Restoring Relationship with Adult Narcissistic Son

  • 3 Replies
  • 347 Views
*

sadlee

  • New Member
  • *
  • 4
Restoring Relationship with Adult Narcissistic Son
« on: September 11, 2017, 03:12:05 PM »
I'm divorced from a narcissistic spouse and I believe my adult son through nature and nurture has developed many of the narcissistic traits of his father. Over a year ago, my son had "committed" to speak at a relatives funeral and at the last minute after all family members had arrived from out of town to be there, my son backs out and does not come.  The family had to make alternative arrangements.  I said to my son Why do you always commit to things that you cant do.  I guess that was like the unpardonable comment.  By the way, his father, me, and his sister have all loaned him money that he wont repay.  He moves from job to job every year because he is impatient to get to the next level and doesn't think he is valued.  I could go on and on.  Anyway, son has not talked to me responded to texts, emails, phone calls, a letter in over a year.  I have 3 grandchildren that he is isolating from me.  His wife talks to me and lets me talk to grandkids but she "protects" him and we really don't discuss the elephant in the room.  She is stay at home mom, so she is financially dependent on him.  She is afraid to rock the boat. So I don't hold out much hope to see my new grand child.  Would love to know how to crack the cold facade he
portrays. I really don't think he would care if I lived or died at this point.  Went through health scare earlier this year and no phone call nothing.  Also just went through epic flooding event that made national and probably international news.  Zip nothing not a word.  I'm sure he would be there to collect the inheritance though.         

*

Defiant

  • New Member
  • *
  • 9
Re: Restoring Relationship with Adult Narcissistic Son
« Reply #1 on: September 11, 2017, 06:04:58 PM »
Sadlee, I am so sorry to hear of your family circumstances. It is always difficult when a personality disordered person leaves without giving closure, especially when its a sibling, parent or your own child- those are the worst cases. It sounds like your son does not follow through on social commitments, and for whatever reason does not feel obligation to pay back loans or follow through on his past agreements.

Since your son is an adult and also a father, I think that it is safe to assume that unless he is actively in therapy, he will NOT change. Accepting this is a long grieving process because you have spent so much time raising him and now his emotional development is stunted. The rest of his life and choices are no longer in your hands and are not your burden to bare. He is not a child and is likely very set in his ways.

Unfortunately there isn't any way you can "crack the cold facade". You mentioned that he has not responded to any calls, texts, emails and a letter in the past year. It must be extremely frustrating, anxious and hurtful. At this point I would recommend not trying to contact him. It would help you with the acceptance process and healing. You deserve happiness and attempting contact with someone is re-opening the wound when they repeatedly ignore and dismiss your attempts. Narcissistic discard is meant to cause confusion, sadness, depression and hopelessness- it would be healthier for you to assess the situation based on actions alone. His actions say everything and his words mean nothing.
Also, you said that your daughter in law will still talk to you- and that you do not discuss the issue about your son. This is valuable that you are able to maintain an independent relationship and still talk with your grandchildren via phone. I would continue to nourish the relationship that you have with her in a healthy, respectful and loving way. It sounds like she will be your best bet at seeing your grandchildren, but in the narcissistic dance, you will have to be careful with the boundaries/limitations that they may set. When the grandchildren become adults, your situation will be so much better.

Hang in there and stay strong! <3

*

momnthefog

  • Host Member
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • 751
Re: Restoring Relationship with Adult Narcissistic Son
« Reply #2 on: September 12, 2017, 11:33:50 AM »
sadlee,

Welcome to the Parents' Discussion. 

I have a BPDd and she has my only grandchild.  My relationship with her is strained.  She has trashed me on social media, at our former church, with my friends.  She has with held the grandchild.  I never know where I stand with her and frankly I don't care any more.  What I care about is doing the best I can by my grandchild. 

Since you've been married to someone with a PD, you know (only too well) what life is like...walking on eggshells, one-way relationships, lies, manipulation, self-serving behaviors, entitlement.....

I suspect your DIL knows something is off, but feels trapped as you said.  I would continue to do what you can to maintain the relationship with the DIL.  Personally, I would stop reaching out to him.  As much as you are able focus on your relationship with the grandchildren through the daughter.  Do they live close enough that you can meet at the park?  Can you send pics or letters?  Small gifts?

I'm sure there are other grandparents here who will chime in with their stories and wisdom.

Hugs,

momnthefog



"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

*

sadlee

  • New Member
  • *
  • 4
Re: Restoring Relationship with Adult Narcissistic Son
« Reply #3 on: September 12, 2017, 01:58:21 PM »
Thanks momnthefog for your comments.  Unfortunately they live 1,000 miles away so I don't get the chance to see them.  It has been almost 2 years. I'm going to ask my daughter-in-law if I can buy the 2 older grandchildren a children's IPad.  I've been told you can text and even talk to someone who has IPad.  Right now I am dependent on reaching my daughter in law on her cell phone to talk to them.  I would like to have regular conversations with the grand kids so that they know who I am.  My son was formerly in seminary and had plans to go into the ministry.  So he knows better than this.  I don't know if his motives for being in ministry were appropriate?  But if someone does not have empathy or know how to express it, then I wouldn't think ministry was a good vocation for them to be in.  Ironically, he is now working in state government.  I had a counselor tell me that pastors and politicians are the two most common professions that narcissists are involved in.  So he seems to be batting 1000 on that.