Online calendar

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PeopleOfThePines

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Online calendar
« on: September 13, 2017, 01:56:37 PM »
Early on in my relationship with my uPDw we always had issues with upcoming events. She would wait until the very last minute and then tell me about something she wanted us to do. If I agreed then fine, if not then there was trouble. At some point the tactic changed and she would casually mention some event or trip that she was wanting to take that would be several weeks to months ahead of time. Then nothing, not a word until the time of the event. I'd come home from work and she would start getting ready then glare at me. When I would ask what's wrong, she'd ask why I wasn't getting ready. I had no clue what she was talking about but eventually I knew what was coming when I heard those words. According to her, I had already agreed to go to this event she mentioned. If I didn't want to, I would be yelled at for always changing my mind after I had said that I would go or she would claim that I forgot I said I would. My father died from Alzheimer's so this naturally really concerned me.

Then I got a great idea! We would both get Google Calendar on our phones and use it to send invitations to each other about these events. If we didn't have an accepted invitation then there was no agreement to participate. I thought this would solve the problem. She flipped. I swear I haven't seen her act that rabid before in our marriage. Said all kinds of horrible things. I stuck to it, because I was sick of it.

It was a miracle! I suddenly could remember these events. :blink:

I eventually realized that someone with a PD won't ever willingly agree to a system that leaves no room for error. Everyone else will usually embrace it, if it clears up confusion. She still complains about it and wishes we could just talk to each other about these events like "normal" couples.

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Findingmyvoice

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Re: Online calendar
« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2017, 02:29:02 PM »
+1.
I was always getting in trouble for missing or forgetting appointments or dates.  Her reasoning was that I didn't care enough to remember or listen to her.
I asked repeatedly for her to share her calendar with me but there was always an excuse.
"I don't know how"- OK, let me show you.
"I'm too busy to do it now" - OK then when?
"I don't want you to see my appointments" - OK, then create a separate calendar for family events.

We still don't have a shared calendar.

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Whiteheron

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Re: Online calendar
« Reply #2 on: September 13, 2017, 05:29:14 PM »
stbx would set up trips, tell me the date, only to change it later on without letting me know. Then when he'd quiz me, I'd get the date wrong and he'd make fun of me for never knowing what was going on. If I knew he'd changed the date and I tried to ask him what the new itinerary was, he would go around in circles without actually telling me what the new date/time was.  :roll: superiority? control? who knows.
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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PeopleOfThePines

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Re: Online calendar
« Reply #3 on: September 13, 2017, 06:04:04 PM »
Findingmyvoice my calendar is setup where the default setting is public. It's not really public because I also have the settings configured to only share my calendar with specific people. Events can be made that are private as well and everyone they are shared with would never know. Then they can also be marked busy or available. That way it's a little more clear about availability.

Just don't make the mistake that I did. My default configuration is private/available. It didn't dawn on me that private/busy would have to somehow display as busy without showing what you are busy doing. I accidentally marked a calendar event as busy and private. I'm not exactly sure what the entry was on uPDw's phone but it definitely got noticed. Maybe it said private event or simply busy without giving any details. I got interrogated about that oversight one night. No doubt she was also keeping close tabs on me during whatever I had going on that day.

Overall, it's helped a lot. Now she's the one who forgets about entering events only to remember at the last minute. However, she can't get away with that nearly as often.

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Liftedfog

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Re: Online calendar
« Reply #4 on: September 13, 2017, 08:05:35 PM »
My expdh was the opposite.  I would tell him about upcoming said event.  He would acknowledge. Day of he would claim I never said anything and would cancel or show up and show his true raging self.  Mostly it was for any extended family event or holiday gathering.  He ruined every Easter, Christmas, etc. It was a control thing.

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LeeJane

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Re: Online calendar
« Reply #5 on: September 14, 2017, 01:42:22 AM »
Sigh, yes I relate. It seems to be all part of chaos manufacturing and disordered thinking.

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Locked_out

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Re: Online calendar
« Reply #6 on: September 16, 2017, 11:39:58 PM »
Oh man. My life is just the same. My husband will make these grand gestures of "making plans" for us to have a date night and then use it against me that I am the one who never wants to do anything to strengthen/maintain our relationship.

But what actually happens is that my husband will make some vague reference to something in the future (a concert or show or something), never give me a firm date or even bring it up again, then on the day of said event (mere hours before), say, "oh yeah! Are we gonna do that thing tonight?" Uh, we have a small child and I have not planned for a babysitter, so I guess not. Then I am the bad guy who never wants to do anything together. He will conveniently forget the details of this when he brings it up in an argument later and only remember how I "turned him down."

