Changes coming

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Amadahy

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Changes coming
« on: September 28, 2017, 06:08:16 PM »
Hey y'all,

This will be sort if rambly, not really looking for answers, but always appreciating comeraderie and insight.

N mom has been on her own in an apartment in my town nearly six months now. I practice MC and have some contact. I am not poa, primarily I make sure she has food to eat.  She attends adult day care and has a caseworker who helps with Medicare, budgeting, etc. 

She is on a quite low, fixed income and had been managing pretty well until last month when she ordered way more checkbooks than needed. Now, she has a phone bill for 2x the expected amount. A mistake of $50 or more/mo. is catastrophic - both of these were that.

She has beginning dementia and her agitation with others is increasing, as is her paranoia.

All to say, I see nursing home care in the not-too-distant future.  This makes me extremely sad, but living w me didn't work and I would never, ever consider again.  This post is mainly to share and process my sadness.  Thank you, as always, for safe space. 

:hug:
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen

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looloo

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Re: Changes coming
« Reply #1 on: September 28, 2017, 06:14:33 PM »
Hi Amadahy,
I can relate to the sadness of seeing your mother's condition worsening.  Nothing NOT sad about it.  Will her caseworker be able to assist with transitioning her?  Will you be able to keep a distance that's safe and healthy for you?
If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.  Oscar Wilde.

"My actions are my true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand."  Thich Nhat Hanh

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Changes coming
« Reply #2 on: September 29, 2017, 06:45:24 AM »
It is sad, aging isn't natural and difficult to accept in healthy relationships. Current and past abuse adds to the complexity. It's ok to be sad and process that grief. You're doing good ensuring she gets good professional care within her means and budget. Having her live with you isn't going to prevent the inevidible outcome of fher decline.
Each and every contact with a PD person results in damage. Plan accordingly and make time to heal. See Toolbox for tips.

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bopper

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Re: Changes coming
« Reply #3 on: September 29, 2017, 02:11:53 PM »
Also keep in mind if she has to go into a nursing home it is because this is what her life choices brought her to. You are merely working with what she has brought.
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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practical

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Re: Changes coming
« Reply #4 on: September 30, 2017, 05:18:04 AM »
Watching somebody lose their self due to dementia is hard and sad. Taking care of somebody is dementia can easily develop into a 24 hour caregiving role and even people with good relationships with their parents realize they are not able to give the care a loved one needs to keep them safe. In your case your M going into a nursing home is another consequence of her behavior, just like it is in the case of my F. Years ago B thought of an addition to his house where F could live out his old age, have access to a garden and other things he likes, F solidly destroyed this option.

The nursing home is another reminder in our case how dysfunctional our relationships are, please keep in mind though that in normal parent-child relationships many parents opt for AL, a NH when necessary, as they don't want to burden their children or hire a live-in help. I think it is part of us being raised with FOG that we feel bad about this beyond the sadness of seeing the mental and physical decline of a person.

:bighug:
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Fightsong

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Re: Changes coming
« Reply #5 on: October 02, 2017, 08:52:17 AM »
I cant believe its been 6 months, how time flies. And now the next stage. I hope when it happens  the transition is smooth and stress free for you all. Maybe seeing it on the horizon now could be a good thing - you know, arrangements might be made before a new crisis??? And remember, no guilt needed. She will be housed, and fed and nursed as she needs. I hope the processing gives way to relief soon.

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Amadahy

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Re: Changes coming
« Reply #6 on: October 05, 2017, 03:03:18 PM »
TY for thoughtful replies, y'all.  I continue to be really sad in direct proportion to her loss of capabilities.  She took a fall the other day, but wasn't hurt.  I saw her waiting for the local bus while I was driving during my job - she just looks kind of lost.  She told me on the phone how she appreciates what I do for her so much and she was being sincere.  I don't feel fear or guilt anymore - a huge blessing! The amount of obligation is a little more than I feel for fellow humans, so I am trying to decide about poa.  If I assume poa, I can set up her phone and cable bill for auto withdrawal every month, dole out cash for groceries and rent, assuring she doesn't overdraft.  She has one insurance policy that autodrafts, and that is the extent of her business.  I appreciate questions or insight.  I feel like if I am going to do this it may be time to proceed.  As I think I mentioned before, dementia made her N mom demure, sweet, childlike and my mom seems much the same.  TY, Warriors.  :hug:
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen

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practical

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Re: Changes coming
« Reply #7 on: October 05, 2017, 04:40:45 PM »
Doesn't your sister have POA? What is her involvement or has she disappeared?

You do seem to have reached a place of sad detachment, of feeling sorrow rather than searing pain. So that is a good place to be in for your thoughts. If taking on POA means long-distance arrangements for your M, not more direct involvement, it might be fine. There are several members (I think looloo and biggerfish) who take care of the business transactions for their M's, while being almost NC with them. The other issue is, would your M expect more of you because you have POA? F seems to think POA makes you his servant, this is very much what the new person who has POA for him is experiencing now and was also B's and my experience with him. I think the key is to figure out your motives, make sure it isn't FOG or how much of it might be FOG. If you feel it is something you can handle without jeopardizing your own health, it is something you want to do for yourself and your M happens to be the beneficiary, even if you want to do it for her, I think as long as you are clear what your motivations are, and leave yourself the option to restrict your involvement to paperwork only if it becomes to triggering otherwise, you might be able to do it. I think not putting pressure on yourself, neither with the decision, nor if you do decide to do it, to stick it out come hell or highwater, might also be important. I hope any of this makes sense.
« Last Edit: October 05, 2017, 04:42:23 PM by practical »
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Amadahy

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Re: Changes coming
« Reply #8 on: October 05, 2017, 07:14:45 PM »
TY, Practical.  You have been a good companion to many on this journey. 

