How has the PD relationship changed how you relate?

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InHidingWithMacSeth

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How has the PD relationship changed how you relate?
« on: September 11, 2017, 09:01:38 AM »
It will be interesting to see if the responses are clustered- like that there are clear patterns for those married to someone with PD vs a child of someone with PD, (or do we all marry someone with PD because our parent was? light-hearted chuckle)

OR to see if your PD affects you the same as someone else whose PD relationship in their life is the same- BPD, NPD, ASPD.

Or maybe there is no correlation at all. Does anyone know if there is research on this?

ANYWAY- the big way that I can see right now, 1 year out from being separated from my ustbxBPD/NPDw is that I don't argue the same. I used to stand up for myself very well and used to be able to carry out very fair, rational, functional, calm conversations. In fact, the first argument my BF and I got into, he remarked at how calm and gentle I was despite him knowing how angry I was and that he liked it. Well, that time has passed and randomly I shut down. I don't cry, I don't know what to say, I don't want to fight, I am afraid that the argument is going to get circular, I am going to get yelled at and reamed a new one and belittled. I start thinking that relationships aren't supposed to be this hard and they aren't worth it. This is typically over medium-importance things. Things that exemplify where the other person's thoughts, feelings, boundaries, morals or expectations are at, which is the real problem, but that the incident itself isn't so big or awful. I find myself in this situation from time to time and I don't function well at all because I am left with this feeling of "Am I trying to change this other person over to my way of thinking?"... and to be honest, I am not sure whether or not that is healthy...
No one is a bottomless pit of giving, but some are bottomless pits of taking.

*This message brought to you by someone recovering from toxicity.

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DJCleo

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Re: How has the PD relationship changed how you relate?
« Reply #1 on: September 30, 2017, 06:08:52 PM »
Somewhat and sometimes. It's mostly just the feeling sometimes that it's tough to relax and realize that some people just are busy and not cutting you out of their lives. I can cognitively tell you that people are busy, but my heart and emotional mind have a harder time accepting that people are just busy and not ignoring me. I'd have to say that's that's one way that having. PD on my life affects how I relate to others.

It's super awkward in my mind when I'm around SIL and her husband. I wonder a lot about if they really care about me because they treat BPD MIL like nothing is wrong unless SIL occasionally needs to yell at BPD MIL. They still go over together to see my in laws, but BPD MIL doesn't want me there and acts out and my husband is working on it, but what's the point of making a scene so I don't go.


Anyway, it just makes me a little insecure at times, but mostly just with my in laws. However, I think that I am getting better at realizing that my SIL and her husband and even FIL know that they didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it... so it's a process. We all care about each other, but then there's BPD MIL...

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newlife33

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Re: How has the PD relationship changed how you relate?
« Reply #2 on: October 02, 2017, 10:23:11 AM »
It's been like I had to re-raise myself.  I don't know if this analogy but I will try to explain what I am going through after growing up with an entire family filled with PD's.

So have you ever seen one of those scales that has a plate on each side?  Imagine one of those scales and label it "Relationships".  One side of the scale is "Toxic" and the other side is "Healthy".  I feel like when we are under the influence of PD's we have all the weight on the toxic side.  It dominates our lives and holds us down.  On the healthy side there is nothing.  No weight, just up in the air lost and empty.   

As you start breaking away and learning, and some of the weights from the toxic side dissapear, and some new weights appear and help to add strength to the "healthy" side.  We want all the weight gone from the toxic side right away, but the longer we have lived with PD people, the more shitty toxic weight we have.  we just have to keep going sllllllllooooowwwwwlllly.  Eliminating PD shit and replacing it with healthy things.  Then one day it becomes even.  We are healthy but also toxic, and that is an *awful* place to be, which is where I feel I am now. 

Then one day, hopefully soon the healhy relationships have all the weight and the toxic side has almost nothing.  And even if a few toxic weights get on, you have so much on the healthy side it is impossible to shake you.

IDK, that's how I see it in my head :)