Weepy with a realization...

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PinkDress

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Weepy with a realization...
« on: September 14, 2017, 01:14:29 AM »
The more I read about N behaviors, the more perfectly MIL fits. Tonight I read a lengthy detailing of how a narc mother operates. One quote stood out to me in light of MIL ruining 3 once in a lifetime occasions for me,

"She will try to steal the spotlight or spoil any occasion where she is not the center of attention, particularly the child she has cast as the scapegoat."

I knew deep down and wondered if I had been cast as the SG for my H. Now I know. Now I know I'm not crazy, its solidified even more.

I need to make some bold statements...

-It was not okay for MIL to dominate over everyone for my DDs attention at MY second childs baby shower. It was NOT okay that MIL refused to join EVERYONE else for the prayer when prompted, but rather stayed pouting on the couch. Any mother in law should have been honored to be a part of a special moment of praying for a new grandchilds arrival, not refusing to join.

-It was NOT okay that MIL crashed my labor, despite my asking for that time alone with my H and even specifically telling her we'd be happy to see her soon after we'd had time alone to bond with the baby. It was NOT okay that she then played the victim when my H made her leave and made a lame excuse to leave soon after it was actually her time to visit. "Oh, I can't stay I have some things to do..." and then when directly asked by us what she had to go do, she fumbled over her words and came up with nothing. (Queen victim, trying to manufacture guilt in us.)

-It was NOT okay that after each of these cruel situations she'd send me texts as if NOTHING had happened, sent me flowers after the birth experience...all things that made me question, "Am I crazy?! Maybe she didn't mean harm..." NO, I've learned this is a part of the vicious N cycle of abuse...hoover ...abuse...hoover.

-It was NOT okay that my own H was pitted against me when all along my intuition KNEW that my MIL had something seriously going on. It was NOT okay that my marriage suffered at the hands of a greedy woman who couldn't stand to see ME happy.

-It was NOT okay that MIL brought 20ish gifts to my children's recent birthday party, rushed over at gift giving time, and repeatedly said, "Oh DD this is SPECIAL TO YOU FROM MAWMAW" loud and repetively, trying to take over gift giving time. It was NOT okay that after my friend rushed in to hand out gifts, asserting the boundary that MIL WILL NOT CONTROL THINGS, that MIL amped up her desperate interaction with my DD who just wanted to open her gifts without MIL constantly trying to talk to her!

And there are so many other not okay things that didn't revolve around special events, that I won't list.

-It was not okay that despite my trying so hard, spending so many nights literally sobbing and wondering what I'd done so wrong....that MIL did not stop. I had been cast as a SG in her mind and needed to get back in line. She knew what she was doing. Every. Single. Time. 😭😭😭😭😭

Reading that tonight clicked it all into place for me, and I'm laying here sobbing again under the heavy weight of that realization. Even after coming here so many times, I've inwardly battled a dialogue of, "Oh maybe she didn't mean that, or did it because of XYZ reasons..." because I just can't imagine someone purposefully doing those things. NO. My MIL truly does have a PD and I could NEVER have done anything about it. She has sought to steal my motherhood and marriage, in the selfish pursuit of getting what SHE wants with my H and children.

Thank you to anyone who suffered through that. Your support always means everything to me. Sometimes we just need to use boards like this as a sounding board, reflecting and writing out our exact thoughts.
"In the long run, the sharpest weapon of all is a kind and gentle spirit." Anne Frank

"God sees people as His own treasures, so be careful how you treat them."

"No one warns you about the amount of mourning in growth."

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Love

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Re: Weepy with a realization...
« Reply #1 on: September 14, 2017, 10:57:13 AM »
I'm really sorry.  The pain that PD people runs very deep.  In fact, I think it is a rabbit hole that may not help to heal. I think so many of us here have similar experiences with these people,

I think you have mentioned in another post the stress and divisiveness this woman is capable of and how it's affecting your marriage and your relationship most likely with everyone in your life.  At least my mil did this to me, my marriage was nothing that I thought it would be.  DH and I were never focused fully on our family and what it takes to make a family healthy and work because all we knew was trying to fix and appease our relationship with his FOO (MIL, FIL, and SIL's).  I woke up one day and couldn't do it anymore.  I just was incapable of pretending, mending, fixing others.  The relationship with them and us simply did not work.  We weren't redeeming and changing these PD people, we only reflected them in an effort to "maintain the peace" and save my mil from her ever present victim mentality.

I think it's a rabbit hole for you to get stuck in if you focus on all she's done because I'm sure it's more than your conscious will let you see in order to stay sane.  I found the only thing that "fixed" my marriage, my FOC, myself was speaking the truth to my mil, my DH.  I risked the relationships because I was losing them anyway.  I was losing myself.  My DH never in 12 years allowed me to speak to his mom, even if it was about a simple compromise that seemingly would not be a big deal to anyone ever.  I think he realized he would lose me and we were already losing ourselves if he didn't allow me a voice. 

