What to do about money

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Overandout

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What to do about money
« on: October 07, 2017, 03:56:22 AM »
Happy weekend, folks. I'd really appreciate your views on what to do about this money issue.

I've been NC with uPDM for only two weeks. To be fair, she's also been NC with me and my family for that period, having made no attempt to contact us.

Prior to this, we saw her almost every day rather than face her displeasure, and she was very (too) involved with my children. Past history of parentifying, then waify-victim, then infantilising, with regular silent treatment for not complying with her 'good daughter' specification.

The NC started with her taking offence to me politely asking her if we could speak later, when she called very early about a trivial thing - she hung up and started the silent treatment. I tried calling her a couple of days later to invite her over, and she ranted about my rudeness, disrespect and arrogance, and hung up again. Shortly after, I heard from my brother that she was disinheriting me (he was told not to tell me).

My reaction was initially, "Hooray". The last of the FOG was lifted and I realised she is exactly what I thought she was - what my then-therapist identified 10 years ago. I and my husband have come to the decision that we have to put our family first and end this, by maintaining NC. We've tied ourselves in knots for years trying to please her, and it's impossible.

The issue is that (amongst lots of other emotional and practical support over the years) I gave her my car, and set up a monthly bank transfer. The car, I'm happy to write off as I considered it hers as soon as I gave it to her. But I don't know what to do about the money.

Neither of us are rich, but she's definitely less well-off than us (refused to work after my father died). My brother also gives her money every month, but he has a very well paid job and no kids. I'd say she was more comfortable with our monthly money, but wouldn't be in dire straits without it.

Part of me wants to stop my contribution, as surely it says to her that I still want to be part of her life/the way she treats me is ok. And we could certainly do with the money! It isn't a huge amount but would pay for the family supermarket shop for a week.

The other part of me worries that stopping the money would make me look as bad as her - as if I'm doing it to 'pay her back' for disinheriting me.

I suppose the bottom line is that I begrudge feeling like an idiot...continuing to support someone who treats me the way she has.

Any opinions very gratefully received!

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illogical

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Re: What to do about money
« Reply #1 on: October 07, 2017, 06:38:44 AM »
...Part of me wants to stop my contribution, as surely it says to her that I still want to be part of her life/the way she treats me is ok. And we could certainly do with the money! It isn't a huge amount but would pay for the family supermarket shop for a week.

This.  It is intermittent reinforcement of her behavior to keep giving her the money.

Coming OOTF is about getting control of your life and not letting others call the shots.  You are under no obligation to support your mother.  She has had benefit from your generosity, yet instead of repaying you with kindness, continues to emotionally abuse you.

No, I don't think you are doing the "tit for tat" thing.  You have just had enough over her last decision to punish you with ST, and you made the difficult decision to go NC. 

You have said that while the money you give your mother makes her life easier, she is not in dire straits without it.  You've already gone above and beyond, in my opinion, by letting her keep the car.  I would not reinforce her bad behavior by continuing the monthly allowance.  You owe it to yourself and your family to live your lives without interference from your mother, who is behaving badly and emotionally abusing you. 

Your mother is using your inheritance to drive home the point that "you'd better fall in line or else I'm cutting you off".  While she may view you cutting her off as punishment, that is not your intent.  Your intent is self-preservation and protection of your family.  You can do nothing about the way your mother reacts to your decisions.   Let's get the order straight here-- you went NC before she disinherited you, not afterward.  The fact you aren't interested in her money says a lot about you-- you have integrity and refuse to be a victim.  So let her whine, pout, complain to your brother and others about your decision to end the allowance.  It doesn't really matter.  What matters is that you are regaining control of your life after putting up with way too much from her for way too long.
"This time I would choose to err on the side of illogic.  I had to trust intuition, and plunge as I had never plunged before, with blind faith." 
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GettingOOTF

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Re: What to do about money
« Reply #2 on: October 07, 2017, 12:07:33 PM »
Your mother is threatening to disinherit you while accepting money from you every month? This is such typical PD logic and I have a million examples of it.

For me I would feel like the monthly money was reinforcing her behavior but I would also feel guilty about stopping. I paid my BPDXH’s cell phone bill for over a year after we split. I hated it but couldn’t bring myself to cut it off.

