I cannot go back to Narnia.

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Redbeech123

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I cannot go back to Narnia.
« on: September 13, 2017, 04:31:03 PM »
Last week my ex husband of 5 years turned up on my Mother's doorstep. This is the man who abandoned me and my three children for a woman in another country, cleared the bank account and generally shit on us from a great height. My children are now young adults who chose not to have a relationship with their dad. I'm 50 in three months and for the first time my eyes are wide open. He just got married and he was over visiting his dad.
She invited him in. She had been looking forward to this moment for years. The other side of the story! . His side. Gave him all of my childrens contact details. He turned up on my daughters doorstep. She was horrified. She has spoken at length to my mother about her non relationship with her dad and made it clear that any contact would be on her terms.
My mother treated this man like her husband. Walking about in her underwear and generally having him as her handy man and support while we were married. I was so far in the Fog. I feel so stupid.
God knows what she said to him.
My seventeen year old son called me to tell me that granny was in a terrible state. Said that no one was was talking to her and that the stress of it all was affecting her heart.
Her flying monkey sister was there providing there there's!!!
She talked my son into calling him to say basically don't call us we'll call you.
Obviously my daughter withdrew and didn't want to answer her texts.
My mum told her it was a horrible way to treat someone who had helped her so much. Is she her Granny or does she think she's her therapist?
I have so many incidences. The woman is abusive to the core.
Because the kids were angry she told me that they are not worth her help.
She's been calling and texting me.
I sent a text back via WhatsApp saying that I was OK. Just busy.
She has never entertained WhatsApp so I know she's using it to contact him!!
I am so angry .
This man, when he left contacted her and told her so many lies that she drank in.
I was so vulnerable. Three children. No money.
Different situation now. My children do have contact with her but they are not me and are aware of her ways.
I can't do it any longer. I cannot be in a relationship with her.
I know that my extended family will take her side. I'm ready. I didn't have them anyway.
 

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FromTheSwamp

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Re: I cannot go back to Narnia.
« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2017, 05:15:34 PM »
That's horrible.  And she gave out the contact information for her grandchildren without consulting them! 

When I got divorced years ago my parents completely sided with my husband.  They told people I must be mentally ill to leave him, because he was so wonderful.  It messed with my head in a terrible way. 

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biggerfish

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Re: I cannot go back to Narnia.
« Reply #2 on: September 13, 2017, 07:08:16 PM »
Daisy, you sound ready to stand alone. I am cheering you on. Sometimes standing alone is the most mentally healthy thing we can do. And I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You deserve peace and happiness.

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Blueskies

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Re: I cannot go back to Narnia.
« Reply #3 on: September 14, 2017, 03:30:23 AM »
I totally understand. You have to do what is right for you. You know that she is abusive and toxic, doesn't matter if she plays the victim.

Different situation but I am at the same point with my M...having her in my life is utterly utterly miserable.

You sound strong and resolved. Good luck.

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daughter

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Re: I cannot go back to Narnia.
« Reply #4 on: September 14, 2017, 08:46:31 AM »
I've had my own rude awakenings regarding how "nice", how "considerate" my parents can be to other people,  without demonstrating such reciprocal care towards me, their older daughter.  They're more concerned about how people perceive THEM, then how their daughter perceives their loyalty and consideration towards HER, even in times of crises.  Your mother has been terribly disloyal to you and your children, all to curry momentary favor from your exDH.  I'd acknowledge that bad choice of hers, grasp the full meaning of her casual disregard of your feelings and needs, and disengage from her altogether.   

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Redbeech123

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Re: I cannot go back to Narnia.
« Reply #5 on: September 14, 2017, 03:22:35 PM »
I can't thank you guys enough for your support. I've been reading and lurking for a wee while now.
I'm a medical professional and I have worked in the mental health field and still didn't realise. Shows how insidious it all is. I just didn't associate my experiences with other people despite physical violence and I can relate to so many stories here.
I'm having light bulb moment after light bulb moment and it's not pretty.
So glad to be Ootf though.
I know exactly what I need to do.
Live my life with my wee family and my new fiance (who my mother doesn't think much of as he won't fawn over her and do all her Diy lol)
Once again many thanks.

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practical

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Re: I cannot go back to Narnia.
« Reply #6 on: September 15, 2017, 05:45:40 AM »
Welcome to OOTF!

Your M is trying to bequeath the dysfunction to your children, to rope them back in by giving out their information, it is the way she knows and that has worked for her. Clearly, she doesn't understand/respect boundaries. I'm very sorry for the turmoil and pain this has caused you and your children. Sometimes standing alone, setting one big boundary is what you need to live a drama free life. You are very astute to say the family will side with her, but they were never on your side in the first place, it is what I had to realize to when going NC with M. They were first and foremost her relatives, her friends, and didn't even care to hear the other side of the story, my side.

As you are going through this process make sure to check out the Toolbox     ti find help for yourself. You may even want to share certain things with your children like Boundaries, Medium chill, Intermittent Reinforcement. And as you are talking about lightbulb moments, reading through the Top 100 Traits      and the Disorders   gave me plenty, as suddenly there were names for the behaviors I had witnessed, I wasn't imagining it, I wasn't oversensitive or the one with the problem.

Sending you strength as you continue on your path OOTF.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)