Nice gesture or total lack of respect?!

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daughterofbpd

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Re: Nice gesture or total lack of respect?!
« Reply #15 on: September 13, 2017, 12:43:11 PM »
Your mom says that she won't bother you again if you don't agree to meet but that doesn't mean you can't contact her in the future. I think you can take a time out, as long as you need, then take it upon yourself to contact her in the future, if you decide that you want to reconnect. I don't think any decision at this point has to be permanent.
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego”
~ Amanda Torroni

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Bloomie

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Re: Nice gesture or total lack of respect?!
« Reply #16 on: September 13, 2017, 12:58:24 PM »
free_thoughts - it is very important that you have talked with your T around this latest contact from your mom and if/when/how to respond. We can weigh in and support and even give an opinion if asked, but ultimately it isn't us who are risking these relationships or walking in your shoes.

I really like the idea of you responding simply because it puts you in the position to use your voice in response to your mom's email. You do not have to give over to any kind of sense of finality or urgency that your mother may have been trying to stir up. It is empowered to respond with a simple message that you are considering all that she said and need some time to come to some conclusions about your relationship and are not ready to meet face to face at this time.

The reality is that it seems your mom is not capable of sustaining or tolerating certain healthy behaviors within a family like telling the truth, each taking responsibility for themselves, setting limits and so on. You are at a fork in the road in this relationship and taking your time to make decisions about how you want to go forward, assessing the risks and potential loss of other important relationships in your life are all part of where you are at. It is wisdom to take it slow and fully consider the path forward.
Bloomie 🌸
"Some people really don't get it, that we matter as much as they do." Moglow
"It takes emotional maturity to maintain decent relationships." Spring Butterfly

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illogical

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Re: Nice gesture or total lack of respect?!
« Reply #17 on: September 13, 2017, 05:10:06 PM »
Basically, your mother is trying to put you in a "no-win" situation by giving you two bad options:  either you meet with her and not address the elephant in the room, or you don't, and she "won't trouble you again".

I like Bloomie's idea--

...I really like the idea of you responding simply because it puts you in the position to use your voice in response to your mom's email. You do not have to give over to any kind of sense of finality or urgency that your mother may have been trying to stir up. It is empowered to respond with a simple message that you are considering all that she said and need some time to come to some conclusions about your relationship and are not ready to meet face to face at this time.


I also agree that you are at a crossroads-- and you have to be the one to decide what level of contact (if any) you want with your mother and what type of relationship you can tolerate with her.

And as daughterofbpd posted, just because your mother implies she won't contact you if you don't respond, doesn't mean you can't contact her in the future.  I wouldn't put a whole lot of stock in her words to you.  What I mean is that just because she says she won't bother you if you decide not to respond, it doesn't mean she won't.  My NM tried to play that game with me.  After I called her out on her behavior, she said "Have a nice life.  I won't bother you anymore."  It was total bs.  I really think your mother just wants things her way and she's trying to say to you that "it's her way or the highway".  But there might be room for something in between you "going along to get along" and NC.  That's what you have to discover for yourself, in tandem with your T.  Every case is different.

I agree with the posters who advise to take your time and not feel pressured.  I think a simple response like Bloomie described would allow you some control over the situation, allow to realize that you don't have to follow your mother's dictate here.  There are other options and it's up to you to decide how you want to react.  Your mother cannot take that away from you-- how you proceed here and how you react.  She doesn't get to control that.  That is totally under your control. 
"This time I would choose to err on the side of illogic.  I had to trust intuition, and plunge as I had never plunged before, with blind faith." 
Dean Koontz, Forever Odd

"You will only be understood by those who care to understand."

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daughterofbpd

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Re: Nice gesture or total lack of respect?!
« Reply #18 on: September 14, 2017, 03:26:29 PM »
And as daughterofbpd posted, just because your mother implies she won't contact you if you don't respond, doesn't mean you can't contact her in the future.  I wouldn't put a whole lot of stock in her words to you.  What I mean is that just because she says she won't bother you if you decide not to respond, it doesn't mean she won't.  My NM tried to play that game with me.  After I called her out on her behavior, she said "Have a nice life.  I won't bother you anymore."  It was total bs.  I really think your mother just wants things her way and she's trying to say to you that "it's her way or the highway".  But there might be room for something in between you "going along to get along" and NC.  That's what you have to discover for yourself, in tandem with your T.  Every case is different.
Haha. Yeah, my mom once told me she would never text me again. I think that lasted all of 1 or 2 days.  :doh:
“How starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your ego”
~ Amanda Torroni