Being treated like I'm the toxic one by sister

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Being treated like I'm the toxic one by sister
« on: September 13, 2017, 12:21:07 PM »
I grew up in a very enmeshed family, with a GC sister and a HPD/NPD mother and NPD father. I've come to terms with most things about my parents and am able to have some sort of relationship with them.

Only now am I realising how much of a factor my sister has been in the toxic family unit and in scapegoating me. And I'm not sure how to deal with it. I have accepted she's full of fleas if not more, and is generally a messed up woman with massive control issues. But I've felt a massive flashbacks in 2 recent fights with her. She will be nasty and judgemental, gaslighting and straight up lie and when I respond with anger (I know I know... ) she tells me how nasty I AM being  :stars:

I had some very exciting news to share recently and it was only to be expected that she'd come in and try to bring me down a notch. When a manipulative tactic didn't work on me a week later, she made sure she devalued me, saying how much she dislikes me, especially in comparison with other people in her life. Which she promptly denied when I called her out on it and claimed I misunderstood, but was unwilling to explain what she had meant  instead. So so pathetic, nothing new of this issued riddled woman and still... she got to me.

The injustice of being targeted when I am minding my own happy business is too much sometimes. She tends to treat me with MC I noticed, unless she wants something (actual stuff, adoration, attention). I get so frustrated being treated like I AM the toxic one when clearly she is.  :evil2:

Sorry for the long vent. Thanks for reading if you got this far  ;)

It's never too late to be who you might have been (George Eliot)



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Re: Being treated like I'm the toxic one by sister
« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2017, 04:36:33 PM »
Hello Poppy

I have a uBPD/uNPD sister. Your sister sounds similar to mine. Your sister tries to push all your buttons to get a reaction. Mine does too. My sister is the abuser and turns everything around so that she becomes the victim.

I try and be calm no matter what happens. If I get angry she would only turn it all around where she would then have evidence that she is being abused.

I have turned my mobile phone off as I can't stand taking her calls or even refusing them. It's all too stressful for me. The guilt I feel is immense as she needs to be listened to but I've just had enough of hearing about all her problems.

The only way I can cope with her behaviour now is to say to myself that she has serious mental health issues and doesn't realise. She has no insight into her own behaviour and thinking. I try and treat her with loving kindness but it's so hard at times, so I forgive myself as I realise that I'm only human. I have feelings too.

You are not alone.

Best wishes

"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author


Summer Sun

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Re: Being treated like I'm the toxic one by sister
« Reply #2 on: September 14, 2017, 09:16:51 AM »
Poppy, I could have written this.  It's much of my own experience with 2upd siblings.  To make matters worse, one has taken a course and now deems himself as an expert.  Oh, the labels and behaviors they toss around.  I'm WTF?  You too obviously haven't looked in the mirror or self reflected in any way.  No, they much prefer to project their stuff onto me, and triangulate, and circle me like wolves in for a kill.

With PD's, if you can be useful, or used, there will be some form of intermittent reinforcement.  Keeps us pursuing, hoping for more. 

I've experienced a gamut of  p/a behaviours, also push-pull, invalidation, gaslighting, projection, circular convos, vilifying the victim, devaluation, withdrawals, comparisons etc.  And I have learned if there is something exciting in my life, well, I only share with FOC as UPD sibs will find some way to rain on the parade, or hurtfully withhold any positive affirmation.  The last behavior of emotional blackmail pushed me from MC to NC.  My T pointed out I have become the IP or SG.  Whatever minuscule part of me that was present in their lives has now pulled out of their games. 

Yes, they are broken, wounded, I work at compassion, I do not want resentments on my heart.  I too am wounded though, and healing is delayed when their behaviours keep jabbing at the wounds.  They have each other.  I now work on self compassion, self care, healing and creating a life with FOC, those capable of seeing me, those also capable of reciprocity. 

Wishing you all the peace, love and support you deserve, Poppy.  The three C's have been helpful to me.  Also, not JADEing - I quit trying to use my voice where others have proven  incapable or are not interested in hearing. 

SUmmer Sun
"The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference" - Elie Wiesel



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Re: Being treated like I'm the toxic one by sister
« Reply #3 on: September 18, 2017, 07:58:39 AM »
My GCBIL tries to knock down my DH all the time.  I'm tired of watching but more so I'm tired of my husband making excuses for it.  At least your standing up to her.  I wish my DH would do the same.



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Re: Being treated like I'm the toxic one by sister
« Reply #4 on: September 18, 2017, 04:05:54 PM »
I have been going through a lot of the same.  i am not sure the terminology that is used to describe this however, I have family members who will make remarks to me that they know will upset me. I have recently learned that this is a tactic to throw everything on me, titles, you name it, so they don't feel guilty with their game play.  i have decided to not even bite the bait anymore.  it is very infuriating when they do this but, I realized I had been giving them exactly what they want.  My sister doesn't want me around and so she uses little manipulation tactics to keep me at arms length to have the parents all to herself.  i live several hundred miles away from the family.  For a long time I didn't see that I was even being used as a pawn because, I am the type that likes to see the good in people and situations.  Being the SG does hurt.  In fact it sucks for lack of better terminology.  I am here if you need to vent.  I know that this kind of junk can get under our skin and make us beyond frustrated.  I am hugging you virtually!