I know these situations are hard but you don’t owe your mother this money and you don’t owe her or anyone else an explanation for stopping it. If you do decide to stop there is a chance she will get in contact and/or solicit the support of others to get to you. For me, stopping the cell phone bill actually really empowered me and made me feel like I was making positive changes for myself. My ex gave me a really hard time about it but eventually just accepted it. I know this is a different situation and it may be harder for you. Good luck. 

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Tootsie Roll

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Re: What to do about money
« Reply #3 on: October 07, 2017, 04:46:14 PM »
I can't tell you what to do, but, I can tell you what I did in a similar situation.

After my x-husband and I separated, his water/ sewer/ trash bill followed me to my new residence.  I paid it for about 6 months, a decent amount of time for him to transition to me not being in his life.  Then I stopped paying. 

Adults have to be adults.  By enabling them, we are not allowing them the chance to grow up, and we are not allowing ourselves freedom from the past.  When you go No Contact, you go No Contact 100%.
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.  To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own future.  To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.

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Overandout

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Re: What to do about money
« Reply #4 on: October 07, 2017, 05:31:30 PM »
Thanks so much for your thoughts, Getting OOTF, Illogical and Tootsie Roll.  I really appreciate them.

There really is nothing like talking to people who understand this stuff from personal experience.  It's so helpful.

The weird thing about the 'disinheritance' (is that even a word?!) is the fact that she told my brother to keep it secret.  I guess she knows he could never do that and live with himself - so it was an attempt to manipulate him into telling me.  Or perhaps she was testing his 'loyalty'.  Or maybe she really did want to keep it secret, so she could comfort herself with the fact that she's 'punished' me even if we were to reconcile.  Which we never will.  It's baffling, anyway  :stars:

I will end the allowance. 

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Tootsie Roll

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Re: What to do about money
« Reply #5 on: October 07, 2017, 06:03:43 PM »
You're welcome! 

I was one of those weird ones - I sent a letter saying why I was going No Contact.  In it I included that I did not want anything from any of them.  I was disowning them, and I did not want to be in the will.  I left absolutely zero gray zone for any misinterpretation.

That, for me, is No Contact. 
To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.  To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own future.  To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.

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Mary_2015

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Re: What to do about money
« Reply #6 on: October 11, 2017, 01:21:22 PM »
A therapist told me once that a child is not responsible for the parent but the parent is for the child. The parent has the moral responsibility to help the child if she/he is in dire need.
Your mom switched roles with you and made you her parent.
It is very common. And you feel responsible to do this right?
And if you stop the help you'll feel very guilty. If you feel a slight of guilt it means you are in an abusive relationship and all the ties with the abuser need to be cut. Including financial ties.

I used to send money to mom as well. She treated me like I was the responsible adult in charge of her financial comfort (even though she had a husband who was working!!!)
LC put an end to this.

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bopper

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Re: What to do about money
« Reply #7 on: October 12, 2017, 12:25:16 PM »
If she has an inheritance, that means she has money. If she has money, she doesn't need your money.

"Mom, I have been thinking about it...you said you want to disinherit me and I think that is a fine idea. Take the money you had previously set aside for me and use it instead of the money I send every month. This sounds like a win-win!"
Just because they are incapable of loving you, doesn't mean that you are unlovable.
Anything makes the false self appear real is supply.

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Overandout

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Re: What to do about money
« Reply #8 on: October 12, 2017, 01:33:52 PM »
You're spot-on, Mary_2015, she did make me the parent, in the practical, the financial and the emotional sense - from when I was around 8 or 9 years old.  She's even said to me in the last year (prior to NC), "Isn't it funny?  It's more like you're my mother and I'm your child...hehehehe."  And despite that, she was forever questioning and directing and critiquing and 'advising' me.  Very confusing.

Bopper, that's a good way to look at it.  She'd often tell me that everything she was doing to her house, she was doing for my brother and me - "It's all yours, really - I'm just looking after it."  I'd consistently ask her not to look at it like that - I'd tell her to enjoy it and spend it - downsize the house and be really comfortably off.  My brother's always said the same.  The martyr thing was a constant with her - it made me believe for years that she was what she 'sold' herself to us as - the dream mother (who I felt terribly guilty for resenting).  But why take money every month from your son and daughter (neither of whom have a great deal of money), when you're sitting on a house which could solve your problems?  So contrary.

