PDs who use religion to control you

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Mintstripes

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PDs who use religion to control you
« on: August 24, 2017, 03:41:02 PM »
Stbx does this.
He tries to use religion as a control tool. - He wants to control how our child is raised religiously (he has become extremely intense and absolutist in his views and refuses to compromise with me, saying I don't get to decide how she's raised).
- He uses religion as an excuse to try and pressure me to have more babies (he wants us to have as many babies as possible, says it's not the way of God to limit children, even though we are struggling financially and don't have the space, not to mention the state of our marriage)
- He's tried to unilaterally decide things based on so called religious excuses
- Claims that he has to listen to his religious leaders, doesn't ask me what I think
- He wants to control how I dress and how our daughter dresses in the future
- He has started a new thing with me, saying that girls can marry at age 16, because God made their bodies ready and "fully developed". I'm so appalled. When I disagree, he flys into a narc rage, telling me I don't respect him or his "culture" 
- he refuses to use a condom and thinks he can forbid me from going on the pill. He will only agree to certain birth control that's not as effective, and is putting major pressure on me to TTC within the next few months. We haven't been intimate in a while, I don't even feel like it because of how he's treating me and because I've decided to leave

Edited to add details
« Last Edit: August 24, 2017, 03:43:48 PM by Mintstripes »

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PinkDress

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Re: PDs who use religion to control you
« Reply #1 on: August 25, 2017, 01:45:00 PM »
I like your using the term, "religion" here because that's all your stbx has- religion. Those who have a real relationship with God would never exhibit these controlling behaviors, even if their beliefs were of having lots of kids and so on. They'd pray with their partner for God's will, be gentle, loving, and so on. All of things your stbx is NOT.

My heart aches that you're in this situation. 😔
"In the long run, the sharpest weapon of all is a kind and gentle spirit." Anne Frank

"God sees people as His own treasures, so be careful how you treat them."

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142757

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Re: PDs who use religion to control you
« Reply #2 on: August 25, 2017, 02:22:19 PM »
Not suggesting you do this because I don't have enough info.......but if he is so strong in following his religion would going to his leaders about his behavior help in the situation? Like you noted, PD's are notorious for piously picking which parts of their religion they like and ignoring the ones they don't. His church/temple/mosque etc may be appalled he is using their faith as a blunt object.
"Somedays you just can't get rid of a bomb."

Adam West (Batman)
9/19/28 - 6/10/17

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foggyme

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Re: PDs who use religion to control you
« Reply #3 on: August 25, 2017, 11:31:38 PM »
Mintstripes, what you said sounds really bad. Please take care or yourself and don't allow him to get you pregnant - you can also do a 'scan' of your emergency contraception options so that, if it happens, you have a way out. I am saying this because I heard that there are places even in modern day US where these are not so easily accessible.
Take care.

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Mintstripes

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Re: PDs who use religion to control you
« Reply #4 on: August 26, 2017, 12:35:45 AM »
Thanks everyone. As for birth control, I'm on it and have been for months due to his behavior. After a narc rage several months ago (he stormed out of the house at 3am then punished me by staying out late the next day without telling me where) I decided that I had had enough and had to protect myself from getting pregnant.

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InHidingWithMacSeth

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Re: PDs who use religion to control you
« Reply #5 on: September 06, 2017, 12:22:57 AM »
My father was like this. We would get regular beatings because we were being children in church. You know, no attention span. It was like a thing, and because for him it was normal, it became so normal to me that the first time I ever remember not getting hit after church I was like, really proud of myself. He did the sort of stuff you are describing to my mother, I am sure, because I remember when I was 10 or so hearing her talking to someone about how he doesn't believe in birth control, and wanted to have more kids after the twins, but she put her foot down and said no, for various reasons. She had chronic health issues, we were already on welfare with 6 kids, and of course, he wasn't actually helping do anything to raise us except punish us when he felt like it, take us to church and drill whatever he wanted into our heads. We couldn't participate in Halloween at school or in the neighborhood, we couldn't watch Care Bears, Gummi Bears, Scooby Doo, My Little Pony, Teddy Ruxpin or Dungeons and Dragons. He was... scared we would... I don't even know. I swear, of us 3 girls we're all on the "agnostic witch spectrum". Anyway...

I hope you can keep yourself safe as you prepare to do what you need to. It sounds scary and volatile. I hope you have help and support from your family or friends or neighbors. I am curious though, what "religion" is this, if you don't mind? And, are you a follower/practioner? Were you before you met him? Do you think you still hold those beliefs? Be well. Be safe.
No one is a bottomless pit of giving, but some are bottomless pits of taking.

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AmericanWoman

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Re: PDs who use religion to control you
« Reply #6 on: September 18, 2017, 08:48:25 PM »
This is exactly what I HATE about Religion!  It was the RELIGIOUS people that had Jesus killed!  I have seen more so called "Religion" run people off.  Jesus said He came for the unsaved not the saved.

Don't let these people use this to try to control you, learn the word and go right back at them, Jesus said to take up your sword and if that means standing up to these folks trying to use this to control you then so be it - good for you!

The more I learn God's word the more I can handle people like this, when you tell them that it wasn't YOU that said so but GOD that said so well heck, they can't argue with that!

