barely make ends meet. We have no assets or savings.

I'm in constant survival mode.

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Mintstripes

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Re: I'm afraid I can't afford to get divorced
« Reply #18 on: September 14, 2017, 11:22:39 AM »
Another thing he is hiding from me: he just enrolled in a religious class online by another (related) pastor. It's $600!!!
We're behind on rent, bills and everything and he's spending money on the religion. Unbelievable.

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BobWiley

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Re: I'm afraid I can't afford to get divorced
« Reply #19 on: September 14, 2017, 08:11:47 PM »
Here's something I learned from recruiters when I was on the job market last year: don't mention having a child during interview process. In many states it's illegal for an employer to ask you about your marital status or whether you have children.  Don't mention it if they don't ask. And If an interviewer does ask it's a big red flag. Also many married women don't wear a wedding ring to an interview. (Unless you have a tan line there and it looks like you took it off on purpose). Many employers are against women whom they know or suspect of having kids. You're not obligated to disclose this and there's no reason to make it easier for them to discriminate.