She's still made no attempt to contact me (or my children) - 3 weeks of silent treatment now.  It's a mercy, but still kind of baffling when I consider that we saw her every day (no choice if we wanted to keep the relationship going), and she claimed that I and my children were her 'life'/'only reason for living' etc.  Every previous ST occasion, I've begged forgiveness within a day or two (called, been to her house, written to her etc. and been generally distraught at the standard 4-5 really hostile rejections she'd dole out before finally accepting my apology, and then suddenly starting to act as if nothing had happened).  This is the first time I've stopped and thought, no - I haven't done anything wrong, and I won't apologise - hence her disinheritance move, I guess.  I made the decision to go NC a day or two after the ST started.

On one level, I feel I should tell her I've stopped the payments (the next one is due at the end of the month), out of courtesy I suppose.  But that would mean some kind of confrontation, even if only by letter.  I really, really don't want to make her think I'm punishing her for disinheriting me.  It was a pivotal moment for me in that it removed the last trace of doubt I had that she has often treated me horribly.  I want NOTHING from her except no contact.  The way I've felt for the last three weeks is truly priceless.

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illogical

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Re: What to do about money
« Reply #9 on: October 12, 2017, 07:52:39 PM »
...On one level, I feel I should tell her I've stopped the payments (the next one is due at the end of the month), out of courtesy I suppose.  But that would mean some kind of confrontation, even if only by letter.  I really, really don't want to make her think I'm punishing her for disinheriting me.  It was a pivotal moment for me in that it removed the last trace of doubt I had that she has often treated me horribly. I want NOTHING from her except no contact.  The way I've felt for the last three weeks is truly priceless,

I understand your need to explain the stopping of payments.  It just won't get through to her, though.  As you anticipate, she will just justify and explain (in an illogical way) her way out of it. 

I think from what you've posted you have had a big clarity moment.  You see things for what they truly are.  You only want to move onward and upward with your life.  I wish you well.  :hug:

"This time I would choose to err on the side of illogic.  I had to trust intuition, and plunge as I had never plunged before, with blind faith." 
Dean Koontz, Forever Odd

"You will only be understood by those who care to understand."

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Fightsong

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Re: What to do about money
« Reply #10 on: October 13, 2017, 04:45:40 AM »
I imagine she will think of it as a punishment whatever you do / say / write. The point is it isn't from your side, and that's what counts.
She has handed you a fine opportunity to cut this tie.  Whats she going to do, go to the store and say ' i disinherited my child so they stopped my allowance?' ( well yeah she might - but it sure sounds stoopid eh?????).  I love Bopper's words, there is no malice, no sulk,  just clarity and an opportunity taken.

Take care of yourself, like you said its the first time you haven't fawned / crawled your way back to end the agony of  ST. It's painful that.

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Jade63

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Re: What to do about money
« Reply #11 on: October 26, 2017, 08:32:01 PM »
you've reached the point of clarity.

~J

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Tootsie Roll

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Re: What to do about money
« Reply #12 on: December 06, 2017, 08:52:59 PM »
Just wondering how it is going Overandout?

Going into the holidays staying strong?

To let go is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.  To let go is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own future.  To let go is not to be protective, it is to permit another to face reality.

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Orthocone

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Re: What to do about money
« Reply #13 on: December 06, 2017, 10:23:09 PM »
Has anyone considered that the inheritance thing might be a complete farce for some people?  Like for example my mom does own a house, but she's in such debt (I'm sure I don't even know the half of it) that I'm not convinced that she actually has anything to give after all of that gets paid off if anything were to ever happen to her and somebody gets it. 

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VividImagination

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Re: What to do about money
« Reply #14 on: December 07, 2017, 02:41:00 PM »
My NM wrote off four of her children (myself included) with great flourish and left one child sole inheritor of her estate and life insurance policy. The "estate" consisted of a house and chain of businesses that were mortgaged to the hilt and mired in debts. The insurance policy was enough to pay for her burial expenses and that was it.

She made a tremendously big deal of changing the will, but we were relieved in the end to be left out of the cluster-mess that remained.  The sole sibling inherited nothing but a huge headache and an old house that is mortgaged for far more than it's worth. It's tied to her neck like a millstone, because NM made sure to put her name on the title before she died.
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