Look up what your dealing with in the back and learn it, knowledge is power!  :yeahthat:

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FiveForFighting

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Re: PDs who use religion to control you
« Reply #7 on: September 19, 2017, 08:52:42 AM »
It happens far too often. My uPDw uses this avenue with me and has for years. She uses the concept that I am supposed to be the biblical head of the household and I do affirm that is the case but she uses that to shame me when she perceives me to not be taking my proper place. I am supposed to be the leader. But I have felt the Lord gently share with me that, currently, there is no leadership vacancy in my home right now. In other words, there is already a leader in my home. And that leader is her (and her feelings). Her feelings are the authority in our home and always have been. I have attempted to take my place by leading, guiding in finances and other areas but she will not relinquish control in those areas. But when she begins to feel badly or begins to "flash" this topic will come up again and will be painted black and I do not protect her, provide for her, make her the priority and do not make her secure. I do not do my biblical duties. She will lay our her argument and then follow that up with the question.... "you understand you're not doing any of those things  for me dont you? "I dont think I expect too much, do you?"     :stars:

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AmericanWoman

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Re: PDs who use religion to control you
« Reply #8 on: September 24, 2017, 08:34:20 PM »
My mother did that to my father FiveForFighting.  When she finally did relinquish the house to him she complained daily that he screwed everything up.  I know he kept her from worrying about things and did a good job with the money they had but nothing was good enough and it was his fault. 

Just a heads up, sometimes folks can't win no matter what. 


It happens far too often. My uPDw uses this avenue with me and has for years. She uses the concept that I am supposed to be the biblical head of the household and I do affirm that is the case but she uses that to shame me when she perceives me to not be taking my proper place. I am supposed to be the leader. But I have felt the Lord gently share with me that, currently, there is no leadership vacancy in my home right now. In other words, there is already a leader in my home. And that leader is her (and her feelings). Her feelings are the authority in our home and always have been. I have attempted to take my place by leading, guiding in finances and other areas but she will not relinquish control in those areas. But when she begins to feel badly or begins to "flash" this topic will come up again and will be painted black and I do not protect her, provide for her, make her the priority and do not make her secure. I do not do my biblical duties. She will lay our her argument and then follow that up with the question.... "you understand you're not doing any of those things  for me dont you? "I dont think I expect too much, do you?"     :stars:

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Cascade

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Re: PDs who use religion to control you
« Reply #9 on: October 11, 2017, 10:30:26 AM »
I just posted something that my husband did in another thread in here that I think might fall into this category.

 My husband tells people in our church personal things about our marriage, mostly for attention and sympathy, but also as a way to control me, by threatening to tell them things if I don't do such and such.

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MIB

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Re: PDs who use religion to control you
« Reply #10 on: December 27, 2017, 05:38:04 PM »
Oh man, I've heard "honour Thy mother and father" (both of whom are uPD) so many times I want to yack...  :barfy:

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bulletin

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Re: PDs who use religion to control you
« Reply #11 on: December 28, 2017, 01:06:09 AM »
My NM doesn't use religion to the same extent that Mintstripes' sbtx does (sounds really tough, I'm sorry you have to go through it). She does however tend towards conspiracy theories and some paranormal beliefs. Totally fine, anyone is entitled to their belief, but the problem is that anyone who disagrees with her must.be.destroyed.

When I was younger I used to question or try to nuance her conspiracy theories. Obviously it never worked out well. When I finally realised she is totally delusional was during a dinner with sister+boyfriends, when she would just go on and on about one particular conspiracy topic. She really worked herself up and no one else was allowed to speak. The entire evening she had hogged the spotlight and gotten irritated if we talked about anything that didn't involve her, interrupting me and getting irritated with me if I didn't include her in the conversation. Finally I got tired of it and asked if we could talk about something else. I can't explain the look she got on her face - like I was her worst enemy. She was so deeply offended she couldn't speak. I left the dinner, went NC for the first time with her and we didn't speak for 2+ years. I realised then and there that she was actually mentally ill and delusional.

She uses these beliefs as control mechanisms to make her children agree with her. She doesn't allow her children to disagree with her politically, intellectually or spiritually. I assume her ego is super fragile and unstable, as she can't hold an opinion on her own without forcing it upon us. She needs an echo chamber around her and her children are easy targets. I don't think she understands that we are other people, that there is a boundary between her and us. Her boundaries are blurred. To her, if her children disagree it means she is wrong and that hurts. Narcissists can't face that they're wrong.

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DJCleo

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Re: PDs who use religion to control you
« Reply #12 on: January 12, 2018, 08:25:15 PM »
I just watched a Lifetime Movie today. Guilty pleasure... it was called "Sinister Minister" and the main male character reminded me of the psychopath Dexter... he was a minister though.


Religion can be used to control others by also being a religious chameleon. There's tons of people who act religious, but they don't truly "walk the walk" of faith.

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UsedUp

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Re: PDs who use religion to control you
« Reply #13 on: February 25, 2018, 04:36:06 AM »
All I can say is that the worst treatment I've experienced from people,  FOO included, was by so called 'religious ' people.

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DandelionDew

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Re: PDs who use religion to control you
« Reply #14 on: February 25, 2018, 09:10:18 AM »
I think PDs will use any prop to abuse, manipulate, and control their victims. Religion is just another prop for them.

It's funny in a sick sort of way, but my Nsis used to be majorly religious before getting back in contact with me eight years ago (we hadn't had any contact since our father's funeral before that). She found out I was atheist, and suddenly, she was atheist too. But of course, she was going to be a "better" atheist than I am, and forbade her children from even being friends with religious people. We live in the Bible Belt, so that pretty much destroyed her kids' social lives. I guess that was the point-that, and being "atheist" gives her an excuse to look down on and make fun of religious people. 

Doesn't the Bible have a line in it somewhere about "know them by their fruits"? Maybe that should be applied to all people who profess a certain belief (or dis-belief).