I am fastidious about keeping a calendar as I have a very hectic schedule. He poopoos me about it when I buy him his own paper calendars or encourage him to use the one built in to his phone. He can never remember where he is supposed to be or what he is supposed to be doing and is always caught off guard when I tell him it's time for some event or holiday or get-together (even though I have informed then reminded him multiple times and told him to write it down if he can't remember what events are coming up).

He wants ME to keep his calendar for him. I have to schedule and keep track of his events that have nothing to do with me. I am not his secretary. I know it sounds harsh, but he just expects me to do everything for him. I would do the calendar sharing with him if I ever saw him put any effort into keeping one. Still, I put everything he tells me into my own calendar so I know what commitments he has made, knowing he will forget about them and ask me anyways.

I think it is just another way to avoid responsibility. I can't keep him to events or activities he has agreed to if he can't remember them and has conveniently scheduled something else that day or just acts caught off guard every day of his life.

It is so frustrating. Sometimes I feel crazy.

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PeopleOfThePines

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Re: Online calendar
« Reply #7 on: September 18, 2017, 01:49:31 AM »
My condolences Randy. Personally I like to plan things out ahead of time and my uPDw will only throw things together at the last minute. I really hate doing that because it makes me feel off balance; I feel like I forgot something.

The crazy thing is, she embraced the calendar for all of her stuff and filled it up with all kinds of things. All of her events are on there most of the time but then there are all kinds of last minute changes to her plans. Most of my extracurricular activities don't have a specific scheduled time, so I really rely on her calendar to know if I can do some of them. If I'm going to have my D with me then some I might be able to do or might have to cut them short. Others I wouldn't be able to do.

There have been tons of times where I've put something on the calendar for the evening that I couldn't do with my D, taken the time to get ready, only to find out a few minutes before I was to leave that I couldn't go. My wife could take my daughter along, but she'd have to entertain herself and hold off on dinner until things were done. I don't want that. I'm not going to make my D do without just so I can go do my thing.

I've tried stressing how important it is to keep the calendar correct to uPDw but it never sinks in. The last time I tried she said "So are you trying to say you don't want to have to take care of your daughter?" Then even though I stressed that was absolutely not what I was trying to say, she starts taking her everywhere with her so I can "get a break from having to be a parent".

That's one of the things that completely blows my mind. She can mind-read what she thinks I'm trying to say and that's got to be it. It doesn't matter how vehemently I say that is absolutely not the point I'm trying to get across, whatever is in her head is reality.

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Liftedfog

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Re: Online calendar
« Reply #8 on: September 18, 2017, 05:40:30 AM »
Every new years eve was a disaster.  At this point he had burned every bridge with friends or family.  Few days before new years he would demand what I had planned!!!!!   Ummmm.  We had no family to go to so where can you go until past midnight with a baby or small child!!!!  Nowhere!!!!  But every year was the same crap.  Spinning it so that it was my fault that I couldn't plan anything.   :stars:

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Stepping lightly

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Re: Online calendar
« Reply #9 on: September 18, 2017, 02:00:09 PM »
My DH and his exNPD use google calendars because she refuses to use OFW.  He requested something over and over that would have an audit trail of any changes to the calendar because things were being added when it was too late for us see them. Just a couple of weeks ago we had to take DSD to an event that BM had added.  I quadruple checked the event the day before to make sure of the time.  When we showed up, there were very few cars in the parking lot, so DH checked the calendar again.....time was right...but the location and the fact that it was a POTLUCK and we needed to bring a dish to share had been added within the previous 24 hours.  DH looked at me shocked, he said "how did I miss that".  I said, "you didn't, the details were added last minute".

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PeopleOfThePines

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Re: Online calendar
« Reply #10 on: September 18, 2017, 05:18:55 PM »
My DH and his exNPD use google calendars because she refuses to use OFW.  He requested something over and over that would have an audit trail of any changes to the calendar because things were being added when it was too late for us see them. Just a couple of weeks ago we had to take DSD to an event that BM had added.  I quadruple checked the event the day before to make sure of the time.  When we showed up, there were very few cars in the parking lot, so DH checked the calendar again.....time was right...but the location and the fact that it was a POTLUCK and we needed to bring a dish to share had been added within the previous 24 hours.  DH looked at me shocked, he said "how did I miss that".  I said, "you didn't, the details were added last minute".

I was worried about this too which is why I demanded that invitations be sent instead of just placing events on the calendar. If my uPDw didn't have an accepted invitation then I never agreed to it. I have just turned off her calendar in the past, that way I only saw the invitations and only if they were accepted would they be posted to my calendar. Any special information had to go in the notes section such as dress code, cost, what to bring etc.

