Detachment

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momnthefog

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Detachment
« on: September 09, 2017, 12:43:57 AM »
One of the books I like to recommend is "When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us" by Jane Adams, Phd.

The author's personal experience is with a drug addicted son, but I believe her work is just as valuable to parents living with an adult child with mental illness. 

I've read this book several times and every time I find something different that speaks to me.

A quote from my reading today.

"Detachment is our only hope for living a different relationship with our kids instead of clinging in vain to an old one.  Detachment isn't a byproduct of too many years of pain and disappointment, although that's how it may seem; it's a conscious choice, the expression of our own will to survive.  And while it may seem like a lonely stance, what it really is is the decision to put an end to our suffering and lay down the burden of our disappointment."

hugs to each of you,

momnthefog


"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

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notrightinthehead

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Re: Detachment
« Reply #1 on: September 09, 2017, 04:45:17 AM »
Good one! And it applies to partners and parents too. Letting them be in a respectful and kind way while taking care of oneself.

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Bloomie

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Re: Detachment
« Reply #2 on: September 09, 2017, 12:13:57 PM »
Good one! And it applies to partners and parents too. Letting them be in a respectful and kind way while taking care of oneself.

Just what I was thinking when I read this momnthefog. Sounds like a great book.
Bloomie 🌸

The reality is that you cannot have an emotionally mature reciprocal mutual adult relationship with someone who is not emotionally and psychologically an adult.

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Summer Sun

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Re: Detachment
« Reply #3 on: September 10, 2017, 09:18:49 PM »
Momnthefog, I've read this book, it is really enlightening.  Unfortunately, I need to re-read it, and now.

I'm still processing the last visit with DD and her family.  Disappointment are now intergenerational.  It appears entitlement issues are heritary? Disrespect, disregard, lack of consideration and manners are contagious.  And, the NC with the potential uPDd and her uN partner has infiltrated too other DD and her family - I suspect due to smear campaign and reinventing history.  Lots of baleshifting and vilifying the victim.

Too long a story, but it looks like pain med addiction is problematic with each daughter, though in individual stages of spiral.  And I have now spiralled back into depression post visit after just gaining some ground post NC with FOO.  It is all too much to bear, I am dust.  Back to the book I must go.

SS
"The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference" - Elie Wiesel

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Gardener

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Re: Detachment
« Reply #4 on: March 31, 2018, 11:26:05 AM »
"Detachment is our only hope for living a different relationship with our kids instead of clinging in vain to an old one.  Detachment isn't a byproduct of too many years of pain and disappointment, although that's how it may seem; it's a conscious choice, the expression of our own will to survive.  And while it may seem like a lonely stance, what it really is is the decision to put an end to our suffering and lay down the burden of our disappointment."

Thank you for this reminder!  It is so hard to remember to take care  of myself first most of the time.  I have to repeat it to myself over and over in the car as I drive away from the house and my DD and her emotional highs and lows.

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SicilianDarling

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Re: Detachment
« Reply #5 on: June 28, 2018, 02:52:45 AM »
This is great.  Thank you for that insight.  We keep going back and forth with the choices of having a heavily involved, volatile relationship or having a broken heart with her gone.  What a concept - to create a different relationship with her, not end it altogether...a healthy one that does not enable her or leave us in the FOG.