I don't even know where to begin

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acc1984

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I don't even know where to begin
« on: September 12, 2017, 10:51:03 AM »
I'm writing on behalf of my fiance who was a PDh. They have 4 children together and were married for 13 years before she took off to be a flight attendant and didn't come back for 2 years. In the time she was gone they divorced and she saw the kids very sporadically. PDh and I met a few years ago and got engaged this past February. There were adjustments with the kids, of course, but my integration with the kids was alarmingly smooth.  After our engagement PDw immediately moved home with her boyfriend (with whom she cheated on my fiance). I moved in with my fiance and the kids in June and they rented a house literally down the street from us July 1. Since her relocation the kids have begun running away, destroying property (at her suggestion). She gave the two oldest secret cell phones to use for recording us (the oldest instigated a fight with me, recorded the whole thing then ran off to her house and we haven't seen or heard from him since), taking pictures of my fiance's medication and sending them to her, sharing the door code for our home and the times we would be gone so the oldest son could come in and turn bedroom doorknobs around (we were accused of physical abuse and of locking them in their rooms). The list goes on and on. I am new to dealing directly with PDs. This website and forum is a GODSEND. I'm so thankful to have found it.
« Last Edit: September 13, 2017, 10:12:14 AM by Bloomie »

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Stepping lightly

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Re: I don't even know where to begin
« Reply #1 on: September 12, 2017, 11:22:12 AM »
Hi ACC,

Welcome!  Your situation sounds pretty tough!  I had a few questions after reading through your post;

- You said PDh- maybe I'm misreading, but is your fiance PD as well?
- How old are the kids?  Seems as though the oldest 2 are doing the most to create chaos?
-If everything was going smoothly until mom arrived in town, have you talked to the kids about it?  Any idea why they have this sudden allegiance to her specifically?
- what is the custody split?
- have you considered therapy for the kids?  They are probably dealing with a lot having a mother that basically abandoned them, then she returns right when you become permanent, and now they surely have loyalty issues.

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acc1984

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Re: I don't even know where to begin
« Reply #2 on: September 12, 2017, 12:16:34 PM »
Sorry, no, my fiancee is NOT a PD. I'm new to all of this terminology. His ex was never diagnosed (as is so hard to do) but her mother has been and her sister is Bi-polar.
The kids are 16, 13, 12, and 8. Yes, the two older ones have been zeroed in on but the younger two have recently started acting out as well. The 16 year old is a tough case (he recently went to go live with her) because he knows all of the history. HE was actually the one that caught his mom cheating on my fiancee (and told him) and he used to have to be dragged from the house to go with her the few times she came back to town to spend time with them. He has always had trouble in school and my fiancee cracked down on expectations and consequences this past spring and over the summer. When she moved back she began telling him things like "school isn't that important" and  "Your dad is too hard on you." From what we can tell he pretty much as the run of town when he's with her so I would have gone to live with her too!!
I'm new to the concept of Parental Alienation but it seems she has been hard at work turning the kids (first against their dad then me). I think part of the rapid change in allegiance was because she was gone for so long. I think they're convinced that she'll leave again if they don't do what she wants them to do (turn their backs on their dad). She has had the younger boys calling her boyfriend "daddy" and works pretty hard to turn her house into Disneyland when they're there.
My fiancee currently has primary residential custody. The kids are with us Sunday evening-Friday morning and she has them Friday-Sunday.
The kids have been in therapy ever since she left town (so going on 4 years). I think it helps some but they seem to have been so manipulated that they literally just lock up and won't talk about serious issues. The therapist has also come to the conclusion that they are being coached (by her) on what to tell him. The last time they went to see him all 3 said they wanted their mom to "have full custody." Each used the exact wording and terminology (probably not age appropriate... especially for the 8 year old.)

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kazzak

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Re: I don't even know where to begin
« Reply #3 on: September 12, 2017, 01:41:11 PM »
Hi acc1984, thanks for clarifying.

My ex coached my son on what to say to the therapist. Unfortunately/fortunately a lot dynamics can play out in therapy.

Welcome to the forum. It does sound like a lot on your plate, and I'm glad that you found us and decided to join in. If you look at the links at the top, you will see Resources & Toolbox. That is a great place to start to get familiar with all the terminology, and there are a lot of useful tips in there to help improve the situation. You'll also find our Co-parenting and Secondary Relationships has a lot of similar situations where step parents and parents are trying to coparent with someone who has a personality disorder. It's not easy, but knowing you are not alone and sharing experiences with others helps a lot. Keep on posting and letting us know how things are going, often others have experienced the same thing and can provide advice if not just a supportive ear. We're all in it together!!

More on Parent Alienation is at
http://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/10/21/alienation