Really want to unenmesh completely

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JollyJazz

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Really want to unenmesh completely
« on: September 19, 2017, 09:16:23 PM »
Hi All,

My future goal is to un-enmesh from my FOO completely. As part of this, I would like to work towards owning my own place. I have always rented, and that means that invariably some of my things are usually at my FOO's house. I really really want to have all my things away from them for good. I just want to have complete independence from them.

I feel a bit overwhelmed about where to live. At this stage I kind of just want something small and simple, but completely mine. Something like a tiny apartment in the city, or a tiny little cabin in a remote town in the mountains.

My situation is a little bit complex as my partner currently lives in the states, and where I live is really expensive to buy property in at the moment (basically we are at the top of a bubble). I can work here, but not the states. I do have enough $ saved for a deposit on something. I just feel kind of overwhelmed and am trying to work out exactly what I want. My head says to certainly not buy here now due to the expensiveness of housing. One thing I really do know is that I want to be independent of my FOO.

Anyway, just needed to vent and any ideas welcome! 
« Last Edit: September 19, 2017, 09:18:36 PM by JollyJazz »

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mdana

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Re: Really want to unenmesh completely
« Reply #1 on: September 30, 2017, 11:34:25 PM »
Hum....

I get it!  I had to move back in with my mom  YEARS ago --as a result of a divorce.  I lived there for 5 painful, very difficult years ... saving...saving...saving, until I was able to buy my own place. 

My 2 kids and I used to drive around every weekend for hours ... looking for our 'house'.  Searching for the neighborhood that felt just right, and one we could afford.  5 years of saving, searching, dreaming ... looking at all the houses, condo's, town-homes--picturing ourselves in each one, until the time finally came!   

It felt so wonderful to have a place of my own.  Of course, then come all the repairs and much needed remodeling that was difficult to afford.  I became a 'do it yourself-er'.

So, maybe drive around with a realtor or on your own.  Imagine yourself in each of the possibilities (see if you are able to relax in each one).  Maybe something will come up that feels right for you and you will then know, where you want to be. 

I wouldn't rush into buying anything or moving -- just because you want to get your belongings out of your FOO's house.  You could always get your things and send them to storage (for now).  Or store them at your apartment (if they fit).  That your belongings are with your FOO, doesn't bind you to them, necessarily.

I left my piano at my FOO's.  Eventually, we drifted apart and it was not convenient for me to get it.  I was good with it.  After a while, as I built a new life, many things from my past life (material and even emotional) didn't matter as much. Same thing happened after my divorce.  We had a beautiful home ...lots of valuable antiques and furniture.  At first, I was upset ... Then, as I built my new life --- I didn't care any more. 


Just a thought ... or two ...

M



 

Love and compassion are necessities, not luxuries. Without them humanity cannot survive. The Dalai Lama

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JollyJazz

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Re: Really want to unenmesh completely
« Reply #2 on: October 01, 2017, 03:13:03 AM »
Hi mdana,

Thanks for that :) Yes, its true, I think I just need to work out what I want. I am kind of up in the air with things at the moment and where I am even living (as in even which country!) so now is a good time for me to just figure out what exactly I'm after.

I just made a note in my diary to work on a 'vision board' of things I really like. I'll pop into open homes and things just to get a feel for things like that, and I think I will know when the time is right. Thanks for your understanding and perspective :)

« Last Edit: October 01, 2017, 03:23:02 AM by JollyJazz »

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newlife33

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Re: Really want to unenmesh completely
« Reply #3 on: October 02, 2017, 10:32:26 AM »
Hi All,

My future goal is to un-enmesh from my FOO completely. As part of this, I would like to work towards owning my own place. I have always rented, and that means that invariably some of my things are usually at my FOO's house. I really really want to have all my things away from them for good. I just want to have complete independence from them.

I feel a bit overwhelmed about where to live. At this stage I kind of just want something small and simple, but completely mine. Something like a tiny apartment in the city, or a tiny little cabin in a remote town in the mountains.

My situation is a little bit complex as my partner currently lives in the states, and where I live is really expensive to buy property in at the moment (basically we are at the top of a bubble). I can work here, but not the states. I do have enough $ saved for a deposit on something. I just feel kind of overwhelmed and am trying to work out exactly what I want. My head says to certainly not buy here now due to the expensiveness of housing. One thing I really do know is that I want to be independent of my FOO.

Anyway, just needed to vent and any ideas welcome!

HEY!! Glad to see a fellow person getting free and building their lives for the better.  I feel your pain about renting in a small city.  I also feel your pain about not knowing what to do.  The best advice I was told was to not make any major decisions until you have at least a year away from a major trauma or event.  I went NC and quit alcohol in the same month and at first I wanted to move to Costa Rica and become a snorkel guide or quit my job and go back to forestry school or get married to my ex or on and on and on.  The more I moved away from toxic situations the more I began to think in a more rational fashion and began to understand what really mattered to me and what I really wanted to do. 

That being said, I would start with smaller choices.  Build up self trust in your choices and needs.  Go out to dinner and choose what you want and notice how you feel afterwards.  Buy a shirt you like and notice how you feel.  Go to the park and pick the place to lay down that makes you feel the most comfortable.  Those may seem simple but the more you do those things the more you will get to know yourself and trust your instincts and will build up to bigger and better choices later on.

Best of luck, sending you hugs :)

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JollyJazz

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Re: Really want to unenmesh completely
« Reply #4 on: October 02, 2017, 07:53:42 PM »
Hi newlife33,

Thanks for your advice :) Yes, I think taking my time and starting to identify what I want is the best course of action. I am not really sure where I'll be and what to do, so I am just going to identify what I want for now. Thanks for those tips on identifying things I want, that's a good way to go :)

Best wishes as well :)