Also there are a lot of settings within Google Calendars that aren't accessible from the phone app. Login with a desktop or laptop and you can get to them. Hold your mouse over exNPD's calendar and click the drop down arrow, then calendar settings. At the top of the next page there will be a tab that says edit notifications. Then check the boxes you want to receive notifications for... invitation to an event, event is changed, event is cancelled, and some others.

I know PDs can find a loophole in anything but I hope this helps.
« Last Edit: September 18, 2017, 05:24:53 PM by PeopleOfThePines »

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Stepping lightly

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Re: Online calendar
« Reply #11 on: September 19, 2017, 10:24:43 AM »
Thanks!  I updated my settings- I always look at the calendar on my phone, so I this was really helpful.  Luckily I have an email address that is for PD purposes only, so I can check it only when I want to see when things were added/changed.  I wonder if she'll see the change in the notification settings?  Hope not :-)

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foggyspouse

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Re: Online calendar
« Reply #12 on: September 20, 2017, 09:20:52 AM »
I could have written this original post myself it's eerily similar to my situation.
My wife is horrible about scheduling or sticking to a plan. When I bring up using a shared google calendar, she readily agrees but always has an excuse why she doesn't / can't use it. Then she gets mad and says "I can never get it right" or "whatever I do is never good enough". That in response to me gently (timidly) asking if she has anything on the calendar that I need to know about in the coming days.

The same is true of cleaning our house. We have kids who have way too many toys. I'm not talking about spoiled kids with fancy toys. They just have a million doo-dads and junk stuff they bring home from parties, school, etc. They refuse to get rid of anything and my wife won't let me. So our house is in a perpetual state of chaos. We can't get the kids ready for school because we are tripping over things and they are distracted by toys instead of getting ready. I've asked a million times to at least box up some of the toys but she says, "no, I'll organize". Then an hour later everything is back on the floor and every surface of our house. I didn't realize until reading some of the posts on here that this kind of behavior is common with BP.

Do others out there have experience trying to come up with a plan for how to do something with their BP spouse?

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PeopleOfThePines

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Re: Online calendar
« Reply #13 on: September 20, 2017, 04:42:53 PM »


Thanks!  I updated my settings- I always look at the calendar on my phone, so I this was really helpful.  Luckily I have an email address that is for PD purposes only, so I can check it only when I want to see when things were added/changed.  I wonder if she'll see the change in the notification settings?  Hope not :-)

I don't think it does notify that there has been a change. These are just notification settings that were available to you already due to the permission level you currently had. At least I didn't hear anything from uPDw when I added them.  :P

I'm not talking about spoiled kids with fancy toys. They just have a million doo-dads and junk stuff they bring home from parties, school, etc. They refuse to get rid of anything and my wife won't let me.

We have 15 bottles of bubble solution (including 3 giant size ones) in a cabinet in our house. I just went and counted to make sure. I tried to throw out some once and got yelled at. She actually fished them out of the trash and put them back. As far as I can recall we haven't blown bubbles in years.

I hope you eventually get a shared calendar going foggyspouse. For me it's an occasional source of complaining, but the benefits outweigh the PD negatives. We do still talk about events outside the calendar, but I want it to be clear to uPDw that if it's on the calendar then it's decided. If it's something we are doing together (except maybe a random dinner at a restaurant or a shopping trip on a quiet night) then invites must be sent and accepted.

A point I completely forgot to mention is for tasks that will be taken care of one of us. There was always confusion about certain tasks and who had taken responsibility to do them. My uPDw always seems to discuss things in a way that is contradicting each other. So I may think that she has said that she'll take care of a specific task, only to find out right before that she thinks I will. In those cases I've found that if I put it on the calendar, and then use the share function to send her a text/email and ask her to verify that it's correct, things work out better.

I personally love having something that is concrete (or as close as possible) instead of the constantly shifting sand of he said she said.

 

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Stepping lightly

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Re: Online calendar
« Reply #14 on: September 21, 2017, 08:39:21 AM »
Yep- seems she isn't aware I get notifications now.  First item posted to the calendar is a birthday party, 2 days notice and it falls on our weekend.  I wish we had been getting notifications 2 years ago.  We were in the middle of a horrible custody battle with her, had a Parent Coordinator involved, and BM would post items to the calendar AFTER they would have occurred and then yell at DH for missing them.  The PC accused DH of crazy making (at BM's suggestion of course)!  At least now we have some silent control over when things are planned for us...and if there isn't adequate notice, we don't feel like we "just didn't see it".