Not trans, just a narc

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Not trans, just a narc
« on: September 05, 2017, 01:14:57 PM »
I get that there's a lot of shame in being trans, but I think that she just felt shame and attached it to something. She got to know a few trans people online and essentially decided that it was the right thing for her. No matter what, I supported her, if she wanted to stay a boy or become a woman, I was fine and also still rather attracted to her. When I asked her things about how she felt concerning her gender, she would say things like "I hate myself. I hate being a boy. Being a girl will be better than being what I am now." For a long time my ex would tell me things like, she doesn't feel like part of "the trans community" and that she didn't feel "trans enough". And after her final surgery, she said she didn't feel much different. She didn't feel any more like a woman. She still hated her body. The whole oh woe is me trip goes on and on... and I let her tell me as much as she "needed" to- to vent, to get sympathy and empathy (can we say supply?) and I mostly didn't try to poke what seemed to be an already pretty pathetic and volatile situation.

I try not to judge. I'm 'the last' person to try to put people in a box, but for real, I don't think my ex is trans. Her mother and sister don't think this either. I think the self hate and trying to escape it led her to believe that if she switched something as base as her gender that she might not feel the same self-loathing that she has always described to me, and also because I do think she has BPD as well, that this sense of being lost, unsure, this total lack of identity that she has eluded to, and sense of a lack of belonging to anything she has told me about, has made her look for something to belong to, which led to her latching onto IDing as trans.

I don't think there is any wrong reason to change genders, per se', I always answered the questions of "why" with "why does it matter?" Anything even as simple as "I just want to be a boy/girl" seems fair enough to me, but I am sort of sad that she hated herself so seriously that she felt a need to change her body like that. That really must suck.

Anyone else?????
No one is a bottomless pit of giving, but some are bottomless pits of taking.

*This message brought to you by someone recovering from toxicity.


Thru the Rain

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Re: Not trans, just a narc
« Reply #1 on: September 05, 2017, 06:17:09 PM »
I have (had) a friend who transitioned from male to female. I say "had" because I could no longer absorb all the negativity and "woe is me" coming from her.

She is the only transgendered person I know personally, so I can't generalize. But she sounds a lot like your ex. She seemed to need something that wasn't her fault to blame for any and all problems.

The most sad thing of all is that transitioning didn't "solve" any of her problems, and today she seems just as anxious, negative and depressed as before her transition. I compare it to someone saying "all my problems would be solved if only I could....." Fill in the blank with lose weight, go back to college, have a baby, etc, only in her case it was transition to female.

Even as I'm writing this, I don't think this is a transgender thing - I think it's a human thing.  Imagining that there is a magic "something" outside of ourselves that will solve all our problems.