I've been working through the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, which I think you've recommended, and have been helped immensely!  You are right - I feel more of a sad detachment than anything. I don't feel especially pressured into poa - sis never followed through and has been "busy" for the last 6 months.  I have had to emotionally detach there, too.

I don't obsess over helping my mom, but I know she could use it as she declines.  I *think* I am in a good place to give it a go, but I am going to take a few more weeks to decide, to discern if I have any ulterior hopes or motives.  Who knows? She may tell me to bug off!  LOL. 

:hug:
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen

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Fightsong

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Re: Changes coming
« Reply #9 on: October 06, 2017, 02:48:40 AM »
It sounds so sensible to take some time to decide and examine your thoughts and motives. What a healthy and safe course of action.  With regards your sister - could there be a bit of 'I can do it better?' - and what might that mean ? ( I say that as an entirely neutral comment as I have no idea what following those thoughts through in either direction would really mean to you - and neither answer should be right /wrong -simply self examination to discover what feels right for you) .  Enjoy the detachment you feel, rest in it and allow it to strengthen you. But remember the detachment is the override program you created for yourself - and  this is a journey of many twists and turns. If you should fall  under your default programming again in the future , remember this moment now, and how this detachment  feels, and know you can get here again.   

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Amadahy

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Re: Changes coming
« Reply #10 on: October 06, 2017, 12:36:47 PM »
I so appreciate insight that you have quickly developed, Fightsong!  LOL re sis.  A very good question, but what happened there was lots of critique and false promises, including her assuming poa.  She hasn't had anything to do w mom in the last six months and not that I blame her, but no bossiness and no lies, please and thank you.  :) I practice MC w her, too - I am the friggin' MC Goddess of PD land!!    :groovey: My thought w poa stemmed from my mom needing to get a bank debit card so a cell phone bill could auto draft from it - if she gets a debit card, hello unfettered spending and overdraft fees. If I, as poa, get a debit card linked to her account, her phone bill is significantly cheaper with this option and I stick the card in a drawer.  I know I wouldn't have to be poa to work that out, but I am wondering about it as she declines.

I will ponder a good bit more.  I will also visit my woods and rest.  Bless you all.  :hug:
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen

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looloo

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Re: Changes coming
« Reply #11 on: October 06, 2017, 02:35:25 PM »
Hi Amadahy, if your mother would agree to physically walk into her bank with you, speak to someone, and have you added to her account (making it a joint account), then you could probably handle her debit card/phone bill issue without being POA.

If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.  Oscar Wilde.

"My actions are my true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand."  Thich Nhat Hanh

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Fightsong

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Re: Changes coming
« Reply #12 on: October 06, 2017, 03:21:13 PM »
- I am the friggin' MC Goddess of PD land!!    :groovey:

Dark humour there Amadahy. I love the moments of humour.

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Amadahy

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Re: Changes coming
« Reply #13 on: October 12, 2017, 06:49:14 PM »
I am **so** thankful for this forum.  I am seeing that I still want to jump in and "help," ugh, when, if I just play it cool then answers come clearer. 

Turns out she cannot learn the friggjn' cell phone.  I got one that can be returned in seven days and she cannot fathom how to work it, so I will take back.  So, she had to go w a cheaper landline plan and has called that in.   

No poa for me, At least not yet - I see I am too triggery. 

I wanted to freak a bit tonight because the adult day care has given her only one option for transport - one that she doesn't like. I could see her raging and quitting, but I just listened to her. I told her it was probably budget cuts and changed the subject.

I hope they are not trying to get her to quit.  Programs do that, unfortunately, and I don't know what kind of drama she's pulled there.  Still, not my problem.  (My inner child still gets racing heart and shallow breath, though).

I hope I can learn to relax a bit.  Some days are easier than others, but not this day.  Sigh.

:hug:
« Last Edit: October 12, 2017, 07:03:10 PM by Amadahy »
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen

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practical

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Re: Changes coming
« Reply #14 on: October 12, 2017, 07:08:30 PM »
It is good you gave yourself time to think it through, see what your feelings tell you, and not volunteering for POA is the right thing for you for now. he urge to help is very hard to overcome, you can see it though instead of acting blindly on it.

One more thing .... Since this post is so random .... LOL ....

I feel such shame, but the truth is, I think about if/when she passes .... and some of the relief I will feel.  I know there will be a mix of feelings, including sadness, but I think the prevailing one will be relief. 

I hate feeling like that, admitting that.
You are not alone with these thoughts and feelings. I have had a quiet week and was thinking "this is what it is going to be like when he is dead, no drama invading my day without notice, just peaceful, stable". There is one difference, I don't feel ashamed of these thoughts. I don't wish him dead or anything ill, I simply want a drama free life and given what you, I and others here have been through I don't think that is bad or astounding. Other than NC it is the only kind of "divorce" we can get from their drama.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)