Sometimes, and not always, I think our DH has dealt with this so long, they don't know how to have a voice, and I had to show him.  I never yelled or called names but for the first time in my adult life I was an adult.  I spoke mainly about my hurt and how I needed things to change and my mil ripped off her mask and refused, and punished and threatened.  Mostly everything you think she will do, even if it's crazy, you're probably right.  She will most likely act horrible, she will definitely become the victim of your honesty.  My goal every time I spoke to mil my goal was to come from a place of things she could repair in order to rebuild a relationship.  This may seem harsh or ridiculous but the truth wasn't pretty, I didn't do anything wrong, and she was either going to choose to have a relationship with me or not.  She choose not and I have to accept it. 

My Dh wanted our marriage or he wanted to be roommates.  I just came to a point in which it was so enviable that was the only options left to us.  I am more than fortunate that he believed me, backed me and eventually joined me - however, this was not a clean, easy process, it was work, it was painful, but from where I stand now worth every second.

You can't force your DH to see if he's not ready, I started to resent him over the course of 12 years because the truth is HE DID KNOW.  What I mean is he did know all along there was something wrong with family, he knew they were the common denominator in all their issues.  HE WAS SCARED because he knew to bring the truth into the light would result in his abandonment, not a reconciliation.  He knew his mom's feeling and thoughts had to be reconciled before our own, and he knew she would never accept anything else. 

He admitted after a lot of turmoil both with me and FOO that he always knew it would end this way, or that he would be unhappy his whole life.  Sometimes it takes a person who sees to shine a light on other methods of dealing with this.  Literally, he didn't know who to stand up for himself, he felt guilty, he was scared. 

All I'm trying to say is sometimes looking at the problem won't help you, only in dealing with it did I heal or am still on the mend.  I just had to be ready to accept that we may not all make it out of it.  My goal was to give my mil an opportunity to change, not to change her.  I needed to change myself, not my Dh.  I did not need to change anyone or make anyone see, I just needed to FINALLY (12 years) react and change myself.  I couldn't live with myself anymore, who I had become to be accepted, not loved, not cared for, just accepted by DH's FOO, I wasn't willing to give my life to people anymore, I really think this is when I truly gave my life to God.  I always believed in God, but didn't live for Him.  I can't enable sin, and in my PD in law family you either look the other way or get shot.  I was not acting as a child of God in any way.  I realized I wasn't redeeming anyone, especially myself, I was reflecting my PD in-laws to fit in.  I do believe God didn't make us to fit in. 

I'm sorry if this sounds preachy, I really want you to know there is hope.  There is hope you don't have to spend your life being abused because I'm 99% sure your mil will keep abusing.  You have a choice.

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jbtalt6

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Re: Weepy with a realization...
« Reply #2 on: September 14, 2017, 12:40:05 PM »
Oh Pinkdress! You're so far ahead of the game knowing so early (compared to me) concerning WHO and WHAT you're dealing with! 31 years ago when it started for me and H, there was no internet, and I have no idea what was known or understood about personality disorders. It was in my nature to blame myself, and this situation with nMIL was no different. H and I didn't go NC "by choice." We went basically into hiding due to threats, stalking, flying monkeys (didn't know what they were at the time however), and nMIL's "weird and hateful" behavior. The priest that married H and I told us to "leave her to heaven" after counseling with all of us one time. He didn't even know how to deal with her.

Please, I beg of anyone reading this, don't lose 30 years of your life wasting time thinking or wondering about these Ns!  True, anyone with a conscience is not going to like "being mean" to their significant other's family. It's going to feel TOTALLY ABNORMAL going against your natural instincts to be nice and give repeated chances to people who WILL NOT CHANGE. You may need to cut them off totally, or there may be a way to have VLC with them...you will need guidance to decide what works best for your family. But if after soul and heart-searching you and your spouse/significant other decide going NC is the only way to save yourselves and your family, do it and try hard not to look back. After the kids are safely grown and out of the NGrandparent's grasp, if you or your spouse feels you are in a better position to deal with them and with their passing probably not too far down the road, revisit the decision if it weighs on you guys at all. I wish so badly I could go back and have a re-do. I wasted so much precious time of my kids' growing up thinking of my NILs. Too much time and energy was focused on the wrong people and I can't ever get that back. So, in a way, the Ns won. They had too much of my attention, even if they weren't exactly aware of it.

I think one thing that went against me, and maybe some of you can relate to this, is that I seem to be a "HSP" or highly sensitive person. Google Elaine N. Aron and HSPs. There will be tests to see if you fall into this category. I think many of us "targets" of Ns do. It's sad that it's taken me 30 years to start putting these people behind me...although if you saw my post the other day, there will be triggering events from time to time. I see the NILs for who/what they are, and I see myself the same, and maybe FINALLY I can "forgive" all of us.

Didn't mean to hijack your post, but I see so much of myself and feelings in several of you. You have 100% of my understanding and compassion. I am so sorry you're hurting. Please be kind to yourself. You're a good person and deserve kindness and to be happy!

(((BIG HUGS)))